Breaking Down Walls
by KeepMeSafeInside
Summary: Clary Fray has lost her best friend and found her own way to cope with things. Due to things that have happened to her personally she has built up walls that she thinks no one can break down. When Izzy and Jace start to notice Clary acting differently will they be able to break down her walls, or have her walls been built up to high for anyone to break down?
1. Chapter 1

**This is my first FanFic and I'm kind of nervous about it. If you like it then let me know if not a lot of people like it I guess I will just drop it, haha. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own The Mortal Instruments.**

CPOV

Today was the first day of school.

I don't know how I'm going to go through this. Is Isabelle going to talk to me, or I will she ignore me?

I don't know what to expect. Last school year I had Simon and Izzy.

This year I won't have Simon though. He's gone. He and Izzy were dating, and we were all tight.

The last day of school, though, there was a shooting. There were a few injured, but Simon…. He died. I haven't been able to find it in myself to care about anything since then.

I feel so numb. I'm not sure that I'll care whether Izzy and I hang out or not.

I'm not going to let anyone know how affected I am by this though. I'll just go to school smile and make small talk, it shouldn't be that hard.

I really don't want to go to school, but oh well.

I slipped on a plain black shirt, a light jacket, and a pair of dark blue jeans and headed out to wait for the bus.

All of a sudden Izzy showed up in her car and rolled down her window. "Hey" She called.

I looked at her for a moment. She looked good, her long raven hair was in a braid down her back, her dark eyes were bright, and she didn't seem to upset. I smiled and said, "What's up?"

Izzy looked at me for a moment before asking, "Want a ride to school?"

I nodded, "Okay, thanks Iz." Then I got into her car and we started driving to school.

"How have you been holding up?" Izzy questioned casually looking at me sideways, "You know with what happened? I know I should have called or texted you, but I couldn't do it. Sorry Clare."

I watched the road as I answered her, "It's fine. I'm fine. There's nothing really we can do. We just have to move on."

"You really think we should move on so fast?" She asked raising an eyebrow at me.

"I know there's nothing we can do. We can't change what happened. How have you been holding up?" I was truly worried about her. I knew she'd be fine though because she had her brothers there for her.

"Oh, I've been well. Jace and Alec have been doing a good job keeping me sane."

Simon and Isabelle were dating. They really loved each other. I can't imagine how it must feel for her to have lost her lover.

I don't believe in letting anyone that close. Promises of love and commitment don't mean a thing. My mom promised to come back, she didn't. Simon promised to be with me forever, he left.

Promises, love and trust all get you hurt in the end so why bother? Better just to keep your feelings and everything to yourself. Better to find your own way out instead of needing others.

I'm never going to let my feelings get the better of me like that again. Better just to be numb to it all.

Anyways, Jace was her adoptive brother and they looked nothing alike. Jace and honey colored eyes, golden hair, and a perfect tan.

Her other brother, Alec, was her blood sibling. He looked a lot like her, honestly. They had the same dark hair, and pale skin tone; however, his eyes were a piercing blue.

"That's good, I knew they'd be there for you." I replied.

Isabelle bit her lip and looked at me, "I'm sorry. I know it must have been harder for you because of-"

I held up a hand to silence her before she could finish, "Don't say it. I can cope on my own without anyone."

When I was younger my mother left me with my father, Valentine, as I refer to him. Simon and Izzy were the only people that I really talked to. When Simon died Isabelle stopped talking to me, I was alone but found my own way to cope.

"I should have been there for you though," she responded turning to look back at the road.

We were silent for the rest of the ride to school. Neither of us really knew what to say to each other seeing as we hadn't talked all summer.

Once we arrived to school I was about to get out of the car and head in when Isabelle grabbed my arm.

She looked hesitant. Biting her lip, she let go of my arm, and I thought she changed her mind about saying something when she spoke up, "Um… do you still want to sit together at lunch? Like we used to…" She trailed off as if still unsure she should have spoken.

I faked a smile, "Yeah that'd be great." I reached over and hugged her before heading into the building for the first day of school.

This was going to be hard without Simon with me, but at least it isn't too hard to seem happy. Iz seemed pretty convinced that I was good. Maybe I will be with time, but not now. I pulled down the sleeves of my jacket and headed to class.

**Thanks for reading.**


	2. Chapter 2

**There are a few who seem to like it, so I will keep going.**

CPOV

I really don't want to be at school today. I want to be alone. I'm afraid that I might get overwhelmed today. That would _not _be good.

I suppose I will just have to take this a day at a time. I'll just have to get used to not having Simon around.

My first class was English. At least it's not math that would be a crappy way to start every day for a year.

I start walking to my first period class. The school is just a one story building. It was fairly large. Our gym was a small walk from the rest of the school. It is a nice little place you could say.

I headed toward my first period class; the teacher was . I've heard kids talking about her in the hall, and apparently she's a pretty cool teacher. She's really chill about everything.

On my way to English I passed a lot of kids in the hall catching up with their friends who they haven't seen in a while. Everybody was taking all the time they could before the bell rang to talk about what they did this summer, and gossip, and all that other stuff they do.

Seeing as I didn't really have anyone I wanted to talk to I kept my focus on going to English.

Since the bell hadn't rung and there were a few minutes left I was the first kid in class, surprise. (Note the sarcasm in my voice.)

wasn't in there yet, so I headed to the back of the class and took a seat by the window.

The closer it got for the bell to ring kids started filing into class and take their seats.

Once class started we didn't really do much. Mrs. Linam gave us a reading assignment. We had to read the first chapter in A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens. English went by pretty fast all together.

After English I had P.E. so I headed over to the gym. Most the time we got to walk around the track for the majority of the class. I was looking forward to that.

Just as I suspected, when Coach Williams came to tell us what we were doing after checking role we went out to the track to walk.

Once on the track I pulled out my IPod and put on the song Save You by Simple Plan. I hummed the lyrics as I walked along.

While I was walking Sebastian Verlac jogged up to me and tapped on my shoulder. I took out my headphones, turning my head to look at him. "Yes Sebastian?" I asked slightly annoyed that he interrupted me while listening to music.

"Are you doing okay with everything that happened with Simon?"

I don't know why he was talking to me. He picked on me and Simon a lot, well mostly me, but still. He was always calling me Fire Wire, Red, Fire Cracker, Strawberry Shortcake making fun of me for everything. He was one of your typical popular kids. Sure he was hot, but his personality was a turn off.

"I'm doing just fine, Sebastian, I don't see why you'd care though considering you liked to pick on us." I responded icily hoping he'd get the hint that I did NOT want to talk to him.

"I'm sorry about your loss." He almost sounded sincere. Almost.

"Is there something I can help you with?" I questioned as I stopped walking and turned to look at him.

"Calm down, Fire Wire, I just thought you could use some company." He raised his hands in the air as if surrendering.

"I don't want your company." I snapped out at him.

He faked hurt, "Why would you not want my company, Clary?"

"Hm maybe because I was listening to my music, and you haven't said a nice word to me. Ever. Not once."

With that I walked away from him ignoring what he said back to me. I just put my headphones in and kept walking.

I'm not exactly one of the most popular kids at school. I'm more the one the pops like to make fun of. It never bothered me though because I always had Iz and Simon to cheer me up.

I miss Simon so much. It's not fair that he got taken away from me. I wish it was me who had got shot in that shooting instead of him. At least he and Izzy would still have each other to lean on. I don't have anyone.

Izzy has her family at least.

I'm alone. I am utterly alone now without him. Maybe I should talk to Izzy about it…. But I don't want to let my feelings mess with anything, so I'll just keep my mouth shut. There's no point in needing anyone. It gets you hurt. It doesn't mean I don't miss Simon though. I did need him, but now he's gone. He left me to this world all by myself. I'll never need anyone again. I'll never let anyone that close again.

Simon and I were really close. We knew each other since kindergarten and were best friends. He knew absolutely everything about me, and he was like my brother. We told each other everything.

I don't plan on doing that ever again, with anyone. No one will be that close to me.

The bell for third period rang pulling me out of my thoughts. I speed walked back to the gym to get my bag then headed for Study Hall.

In Study Hall I just did my reading for English class. Nothing really happened. Other than Aline Penhallow asking me about what Sebastian could have possibly talked to me about. I just rolled my eyes and continued reading. I didn't want to get into any drama.

After third hour I had math. It wasn't too bad. I have it right before lunch, so that's something that I am looking forward to. Izzy is in my math class. She and I sat together. We really couldn't talk a lot because Mr. Efurd was talking the whole time about what we'd cover this year and what to be expecting. Introducing himself to us and all that boring stuff.

When the bell rang signaling lunch Izzy and I picked up our stuff and headed over to the cafeteria. While Iz went to get lunch I went and found us a table to sit at.

She arrived with her lunch minutes later.

"Are you not eating?" She asked me curiously.

Shrugging my shoulders casually I replied, "Not that hungry right now I suppose."

"You sure?"

"Yup." I replied popping the "p" to emphasize that the conversation was over with.

"Alright…" Isabelle trailed off unsure of what else to say.

"How's Jace and Alec doing?" I asked her trying to make conversation.

"They're doing well. Alec and Magnus are finally dating," she said raising her eyebrows and smiling. "Jace is still Jace, sadly."

Magnus and Alec had been friends for a while. Alec's parents didn't know he was gay, but Izzy, Jace, and I did. The sexual tension between Magnus and Alec was thick. It was awkward at times, and we all knew they'd end up together.

Mags has a strange obsession with glitter… I don't know what the hell that was about, but it is what it is. We all still love him.

"That's great." I informed her.

"What's great?" Jace asked walking up to us. Where did he come from?

"Don't you have your own friends to sit with, Jace?" Isabelle asked him.

"Am I not allowed to sit with my sister and Red?" He replied.

"No." Izzy and I said in unison.

Jace rolled his eyes and took a seat next to me. "How you doing, Fire Cracker? You holding up alright with Simon?"

I looked at Jace for a moment before looking back at Izzy and replying, "I'm fine. What do you want?"

"I just wanted to check on you. You are my sister's best friend. I know that this must-"

"Don't go there, Jace. You don't know anything about me." I told him coldly.

Jace and Isabelle shared a look and he shrugged his shoulders, "Alright. Just thought I'd try to be friendly, but I can see you don't want to be." With that he got up and left us.

Isabelle and I sat in a comfortable silence after that until lunch ended.

The rest of the school day went by pretty fast.

After school Izzy found me, "You want a ride home?"

I forced a smile, "That would be great, thanks Iz."

She smiled at me and nodded her head to her car indicating that I should follow her to her car, and I did.

We listened to the radio on the way to my house singing along to the random songs that came on. It was… nice.

We got to my house all too quickly. Nonetheless I hugged her good-bye, got out of the car, and waited for her to leave.

Once she left I stood outside of my house for a few minutes. The house was a nice sized brick house. There were four bedrooms, two bathrooms, living room, kitchen. All of that. It was spacy on the inside, but not cozy.

Without a final look at the house I walked inside.

**Thank you for reading, and the reviews! **


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own The Mortal Instruments**

CPOV

I wasn't sure what to expect when I walked into my house. It changes often.

I didn't see Valentine there, so I figure he must be out at a "business meeting", that's where he always says he is. I think he's just out getting drunk. He's come home drunk plenty of times before. There are those few times he doesn't though.

Without looking around I just decided to head to my room.

It was 3:30, I should really figure out what to make for dinner. Depending on what we have and how long it takes the time will vary on when it will be ready.

Valentine is always home by five which is when I need to have dinner ready.

I dropped my bag on the floor, slipped off my shoes, and put on some sweat pants and a tank top. Then I headed into the kitchen.

I wasn't really in the mood for cooking.

I looked around for a few minutes and settled on making rice with tomato sauce and bacon. It takes half an hour-ish. I'll start it in about an hour.

With the being decided I walked back to my room.

I sat down on my bed and started thinking. I tried to numb myself, but the thoughts just kept coming.

Thoughts of Simon and myself in kindergarten finger painting. Simon sitting with me after my mom abandoned me.

She promised me she would come back. I remember that day so clearly.

-_flashback-_

_I was in first grade. My hair was all over the place, not that that has changed now, and I was crying. _

"_Mommy, mommy do you have to go?" I had asked her wiping my eyes. _

_Jocelyn looked behind me then bent down on her knees grabbing the tops of my arms gently, "Yes angel I have to go, but I will be back later I promise. I'll come back for you, alright sweetie?"_

_I was still crying because I didn't want her to leave me. I needed her to be here for me. I NEEDED my mom. I nodded my head hiccupping. "Why do you have to go, mommy?" I looked at the ground while I had asked because I couldn't look at her. _

_She removed one of her hands from my arms and tilted my head up towards her with it. "You'll understand later, honey. You just have to trust me." After Jocelyn said that she smiled. _

"_Will you take me with you mommy?" I questioned hopefully. _

"_Not this time, sweetie. I will come back though, I promise." She held her pinky out to me releasing my other arm. _

_I rubbed my nose, and held my pinky out to her. _

_We shook on it, and I thought that she must truly mean it if she pinky promised. _

_Without another word she stood up and kissed me on the top of the head heading out to her car which was out front. _

_I watched from the window as she drove away. _

_-End of flashback-_

I laughed bitterly. She never came back. That promise meant nothing.

She never came back.

I remember Simon telling me she would be back, but we were both wrong.

Simon was always there. He promised me then that he would never leave me.

Look who's not here now, another promise broken.

I miss his smiling face. The way his glasses were always sliding down the bridge of his nose, how animated he got when talking about comics and video games, his laugh, and how stable he was. Simon was my rock, but now I'm my own rock.

I want nothing more right now than to go to him and hug him. I just want to be enveloped in his arms, and not have to let go… The feeling of security when I'm with him.

I miss him like a hole in my chest.

I have lost a vital part of me.

I looked down at my phone and saw it was 4:25. I sighed heading into the kitchen to get the ingredients out for dinner.

Once I had everything started and cooking I let my mind wander again.

Isabelle had been so confident and outspoken before Simon died. She was always smiling, and her eyes lit up so much when she saw Simon.

Now she seemed unsure what to say. Maybe she was just being careful around me. I was kind of snappy this morning, I guess.

Maybe it's not her who changed, but me. I guess I am pretty closed off now…

I was pulled from my thoughts once again when I heard the sauce beginning to boil. I put the rice in a bowl, stuck some pieces of bacon into it, and poured the sauce onto it.

Right as I was finishing setting up the table Valentine walked in.

"Clarissa, is dinner ready?"

"Yes, Valentine." I replied

"Good. You know how I am always hungry after work, Clarissa."

He walked into the kitchen in a suit. He sat down in his seat and started eating immediately.

I took my seat across from him and nibbled on my food. I wasn't hungry.

"Clarissa, how much of that do you plan on eating?" Valentine questioned me.

That sounds like concern, yeah? Wrong. "Not much Valentine," I replied to him. "I'm almost done."

"Good, you don't want to gain anymore weight now do you Clarissa?"

"No Valentine." I answered him getting up to wash my bowl.

Valentine was always telling me that I'm fat, and that I weigh too much. He said that I needed to lose weight so that I would be more attractive.

"Go to your room now that you're done Clarissa. I don't want to be around you anymore. When I'm done eating come back and do the dishes then go to bed." He told me curtly.

It was the same every night. "Yes sir." I replied and walked to my room.

Valentine doesn't really like me. I disgust him. He doesn't think highly of me either. He's always telling me that I am fat, and useless, and other things. He's not as bad as he could be though. The only time I need to be worried is if he comes home drunk.

A few minutes later I heard him get up from the table and head into his study. I silently opened my door, and made my way to the kitchen to start cleaning.

After finishing the dishes I heard Valentine's study door open and scurried quickly to my room.

I entered my room and turned on some music from my IPod, I put on Tourniquet by Evanescence.

While I was listening I started thinking again of the things Valentine has called me, Jocelyn, and Simon.

My own parents hate me… I couldn't close off my feelings forever, I knew that; however, when they hit me I didn't know what to do.

I went into the bathroom and headed back into my bedroom with a small box.

As I sat down on the floor I started listening to the lyrics while I was crying. I was tired. I was tired of trying to be good enough for Valentine. I was tired of hurting about my mother abandoning me. I was tired of hurting for Simon…

**I tried to kill my pain**

**But only brought more**

**So much more**

**I lay dying**

**And I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal**

**I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming**

**Am I too lost to be saved?**

**Am I too lost?**

As I listened I opened the box.

**My God my tourniquet**

**Return to me salvation**

**My God my tourniquet**

**Return to me salvation**

I pulled a razor blade out of the box, and rolled my pant leg up. The sight that greeted me was nothing new to my eyes. On the pale skin of my upper thigh were angry red lines crisscrossing.

**Do you remember me?**

**Lost for so long**

**Will you be on the other side**

**Or will you forget me?**

**I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming**

**Am I too lost to be saved?**

**Am I too lost?**

**My God my tourniquet**

**Return to me salvation**

**My God my tourniquet**

**Return to me salvation**

I closed my eyes and quickly drew the blade across my thigh. There was a little sting at first, but then the pain subsided calming me down.

**My God my tourniquet**

**Return to me salvation**

**My God my tourniquet**

**Return to me salvation**

**My wounds cry for the grave**

**My soul cries for deliverance**

**Will I be denied Christ**

**Tourniquet**

**My suicide**

I dragged the blade across repeatedly appreciating the numbing pain. It was a release from everything going on around me. I needed an escape.

When I opened my eyes I had a few minor cuts along my leg; however, there was a lot of blood.

I slowly lifted myself off of the floor leaving my pant leg rolled up, and headed to the bathroom. After getting in there I turned the water on almost all the way hot.

I slowly stripped out of my clothes taking care not to get blood on my pant leg and stepped into the shower. I felt the water sting my fresh cuts and watched as the water that washed off of me turned red from my blood.

I felt very disconnected, not really caring.

Just like I always did after I cut.

Once I finished with my shower I dried off and slipped back into my sweats and shirt, then headed back to my bedroom.

I saw my box on the floor, so I picked it up, returning it back to the bathroom where it belongs.

After I finished cleaning up I crawled into bed pulling my comforter up to my shoulder and going to sleep.

**Thank you for reading.**


	4. Chapter 4

**This is kind of anticlimactic chapter, sorry. Every story has its anticlimactic parts though. **

CPOV

When I woke up I was really groggy. I guess the lack of food I have been eating and the cutting wasn't doing me much good.

The other week I cut a little too deep and didn't stop bleeding for about an hour. It was pretty bad. Blood loss, yay.

I rolled out of bed to start getting ready for another day of school.

I didn't really want to see anybody today. I was feeling really emotionally drained today, and not wanting to deal with anyone.

I decided on a black t-shirt, dark blue jeans, and my black converse. I slipped on my jacket and headed out the door.

Just like yesterday Isabelle showed up to drive me to school, and we rode in a comfortable silence.

"Clary…. Are you okay?" Izzy asked looking at me with a worried expression on her face.

"Yes, why?" I responded quickly.

"It's just that you've been so quite. You used to always seem to have something to say and now you're just…. there. You don't seem to want to speak. Are you mad at me?" As she asked this we arrived at school.

"No, Iz, I'm not mad at you. I'm just not fully over Simon yet is all." I forced a grin looking at her worried face, "I'm good." Lies. I was lying straight through my teeth.

"Oh, alright then. " After she said that I got out of her car, and she did too. "I'm always here for you Clary, you know, if you need to talk. I know you talked to Simon when things upset you, but you can always talk to me."

"I know, thanks Iz." I hugged her and headed to class.

My first classes all passed pretty fast, and before I knew it I was at lunch with Izzy, just like yesterday.

"How's your day been going?" She asked.

"It's gone by fairly quickly, yours?"

"Just great." Izzy took a bite of her lunch, "So Clary, do you want to come over this weekend? I know it's been a while, but I think it would be fun for us to hang out. You can come see Magnus, Alec, and Jace. Just like old times."

I thought about it for a moment. I wasn't really sure I wanted to actually go over, but I didn't want to disappoint her. "That'd be great." I told her with a smile.

She squealed and threw her hands in the air, "I just knew you'd say yes! This will be so much fun!"

"Yay!" I said as enthusiastically as I possibly could.

"Why did Jace come and sit with us yesterday?" I asked Izzy.

"He just wanted to check on you. You're my best friend and he's been worried about you."

"He seemed so concerned." I muttered rolling my eyes.

"You know Jace, Clary. He's not the one to show concern all that much."

"Yeah, yeah, okay." I responded. "He's not coming to sit with us today is he?" I don't know why I just didn't want to see him. His damn smirk was what pissed me off yesterday. I hate how cocky he is and today I didn't want to see it.

"No." Izzy said, then amended quickly, "At least I don't think he's going to. He hadn't said anything to me about coming to join us."

"Okay."

Immediately after I replied the bell rang signaling it was time to go to class. Izzy went to throw away the rest of her lunch, and I headed for my next class.

The whole school day really just passed in a blur. I couldn't think straight. I was just completely whack today, and I have no idea why. I get like this sometimes, not that big of a deal.

When the last period bell rang all the students rushed out of the school building eager to get home. I took my time leisurely walking outside. I never understood why people were in such a rush to get home. School wasn't _that _bad.

Isabelle was waiting patiently by her car for me when I got out of the building, and I walked over, opening the door, getting in the passenger seat, and shutting the door behind me.

"Do you have any plans for the rest of the week?" Izzy asked casually.

"Iz, you know I don't like to do stuff during the school week, so the answer to your question would be no."

"Great, would you want to come over for dinner this week too? Maybe say…. tomorrow?"

"What are you trying to do, Iz? We haven't talked all summer, and now suddenly you're wanting to hang out constantly. Why?" I demanded looking at her.

Izzy glanced at me before looking back out at the road. She shrugged her shoulders, "I just want to be close again. I know that I wanted to be alone after Simon died, I figured you would want your space seeing as you've known him forever. I should have called yes, I should have, but I didn't and now I want to hang out with you so I can make up for not calling you. Also I was hoping we can fix up our friendship."

I didn't really know how to respond to her speech. Here she was trying really hard to fix our friendship, and I was trying to shut her out. I wasn't changing my mind or anything, we'll never be as close as we were, so I simply said, "I'm sorry, but I probably can't. You know how Valentine always wants to have family meals together." I made my tone regretful.

"Aww, okay. Let me know if you can though, you'll ask right?"

"Yeah, of course Iz."

With that being said I looked back out my window.

A few short moments later we arrived back at my house.

I thanked Izzy for the ride, and gave her a hug before entering my home.

When I went into the kitchen I saw a note on the counter, and went to read it.

_Clarissa,_

_I'm going to be gone for a while on a business trip. I don't know when I'll be back, but I expect you to keep the house in pristine order, and don't eat too much._

_Valentine._

I crumpled the note throwing it in the trash bin and walking to my room.

Like I said, what I come home to changes often. This has happened before; he just disappears for weeks at a time. I never ask why because I honestly don't care whether he's home or not. It doesn't make a big difference.

I decided to call Izzy and tell her that I would be going over. It was nice just to have some company sometimes.

On the second ring she picked up, "Hey, Clare, what's up?"

"Um, my dad's out of town so I can come over tomorrow for dinner if you still want."

"That's awesome! So you're all alone in your house for a while?"

"Yeah, it's not that big of a deal." I told her hoping she'd forget it.

"Do you want to come over for dinner tonight too?" She asked me hopefully.

I could just imagine her giving me the puppy dog look, and she was trying so hard. I didn't want to let her down, "Sure, what time?"

"Great! I'll come pick you up in half an hour!" After she said that she hung up as if to prevent me from changing my mind.

True to her word Izzy arrived exactly half an hour later. I hadn't changed my clothes, so I was still wearing my school attire.

"Hey, babe. Not dressing for our date?" Izzy asked teasing me.

There was the Isabelle I knew.

"Sorry, but no. I don't think this'll work out." I told her dramatically. Moving my hand back and forth between us.

"You wound me darling." She cried throwing a hand over her heart.

I laughed and got in the car. I realized that the more I acted happy the easier it came to me. Being able to act happy wasn't going to be as hard as I thought it would.

The ride over to her house was filled with playful comments and I was starting to think that I could maybe be happy again. That thought diminished as soon as it came to me. No way was that happening.

Once we arrived at her house she ushered me up towards her bedroom; I didn't even get a chance to say hi to anyone.

"Now Clary," Isabelle began after pushing me down in a chair; walking back and forth in front of me, "We are going to dress you up for dinner."

"What?" I asked in disbelief. It was just dinner. "Why?"

"Because I'm Isabelle, and you know how I love dressing you up." She stated it as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, and I guess it kind of was.

"Alright, fine." I grumbled crossing my arms. "But only if you give me something that goes past my knees and I can wear my jacket, or a cardigan, or a long sleeve dress."

"Clary, why?" Isabelle whined.

"That's the deal. I get long sleeves and an appropriate length dress, or no makeover. You can't change my mind this time Isabelle." I told her firmly. I was sticking by my choice to not wear short sleeves or anything that would reveal to high on my legs.

Isabelle pouting said, "Fine."

She went to work on my hair, taming it, and making it presentable. Then she did my makeup. She told me she wanted to go mostly with my natural look, so she applied some lip balm, a light blush, and a light brown eye shadow.

For the dress she pulled out a purple knee length dress with leggings, and a white cardigan.

"I'm going to go into your bathroom real quick to change into this." I informed Izzy holding up the outfit.

"You can change in here Clare, it wouldn't be the first time I've seen you change." She replied with a duh look.

"I know, but I don't really feel too comfortable with changing in front of you right now, so I'm just going to go to the bathroom and I'll be right back. Okay?"

"Yeah, sure. You remember where it is?"

"Yup. I'll be right back." With that I left to go to the bathroom to change real fast.

Once I slipped into my outfit I headed back to Izzy's room.

"You look hot, Clary." She stated once I entered her bedroom.

"Only because of you, Iz, thanks." I smiled at her.

Izzy returned my smile and linked her arm with mine and we headed down stairs to go eat dinner.

**Thank you for reading. **

**Review!**


	5. Chapter 5

CPOV

By the time Isabelle and I arrived at the dinner table Alec, Jace, Maryse, and Robert were already seated waiting for us to join them.

It looked like we were eating spaghetti for dinner.

"Good evening Mr. and Mrs. Lightwood." I smiled politely at them.

Maryse got up from her seat and came to hug me. "Hello, Clary dear, how have you been? It's been a while since we last saw you."

"I've been good Mrs. Lightwood. How have you been?"

"We've all been good." Maryse informed me as she took her seat again, "We were absolutely heartbroken over what happened with Simon. I'm so sorry that you lost your friend, dear." The amount of pity in her voice disgusted me. I hated pity, I was strong enough by myself.

Is it bad to say that I have barely cried for Simon since he died? I cried at his funeral. It wasn't a lot, I didn't sob or anything, but some tears did escape down my face. I haven't truly cried for him. I haven't felt grief. For the most part I've just felt numb, and I'm unsure as to whether that's a good thing or not.

"It's not your fault, Mrs. Lightwood, there's no need to apologize." I responded taking a seat next to where Isabelle has sat down. I was seated between Alec and Isabelle with Jace right across from me.

"We're here for you if you need us Clary." Maryse said.

"I know, thank you Mrs. Lightwood. I really appreciate." I made my voice cheery and smiled at her.

Mr. Lightwood was a pretty quite person, so it didn't surprise me when he didn't say anything at all. I probably would have been more shocked if he had spoken.

After we all began eating I turned to Alec, "How have you been Alec? Long time no see."

"I've been well. I haven't seen you in forever." He said taking a bite of his spaghetti.

"It's been a while." I murmured quietly in agreement.

Jace kept staring at me throughout dinner, and it was beginning to make me uncomfortable.

I had eaten about half of my dinner, and I was just sitting there quietly while everyone else continued eating their own dinner.

Jace kicked me under the table, so I looked up at him furrowing my eyebrows together in an expression that said 'What?'.

"Are you done eating?" He questioned me pointing his fork at my half empty plate.

I looked down at my plate, I guess there was still a bit of it left. Looking back up at him I answered, "I'm not every hungry."

"Are you sure? You look like you've lost weight since Simon died."

I stared at him in shock. He just said it so blatantly. Like it meant nothing that my best friend was gone. I had yet to except, and here he was saying it so blatantly like it had no effect and didn't matter.

"Jace!" Isabelle yelled, "Why would you say that?" She demanded her eyes watering.

"I was using it as a time frame. Come on Izzy, don't tell me she looks perfectly fine to you. Look at how much weight she's lost. You didn't eat that much after Lewis passed away, and it looks like Clary's still not eating. You at least didn't lose most of your weight like it appears that Clary has." He stated as if it were the most obvious thing ever.

"You shouldn't be so blunt about Simon though!" Isabelle yelled again. "You may not have been close to him, but we were. So just… just piss off Jace!"

"I'm just trying to look out for your best friend, Iz. She didn't even eat lunch yesterday. What about today Red? Did you actually eat, or did you just sit there?" He asked turning his gaze back onto me.

"Did I do something to offend you Jace because last time I checked I never talked to you. I can't possibly think of what I could have done to you to get you to harass me." I retorted crossing my arms over my chest.

"I'm just trying to look out for you Clary is that a crime?"

"Yes, it is. You've never cared before, so you shouldn't care now. You also can't just hound me about things you have no right to hound me about."

Jace opened his mouth to respond when Maryse cut him off. "Are you coming over again tomorrow Clary? Izzy said you, but you ended up coming over tonight. I'd love to have you tomorrow for dinner too, but I just wanted to make sure you still were."

Shooting Jace one last glare I turned my attention to Maryse and smiled, "Yes Mrs. Lightwood, I'll be coming over for dinner tomorrow too, thank you."

"Excellent!" Maryse clapped her hands together, "How about you and Izzy go upstairs since it appears everyone's done eating dinner."

After Maryse said that everyone went back to their bedrooms.

"Isabelle, I need to get home, it's getting late and I have homework."

"Alright, Clare. Just go change into your clothes and I'll take you back home."

It sort of surprised me how quickly Izzy agreed to take me home. Maybe she was still upset about what Jace had said at dinner, whatever the reason, I grabbed my stuff headed towards the bathroom, and changed.

When I got back to her room she had her car keys out and was ready to take me home.

The ride home was kind of awkward, there was a tension in the air and I wasn't sure what to say to make it go away.

Isabelle dropped me off at my house, and left right after I thanked her.

I was still pissed off myself about what had happened. All I could think about really was Jace taunting me about my eating and saying he was just looking out for me.

I needed to get my anger under control. My emotions have been pretty raging lately and they come really hard when they hit. Ever since I started feeling numb I noticed that I also got angry a lot more. My anger was also a lot more intense.

I walked blindly inside my house and into my bathroom. I pulled out my box, and got my razor blade out of it. I sat down next to the sink with my box resting in my lap.

After rolling up the sleeve of my jacket I cut my forearm. I barely felt it. All I could feel was my anger washing off of me.

I sat there watching the blood pool on my arms and then watched as it started to drip down my arm. It was soothing to watch the blood cover my arm.

My blood was really bright red and when I tilted my arm a certain way the blood would soon slide that way too. I never cut too deep though.

I found out that using a razor blade is more effective than a pair of scissors. You also bleed a lot more when you use a razor blade.

I cut my other arm too. Just to make sure that all the anger had left me. Then I just sat on the bathroom floor watching my blood run off my arms.

IPOV

Jace had no right to say what he did at the table and I was still fuming over it.

He had no right to talk about Simon like he didn't matter. I loved him! Jace's words hurt me.

Once I returned home I stormed up to Jace's bedroom and pounded three times on his door with my fist.

I heard a lazy "Come in" through his door and walked right in.

Jace sat up in his bed once he saw me. "Are you hear to lecture me about how I'm an ass?" He said looking bored.

"No, but I should be." I told him. Truth was what he said about Clary was getting to me. He was right. She _had_ lost weight and she wasn't eating all that much. "How all does Clary seem different to you?" I asked him sitting down at the foot of his bed biting my lip nervously. Bad habit.

He raised an eyebrow at me, "Why do you ask?"

"She hasn't been eating at lunch, and looks like she's lost weight. Also in my bedroom when I told her I wanted to dress her up for dinner she started freaking out on me." I confessed.

"Well duh she freaked out on you. Who wouldn't, seriously. Clary's not a girly girl I bet your makeovers are hell." He teased me.

I slapped his arm, "I'm serious Jace. She refused to wear anything that didn't cover her arms, or came down to her knees. She usually doesn't care."

"In my honest opinion she seems more distant from you. She's been acting weird lately, but I don't know. She could still be grieving. You guys also haven't talked all summer, so maybe she just feels weird. Give it time, or whatever it is you girls always say about problems."

"Well, could you talk to her or something?" I pleaded with him. "How about you pick her up from her house tomorrow and take her home. Please for me?"

Jace caved and said yes, of course.

"Thank you Jace!" I squealed hugging him.

Shortly after returning to my bedroom I went to bed for the night. Jace and I were going to find out what was bothering Clary and then everything would be back to good.

With those thoughts on my mind I went to sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

**I'm going to take a little break in my writing. I plan on having my next chapter up probably by Saturday. I hope you enjoy!**

CPOV

Today was Wednesday. School is almost over for the week, I'm so happy.

Once I had slipped on my clothes, and jacket for the day I went outside to wait for Izzy to come pick me up. I guess it was just kind of a silent agreement for her to come pick me up; however, this morning it wasn't Izzy who pulled up beside me.

It was Jace.

"What do you want, Wayland?" I asked annoyed.

"Isabelle asked me to give you a ride to school." He informed me. Then he smirked, "Unless you'd rather walk, it would take a while and you'd probably be late."

I looked around and rolled my eyes. "Fine." I said getting into the passenger side of his car.

At first it was really quite and he kept glancing over at me while I stared ahead at the road in front of us. I was getting tired of him glancing over at me and asked him, "Is there a problem?"

He turned his head to look at me, but I refused to look at him still looking out the windshield. "Yes, there is as a matter of fact Clary."

"What would that be?" I questioned turning my head to look at him.

"What's wrong Clary?"

"'What's wrong Clary?' That's seriously what you want to ask?" I scoffed.

"Yes, something's been bothering you. Isabelle said you wouldn't talk to her, and asked me if I would talk to you about it. Here I am."

"I don't need to talk about anything with you." I said defiantly crossing my arms over my chest and looking out my window.

"There's nothing wrong with talking to people."

"Did I say there was?"

"Well why don't you want to talk about it?"

"Because I'm perfectly fine! Is that not a good enough answer for you and Isabelle?" I yelled throwing my hands in the air.

He glanced over at me again, "If nothing's wrong why are you so defensive?"

"I'm not defensive!" I retorted.

"Why did you refuse to wear anything without sleeves?"

I looked at him confused. "What are you talking about?"

"Last night at dinner. Izzy said you flipped on her and refused to wear anything without sleeves, or that was above your knees."

"Is there something wrong with modesty?" I asked exasperated and scowling at him.

"You've never objected before." He returned raising an eyebrow at me.

I huffed, slumped back in my seat and went back to looking out the window.

JPOV

I wasn't sure what to say next. I was honest to God worried about her, but she's never been so snappy towards me before. Sure I irked her by being an ass towards her, but now I was genuinely trying to help her and she was yelling, and snapping.

I know I promised Iz, but I don't know what her deal is.

I glanced over at her again. She really did look like she lost a bit of weight. I bet you could feel her rib cage if you touched her side, or see them if she changed in front of you.

I remember when her and Ratface used to come over to visit Isabelle. Clary always seemed so lively and full of light. She was really enthusiastic. I never liked Simon, but I was upset when he died.

Now Clary has lost the light in her eyes. I wonder what's going on in her head right now. Maybe she's anorexic and that's why she's lost weight. Or maybe she's just depressed.

I remember when my parents died I wouldn't talk to anyone really. I didn't eat a lot, but I snapped out of it after two months. It's been like four and she's still losing weight. I'm really curious as to how much she's lost.

Without even thinking about it I reached my hand over to put my palm flat against her ribcage. She _was_ really bony. I could feel a few of her ribs just fine through her jacket and shirt.

She jumped almost immediately as soon as I touched her though. She moved really close to the window of my car and glared at me.

"What the hell are you thinking Jace!" She screeched at me.

I was shocked at how upset she was over this. I cocked an eyebrow at her, "I just wanted to see how much weight you lost." I told her honestly,

"Well keep your freaking hands to yourself!"

"Geez, calm down Fire Cracker. It's not like I was raping you." I said amused.

Instead of replying to me she just huffed and put her bag between us.

I turned my attention back to the road in front of us. We were almost at school.

As soon as I parked the car and unlocked the door Clary through her pack over her shoulder and got out of the car.

I ran up to her and grabbed her arm, she flinched a little which is weird. She stilled though and stopped walking. Some of the other kids who were outside were staring at us, I noticed.

"Jace let go of my arm." She told me starting to tug away from and wincing.

"Tell me what's bothering you first."

"Jace, just let me go!" She shouted hitting me with her other hand.

I let her go. Why was she wincing so much?

Other kids looked over at us when she yelled at me, and she just turned around to head back into the building.

"Thank you for the ride Jace." With that she left.

CPOV

I don't know what Jace's problem was, but when he grabbed my arm it freaking hurt! My cuts from last night are to fresh for that and he had a tight grip.

I don't know what he was getting at either in the car about me losing weight. Why would he care?

If I lost enough weight maybe Valentine would finally be pleased with me. Maybe he'd start loving me if I were a better person. That's all I can try to do is be a better person.

Kids in the hall were staring at me, no doubt because of the whole Jace scene that just happened. Either way I didn't like the attention, and tucked my head quickly heading towards English.

In English we went over the reading assignment from the night before, had an easy pop quiz, and got our reading assignment for tonight.

In P.E. we were to walk the track again. I didn't pull out my headphones, just walked by myself.

Then Sebastian joined me.

"Hey, Clary." He said walking really close to me.

"Hello Sebastian" I responded politely. Try to seem like your usual self Clary, not to hostile. I was telling myself mentally.

"What did Jace do to piss you off today? I saw what happened in the parking lot."

"It was nothing. He was just being nosy about things that did not concern him."

"Well, that's unfortunate."

"Why do you care?" I asked stopping my walking and looking at him. "Do you need something to gossip about?" Way to not be hostile Clary… I thought.

"I just wanted to make sure he wasn't being too rude to you because I won't hesitate to kick his ass for you." Sebastian said stopping in front of me.

"Again, why do you care?"

"Well I don't want a pretty girl like yourself getting picked on by him. Plus with what happened to Lewis you must need another guy best friend, and I was wanting to fill that spot for you." He said looking sincere.

"Why do you want to hang out with me?" I asked in disbelief.

"You seem like a cool kid, Clary."

"Is that way you tormented me in second and third grade?"

Before he could reply the bell rang signaling our next class hour. I headed to study hall thinking about what Sebastian said to me.

Study hall absolutely sucks. I don't have anyone I want to talk to, so I just sit there the whole class period reading, listening to music, or thinking. I hate free classes; especially this early in the day when I don't have any homework to really work on. I'm one of those kids who actually does their homework at home, and doesn't wait until the last minute to do it in school.

I've heard people say that cutting is something that will send you straight to hell. People say cutting is a horrible thing to do, but I don't see how. Is it better to hurt yourself or hurt others? I honestly feel like it's better to hurt yourself. Most people do, but when it comes to cutting as your way out of not hurting others you're in the wrong.

Cutting's not wrong as long as you don't go to far and kill yourself. I think then is when that line is passed. Would anyone ever be able to forgive me for cutting though? I don't think anyone can. I hate myself.

How can you love someone who hates themselves? How can you love someone with scars all over their bodies to show you their anger and hate? How can you forgive someone when cutting is such a God awful thing? I've heard stories about kids at school who have cut. They're tormented, called emo, and gothic. Other kids tell them that they may as well just slit their wrists and die if they want to cut.

I don't want that. I just need to go back to being who I was before school ended last year to get everyone off my back. Maybe if I go back to my happy more talkative self, people will quit asking me if I'm okay.

I can do this. I can go back to who I was before Simon died. I'm going to do it, and then when I get home every day from school I can drop the façade that I'm going to show.

I can do this. I'm going to be the old Clary that everybody remembers.

**Thank you for reading! I'd love to hear your thoughts about my story, so review!**


	7. Chapter 7

**So I decided to go ahead and update today, guys. Here it is chapter 7. Enjoy.**

CPOV

I was walking down the hall from third period to fourth, and I was ready to show Izzy that I am okay.

Pulling down my jacket sleeves I quickly navigated through the halls to get to my math class before the bell rang.

Once in math, I sat down, and waited for Iz. She arrived about a minute after me. I looked up at her, waved, smiled, and said, "Hey, Iz, how are classes going for you today?"

Isabelle smiled at my while she sat down in her seat setting her messenger bag next to her seat. "My classes have been boring as hell, but what else is new?" She said looking at me skeptically, "What's got you in such a good mood? Did someone ask you out, or are you planning a prank on me?" Isabelle questioned while narrowing her eyes.

"Nothing, I swear! I was just upset because it was hard to start school again without Simon, but I'm feeling a lot better now." I answered hoping she would believe me, "Do you not want me to be myself? I'll go back to being all glum if that's what you want." I teased pushing her lightly with my elbow.

"No, no!" She yelled, "This Clary is good, I like it!" She said smiling at me.

I turned to face the class while pulling my math binder out of my bag. I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned to look at Isabelle after having my binder and pencil out on my desk.

"You still coming over tonight?" She asked enthusiastically.

"Yeah, totally why wouldn't I be?"

"I just wanted to double check. Are you going to go home first, or do you-"

Isabelle was cut off of her sentence by our teacher, Mr. Efurd, "Would you girls like to share your conversation with the rest of the class Ms. Lightwood and Ms. Fray?" He asked looking at us semi-annoyed.

"No, sir." I answered politely, "Sorry to interrupt your teaching."

"Very well then, if you two have your homework you may turn it in now, and remain silent or I will give you both a detention." He informed us strictly turning back to the board and going over the lesson.

Izzy and I didn't risk talking again throughout that class, but instead glanced at each other and passed occasional notes when Mr. Efurd wasn't paying attention to us.

When the bell rang I threw my binder and pencil into my bag, and left with Isabelle for lunch. Isabelle went through the line to get her lunch while I went to the table we usually sat at, and waited for her.

While I took my normal seat at our rectangular table, Jace came up and sat beside me while Izzy was in line. I glanced over at him before turning my attention back to looking around at everyone else in the cafeteria. Some of the more popular kids headed into the court yard with their lunch while others sat more in the center of the cafeteria. The tables farther from the center were less crowded.

"Clary?" Jace asked looking at me.

"Mhm?" I acknowledged still not looking at him.

Here's the confusing thing about Jace: He was an egotistical asshat almost all the time. It confused me as to why he was being so civil with me.

"I'm sorry."

I still didn't look at him, "For….?"

Jace let out a frustrated noise and used his hand to gently grab my chin and make me look at him. "For upsetting you so much earlier. I didn't know how touchy you'd be about that."

Looking into his golden irises I could see that he sincerely felt sorry for what he'd done. I opened my mouth to reply when Isabelle came to the table.

"Hey guys, what's going on?" She pondered raising an eyebrow at Jace's hand holding my face.

"Nothing just talking to our little Fire Cracker is all." Jace answered smirking at Isabelle.

"Are you eating with us today?" Isabelle continued interrogating Jace rolling her eyes.

"Maybe I am. Why wouldn't you want me to sit with you guys? I'm sure plenty of people would love to have me seating at their table." He retorted.

"Hmm, then why don't you go grace another table with your annoying presence?" Isabelle said sarcastically looking over at me.

"Love you to Iz." He replied dryly. Turning his attention back to me while Izzy began eating her lunch he asked, "Are you coming back over tonight Red?"

I shrugged my shoulders looking at Iz, then back to him, "Depends, are you going to be a dick again?" I asked raising my eyebrows because I couldn't just raise one.

"You wound me, Red." He said feigning mock hurt and putting his right hand over his heart.

I rolled my eyes, "Yes Goldilocks, I am coming over tonight." I answered.

Jace didn't say anything he just nodded his head and left to go outside.

"What's his deal?" I asked Izzy jerking my thumb in the direction Jace just left.

"Beats me. I don't care." Isabelle said. "Anyways before we got called out in math, do you just want to ride over after school, or do you have to ride home first?"

"Whatever you want to do. It doesn't make a difference either way." I said nonchalantly.

"How about you just come over after school?" She asked me. 

"Sounds good to me." I said.

Just then the bell rang signaling it was time to move to our next class.

IPOV

I need to find out a way to figure out why Clary won't eat. She seemed a lot perkier today than she has been though. I should ask Jace to take her home!

I'm in P.E. fifth hour which is idiotic because you aren't supposed to run and crap after eating right? Well that's all we're, technically, supposed to be doing. Not like the coach gives a shit though.

I pulled out my phone while I sat on the track.

_You wanna take Clary home after school? ~Iz_

_Why? ~J_

_So you can talk to her, duh. ~I_

_Do I have to? ~J_

_Yes. ~I _

I put my phone away and stood up that way if Jace texted back to refuse I could tell him I didn't see his text which would be very true.

Plus I think he totally has the hots for Clary! I mean, he's so concerned about her, it's obvious. I totally ship it. Clary could use someone who would make her happy, especially with how down she's been.

Simon made me really happy, and I miss him. I really liked him.

Just like Jace likes Clary. I think they'd be a cute couple together.

CPOV

Once school was over I took my time, as usual, to go outside to Izzy's car.

When I got outside I stopped, Isabelle's car wasn't in her parking space. _What the hell?_ Did she just forget me? I sighed and got my phone out to text Izzy when suddenly someone picked me up. It hurt because I had cuts all over my stomach and I screamed while the person spun me around.

I noticed a pair of tan arms gripped onto my waist. "Jace put me down, dammit!" I screamed at him.

I felt his chest vibrate while he set me down. He kept his arms around my waist though. I tried to step out of his arms, but it hurt a lot more than it was worth and I winced.

He must have noticed because he let me go, and asked, "What's wrong Fire Cracker?"

I glared at him. "Where's Izzy?"

"She asked me if I would bring you home." He answered shrugging his shoulder.

I sighed exasperated. "Why?" I said throwing my hands in the air, and turning around.

"Look, Red, do you want to ride home with me or would you rather walk? Those are your two options."

Without turning back around to look at him I walked over to his car, and got in the passenger seat. Jace followed me a moment later.

The first minute or so of the car ride was pretty silent. I looked out the window and Jace kept his eyes glued to the road.

Jace was the first to break our silence, "What's been bothering you Red?" He glanced over at me.

I turned my attention away from the window to look at him, "Why does it matter to you? I'm fine."

"You and I know that's not true. You're depressed Clary. It's pretty obvious. I know when my parents died I didn't eat a lot either, but you gotta snap out of that Clary. It's unhealthy for you. I understand that when people are depressed they don't eat, but this has been going on long enough."

"I'm perfectly fine, Jace. I'm just not all that hungry." I told him hotly. This was so damn annoying.

"Fine? You call starving yourself fine? Are you depressed, or anorexic?" He glanced over at me again.

"I'm neither!" I yelled at him. I was getting so frustrated he thinks he knows me, but he doesn't know anything!

Jace slowed the car and pulled over on the side of the road. "I'm not driving again until you answer my question." He informed me, slouching back in his seat and getting comfortable.

"Are you freaking serious, Jace?" I questioned in disbelief.

"Yes, I freaking am, Clary." He smirked at me.

"I'm not anorexic, nor am I depressed simple as that."

"Why don't you eat then?" He pushed.

"I'm just not hungry, is all. I eat at home."

Jace sighed. "No you don't, Clary. If you did you wouldn't be so damn skinny. It's not attractive if you think being super skinny is attractive."

"Valentine!" I yelled at him. I didn't want to do this anymore. I was tired of the interrogation and just wanted to move the hell on.

"Valentine? Like your father Valentine? What does he have to do with this Fire Cracker?" Jace asked me cocking an eyebrow at me.

"Valentine doesn't want me to eat, okay? He wants me to lose weight, okay. Goddamn Jace, happy?" I yelled at him turning to look out my window, and crossing my arms over my chest. It's not something I wanted to admit, especially not to Jace, but he just frustrated me so much, and when you get frustrated things slip out of your mouth.

Jace slipped his hand under my chin and turned my head to look at him, "Don't listen to him Clary. Your weight is perfectly fine. If anything you could stand to gain a little more weight." He said eyeing me up and down.

"Whatever I muttered. " I was pretty pissed at Jace. It's none of his business, and he annoyed me so much that it just slipped out of my mouth.

He dropped his hand and started the car up.

The rest of the way to his house was filled with silence.

JPOV

I was feeling pretty accomplished that I got Clary to admit why she won't eat. The downfall of that though is that she's super pissed at me. I can just see smoke coming out of her ears, most definitely pissed.

I don't think that's the whole story though. I know something's going on, I'm just not sure what it is. This is the beginning though of getting her to talk to me and Isabelle. I'm not sure when I'm going to tell Izzy what I learned, but it'll be sometime soon.

As if she were reading my thoughts Clary said, "Don't tell Izzy."

"Why not?" I don't understand why she's so defensive about this.

"Because it's not any of your damn business, let alone is it any of hers!" She yelled at me. Clary was shooting me daggers, I could see it in my peripheral vision.

"Alright I won't tell her just calm down Fire Cracker." I thought about what I said, and before Clary could say anything I continued, "If you start answering my questions honestly, and don't hide things from me." I smirked at her which irritated her even more.

"Why the hell would I do that?" She snapped at me.

"Deal or not? It's really your choice, those are you choices now choose."

"Fine!" Clary continued yelling. "What the hell do you want to know?"

I thought about my question for a moment. We were almost at my house so I slowed down the car a little bit. "Why do you always wear your jacket, and refuse to wear anything without sleeves?"

**Each of my chapters have roughly been different lengths. Which chapter length do you guys think I should stick with? I wanted to make them different, so you guys could decide how long you wanted the chapters to, roughly, be. I hope you enjoyed this chapter!  
Review!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Okay, so here's the next chapter. **

**To blushingfangirl: Clary's not trying to change, so much as trying to hide the fact that she's depressed if I made that kind of a blurry line, sorry. She still is cutting and stuff, not eating, but she's going to act happy for the people at school and around her that way they quit worrying. **

JPOV

I could tell my question had caught her off guard. She still had her arms crossed over her chest and she was still glaring at me. She didn't say anything and went back to looking out her window.

"Do I need to pull over again, Fire Cracker?" I asked getting ready to pull my car over.

"No!" She yelled once again. Why was she yelling so much. "I'm just one of those people who are naturally really cold." She said pretty fast.

"You're really cold?" I repeated disbelievingly. "The Clary who hates jackets and would let herself be dressed up in whatever Isabelle wanted, no matter how revealing, is suddenly 'really cold'?"

"Yes, Jace, is there a problem with being cold all the time."

"Coming from you yes."

She threw her hands up in the air frustrated and slouched back in the seat groaning. "What do you want Jace?" She sounded so miserable when she asked me.

In all honesty maybe she is miserable, and she's finally going to admit it. "I want to know the truth."

"Truth about what?" She snapped sitting back up and glaring at me.

"About how you really feel." I said sincerely. I decided to go ahead and pull the car over that way we wouldn't reach my house before we finished our talk.

"I don't want your help Jace!" She shouted.

"Why not?" I yelled back at her getting frustrated myself with her hard headedness.

"Because I don't want your damn pity or sympathy! That's all anyone's been giving me since Simon died and I am freaking sick and tired of it! I'm just fine on my own! I don't need anyone's help and you can just back the fuck off of my case! I don't want to talk about it. I don't need to talk about it. What part of that do you not understand?" Her green eyes were full of fury and she had started shaking at some point while she was yelling at me. "I don't need your help." She whispered softly biting her lip, and looking out the window.

I reached over and put my hand on her shoulder which she simply shook off, not looking at me. "Everybody needs someone at some point, Clary. You always had Simon to be there for you, but…. He can't be there for you anymore Clary… You need to talk to someone about it. Bottling up your emotions isn't going to get you anywhere."

She didn't say anything just looked out the window. I sighed and unbuckled my seat belt, so I could lean over to her. I put my head on her shoulder and wrapped my arms around her, "What's on your mind Clary?" I whispered into her ear.

"Nothing." Was her simple, curt, answer.

I squeezed my arms a little tighter around her and she flinched. I loosened my hold on her immediately, but didn't take my arms away from her or move my head off of her shoulder. "Why do you flinch when I touch you?" I asked her.

"Get off of me Jace" She said trying to shrug me off.

"Not until you answer my question."

"Because it hurts when you touch me, okay?"

"Just me or everyone?" I pressed.

"I don't like when people touch me because it hurts." She said exasperated.

I let go of her. I was expecting her to turn and look at me, but she just sat there staring out her window. "Clary, look at me."

She shook her head 'no' so I grabbed her chin and turned her head towards me putting both of my hands on her cheeks holding her head in place. She still looked down with her eyes though.

"Clary, look at me or we can't go to my house."

She slowly looked up at me through her lashes. "Why does it hurt?" I asked once again, my voice very gentle.

She looked back down before looking up at me again. "If I tell you can we just drop it and be done. For good? You stop caring, you get Izzy to stop pestering me, and we never bring it back up again?"

I wasn't sure where she was planning on going with this. I thought about it for a moment, but didn't know how to answer. "I won't tell Izzy and I'll get her to stop worrying about you. That's all I'm promising."

"Never bring it up again, or no deal." Clary said firmly looking me in the eyes.

"Alright. I won't bring it up again." I was bluffing. If it's serious I sure as hell will be bringing it back up again no matter what she thinks. I will keep my promise to get Isabelle to stop worrying about her though. That much I could do.

Clary sighed, looked down, and…. Held out her arms to me? I looked at her face trying to ask her what she wanted me to do, but she wouldn't look at me. Slowly I took my hands off of her face, and dropped them to her arms. Clary was looking out the windshield. She wouldn't look at me.

I grabbed her left hand gently and held it loosely while I rolled up the sleeve of her jacket on her left arm. What I saw shocked me.

All over her pale arm were angry red lines. There were diagonal ones and vertical ones. There were a lot especially on her wrist. Her wrist was tanner than the rest of her arms, from scars that might never leave. Some of them were old, I don't know how old though. _How long has this been going on?_

I dropped her left arm and picked up her right hand. I did the same thing holding her hand while I pushed up the sleeve of her jacket only to find the same thing.

I looked up at her, angry with her for doing this. She was biting her lip and still looking out the windshield. "What the hell?" I yelled at her.

She flinched back from me, and looked up to see my face. "Why did you do this to yourself?" I shouted again.

She didn't say anything just looked at me in shame. She turned and looked out the window.

A sudden thought came to my mind, she doesn't like it when people touch her torso, so she must have more cuts there. I asked her to look at me again, and once her body was facing me I lifted up her shirt. Not very high just enough to see her ribcage and more cuts all over her stomach. There were some really deep ones there. Some weren't even scabbing they were puffy red lines. Then there were others which have been there for a long time because they were those thin white ones.

Without looking up from her scar ridden stomach I said in a much softer tone, "Why'd you do it Clary?"

"I was depressed." She mumbled.

I dropped her shirt and looked at her face. She wasn't looking at me, but had her face pointed downwards.

"Is this about Simon?" I asked.

She nodded her head numbly.

"Why'd you do it?"

"I was tired of grieving…. It numbed the pain…" Clary trialed off, her voice defeated and her eyes dead.

I never expected Clary to do this. She always seemed so sweet and innocent, incapable of doing something so mutilating to her body.

All of the fight was gone from her. "Do you feel numb now?" I asked. It seems like a stupid thing to say, but she seems so emotionless right now.

At first she shrugged her shoulders and then she nodded her head yes, still not looking at me.

I got out of the car and walked over to her door. I opened it, and now she was facing the front. "Come here." I said softly sitting down in the grass and holding my arms out to her.

Clary didn't move, so I lightly tugged her arm. She slowly lowered herself down next to me on the grass. I picked her up and set her in my lap wrapping my arms around her. She finally looked at me. Her eyes we so sad that it upset me to see her hurt. She had a few tears welling up in her eyes now.

I gently pulled her head down to rest on my collarbone. "It's okay Clary, it's okay." I murmured while I ran my hand through her bright hair. "Everything will be alright." I kissed the top of her head and then sat my cheek down on top of her head keeping my arms around her waist.

Once we finally got back in the car and we made it home dinner was just being finished and put on the table. Isabelle seemed pissed at me for not getting home with Clary sooner.

It doesn't matter though. I got to be there for Clary and hold her. It was kind of nice sitting there with her. Isabelle can be pissed all she wants.

I didn't really pay attention at dinner because I couldn't get Clary off of my mind. The way she looked when she had given up. What it felt like to hold her in my arms.

I did notice though that she barely ate anything again, and she kept her head down most the time silently talking with Isabelle.

I kept thinking about the look in her eyes when she let me see her arms. How she had just seemed so lifeless in those minutes afterwards. She didn't seem to care or notice anything. I wonder if-

"I'm just going to take Clary home now." Isabelle announced standing up with Clary.

I quickly glanced over to Clary who was hugging Maryse bye. She and Izzy left without even a glance towards me.

I don't know what this feeling I have is, but I don't like it. It's like… disappointment. I shouldn't be disappointed though just because Clary didn't want to say good-bye to me.

I got up and left the table to head to my bedroom and finish up my homework.

A little bit later Izzy knocked on my door and came in.

She had the biggest grin on her face, "So how'd it go?" She asked enthusiastically sitting on the foot of my bed.

"What are you talking about Iz?" I asked sitting up from my position I was laying in.

"With Clary. You think I would just look over that big ass grin on your face and how it dropped when she didn't say bye to you? Spill!" She yelled elbowing me.

"There's nothing to spill."

"Well, did you find out what's wrong with her?"

"She's fine. She's just kind of been out of it because she wasn't accustomed to going to school without Simon and it was odd for her, but she's feeling better now." I told her smoothly.

"Oh, alright. Well see you later." Iz said standing up. "You totally like her!" She yelled running out of the door.

I groaned and lay back down in bed to go to sleep.

CPOV

What the hell was I thinking? Jace knows now, dammit! I made him promise not to bring it back up though, so hopefully he would keep his promise.

I don't know why he was so considerate towards me. It's so… un-Jace like. He doesn't care about anyone. He was probably doing it for Isabelle, but he promised not to tell her.

I had my razor in my hand while I cut my wrist. The sting of the blade was the only thing tethering me to sanity. Without it I don't know where I would be right now.

I probably need to stop cutting for a while. I've been losing a lot of blood lately. It's getting to the point where I need to stop it.

With that thought on my mind I fell asleep on my floor with my wrist still bleeding to tired and exhausted to care. Whether I bled to death or not will be something we'll see about tomorrow.


	9. Chapter 9

**Sorry I didn't update yesterday. I just wasn't really in the right mood to write. I figured it'd be better to just wait until I got into the correct mood rather than writing a shitty chapter.**

**Also I would like to give a shout-out to Ms. HeardonaleMorgensternWayland for helping me out with this chapter. She has a story up too that's really good and you should go check it out sometime. **

* * *

CPOV

I woke up feeling kind of groggy. My mind was fuzzy. I looked down at my arm and saw that I had a lot of dry blood there.

I grabbed my box and stood up feeling slightly dizzy. After stumbling into the bathroom and putting my box up I looked into the mirror. My hair was really frizzy and I looked paler than usual.

My body was just on auto-pilot washing the blood off of my arm and hand, brushing my teeth, and hair. After doing that I headed back into my room. I was forgetting something.

I walked over to my nightstand and grabbed my phone. It was 12:30 in the afternoon. I had five missed texts, three from Isabelle, two from Jace. For a moment I was confused until I remembered that it was Thursday, and I was supposed to be in school.

I groaned realizing that I was supposed to be in school right now. Well, I'm not going, I've missed most of the day. Also I still feel kind of woozy.

I checked my texts from Isabelle first.  
_Hey, where are you? ~I_

_Math is so boring without you! ~I_

_Are you okay? Why are you not answering my texts?! ~I_

Next I checked my messages from Jace.

_Fire Cracker, tell me you didn't do something stupid. Isabelle's over here freaking out on me. ~J_

_Red, I swear I'll come over there if you don't reply soon. ~J_

I rolled my eyes and replied to Isabelle's texts telling her that I was fine, and just didn't feel well. Once I responded to her text I responded to Jace's.

_I'm fine calm down, God. No need to be over dramatic. ~C _

I had just put my phone down when he responded.

_You expect me to be calm after what you showed me yesterday? For all I know you could have bled out on the floor over there. ~J_

_Well I'm alive, so calm down. ~C_

_I'm still coming over. ~J_

What the hell, why? You said if I

_didn't__ respond you'd come over. I texted both you and Isabelle. ~C_

_I was already on my way over, Red. You didn't respond fast enough. ~J_

_So you're texting and driving at the same time…? ~C_

_Yes. ~J_

_Don't crash dumbass. ~C_

_I'll talk to you in a minute, I'm almost there. ~J_

I groaned and went into my closet to find something to wear. I decided to throw on a purple tank top, dark jeans, and my jacket. I braided my hair which looked pretty awful because my hair is so frizzy.

I was walking into the living room when the doorbell rang. Huffing I walked over and opened it to reveal Jace. He did say he was coming over, so I'm not that surprised.

"Why are you here Jace?" I scowled at him.

He walked past me, "Well I was worried about you Fire Cracker." He turned to look at me raising an eyebrow with a serious look.

"I'm fine see." I held my hands up after shutting the door.

"Isabelle said you felt sick. You look a little pale." He noted, it seemed as if he were talking to himself rather than me.

"I did. I wasn't feeling good and slept in late."

"When did you wake up?"

I walked into the living room and took a seat on the couch. Jace sat on the opposite end from me. "I don't know. Around noon…"

"Pretty much forty minutes ago?"

"More or less." I shrugged pulling my feet on the couch and sitting cross-legged.

"Why aren't you talking to me Clary?" Jace asked me with a soft tone, "You talked to me yesterday, why not today?"

"Moment of weakness. Everyone has them, I don't want to talk to you Jace. You can just forget whatever I showed you yesterday and leave. Go back to all of your friends at school, and your toys." I told him coldly.

"I've known you since you met Izzy, Clary, I'm worried about you. You're not dealing with your grief properly. You-"

"You can't tell me how, or how not to deal with things. You're not my dad, and I don't need you. Whatever happened yesterday meant nothing. You pissed me off and got me to say things I shouldn't have. I don't care how it seemed, I don't want your help." I told him crossing my arms over my chest.

"Why won't you just let me help you?" He pleaded with me, moving so he was right in front of me.

"I. Don't. Want. Your. Help."

"Can we at least talk about this?"

"Nope."

"You're so damn unreasonable!" He yelled at me. "Why can't you just accept the fact that I want to help you?" He continued yelling, throwing his hands around frustrated.

"I already told you I don't want your help! You can leave me alone now. I appreciate you picking me up for school, and then driving me to your house but that was the extent of our talking. You have your friends; I have mine."

"Yeah, you have Isabelle. Your only friend. You're too bitter to let anyone else in! You can't even let her in! You just want to lock up inside of yourself and screw everyone else because they don't matter, right?" He was shouting.

"Then who do you want me to be Jace? Obviously I'm not good enough for your standards!" I yelled back.

"I want you to be honest and open up to people! I want you to be happy!"

"Fine, I'll be happy! Will that please you? I can start making a list of all the things I should change about myself!" I know I said I was going to be the old me, but Jace is being pushy about this.

"Why are you wearing your jacket?" He asked softly, surprising me.

I was about to yell at him when I realized that I didn't exactly have a reason to yell at him again. "I'm cold." I said.

"Yeah, bullshit. Let me see your arm." He said holding his hand out.

"No, look at your own arm." I told him crossing my arms over my chest.

"I'll sit on you if that's what it takes to look at your arm." His tone and look was dead serious.

I sighed and began to take off my jacket, then quickly hopped off the couch. I was planning on going into the bathroom and locking myself in there until he leaves, but I hadn't even made it three feet when he caught up to me.

True to his word he sat on my waist and took my jacket off. He looked at my arms trying to find any new cuts I suppose. I thought he was going to overlook the one on my wrist, he almost did, but his searching eyes discovered my secret. I guess it would have been hard to miss a deep gash on normal circumstances, but considering there were cuts running up and down my arm and practically all of my body I'm shocked he caught it.

"Did you do this last night?" He questions me softly. He's holding my wrist gently looking at it.

"Yes." I said hesitantly.

"Oh Clary. Why do you do this to yourself?" He looked…. Sad?

"I don't want to be upset anymore." I answered quietly.

"You can always talk to me when you feel the need to cut. I've never done it so I don't understand, but I swear I'll help you through this."

"I don't want your help." I told him quietly looking at his face for a reaction. He looked upset, but also like he knew I would say that.

"I know you don't Clare. I know you don't." He murmured.

Jace got up off of me, and offered me his hand. I didn't take it, but stood up on my own, smoothing out my clothes.

I eyed him curiously, "Are you going back to school?"

"Nah, I'm just going to stay here and keep an eye on you." He gave me a pointed look as he went and sat back down on the couch.

"Um, I'll be right back then… I need to brush my hair." I said running off to the bathroom.

JPOV

I can't believe how deep that cut in Clary's arm is. She really cut it bad last night, that's probably why she wasn't at school. She actually _was_ passed out.

I don't know why I feel so protective over her. I usually don't care what girls do with themselves. I know that sounds awful, but I've never wanted to help someone until now. I don't want Clary to die. If she slit her wrist too much she could die.

That's what happened to my mother. After father was in a car crash she got really depressed. She had stopped eating, and then one night she slit her wrists after tucking me into bed. She died by the time I woke up in the morning. Now, here I am with the Lightwoods.

Clary's too sweet for that to happen to her though. Sweet, innocent, little Clary. There's no way she can just die on all of us. It would devastate Izzy even more than Simon's death did.

I would be pretty depressed too…

I'm snapped out of my thoughts when Clary comes back into the living room and sits on the other end of the couch. She's still wearing her jacket.

"You can take your jacket off around me you know." I tell her nonchalantly.

"I like to keep it on around people." She mumbles quietly.

"I'm not going to judge you for it Clary. You can feel one hundred percent comfortable around me."

"Alright." She looks down at her lap. I notice that she's playing with her thumbs.

She's a hard shell to crack. I know I'm going to have to force her to talk to me if I ever want results. She's built up walls higher than mine were when I first moved in with the Lightwoods. She also has sturdier ones. I hope that I'm the one who can unlock her heart and set her free, so she can live life. I just have to figure out how to do that. She's-

Clary interrupts my thoughts by saying, "Do you want to watch a movie?" She looks at me expectantly waiting for my answer.

"Sure, I don't care what."

Clary gets up to go look for a movie for us to watch while I scoot towards the middle of the couch, and prop my feet up on the small circular coffee table in front of the couch. The living room is a small neat little space. It has two bookshelves on the back wall, some pictures of Clary and Valentine, an armchair next to the couch, and a TV in front of the couch.

Clary comes back two minutes later. "We don't really have a lot of movies, so how about Zathura?"

"Yeah, I haven't seen that movie in ages." I say smiling at her.

Clary simply rolls her eyes and walks over to turn the TV on and put the DVD in the player. Once the movie is on she turns off the light and sits down a little bit away from me.

"I don't bite Red. Come over here."

She glances at me then turns back to the TV. "Come on don't you want to prop your feet up?" I ask her.

Again, she doesn't say anything. She just silently moves over and sits next to me. Slowly she props her feet up and leans her head back against the couch closing her eyes.

I drape my arm over the couch behind her head. "Are you tired?" I whisper.

She nods her head 'yes'.

I move my arm down to lay across her shoulder and pull her closer to me, so her head rests against my shoulder. "Then go to sleep." I whisper in her hair.

"Okay." She answers me quietly already drifting off to sleep.

As I watch the movie I slowly drift off to sleep myself my head rested against Clary's.

I wake up a little bit later to see that Clary and I are now laying down on the couch, me on the edge, her in between the back of the couch and me. She seems to be shivering, so I carefully stand up to look for a blanket. I notice one on the armchair next to the couch, grab it, lay back down, and set the blanket down over both Clary and I.

After that I drift back off to sleep my arms wrapped around Clary's small waist and my head resting by the nape of her neck, with a small smile on my face.

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**End of chapter 8. I hope you all liked it.**

**Let me know what you think, review!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Thank you again to ****Ms. HerondaleMorngensternWayland for proof reading my chapters.**

JPOV

Slowly I woke up, I opened my eyes slowly to see a lot of curly red hair. I was momentarily confused before I remembered coming over here yesterday when Clary didn't show up for school because she had slit her wrist too much.

I pulled my phone out of my back pocket, it was 6:30 AM. Depending on how Clary feels I may or may not be going to school. If she doesn't feel good still, which wouldn't shock me considering I have yet to see her eat and how much she's cut, I'm going to keep her here and watch her.

I carefully lifted myself up onto one elbow so I was slightly over Clary. Using my other hand I gently shook her. "Clary, wake up." I whispered into her ear. I did this a couple of times before she woke up.

Once she awoke she turned slightly and looked up at me with tired eyes. "Jace…?" She asked sounding exhausted. "Why are you still here?"

"We fell asleep while watching a movie." I looked down into her green eyes. We were really close to each other. "Do you want to go to school today?" I asked her softly.

Yawning Clary began to sit up, which brought her face closer to mine. "Not really." She said sleepily. "I just wanna sleep." Once she said that she laid back down, but she turned her body so she was facing me.

I stayed there for a few minutes propped up onto my elbow before I laid back down on my side next to her.

"Aren't you going to school?" She whispered staring at me with her luminous eyes.

"I'm going to stay here and take care of you." I answered softly.

She simply nodded before falling back asleep. I put my arm around her waist and pulled her closer to me, placing my chin on her head. I stayed awake though. I couldn't go back to sleep. Clary needed to eat food, and she wasn't fighting me yet which is good, but I think she's just too exhausted to fight me right now.

* * *

I woke up again a little bit later, I hadn't even realized I'd fallen asleep. Clary was gone. I checked my phone to find that it was about 12:30.

I got up off the couch and folded the blanket we had used putting it back onto the armchair beside the couch. Once I did that I went into the kitchen to see where Clary went.

She wasn't in there, so I started down her hallway. I heard water running and figured she must be taking a shower. I turned around and went to sit on the couch to wait for her.

On second thought I'll make something for breakfast…. More so lunch, and try to get her to eat something.

I headed back into the kitchen to and started looking through the cupboards and cabinets to figure out what to make. I shouldn't make anything super big because Clary won't eat a lot, I know that much.

In the cupboards I found some peanut butter, bread, and honey. Grabbing the bread I stuck it into the toaster and put the honey into the microwave to warm it up a bit.

The toaster popped indicating that the bread was done. I grabbed two paper towels, and the pieces of toast, then put peanut butter on two of the slices. When the microwave beeped I grabbed the honey and put it on the other two pieces of toast sticking the peanut butter and honey sandwiches together.

As I was setting the sandwiches down on the table Clary came into the kitchen in a pair of shorts and tank top. Her shorts stopped about mid-thigh, so not too much was showing but I could still see cuts all over her thighs. Now I understood why she wanted something that went past her knee.

I quickly diverted my eyes so she wouldn't feel uncomfortable.

"Jace, what are you doing?" She asked crossing her arms over her chest.

"Well, I woke up and you were taking a shower so I decided to make lunch."

"I'm not hungry." She said immediately.

"Come on, Clare, you don't eat enough. Just have a sandwich. It's not that much food."

Clary glanced around before slowly walking over and seating down in one of the chairs. I sat down beside her and started eating.

I noticed she was looking down and had her hands clasped together in her lap twiddling her thumbs. I set my sandwich down and placed my hands over hers. "Just eat it. It's good." I smiled.

She returned my smile and moved her hands out from under mine. Hesitantly she grabbed her sandwich and took a small bite out of it.

"There you go." I patted her on the back and smiled then resumed eating my own sandwich.

Slowly Clary ate about half her sandwich before claiming that she was full. I eyed her suspiciously, but decided not to say anything and let it slip this time.

"Well since you're not going to eat the rest of your sandwich I will." I spoke while reaching over to grab her sandwich.

"You're really going to eat after me?" She scrunched up her face in disdain.

Once I finished her sandwich and we threw away our paper towels we headed into the living room to sit on the couch.

Clary sat on one end crossing her legs and facing me. I sat down in the middle of the couch looking back at her. "You look better today, Red. How do you feel?"

She shrugged "Fine I guess."

"Are you still feeling lightheaded?"

"I have a headache."

"Do you want some Advil? I'll go get you some." I started to get off the couch.

Clary stopped me though. "No it's fine, I just want to lay down, maybe we could finish our movie?"

"Okay." I smiled while she turned the movie back on.

After she did that she sat back down where she was. A few minutes into the movie she put her head on the armrest and stretched her legs out a bit. She's trying to lay down, probably to go back to sleep.

I grab her feet and put them in my lap that way she's laying straight out. "Geez, you're feet are cold Clary!" I looked over at her.

She completely ignored what I said, "When the movie's over I need to go to your house, I should probably go talk to Isabelle."

"Okay, Clary. If you fall asleep, I'll wake you up so we can go."

"Okay."

While the movie was playing Clary kept shifting her head, I guess the armrest wasn't very comfortable for her to keep her head on.

"You can lay your head on me." I casually said, smirking.

Clary glared at skeptically and rolled her eyes going back to trying to get comfortable.

I laughed at her, "Come here."

"No."

"Clary, come on. It wouldn't be that bad. You didn't have a problem with it last night."

She scowled at me. "I said no."

I rolled my eyes at her and grabbed her shoulders, and moved her over to me so her head was in my lap. I started messing with her hair. "Better?" I asked smirking down at her.

"Not by much." She muttered turning onto her side to watch the movie.

She had her left arm under her head and her right arm about half way across her torso. I noticed that her breathing had evened out and she fell asleep. I took my hand that wasn't playing with her hair and laid it down on top of the arm on her torso grabbing her hand. It was kind of cold just like her feet. I planted a kiss to the crown of her head and turned my attention back to the movie.

This time I didn't fall asleep.

* * *

CPOV

When Jace gently shook me awake I noticed that my head was still in his lap from where I fell asleep earlier. My headache was gone now, and I didn't feel as tired.

I rolled onto my back to look up at Jace. He was smiling at me. "Hey sleepy, the movies over. You ready to go to my house or do you want to sleep a bit more?"

"Let's just go." I said sitting up.

Jace thinks he's doing me a favor, but he's not. I'll just let him think that I'm "opening up" or whatever he wants me to do, but I don't trust him. I just want him to get off my back. Maybe if he thinks I'm open about it he'll leave me alone.

I'm honestly surprised he's still here. Nobody cares about me. Valentine doesn't like me, Jocelyn left me, Isabelle completely ditched me when Simon died, and Simon left… nobody cares enough to stay, so why is Jace?

I bet this is all some sort of practical joke and then in the end he's going to tell me that he hates me or something.

I stood up to go get changed into something more appropriate for going out. I came back into the living room a few minutes later when I had changed into some blue jeans and a black long sleeve shirt.

Jace stood up and walked out of the house, I followed behind him locking the door on my way out. We walked up to his car and he opened the passenger side door for me. Once I was seated and buckling my seat belt he closed the door, walked past the front of his car, and got into the driver's side.

The ride to his house was eerily silent, and I could not wait to get out of the car and go find Isabelle.

As soon as we got to his house and he stopped the car I got out and walked inside, towards the stairs. She was already back from school, so I wasn't just awkwardly going to be sitting there waiting for her to come home.

On my way to her room though, Maryse stopped me and asked me how I was feeling.

"I'm fine, thanks." I smiled politely.

"Isabelle mentioned you weren't at school the last two days, and that you felt sick. Is there anything I can do for you sweetie?"

Maryse was such a kind woman. Isabelle, Jace, and Alec were lucky to have her as their mom. "I'm fine, Jace just brought me over here so I can hang out with Isabelle for a little bit."

"Alright dear, well, have fun." I turned around to start my trek once again to Isabelle's room, but I ran into a person.

"I'm sorry." I looked up and realized it was Jace, "Maybe I'm not." I said. The time it took for me to talk to Maryse must have been enough time for him to come inside himself.

"Sure, Red." He winked at me and walked into the kitchen.

I headed towards Izzy's room.

Once I finally reached her door I knocked on her door I waited for her to answer. It took a few minutes, I have no idea what she was doing, but finally she opened the door.

"Oh Clary!" She squealed giving me a tight hug. "Come into my room. I have so much to tell you! Well not a lot, but I have stuff to tell you!" Isabelle started rambling on and I turned out while she tried to figure what she had to tell me, and if it was a lot.

"Oh before I forget, how are you feeling Clary?" She asked eyeing me. "You look paler than usual other than that you look fine! Are you still sick?"

"No Izzy I'm fine." I told her while I took a seat on her bed, she sat down next to me.

"Okay, since that's settled…. Clary guess what!"

* * *

**So any ideas on what Izzy wants to tell Clary? **

**Review! I don't know how you guys like the story if you don't. **

**Sorry this chapter got posted a little late. I got preoccupied, and was unable to publish until now. I will have the next chapter up Thursday. Promise.**


	11. Chapter 11

CPOV

"Hmm, what?" I asked raising my eyebrows at Izzy.

"So, you know Sebastian Verlac right?" She said talking slowly.

"Yeah, of course I do, he's in my P.E. class." I informed her.

"Well, he came and sat with me at lunch, while you were out."

"And…"

"And I think I like him!" Izzy squealed.

"Aww, Izzy-wizzy has a crush." I said in a baby voice.

"Oh shut-up. Asshat." She muttered the last part.

I smile, "I'm so happy for you Izzy!" I leaned over to give her a hug.

"Do you think he likes me back?" She asked while embracing me.

"I can ask in P.E. Monday if you'd like." I offered, smiling, and keeping my arms around her.

"I would love that, thank you Clary." She shouted pulling completely out of my embrace. "I should find you someone to go out with, and then when Sebastian asks me out we can go on a double date!"

"No!" I yelled. "No double dates, I don't like anyone." I told her.

"C'mon, Clary. There has to be somebody that you like." Isabelle stood up and started pacing in front of her bed.

"I'm fine, Izzy. I don't want to date anyone."

"Well, when Sebastian asks me out I want you to go on a date with us. What if I ask Jace to be your date?" Isabelle snapped her fingers. "That's it! You can go with Jace, as friends of course, and then I'll go with Sebastian and it'll be perfect!" She clapped her hands together beaming.

"Aren't you getting ahead of yourself Izzy? I don't want to go on a date with Jace, and Sebastian might not even ask you out."

"It's going to happen." She says matter of factly.

"I don't want to go with your brother on a date Iz, or anybody for that matter."

"Nonsense, I'll go ask Jace right now!" She ran out of the door.

I sat on her bed dumbfounded until I realized what was happening. "What? Izzy no!" I shouted running after her towards Jace's room.

By the time I go there though, Izzy was already finished speaking, and Jace had a smirk on his face.

"You wanna go on a date, Red?" Jace asked cocking an eyebrow at me.

"Dammit Izzy, I said no!" I shouted.

"Well, too late it's setup now." She smiled and walked out of Jace's room.

I dragged a hand slowly down my face groaning. I leaned against his wall by his door.

"So, Red, you and I are going on a date." He was still smirking and it was so freaking irritating.

"No, we're not. I told Izzy no. I refuse to go on a date with you!" I yelled pointing at him.

"Clary calm down." He said walking over to me.

Once he reached me he set a hand on my shoulder. I shrugged it off and left. "Don't touch me, and it's not a date." I called over my shoulder.

I calmly walked back into Izzy's room. "Are you happy now?" I asked crossing my arms over my chest. She was sitting at her vanity table brushing her hair, while I leaned against her doorframe.

"Why of course I am." She said beaming at me. "Now we both have dates."

"I have a date, Sebastian hasn't even asked you out, remember?"

"I'll ask him out. He's not going to say no."

"How are you so confident in that."

She just smirked at me and went back to brushing her hair.

After a few minutes she put down her brush, stood up, and walked over to me, "Since you and Jace are going on a date I suggest you get him to take you home." She grabbed my shoulders and started turning me towards her door.

"Are you trying to get rid of me?" I asked as she shoved me into the hall.

"Yes!" She shouted as she slammed the door behind me.

I banged my fist on her door, which she had locked and yelled, "What the hell Izzy?"

She just laughed. I sighed in defeat and walked back to Jace's room.

I knocked on his door.

"What do you want now Iz?" He yelled sounding exasperated.

"It's not Izzy, it's me." I said quietly.

I heard some shuffling, which I assume was Jace getting off of his bed, and then he opened his door. He had his smirk on his face like usual. "What do you want Red?"

"Izzy said that you have to drive me home." I informed him while crossing my arms over my chest.

He leaned against the doorframe and said, "Why should I do that?"

"Um, because your sister said?"

"Nope. That's not a good reason at all."

"Fine, whatever, I'll just freaking walk home." I said throwing my arms down to my side and stomping off. Truth be told, I don't want to walk home. It'll take me half an hour to walk home.

When I was down stairs I heard footsteps quickly following me. "Clary! Clary, wait up! I'll take you home." I turned around to see Jace slowing his pace down as he caught up to me. "I don't want you walking home alone. It's going to get dark soon, so I'll drive you."

I just looked at him and then continued to walk outside. Jace took the lead as we exited the house, walking to the car, and opening my door for me. Once I was inside his car he shut my door, walking to the driver's side to get in himself.

We drove in silence toward my house. Once we got there Jace turned off his car and followed me inside.

"You can go now, Jace. Thanks for the ride." I said with my back turned towards him. I really just wanted to be alone right now. I was tired of having him constantly there and around me. It was uncomfortable.

"Why do you want me to leave?" He asked taking a seat on the couch.

"Because I want to be alone. Is there something wrong with that Jace? I'm tired of having you around all the time. I appreciate you not telling Izzy, and I appreciate that you checked on me. Your babysitting job is over. I don't need you to treat me like I can't take care of myself. I'm perfectly fine on my own. " I said glaring at him.

Jace stood up and walked over to me, "Why do you keep trying to push me away?"

I looked down at the floor, "I just want to be alone, I'm not pushing you away." I mumbled.

"Really? Because you keep shutting me out Clary. You won't tell me anything unless I piss you off to the point where you tell me. I'm just trying to help. I'm trying to be a good friend, and you won't let me help you."

"Because it is none of your damn business what I do with myself! I told you that in the car. I don' t want your help, nor do I need it." I said my face flushing with anger. I looked up at him crossing my arms over my chest.

"You only let Simon in. You used to be open now you're cold hearted! Sometimes it seems like you don't even have one because you are so emotionless. If you don't want to talk fine. I don't understand why you're being such a bitch about this though! We all have our own problems. It's fucking normal to need help with shit!" He yelled.

"Just go away." I told him in a monotone.

"See! You can't even put emotion into your voice. Screw it, I'm fucking done trying to help when you don't want it." He turned quickly on his heel and walked out the door.

I numbly walked into my bedroom and sat on the floor next to the door. I brought my knees up to my chest and put my head down on my knees, wrapping my arms around them.

Jace is right. I am cold hearted. It's not my fault that everybody left. If people didn't break their promises and leave me, then I wouldn't be like this. I just want Simon back… Everything made sense when he was alive. Sometimes I think it's my fault he's dead. I'm the reason my mom left.

Maybe if I were a better daughter my mom would have stayed. Maybe if I were a better daughter Valentine would love me. Maybe if I was a better friend Simon would still be alive. So many maybes that I'll never get to know the truth to.

I hate myself. I hate myself for being a bad daughter. I hate myself for being a bad friend. I hate myself for not being able to accept help from people. I hate myself for being afraid of people leaving me again. I hate myself for everything.

I'm not good enough for anyone. People only pity me. I wish I could find a reason to love myself, but I can't. I'm a no good piece of shit. I'm a shitty person all in all. There's nothing good about me.

Jace was right. I'm a bitch. No matter what happens I will always be a cold- hearted bitch. Just like he told me.

* * *

JPOV

I'm such an asshole! Why did I ever say that to Clary! She's not cold hearted, and she's not a bitch. God, I'm an ass. I was just tired of her not talking to me and giving me the cold shoulder.

I sat in my car outside of her building and started banging my head on the steering wheel. Shit, I screwed up. Maybe I should go in there and apologize. Unless she's really pissed at me, then she won't even let me in. Goddammit.

Maybe I'll just go see her tomorrow. That would be a god idea right? I don't want to push her to much today, so if I drop by tomorrow. Maybe we can talk and she'll understand that what I said was just in the heat of the moment.

God, I'm such a jerk!

I hit my head on the steering wheel one more time, then started my car, and drove away.

When I reached my house all of the lights were off. I turned my car off, went inside, and silently walked up to my bedroom.

Once in my bedroom I laid down on my bed. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and thought about texting Clary. Maybe she'll answer and then I can ask her if we can hang out tomorrow…

_Hey, Clare? ~J_

I hope she answers because I feel like shit for saying that to her. I'll just go over tomorrow and apologize, whether she responds to my text or not.

I got off my bed and headed into my bathroom to take a shower.

Once I finished my shower I walked out of my bathroom with a towel wrapped around my waist and checked my phone. No text from Clary.

Sighing I went to my dresser pulling out a pair of boxers and sweats. When I had those on I climbed into bed and turned my lamp out.

Checking my phone one last time, with no new text from Clary, I went to sleep.

* * *

CPOV

Slowly I stood up from where I was crouched on the floor. I went into the living room, and out the door to sit on the porch outside. I brought my iPod and box with me.

Sitting on the steps I switched through the songs until I found one.

Pulling my blade out of my box I let my mind wonder again. Nobody likes me. I pulled my jacket off, and held the blade to my wrist.

I'm worthless. Nobody loves me. Nobody wants me around. Simon loved me, but because I was a bad friend he's dead now. I slid the blade across my right wrist.

_This one's for the lonely child  
Brokenhearted, running wild  
This was written for the one to blame  
One who believes they are the cause of chaos and everything_

Slowly my wrist started bleeding. I bit my lip and watched as the scarlet blood pooled and started dripping down my arm. I leaned my head back and looked up at the sky.

_You may find yourself in the dead of night_

_Lost somewhere up in the great big beautiful sky_

_You were all just perfect little satellites_

_Spinning round and round this broken earthly life_

I took my blade into my right hand and held it to my left wrist. Maybe if I cut deep enough I could leave. I could be free and find peace. I wouldn't be in anybody's way anymore. People wouldn't have to tolerate me anymore.

_This is so you'll know the sound_

_Of someone who loves you from the ground_

_Tonight you're not alone at all_

_This is me sending out my satellite call_

I wish Simon were still here. He would have helped me. I wouldn't even be doing this if I weren't such a bad person. I don't want to go to school Monday. I don't want to see anybody anymore. Maybe, just a little more blood and I could be free.

_This is so you'll know the sound_

_Of someone who loves you from the ground_

_Tonight you're not alone at all_

_This is me sending out my satellite call_

I drug the blade across my wrist and looked down at it. There wasn't any blood, but a white wide gash. It wasn't the first time. I slit the skin pretty bad and soon it will fill up with blood. I watched with fascination as the blood started welling up slowly in the gash on my left wrist. Maybe just a little more blood and I'll be done.

My blood was dripping down both of my arms. Smiling I got up and walked back into my house. I put my box back into the bathroom, took off my clothes and hopped into the shower. I watched as the water ran down my body taking my blood with it. My wrists bled for a little bit before finally slowing down.

I got out of the shower, walked to my bedroom, and slipped into a tank top and pair of shorts.

I didn't want blood all over my bed, so I reached into my drawer and pulled out two big Band-Aids and sticking them on my wrist.

Feeling exhausted I contentedly fell asleep in my bed feeling a bit better now.

* * *

**Thanks for reading!**

**Once again I would like to thank Ms. HerondaleMorgensternWayland for helping me with my chapter. You all should go check out her story, it's good.**

**You all know Izzy so well! Haha.**

**Review I like to know what you think.**

**Also the song I used in this chapter is Satellite Call by Sara Bareilles. All rights go to her for this song.**


	12. Chapter 12

JPOV

When I woke up I looked over at my clock to see it was seven in the morning. I got out of my bed and stretched a little before heading into my bathroom to shower- my mind was still a little foggy from sleep.

I turned the water on almost all the way hot. Stepping out of my pants and boxers I got in the shower to get clean.

A few minutes later I was fully dressed sitting on my bed, looking at my phone to see that Clary had still yet to text me back.

I wonder if it's too early to head to her house. I stood up and started pacing the room. What happened yesterday slowly creeping back into my memory.

I never should have said those mean, nasty things to her. It was awful of me and I feel like such a tool for doing it.

Sighing I ran a hand through my hair and went downstairs into the kitchen to get a bowl of cereal or something for breakfast.

Sitting down at the table I slowly ate my bowl of Lucky Charms. I wonder if Izzy has talked to Clary. Glancing at my phone I saw that it was now eight.

I dialed Clary's number and held my phone to my ear waiting while I ate my breakfast. She didn't answer.

I raked a hand through my hair making it disheveled.

I quickly finished my food and put my bowl in the sink heading back to my bedroom to put on shoes.

After lacing up my tennis shoes I ran down the stairs, out the door, and got my car started.

I quickly pulled out of the drive way to go to Clary's house.

I arrived at her house fairly quickly and rushed up the steps of her house to knock on her door.

She didn't answer, so I knocked again.

Maybe she still is asleep. I pulled my phone out of my pocket sent her a text to tell her that I was outside and to open the door when she woke up.

With my text being sent I sat down on her porch to wait for her to wake up.

Maybe she's still mad at me and she's refusing to answer. I might be better off just going home.

I'm not really sure what to do. I want to help Clary, but she doesn't want my help.

I honestly think that she hates me.

I've never been in this situation. My first thought when she showed me was to help her, but the further this goes and the more I try to help her she keeps pushing me away.

Maybe I should just leave her to figure it out on her own. That's what she wants.

I should just not care. I mean that's what she wants is it not?

I can't keep trying just for her to push me away.

I don't understand why she can't just accept my help and be happy about it.

I don't know what to do in this situation. Should I tell somebody? I promised her I wouldn't. Should I try to help her? I did, she doesn't want it. Should I ignore it? That might make it worse.

There are so many freaking things that I could do, and I have no freaking idea what I should do! I don't know what she expects from me, especially when she doesn't allow me to help. Maybe she just doesn't want anything to do with me.

Goddamn this is frustrating! Sighing I laid down on my back on her porch to wait for her to wake up.

* * *

CPOV

I woke up feeling dizzy, sitting up made it worse. I lay back down and close my eyes putting my arm over my head.

I opened my eyes again and noticed my room wasn't very bright. I wonder what time it is.

Glancing at my clock I noticed it was seven in the afternoon.

I wonder if Valentine is home yet.

Slowly I got out of my bed grabbing my phone. I put my hand on the wall to steady myself as I walked to the living room. There didn't appear to be anyone home except me.

Keeping my hand on the wall for as long as possible I made my way to the couch taking my time. Once I was sitting down on the couch I looked at my phone.

I had two new texts from Jace. One was from last night and one was from this morning.

_Hey Clare? ~J_

_Clary, I'm outside your house. Open up when you're awake. ~J_

Sighing I got off the couch and made my way to the door. I opened it to reveal Jace laying on his back on the porch.

I'm not sure if he's asleep.

Slowly I walked over to him. My head was spinning like crazy. I nudged him with my toe. He didn't stir.

I kicked him, and he bolted awake hitting my leg which pushed me backwards. The sudden motion made me dizzy and I fell over.

Jace sat up quickly. He looked like he didn't know where he was, his face was scrunched up in confusion. When he turned his head in my direction his face cleared of the confusion.

"Why are you on the ground Clary?" He asked tilting his head to the side.

"I could ask you why you're sleeping on my porch." I retorted. I placed my hand on the wall to help steady myself as I stood up.

"I was waiting for your tired ass to wake up." He teased smirking at me.

I rolled my eyes and walked back into my house to sit on the couch again. Jace followed shutting the door behind him.

We sat in silence for a few minutes before Jace finally broke it. He was sitting right next to me and turned his head to look at me, "I'm sorry for being an asshat Clary."

I shrugged, "You were just being honest." I glanced at him before staring at the wall.

"No it's not okay. What I said was so far from the truth, Clare. Don't believe what I said to you." He was staring intently at me, but I didn't feel like talking to him.

He had yet to noticed my bandaged wrists. I didn't even think about it before I answered the door. I'm not sure what I was thinking about in all honesty. I wasn't thinking anything I guess. Just about how dizzy I was.

I shrugged again not sure how to reply.

He sighed running a hand through his hair. "Are you mad at me?"

"No." I said. I don't know why I would be mad at him for telling me the truth. All he did was confirm everything that I thought of myself. Well not everything, but some of the things.

"I'm sorry." He was still looking at me.

I just pulled my knees up to my chest wrapping my arms around them. Maybe he won't notice my bandages. I still don't know what he's waiting for me to say.

I decided to ask him that, "What do you want me to say?" My gaze was still resting on the wall.

"Tell me what you want me to do. I don't know what you want me to do. Tell me you're mad at me, tell me you want my help. Something." He implored.

"I don't want your help, and I'm not mad." I shrugged once more.

Jace looked down at his lap then at me again, "What happened to your wrists?"

I paled. "I don't know what you're talking about." I tried to sound nonchalant. I'm not sure how well that worked though. I don't want to tell him anything else.

He grabbed my hand closest to him and pulled the Band-Aid off gently. "Holy shit Clary! Why did you cut yourself so badly?" He was looked at my left wrist…. The worse of the two.

I shrugged.

"Would you quit shrugging and answer the damn question!" He yelled, sounding worried.

Finally I peeled my eyes away from the wall to look at him. He was looking down at my wrist with a scared expression.

I pulled my arm back from him. "I'm fine. I just got carried away last night."

"So it was because of me?" He sounded awful.

"No."

"Then why?"

"I wanted to."

"Clary please let me help you. I don't want to see you going through this. You never should feel this upset. I don't know why you do it; I mean I know you're depressed, but I don't know why you're so depressed that you want to mutilate your body so bad." His eyes were boring into mine as he spoke.

I didn't know what to say. I wanted help, but at the same time help made me weak. Just like crying. There are things that make you weak and I believe that seeking help is one of them. Plus it's not like Jace would stay with me.

I bet he just wants to know so he can go spread rumors or some shit like that. I don't need help. I'm just fine on my own.

I'm not sure what Jace is playing at, but I'm not going to fall for it. He'd leave me just like everyone else did.

Jocelyn left me. Simon left me. Izzy pretty much left me. I don't care if she came back or not when I needed her most she was nowhere to be found. She wasn't concerned about me; therefore, she left me.

Jace is a player. It's a very well-known fact. I don't know why he's suddenly taken interest in trying to help me, but I don't want to be a victim to his games.

My heart has suffered enough shit from people and I don't want to add to it. The pain isn't worth it. Especially when I know he's going to leave when he gets what he wants. I'm not sure what he wants, but there must be something.

Nobody would care enough to "help" me with ulterior motives. I'm just not sure what those ulterior motives might be at the moment.

I looked over at him to realize that he was still waiting for me to reply. I'm not sure what to tell him. I want so desperately to tell him to fuck off and leave me the hell alone, but his eyes are pleading with me. They seem so sincere that I find it hard to refuse.

Jace picked up my hand and his eyes continued to bore into mine. I opened my mouth to tell him no, but then I closed it again.

Sometimes I want help. Sometimes I think it would be nice to have someone love me and take care of me, but at the same time I don't want Jace's help. I don't want help from anyone. I want someone to hold me while I cry when I do, but I don't want anyone to see me break down to that point where I do cry. I want someone to care, but I don't want anyone's attention.

God, I'm indecisive. I silently laughed at myself. I can't make up my fucking mind on what I want.

I guess it would be best to tell Jace to fuck off and leave me alone, but he seems to care.

It's just and act Clary, part of my mind was telling me. But then there was another part that's saying, he just wants to help and make me better.

I shake my head to get rid of the voices in my head. Gee, does that not make me sound mental?

I pull my attention back to the present and stop analyzing everything so much. Ah, there's my problem. I like to over analyze everything and get lost in my head. Getting lost in your head can be good or bad depending on what's in there-

"Please Clary? I want to help you." Jace's voice broke me out of my thoughts. His eyes were pleading with mine.

"I just want to help you, Clary."

**Well, I hope you guys have enjoyed this chapter!**

**Thank you again to for helping me out with this chapter, you all should go check out her story!**


	13. Chapter 13

JPOV

"Okay." She whispered so softly I almost didn't catch it.

I stared at her confused. I wasn't expecting her to actually say okay. I was expecting more of a fight; based off the look she gave herself she wasn't expecting to say it either.

I didn't know what to say. I was happy that she said she would let me help, but at the same time I'm worried that she'll take it back and say she didn't mean it.

She sat in front of me biting her lip, looking at me, while I sat there staring into her eyes trying to see if I could find anything that would tell me she meant it. All I could see was her guarded expression, there's always a wall behind her eyes that I can't seem to find a way around.

We sat there staring at each other until she sighed and stood up. I quickly grabbed her wrist, and she turned around, "Where are you going?"

"I prefer to do something other than staring at people waiting for them to say something."

"You'll let me help you?" I asked her hopefully.

She looked away from me, biting her lip, and then turned her head back towards me. I still hadn't let go of her wrist. She simply shrugged her shoulders as if to say she doesn't care. Maybe she doesn't care. Obviously what she's doing isn't a problem to her. I'm the problem that she can't get rid of. Maybe, though, she's actually going to talk to me.

I stood up, still not releasing my hold on her. I looked into her eyes and then pulled her into me to hug her.

She tensed up as I wrapped my arms around her small frame. I rested my head on top of hers. Hesitantly, she wrapped her arms around my waist, her face pressed against my chest.

I smiled and kissed the top of her head without even considering my actions. She tensed up again as I did it before relaxing. "Thank you." I whispered against her hair.

She nodded her head slightly then stepped out of my embrace. I felt the loss of her immediately.

"Well?" She asked crossing her arms, looking at me expectantly.

"Let me see your stomach." I said. There was no room for argument, I was checking on her.

Clary looked slightly uncomfortable at the thought, but nonetheless she pulled up her shirt enough that I could be sure there were none that were too recent.

Content with that I checked the time. It was eight. "Do you want me to go get something for us to eat?" I asked. I was just doing that to be polite, she was eating something if I was here.

"No, I'm fine."

"Okay, I'll be back in like ten minutes." I informed her.

"Where are you going?" Her face was scrunched up in confusion and her head tilted at an angle.

"I'll be back." I walked over to her, gave her a quick hug, and left, leaving her to stand there in her living room in confusion.

* * *

I drove to McDonalds because it was the closest to her house. I got two cheeseburgers, one for her one for me, and some French fries.

When I got back to her house I knocked on her door. The bag of food behind my back.

She opened the door to let me in and walked to sit on the couch without even looking to see if I was coming inside or not.

I shut the door behind me, and walked over to join her on the couch. I pulled out the bag of food, handing her a cheeseburger, "You're going to eat it Clary." I told her with authority.

She looked at me, "I'm not hungry Jace."

"I don't care whether you're hungry or not. You're going to eat."

She rolled her eyes at me. "Whatever." Was her muttered response.

We ate in silence sitting on the couch. Clary took her time eating, but she did eat all of it. I smiled a little to myself knowing that I was able to get her to eat. When we were done eating it was almost nine.

Clary yawned picking up our trash to throw it away. I sat on the couch watching her. I don't want to leave her again for her to go back to cutting her wrist the possibility of her killing herself. That's what happened to my mom. She slit her wrists and bled out.

"When are you leaving?" Clary's quiet voice startled me out of my thoughts. She was standing in front of me with her arms hanging limply by her sides.

"I'm not." I bent down to start taking off my shoes.

"What do you mean you're not leaving?" She asked incredulous.

"Last time I left you cut yourself. I'm not leaving you again." I informed her.

I had finished taking off my shoes and laid down on the couch to show her I had no intentions of leaving.

She huffed and crossed her arms scowling at me, "You have to leave Jace."

"No I don't."

"Oh my God! Why won't you just leave?"

"I already told you. I'm not leaving. I'll sleep here on the couch and you can go sleep in your bedroom." I reasoned with her.

"Fine." She walked off to her room, I'm assuming as I lay down on the couch.

I'm not really sure where she keeps her razors, or scissors, or whatever she uses to cut herself. I'll probably go check on her in a little bit just to make sure she's okay. She could keep them in her room, bathroom, and kitchen, anywhere.

I'll just make sure to check on her. I'm not going to let anything happen to her.

* * *

CPOV

I don't know why I told Jace he could help me. I guess it's because he looked so hopeful and I couldn't really crush him.

Sighing I walked over and lay down on my bed. I grabbed my iPod off of my nightstand by my bed and started listening to music.

_When you were standing in the wake of devastation_

_When you were waiting on the edge of the unknown_

_And with the cataclysm raining down_

_Insides crying, "Save me now!"_

_You were there, impossibly alone_

I've felt alone for a while since Simon died. It's hard to not feel alone when you've lost someone that you were so close to. It's like losing your favorite sibling, or grandparent, or family member that you were really close with. It's hard to not feel empty without him.

_Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?_

_You build up hope, but failure's all you've known_

_Remember all the sadness and frustration_

_And let it go. Let it go_

_And in a burst of light that blinded every angel_

_As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars_

_You felt the gravity of tempered grace_

_Falling into empty space_

_No one there to catch you in their arms_

Hope is weird. I learned to stop holding onto hope a long time ago. Hope that my mom would come back, hope that Simon would live, hope that Valentine would love me. I don't understand how people can continuously open their hearts up when they get hurt. It sucks to be hurt by people and I don't understand why people would let it go.

_Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?_

_You build up hope, but failure's all you've known_

_Remember all the sadness and frustration_

_And let it go. Let it go_

_Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?_

_You build up hope, but failure's all you've known_

_Remember all the sadness and frustration_

_And let it go. Let it go_

_Let it go_

_Let it go_

_Let it go_

_Let it go_

_Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?_

_You build up hope, but failure's all you've known_

_Remember all the sadness and frustration_

_And let it go. Let it go_

Why anyone would let go of the pain and move on from something I don't know.

If something hurt you why would you give them another chance? Or give that thing another chance?

It's so easy to get our hopes up. I continued to muse these thoughts as the next song came on.

_Perfect by nature._

_Icons of self-indulgence._

_Just what we all need,_

_More lies about a world that..._

_...never was and never will be._

_Have you no shame? Don't you see me?_

_You know you've got everybody fooled._

That's another thing we get our hopes up about. We hope to look like those people on TV and in ads, with their prefect bodies, and perfect hair, and perfect faces.

_Look, here she comes now._

_Bow down and stare in wonder._

_Oh, how we love you._

_No flaws when you're pretending._

We love the things we can't be, and we're not good enough. It's so easy to be perfect when somebody makes you perfect. We can't be perfect in real life though.

_But now I know she..._

_...never was and never will be._

_You don't know how you've betrayed me._

_And somehow you've got everybody fooled._

_Without the mask, where will you hide?_

_Can't find yourself lost in your lie._

_I know the truth now,_

_I know who you are,_

_And I don't love you anymore._

_It never was and never will be._

_You don't know how you've betrayed me._

_And somehow you've got everybody fooled._

_never was and never will be._

_You're not real and you can't save me._

_Somehow now you're everybody's fool._

I don't know why we all believe that what we see is perfect. They're not perfect. I don't' know why we try to be like them. I don't know why we try to be the person everyone wants us to be. It's stupid. We try so hard to change ourselves to please others. We try our hardest to be perfect which will never happen.

Sometimes no matter what we do we can please anyone. We disappoint our parents. We're never good enough.

We only fuck things up. I'm never good enough for Valentine. I wasn't good enough for my mom.

Slowly tears started to fall down my face. I rolled over onto my side with my back facing the door.

JPOV

After about an hour Clary had been pretty quiet and I decided that I was going to go check on her.

I silently got up off the couch and made my way to her room. I found it pretty easily.

Slowly and quietly I opened her door. There were no lights on and Clary was laying on her side, with her back towards me. She was on top of her covers.

I walked over to her bed to check her arms. I thought she was asleep until I got over in front of her.

She had her eyes closed and there were tears running down her face. She hadn't seen me.

I walked to the other side of her bed and lay down. I scooted up behind her and realized she was listening to music.

I tentatively wrapped my arm around her waist slowly. I felt her stiffen immediately and she sat up, pulling out her ear buds.

"What are you doing in here?" She hissed wiping her face off and sniffling.

"I just wanted to check on you." I told her. I sat up too.

"Well, I'm fine. See." She held her arms out to me.

I didn't bother to look at them, it was too dark, plus she's wasn't fine if she's crying. "What's wrong Clare?"

"Nothing."

"You said you'd let me help you." I pointed out to her softly.

"I'm just tired."

"Clary, you can't just shut me out. I want to help you."

"I told you I don't want help." She lay back down on her side facing away from me.

I sighed and lay down on my side behind her. I wrapped my arms around her waist again.

"Jace, what are you doing?" She asked quietly.

"I'm making sure, you stay okay." I answered just as softly. "Go to sleep, Clary."

She mumbled something incoherent, and fell asleep a few minutes later. Her breathing being evened out; I kissed her head, and fell asleep myself.

* * *

**Well, I hope you guys like this chapter. Sorry my creative juices died a little bit, and I got busy.  
The songs were Iridescent by Linkin Park, and Everybody's Fool by Evanescence. **


	14. Chapter 14

JPOV

Slowly, I wake up. I start sitting up when I realize that Clary's head is on my chest; she has one of her arms draped across my torso. I smile to myself; she looks so peaceful and calm, with no worries in the world, while she's asleep. Both my arms are wrapped around her small body.

I look over at her clock to see that it is only six in the morning. I sigh inwardly, damn the internal alarm clock that school has instilled in me. I start rubbing my hand up and down Clary's arm. I wish she didn't cut. It's not a good thing for her to do, but I'm going to help her get past this.

I can't believe that she started doing this and nobody noticed it. That's no exception to me either because, hell, I didn't notice that she was cutting either. I can't really blame others for not noticing when I didn't either. It shocked me, honestly. I wasn't expecting Clary; sweet, innocent, little Clary, to do that to herself.

It's a dangerous game to play. That scale that can tip of if she cuts to much she'll suffer blood loss and die, or she can cut enough to help soothe her. I don't want her to die because she suffered to much blood loss. She could even commit suicide, intentionally cutting so she'll lose to much blood.

At that thought I tightened my grip on her and she shifted a little in her sleep. I loosened my grip, continuing to run my hand up and down her arm.

At some point I drift off into a light doze while rubbing Clary's arm.

* * *

I wake up once again a few hours later. When I look at the clock this time it is now eight.

Clary begins to stir in my arms and I look down at her. Ever so slowly she opens her eyes. Once she realizes her head is on my chest she pushes off of me immediately, her face heating up in embarrassment.

Now she's sitting cross legged on her bed glaring at me. I raise an eyebrow at her, "What did I do?" I put my hands up in the air in the "I surrender position" even though I did nothing.

"Why are you in here?" She asked skeptically, arms crossed over her chest, eyebrows raised, eyes narrowed.

Did she really not remember last night? "I came in here to check on you last night, don't you remember?" Surely she remembered.

"No, I was tired."

"Well, I decided I wanted to check on you and you were crying, so I laid down with you and we both fell asleep." I told her honestly.

She still looked skeptical but shrugged her shoulders, "Whatever." She grumbled.

She started to stand up and I grabbed her arm, I guess a bit too hard because she winced and I immediately loosened my grip, "Where are you going?"

"To take a shower." She told me in a 'duh' tone of voice.

I let go of her arm, and she grabbed her clothes without another word leaving me alone in her room.

Well since she's in the shower it wouldn't be such a bad idea if I went and made us some breakfast. I got up out of her bed and walked towards the kitchen.

I look in her cupboards, fridge, and freezer. After looking in the freezer I see a box of Eggo waffles. I pull the box out, grab two, and stick them in the toaster.

They pop out and I grab some paper plates to put them on. Now that they're cooling off I go on a hunt for maple syrup. I find it, along with some forks, and set them down on the counter with the plates.

Clary comes out a few minutes later in a pair of light jeans and a green short sleeve short, I'm assuming, because she's also wearing her black jacket. Her wet hair is thrown up in a messy bun. She looks beautiful.

"Hey." I smile at her, and she just looks at me blankly, "I made us some waffles. I didn't know if you liked maple syrup or not."

She stares at me for another minute before sighing, "Yes I'll have a little syrup thank you." Her voice is always so quiet!

"You're welcome." I say when she's standing next to me, pouring a little syrup onto her waffle.

I do the same with mine and we take our plates to the table and eat in silence.

Once we've both finished I grab her plate and mine throwing them both away.

"Are you ready to go back to school?" I ask her curiously while walking back into the kitchen. She's still sitting where I left her with her head looking downwards.

"Eh, I guess." She answers tiredly.

"It'll be fun." I bump her shoulder playfully.

She stands up from the table, and just looks at me again. I don't know what the deal with this is…

Slowly she walks into the living room and sits down on the edge of the couch.

"You want to go out and do something?" I ask her walking over to where she's sitting.

"Not really." She answers shortly.

I don't know why she's not talking to me. It's like Clary is shutting me out again, and I don't want to do this again. I can't let my temper get the better of me I remind myself. Taking a calming breath I decide to ask her why she's not talking, "Why are you being so quite?" I sit down next to her draping an arm behind her on the back of the couch.

"I just have a headache; I usually get one when I cry myself to sleep, or if I'm crying a lot before I fall asleep. My throat also just gets a little sore from crying too." She leans back into my arm slightly.

"Do you want me to get you some Motrin or Advil?" I ask her.

"No, I'm fine." Her eyes flutter close and she sighs.

"Do you want to sleep for a little bit?" I ask, unsure of what to do.

"Jace?" She asks in a sugary sweet voice.

"Hmmm?" I hum back to her.

"Shut the hell up." Clary demands.

I try to stifle my laughter, but end up chuckling anyways.

"Well aren't you sweet." I tease.

She opens her eyes and glares at me, "When do you ever shut up?" She asks sounding annoyed.

"When I cuddle." I tell her somberly with a serious face.

"Oh my God, no!" She yells at me groaning afterwards.

"Aww, why not Cwary?" I ask her childishly.

"I don't want to cuddle with you Jace."

"You did last night." I smirk at her raising my eyebrows at suggestively.

"Hey, Jace?"

"Yes?"

"You want to leave?" She snaps at me. Her eyes are narrowed at me and she's scooted forward so she's not leaned into the couch.

"Hey, Clary?" I ask in the same tone she used.

"What?" She snapped again.

"You want to cuddle?" I ask her. She continues to glare at me and I just grin.

She opens her mouth to respond, but before she can I pick her up and carry her to her bedroom. I gently set Clary down on her bed on her back, and crawl on next to her.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, Jace?" She questions softly laying above the bedding.

"I want to cuddle." I said in a whiny voice as I got under the bedding. "You want to sleep, so I'll just lay here and cuddle you while you sleep." I informed her smiling.

She rolled her eyes and huffed. "You're such a freaking child Jace." She chided me; however, she did get under the bedding with me lying on her side. She didn't move over to me, just stayed where she was. She tucked one arm under her head and the other lay over her stomach.

I rolled my eyes and smiled at her back. I scooted closer to her and laid one hand over hers that was on her stomach. I put my hand on top of hers and intertwined my fingers with hers.

She sucked in a sharp breath, "Jace." She said in a warning tone.

"Shh, just go to sleep." I told her softly playing with her hair using my other hand.

A little bit later, I'm not sure how long, her breaths evened out and she fell asleep. I kissed the top of her head gently.

I'm really enjoying being able to be close to Clary. I don't know why. I snuggled into Clary more letting out a sigh of content, closing my eyes.

CPOV

When I wake up my headache is gone. I turn my head slightly to look at Jace. I pick my head up to see him a little better. He still has his hand in mine, and he's pressed closer to me now than when I fell asleep. Instead of being awake now though, Jace is asleep.

I roll my eyes, but smile slightly. _No, don't let yourself go there. _I shake my head vigorously.

I lay my head back down on my pillow and wait for Jace to wake up. I think I stay that way for about half an hour before I roll over and shove him. I got tired of waiting for him to get up.

Jace almost falls off the bed, but wakes up before he can completely fall and catches himself. I start laughing at him silently.

"What the hell!" Jace yelled looking at me.

"I was waiting for your tired ass to wake up." I told him repeating what he said to me not so long ago. I smirked at him.

He looked at me for a moment. Then he sat up in front of me putting his hand on my cheek gently, "Are you feeling better now Clare?" He asked me sounding sincere.

Where the hell did that come from? He was just yelling at me, and now he's caring again? I narrowed my eyes at him for a second.

I shrugged, "I don't have a headache anymore." I gave him a small forced smile.

"That's good." His eyes were staring at me, but I couldn't bring myself to meet his gaze. He hesitantly started to brush his thumb back and forth lightly on my cheek bone.

Slowly he started leaning in towards me, he closed his eyes the closer he got, and my breathing hitched. I bolted off the bed and turned away from him.

I heard the bed move as Jace got out of it; I didn't want to look at him though. He walked up so he was standing right behind me. I could feel his body heat radiating off of him once he was close to me, "Clary, I-"

"Don't." I cut him off sharply folding my arms over my chest.

"I'm-"

"Once again Jace: 'Shut the hell up'" I told him.

He sighed and started to wrap his arms around my waist. I carefully moved out of them and turned to face him, "Why don't you just go?" I said harshly. He was getting to close and I couldn't take this. I don't want to be close to Jace or anyone else.

He's just too close.

"I just wasn't thinking straight Clary. I didn't mean to try and make a move on you, I'm sorry." He apologized.

When I looked at him closely he looked pretty upset about this. I shook my head again. He can't get to close; this is all just a joke or a sympathy act. Jace is one of the biggest players at school and he just wants to use me. I can't do this now. I can't do it.

"I just need to think right now." I say quietly to him.

"I'm sorry, Clary." He mumbled.

"I'll see you Monday." I just need time alone, so I can think.

He looked at me and then nodded. He walked up to me wrapping his arms around me in a hug, I just stood there, and then he kissed the top of my head and left without another word.

* * *

**What do you guys think of this chapter?  
I probably won't be able to update as much this week because I have pre-season start on the twenty-ninth. I'll try to update at least every other day.**

**Again sorry for the long ass wait for that last chapter, I just couldn't write and things started to get busy.**

**Also, I wrote this at like five in the morning without going to sleep, so I apologize if it sucks. I couldn't sleep, so I wrote and here it is...**


	15. Chapter 15

CPOV

I don't know what the hell Jace was playing at. I don't know why he feels the need to mess with my head. Why is he able to mess with my head? Nobody else has been able to mess with my head.

I walked over and lay on my back on top of my bed. I folded my arms over my head sighing.

Why is Jace doing this? Why the hell does he suddenly care? Nobody else has even bothered to notice or care, so I don't understand why he suddenly does.

This is stupid. I don't know why I'm even thinking about it, I don't know why I'm _feeling_ anything about it. Feelings get you nowhere, but trouble. They just get in your way and distract you. It's pointless and gets you hurt.

Isabelle doesn't notice that anything's wrong with me, the school doesn't notice anything wrong with me, Valentine doesn't notice anything wrong with me.

I wonder when he's coming home, probably any time soon. I need to talk to him about something.

* * *

I rode the bus to school today. Once I arrived I headed straight to English; not wanting to see Jace or Isabelle, and also wanting to go ahead and find out what I missed while I was gone.

I pulled down my jacket sleeves while entering my English class.

I walked in and headed straight towards Mrs. Linam's desk.

"Um, hi, Mrs. Linam?" I asked

She looked up at me, she was writing something in a notebook.

"Hi Ms. Fray?"

"What assignments did I miss while I was out? I was absent Thursday and Friday." When she started looking for what I missed I rolled my eyes. It's not unusual for teachers to not pay attention to when we're gone.

"You have a few chapters to catch up on, a small writing assignment over what the chapters you've read are over, and you have a small test to take." She informed me.

I forced a smile, "May I just go ahead and take the test I missed, or do I have to read my chapters to take it."

"No, you don't. You can go ahead and take it now, it won't take you long."

I took my test from her and headed to my seat. It was just some questions over the first five chapters. Oh my God, this is so fucking stupid. I finished before the bell even rang.

After finishing my test I walked back up to Mrs. Linam's desk, "Here you go ma'am, I finished my test." I told her politely smiling a small smile.

After she took my test from me I went back to my seat to wait for class to start.

I didn't want to start reading my chapters I had to make-up because I hate it when I get interrupted while reading, so I'll just wait until Study Hall.

A few minutes later all the kids started coming to class. A few of the kids glanced at me, but nobody would make eye contact with me. I heard some of the things they were saying.

"What the hell is she doing here?"

"Ugh the bitch is back."

"She looks as cold hearted as ever."

I tuned them out not really caring. The few I caught glancing at me I would put an overly sweet smile on my face and flip them off, rolling my eyes afterwards.

Mrs. Linam droned on about our book and I tuned her out just waiting for this stupid class to be over. It's not that I hated English, I was just really good at it, and didn't need to try. How conceited am I, right? Well I don't give a shit, I don't need to try to get good grades in this class, I don't care how conceited that makes me sound.

Eventually the bell rang signaling the end of class. I got up and grabbed my bag leaving. Someone stuck their foot out to trip me, but I caught myself before I fell.

I turned around to glare at a boy with blonde hair, tan skin, and brown eyes. He was snickering with a friend of his. I glared at them and left.

I quickly walked to the P.E. gym ignoring the people around me.

Once in the gym I remember what Izzy was telling me about liking Sebastian. I threw my bag on the floor and waited for the coach to come and tell us that we were going out to the track. I'll talk to Sebastian then when we're outside.

As the kids came into P.E. they all circled up with their friends and started talking. I noticed Sebastian walk in right before the final bell rang. I rolled my eyes typical pop.

"Alright, kids! Go to the track and walk four laps!" Coach Williams yelled at us.

I rolled my eyes. Just as I suspected we're out on the track.

I slowly walked out there looking around for Sebastian. I didn't see him, so I just walked the track alone waiting to see if he would catch up to me.

I was right because he did catch up with me not to long after I was walking.

"Hey, Clary!" He yelled running to catch up to me.

"Yes, Sebastian?" I asked looking over at him. This was Isabelle's new crush. I guess I should probably be nice.

"You okay? You missed the last two days." He said.

_No shit. _I thought. "Yes, I'm fine." I said forcing a small smile to play on my lips. "How are you?"

We continued walking while we talked, "I'm good thank you. You're friends with Isabelle, yeah?" He asked cocking an eyebrow at me.

What the fuck? Why can everyone do that, but me! Damn. "Huh? Oh, yeah, I am. Why?"

"Does she like me?" He said suddenly stopping.

I continued walking, "Why don't you just ask her and find out yourself?" Realizing I wasn't going to stop walking like he was he jogged to catch back up with me.

"You think I should?" He asked nervously.

Oh my God, I was internally face palming myself this is so stupid, "Don't be that pansy ass who won't ask a girl out. Just go do it. You're a popular guy, you're a fine person, I'm sure she'll say yes." I snapped.

"Okay, I will. Thanks Clary!" He yelled running away to catch up to his friends seemingly unfazed by my snapping. _Whatever._

I don't see why Isabelle likes him, but the more focus she has on her love life the less focus she has on me in general. It's honestly better this way. Besides dating would be good for her I guess.

I finally finished my fourth lap and went back into the P.E. building to grab my stuff. I waited for the bell to ring as everyone came inside making a ruckus. I rolled my eyes at them, they're so stupid.

"Hey Ginger! What's your problem over there!" Some kid taunted me. People like to push my temper to see how much they have to push; luckily though the bell rang, so I could leave without having to respond to his stupid, idiotic, teasing.

Study Hall went by uneventfully, just me catching up on my reading in English and writing my essay.

When I got into math Isabelle was looking at me expectantly. Sighing I walked over to my seat, dropping my bag.

"Well?" She asked leaning closer to me.

I looked at her raising my eyebrows at her, "Sebastian likes you, but is too much of a pansy ass to ask you out. I told him he should just do it because there is no way that you could say no." Iz opened her mouth probably to yell profanities at me for "telling Sebastian she likes him" so I quickly continued before she could say anything, "No I did _not_ tell him that you like him."

She closed her mouth looking satisfied. "Thank you so much, Clary!" She squealed hugging me.

I stiffened up a little before wrapping my arms back around her. "Yeah, yeah, whatever." I grumbled.

"Clarissa Fray, come here please." Our teacher Mr. Efurd called. Once I got to the front of the class he said, "Here's your make-up work Ms. Fray, since you missed two days I expect you to be able to have it done in two." He handed me two sheets of homework.

"Yes sir." I turned around and walked back to my seat.

"Oh my God, I thought you were in trouble!" Iz snickered at me.

"And whose fault would it have been if I was?" I retorted narrowing my eyes at her.

"You're talking too!" She yelled louder than I think she intended. The class turned to look at us and Mr. Efurd scowled.

"Ladies I would like you both to sit in the hall until class is over if you wish to run your mouths while I am speaking."

"Whatever." I muttered under my breath.

"Hah. We pissed him off." Isabelle said smirking at me. "High-fucking-five! First day of the week and we didn't last twenty minutes!"

I rolled my eyes, but high-fived her never the less.

Once we were seated in the hall with the door closed we started talking again. "Why do you like Sebastian?" I asked her curiously.

"He's super-hot, and nice, and popular." I rolled my eyes of course that was her reason.

"So we're going on this double date, you with Jace since you don't like anyone else, and it'll be perfect. I can do your hair and make-up and dress you!" I groaned as she spoke hitting my head against the door a few times.

"Is there a problem out here?" Mr. Efurd asked suddenly flinging the door open.

"No sir." I told him.

He rolled his eyes and went back into the classroom.

"Do you want me to leave you alone at lunch so Sebastian can talk to you?" I asked Iz.

She bit her lip and clasped her hands together, "Would you mind?"

"No of course not; I'll find somewhere else to sit." I shrugged.

"Thank you!" She yelled hugging me. I hugged back.

After that we lapsed into a comfortable silence until the bell rang dismissing us for lunch.

Izzy went to go get lunch and sit at our table. I sighed looking around for somewhere to sit. I finally found a table that was empty in the back of the cafeteria. I silently made my way over there going unnoticed.

I sat there watching Sebastian and Izzy talking. Izzy was laughing at something Sebastian said as he leaned across the table, leaning towards her.

I was so focused on them I didn't notice Jace slip into the seat next to me until he tapped my shoulder and said, "Hey Clare."

"Hi" I said absent mindedly not looking at him. "Looks like we _are _going on that date sometime." I told him nodding my head towards Seb and Izzy.

All of a sudden Jace banged his head on the table making me jump in alarm. "What Jace? You seemed just fine taunting me about this double date this weekend I'm not that bad!" I said getting mad.

"Why _him?"_ He asked me with an incredulous look on his face.

"What you don't like Sebastian?" I looked over at him and he was glaring at Seb.

"No he's a total player!" He yelled at me.

"So are you." I retorted immediately.

His face fell as he looked at me. "You think I'm a player?" He asked his voice suddenly now a lot quieter.

"How many girls have you stringed along?" I snapped at him. "How many girls did you sleep with and leave the next day?" I slapped my hands on the table making him jump. I don't know why I was so angry all of a sudden, "You're a complete player Jace! You don't like anyone, you just use girls!" I yelled at him.

"I haven't been going out with anymore girls though." He said quietly.

"Because you want me to be your next victim!" I shout again.

"Victim sounds harsh doesn't it?" He asked.

"I don't give a damn what you find harsh Jace! It's the freaking truth no matter how you look at it!" I walked away from him leaving the cafeteria.

It's better to just walk away. Maybe he'll get the message that I'm just fine on my own and don't need his help. I'm not weak and he should realize this. I'm not an insolent child that can't care for themselves.

I cannot believe him! He doesn't even realize he's a man whore. Gah! I'm tired of his ignorance to what he does.

I turned to the locker nearest to me and punched it as hard as I could. That calmed me down a little bit so I did that three or four more times. Oddly enough the locker didn't dent, but I did manage to split my knuckles and bruise them.

Sighing I slid down the locker waiting for the next bell to ring, so I could go.

* * *

JPOV

After Clary left I banged my head on the table again. Dammit! This is the second time that I have screwed this up with her.

I'm not going to lie, it did hurt a little to know she thinks so lowly of me. I mean I guess she's kind of right. I _was_ a player, but I stopped stringing girls along because I _like_ her.

I groaned and picked my head up off the table. I really need to fix this. I'm just going to have to be her friend until she realizes that I'm not a player.

Sighing I threw away my lunch and went into the hall to look for Clary.

I don't understand why she always runs away from her problems. It's not like running away has ever helped anyone in the past. She needs to just face her problems head on.

She avoids that by cutting. When she cuts It is her way of pushing away the problem to deal with it later. She's not dealing wither her depression correctly.

I guess there's technically nothing wrong with cutting because you're not hurting anyone else. It's a way a lot of people handle things. Cutting can go too far though. When you slit your wrists and kill yourself that is too far. My mom did that and I'm not sure I can forgive her for leaving me.

I was upset when that happened. I remember my dad being in a car crash and my mom got depressed. I didn't know how to feel about it. Later on my mom decided she couldn't take it anymore and cut her wrists leaving me to fend for myself. _Coward. _

I guess that's why I'm so worried about Clary. I don't want her to leave me too. I don't want her to cut too much and then bleed out. I want to help her. I want her to be able to talk to me without my having to push her to do so.

I want to see that lively spark in her eyes that has faded since Simon died. I may never get to now though because I just had to make a fucking move on her and scare her away!

I was about to hit my head on a locker when I heard someone else hitting a locker. I looked around and saw Clary standing in front of a locker punching it. After a few times she turned around pushing her back into the locker, sliding down to the floor.

She had her knees up in front of her, and her hands were loosely hanging off of her knees. She was biting her lip and staring in front of her.

Slowly I walked over to sit beside her. She didn't notice me. I wrapped my right arm around her shoulders and pulled her head down to rest on me.

She looked up at me, but didn't say anything. Just went back to staring at the lockers across from us.

I wish I could explain to her that I know how she feels. I understand what it's like to be numb and hide in a shell away from everyone else.

When my parents died I didn't want to talk to anyone either. I became numb just like her. I shut everyone out and started pushing people away. I know that's what she's doing. I know that when she yells at me she's just trying to push me away.

I'm not going to let her though. I'm here to stay and there's nothing that she's going to be able to do about it.

I lay my head on top of hers and we sit like that in the hall for a few minutes, not saying anything to each other.

"Is your hand okay?" I ask after a few minutes.

She just nods her head a little bit.

I grab her hand with mine to look at it. Bruises are starting to form on her knuckles and they're all red, but other than that she looks fine.

Instead of dropping her hand I continue to hold it, waiting for her to say something.

At first I think she's going to try and pull her hand away, but she doesn't. She just continues to stare at the lockers.

I'm assuming that she's feeling numb. After an outburst of anger, she's wondering why she was mad, and now she's just numb to it all. Impassive and uncaring.

Our finger entwined, I start rubbing small circles across her knuckles. I look down at our hands. Hers is so small and delicate and pale looking in my big tan one. I've noticed that her hand is really soft.

She doesn't say sorry, and I don't expect her too. She never says and thank you and I don't suspect she will. That's the thing about being numb, you don't really notice what others do for you. You just know that someone's there and that's it. You don't feel the pain that is boiling inside waiting for you to feel it.

You just feel empty, like a shell.

She sits there staring blankly at the wall of lockers. I sit there holding her hand with my head rested on top of hers. Neither one of us saying anything.

* * *

**Here it is, Chapter 15. Pre-season starts tomorrow and it continues on for the rest of the week, so I probably won't update much. I can garuntee you that I won't update Wednesday. I'll try to Thursday and Friday, but Saturday I more than likely definitely will.**

**What are you guys thinking about the story so far? I'd love to hear your thoughts on it!**


	16. Chapter 16

CPOV

After lunch I have music class, so once the bell rang I stood up leaving Jace, and that's how I am now sitting in my music class listening to my teacher talk about some assignment we had.

We were supposed to sing a song in front of the whole class, or something. I wasn't really paying attention. If we were good enough we'd be put into the talent show or some shit like that.

Sighing I stared out the window to the outside. It looked like a nice day outside. The sun was shining and there was a slight breeze. The sky was a beautiful blue.

"Ms. Fray?" I was pulled out of my thoughts by Mr. Hunt calling my name.

"Yes sir?" I responded focusing my gaze on him. The kids in my class were staring at me.

"Did you hear anything I just said Ms. Fray?" His arms were crossed across his chest and he had an eyebrow raised at me. He was one of those teachers who really preferred not repeating themselves and got frustrated easily.

"I did Mr. Hunt. You said that we were going to have to perform a song in front of the class, and if we were good enough you'd put us in the talent show." I answered quickly.

He looked at me for a second longer still looking skeptical. He then gave me a curt nod, "Good, now if you would keep your focus on the front of the class."

As soon as his back was facing me I rolled my eyes. I don't have to look at him to be able to listen. That's the thing a lot of teachers don't understand is that we don't have to look at them to be able to hear them.

He continued to tell us that our song will have to be prepared by Friday. We'll be starting our songs on Friday and it will continue until either Monday or Tuesday. It just all depended on the length of the songs. We didn't really have a big music class this period. Maybe twenty, twenty-five kids tops.

The class could not have ended faster. Once it was over I bolted out of the door running into Izzy as she was walking to her next class.

"Woah there Clare, where's the fire?" She asked raising a brow and smirking.

I rolled my eyes, "That class can be so boring." I complained dragging out the 'o' in so.

Isabelle just laughed walking in the same direction as me. We were both heading towards the science hall, but we had different teachers.

"Well, I must tell you, we're going on a double date!" Izzy exclaimed her face lighting up in excitement while her face broke out in a grin.

"Oh gee great." I replied as unenthusiastically as I possibly could, rolling my eyes.

"Oh don't be such a stick in the mud." She complained, "I can get you ready and then Jace is going to fall in love with you and you're going to have his little strawberry blonde haired babies!" She yelled excitedly making a bunch of hand motions as she did so.

"No." Was my simple answer to that.

"No?" She asked confused.

"I refuse to have his children or fall in love with that player." The idea of Jace and I falling in love is preposterous.

"But-"

"No buts." I cut her off waving my hand dismissively.

Izzy looked like she was going to say something else, but we were nearing our classes. "I'll see you later." I scurried to my class avoiding the rest of our conversation.

Science and History were both pretty uneventful classes. I just got my makeup work and listened to them lecture us about something or other.

Once class was over I walked outside with the rest of the students. I didn't feel like riding with Izzy today because I knew she would just bring up the subject of our double date all the way to my home.

I didn't want to ride the bus either and listen to all those little kids gossiping about who liked who. I guess I'll just walk home. That won't take forever or anything.

I had only walked for about five minutes when Jace's car pulled up beside me.

"Get in Red." He called.

"No thanks. I'd prefer to walk thank you." I informed him curtly.

"Come on it'll take your forever to walk home. It'll be much faster if I just drive you."

I stopped walking and looked over at him, "Why?"

"I'm your friend, and friend's help each other out do they not?" He reasoned with me while stopping his car.

I sighed walking to the passenger side of his car and getting in.

"See it wasn't that hard now was it?" He teased me, starting to drive again.

"I think it killed me Jace." I said sarcastically.

"Well you look pretty good for a dead person." He said turning to look at me so he could raise his eyebrows at me, looking me up and down.

"Oh my God, Jace." I said feeling my cheeks warm.

"I knew my good looks and charm affected you." He said smugly.

I just hit my head on his window.

He reached out and wrapped his hand around my arm pulling me away from the window, "Hey now don't do that. You can't get your face print on my window." He said laughing.

I just smiled and said, "Well too bad."

"What am I going to do with you Clary?" He asked looking at me. His hand was still on my arm so I swatted at it.

"You're going to get your hand off me." I told him swatting him again.

He just chuckled, "What if I don't want to?"

"Why would you not?" I asked furrowing my eyebrows in confusion at him.

"Hmmm, well maybe I'd want to do this." He said dropping his hand on top of mine.

"Oh no Jace." I said quickly retracting my hand from his.

He just simply took his hand back without looking at me.

We sat in a slightly awkward silence after that until we finally arrived home. I noticed a car parked in the driveway and realized Valentine must be home.

Jace stopped the car once we were in my driveway, looking like he was about to get out. I put my hand on his arm to stop him.

"You can't come in right now. Valentine just got home." I said pointing towards his car.

He tilted his head a little while he looked at me, "Why do you call Valentine by his name instead of dad."

I just shrugged. I don't really consider Valentine my dad; I think a dad would be a little more caring towards his daughter than he was. Sometimes though I wish he was worse.

Is that bad of me? To wish that sometimes he'd actually hit me. I guess I'm just looking for another reason to hate myself. His mental insults don't really feel that need of pain I want.

"Thanks for the ride Jace." I said getting out of his car.

"Yeah sure, see you tomorrow." He started his car and drove away.

Once I couldn't see him anymore I headed into the house.

When I got into the house I could smell liquor. Valentine was probably drunk. When he was drunk was when he told me the truth of what he thought about me.

I started walking to my room unsure of where Valentine was. As I passed through the living room I noticed him slouched on the couch staring at the TV which was off.

I silently went into my room to set my bag down, then walked just as silently back into the kitchen to make something for dinner.

I'm not really sure what to make. We don't have too much food, and I also don't feel like cooking at the moment.

I just decided on heating him up some chicken noddle soup. Once it was done cooking I took the bowl into the living giving it to him.

"Valentine, I have your dinner." I said quietly holding his bowl out to him.

He grunted and took it from me.

"Clary take a seat." He said coldly.

I did as told, and sat down in the chair by the couch.

"You know what I don't like about you Clary?" It was a rhetorical question. No matter my answer he's going to tell me anyways, "You look so much like Jocelyn. That bitch. You and she are a lot alike Clary. She left me and was no good. You're no good. You're a pretty useless bitch too."

I just nodded silently listening to what he had to say.

"You're pathetic. You can't leave me though like she did. You can't make it out there on your own because you're weak and nobody would help you. You're an ugly, fatass, shithole." He continued on with his bashing.

He's right. I am pretty useless and I'm not good for anybody. Nobody needs me. I often wonder why I don't just kill myself and get this over with. Nobody would miss me or mourn my death.

Once Valentine had finished his bashing I asked him something. "Valentine?" I said quietly my head lowered to the ground.

"What is it, bitch?" He asked sounding uninterested in whatever I could have to say.

"I was wondering if you could get me some weight loss pills." His head snapped up immediately, "See people at school are wondering why I haven't been eating and I figured it would be easier to just take pills than not eat." I hurried to explain.

He nodded his head, "Fine. I'll go get you some weight loss pills tomorrow."

"Thank you sir." I said standing up and going to my bedroom.

I laid on my back staring up at the celling wondering what song I should sing for the class Friday. There were a lot of good songs, but I'm not sure which one I want to sing. I could choose so many.

My mind started wandering from that subject though. I was just having issues staying focused on any subject. I couldn't fully grasp anything.

Sighing I got out of bed, turned off my lights, got under the covers, and went to sleep.

* * *

**Sorry if this kinda sucks. I'm out of it. Haha. Preseason is wearing me out. My apologies if you completely hate this chapter and I understand. **


	17. Chapter 17

**Thursday, during sixth period; music**

CPOV

Sitting in my usual music seat I listened to Mr. Hunt explain to us a little bit more about our singing project. He kind of dropped it after he told us Monday, but I guess he's been having a lot of questions about it or something.

"You guys may work with another person. It's alright to have one of you sing and the other person play an instrument. If wish to use a partner from a different class you will have to stay after school. I refuse to allow you to come in before school to try out. I will also be taking off a little bit from the qualification of your performance because I will not have had the chance to see you perform in front of the class."

Mr. Hunt was facing was with a serious expression on his face. I don't understand why he's being so uptight about this. I find this to be a stupid assignment and as long as we perform we get our participation grade.

"Does anybody have any questions?" He asked, his gaze scanning over us all.

I don't understand why the teachers ask that question. Rarely do the students ask questions; only if they themselves raise their hands do they ask a question.

"Very well then," Mr. Hunt said clapping his hands together, "I expect you all to be prepared by tomorrow." He nodded his head as if agreeing with himself, _weirdo._ "I expect you all to tell me what song you're singing tomorrow whether you perform or not."

He looked at us all one more time before returning to his desk, "You all may now work on your assignment."

I still hadn't really been able to think properly enough to create a bunch of ideas or decide on anything.

Sighing, I pulled out a notebook from my bag that was sitting right next to my chair. Next I pulled out my pencil flipping to an empty page.

_Words- Skylar Grey_

_Coming Home- Skylar Grey_

_We Are Broken- Paramore_

_Numb- Linkin Park_

_Tourniquet- Evanescence_

_Broken- Seether ft. Amy Lee_

_Don't Stop Believing- Journey_

_Sweet As Whole- Sara Bareilles_

_Fairy Tale- Sara Bareilles_

_Firework- Katy Perry_

_Part Of Me- Katy Perry_

_Misery Business- Paramore _

_Burn- Ellie Goulding_

Satisfied that I had thought of enough songs that I could choose from later I flipped my notebook shut, shoving it back into my bag.

For the rest of the class I stared out the window getting lost in my thoughts.

I had to go on that stupid double date of Izzy's tomorrow after school. I hadn't really been talking to Jace this week, so I could only imagine how awkward it will be to go on a date with him.

Sure he tried talking to me, but I didn't want to talk to him. I wanted him to leave me alone. He is getting too close.

_Too close. _

The loud noise of the bell startled me from my thoughts causing me to jump. I grabbed my stuff and hurriedly went to seventh period.

* * *

Izzy offered me a ride home after school today and now I was sitting in the passenger seat of her car with her driving towards my house.

"So, what's going on with you and Jace?" She asked randomly, looking at me and raising one of her eyebrows.

"What do you mean?" I asked confusion written all over my face for sure.

"He's been asking me all week about how you've been doing. It's cute, but at the same time really fucking annoying! Then again Jace is always annoying." She shrugged her shoulders as if it was the most certain and unimportant thing in the world, "Why haven't you been talking to him?" She continued looking back towards.

I looked out my window, "I just haven't really felt like talking to him lately, like you said Jace is annoying." I told her shrugging my shoulders.

"Did he do something?" Her head snapped to me and the car swerved dangerously to the other lane.

"Izzy!" I yelled grabbing the steering wheel to turn us back over to our lane as she focused her attention back on the road.

"Sorry, but I'm serious, did he do something to you? I swear I'll kick his ass." She told me dead serious.

"No, it's fine." I said trying to calm her down.

"Are you sure?" She dutifully kept her gaze on the road this time.

"No ass kicking will be needed from you as of right now Izzy. It's alright, calm down." I said laughing softly at the end of my sentence.

"If you're sure." She trailed off giving me one more chance to change my mind.

"I'm sure Izzy, thank you." I said giving her a tight smile.

She simply nodded her head and kept staring at the road the rest of the way to my house.

Once we got there I thanked Izzy giving her a quick hug.

Before I got out she said, "Please call Jace, or accept his call if he calls you. Please for me?" She folded her hands in front of her face pouting her lips and giving me the puppy dog eyes.

She looked so adorable….

"Damn you, Izzy!" I yelled. "You know I can't resist that face. Fine I'll do it!" She laughed and then smirked at me.

"Thank you, babe." She said jokingly.

"Ah, just get the hell outta here." I said grinning.

"See you later Clare." She called waving her hand as she drove away.

I walked into my house shaking my head. I shut and locked the door behind me before heading to my bedroom.

I walked into the kitchen to see a note from Valentine.

_Clary,_

_I'm going to be out late tonight. Don't bother making dinner or waiting up for me. You're pills will be here tomorrow. They're with me right now. _

_ -Valentine_

Thank you dad, I thought silently. I'll be getting my pills so I'll be able to eat and not be that freak that can't eat anymore.

Smiling I walked back into my bedroom laying down on my back.

Not too long after I had laid down did my phone start ringing. I sighed. I knew he would call after what Isabelle said.

I didn't even bother checking the caller idea to check that it was him because I knew it was.

"Hey." I said quietly.

"Clary?" He asked softly.

"No shit, Einstein." I said rolling my eyes even though I knew he couldn't see me.

"Are you mad at me?" He completely ignored what I said to him.

"Nope." I popped the 'p' for emphasis.

"Then why haven't you been talking to me?" I feel like I've done something wrong." He sounded upset. _Weird._

"I just haven't felt like talking lately." I told him coolly, shrugging my shoulders. I don't know why I'm making movements with my body when he can't see me.

I heard Jace sigh through the phone, "Are you ready for our _date?" _ He asked me.

"It's not a date. You and I are helping your sister out." I said immediately.

"You're still going right?" He asked.

"Yeah, why wouldn't I?"

"You haven't been talking to me."

"Yes, I'm going."

"Okay, good."

"I'm going to sleep. I'll talk to you on our helping out Isabelle project." I told him abruptly. I didn't feel like talking anymore.

"Okay, goodnight Clary."

"Night Jace."

I was about to hang up when he said, "I'm excited for our date."

Before I could respond he hung up the phone. A small frown forms on my face and I mumble 'It's not a date' before setting my phone on the nightstand.

* * *

**Sorry it's a short chapter. I'm having a bad case of writers block and being brain dead because of preseason. I think I finally figured out how I'm going to make my chapters better again. Sorry this last two have been shitty. :/ I feel bad that you have to read it. Please forgive me and my crappy writers block.**


	18. Chapter 18

CPOV

When I went downstairs this morning there was a box on the table with a note stuck to it.

_Clary,_

_Here are your diet pills. You have to take one tablet before breakfast and one after dinner. You better not start gaining weight now, or you'll just go back to not eating._

_ -Valentine._

Rolling my eyes I opened the box. I took out a pill of Phen375 and got some breakfast. After taking the pill I ate an apple and went back upstairs to get ready.

I slipped on a pair of black skinny jeans, a purple tank top, my black jacket, and converse.

Once I brushed my teeth and hair I went outside to wait for the bus.

Before the bus arrived though, Jace showed up.

I kind of figured Jace would show up after the phone call yesterday. I was in a light mood today because I felt like I had one less secret that I had to hide.

I actually smiled when Jace pulled over and got in the car saying a quick hello while I buckled.

"What's got you in such a good mood today, Red?" Jace asked curiously looking at me.

"I just slept well last night is all." I said keeping my gaze on the windshield.

Jace looked me up and down before looking back out the road, "Can I see your arms?"

I scrunched my face up at him and tilted my head to the side confused. Did he really think that cutting made me happy? Well I mean I guess it did make me happy… in a way. It more so numbed me though. Shrugging I held out my arms.

"Here."

He glanced at me before looking at the road in front of us. "You have to roll your sleeves up, Clare."

Rolling my eyes I rolled my sleeves up and held my arms back out to him, "There."

He looked at my arms, not even glancing at my face, and he switched often between scrutinizing all the cuts on my arms to watching out the windshield at the road.

After he finished his evaluation he patted my head, "Good Clary."

I scowled at him, "I'm not a fucking dog Jace." I crossed my arms over my chest.

He just laughed taking his hand back and putting it on the steering wheel.

"Are you ready for our date?" He asked casting a quick glance at me.

"It's still not a date Jace." I said annoyance seeping into my voice.

"If I had asked you would you consider it a date?" He asked casting another sideways glance towards me raising an eyebrow.

"I would have said 'Hell no' if you had asked me Jace." I told him blatantly.

When I looked at him there was a little bit of hurt evident on his face which he quickly covered up before focusing on the road the rest of the way to school.

He didn't say anything to me when I got out of his car. He just looked at me before getting out himself and heading somewhere else.

Sighing I watched as he left and joined his group of friends. Almost as if he knew I was looking at him he turned around and looked back at me. He turned back to his friends after we locked eyes.

Sighing I started walking towards my first period class ignoring the students calling out to me with their "clever" insults.

I don't know why Jace is being so moody about this. It's not like he actually cares about me. He's a player and hooks up with everyone.

Maybe he just isn't used to facing rejection. Most girls are usually ready and very accepting when he makes a move on them.

He's just messing with my head is all he is doing. He's a flirt is all. He doesn't have feelings for girls. Jace has flings and then moves on quickly.

After reaching my first period class I went in and sat down ready to start another day of classes, dreading what later this evening would bring.

* * *

**Seventh Period.**

Mr. Hunt was looking at us to pick who would go next to sing their song. His eyes scanning us, we'd already had one person sing and they weren't the best. Now we all sat in apprehension waiting for him to choose one of us.

He picked some girl in the back named Annie. She went up to the stage and sang Lips Of An Angel by Hinder. She was an alright singer I guess, I wasn't looking forward to singing because I knew I was a pretty awful singer. Valentine had told me so enough times.

After Annie sang her song we all clapped for her as she went back to her seat.

Once again Mr. Hunt's eyes scanned over us. His eyes landed on me for a second and my heart started beating faster. I was hoping I'd be able to go Monday. He moved his eyes passed me and I let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding.

Then his eyes were back on me.

"Clarissa Fray."

I looked down at my hands and then stood up. I slowly made my way to the front of the classroom. My heart was beating loudly and my palms started to sweat. I discreetly, at least I think, wiped them on my pants.

"Would you like to sit or stand for your song, Clarissa?"

"It's Clary, and I would like to seat please." I told him quietly.

He nodded his head towards the stool that was at the front of the class, not acknowledging that I wished to be addressed as Clary.

I made my way over to it and sat down slowly.

Mr. Hunt pulled up the piano cover up on his computer for my song and soon the music started filling the room.

I dedicated this song to Simon. The class doesn't know that though. Simon doesn't know it.

This song is completely for Simon. I'm not going to talk to people about how I feel because it is none of their damn business, but maybe, just maybe, singing a song for Simon will help to let out how I feel.

_Always in a rush_

_Never stay on the phone long enough_

_Why am I so self-important?_

_Said I'd see you soon_

_But that was, oh, maybe a year ago_

_Didn't know time was of the essence_

I remember that day perfectly well. Simon had been calling me all week trying to tell me something. I never knew what it was though.

I was always too busy to pay attention to my friend; the one who was always there when I needed him, and I couldn't take two minutes of my time to listen to him.

I was frantic. Valentine hadn't been home for a while and I had been out looking for him or waiting for him to call. I should've just answered Simon's phone call instead, listened to him.

I kept telling him the next time I saw him we'd talk about it. I just kept pushing it off. I never knew that I wouldn't be able to hear him one day. I didn't know that the clock was running out. I thought I'd have him forever. If I had known that he was going to die I would have tried harder to listen to him.

_So many questions_

_But I'm talking to myself_

_I know that you can't hear me any more_

_Not anymore_

_So much to tell you_

_And most of all goodbye_

_But I know that you can't hear me any more_

I wish I had known what he had to say to me. There were so many things that I had to talk to him about. Now I can't ask him anything. I can only imagine the conversations we would have had.

Now he can't hear anything I have to say, ever again. I have so much that I need to tell him. I need to tell him I'm sorry that I started cutting. I'm sorry that I couldn't listen to him. I never even got to say goodbye to him and now I never will.

I could feel my chest start to tighten up with the grief I've been feeling, all the pain that I haven't been able to deal with properly.

I could feel the before tears in my throat as I continued singing.

_It's so loud inside my head_

_With words that I should have said_

_And as I drown in my regrets_

_I can't take back the words I never said_

_I never said_

_I can't take back the words I never said_

The voices in my head constantly telling me how I should have been better for Simon, how I should have listened, the things that I'll never say to him; they get tossed around in my head. No matter how much I tune them down they're always there.

I was a terrible friend. He had tried talking to me in the halls, but I brushed off what he had to say telling him I needed to get to class.

I regret not listening to him. I regret not being a good friend Simon. I regret being a shitty person in general. I could have done something!

So many things that I should have said to him and now I'll never be able to. I honestly can't take back the words I never said. So many things.

_Always talking shit_

_Took your advice and did the opposite_

_Just being young and stupid_

_I haven't been all that you could've hoped for_

_But if you'd held on a little longer_

_You'd have had more reasons to be proud_

I remember Simon telling me all these things. Telling me who he knew I would become and how he hoped I'd never let what everyone says get to my head.

He wouldn't be proud of me. I haven't been what he hoped I would be. He never wanted me to cut. I remember telling him back a year ago that I had wanted to start cutting. He had told me to never do that. I betrayed him.

If he had stayed alive maybe I would have been the person he wanted me to be. Maybe if he had stayed alive he would have had reasons to be proud of me, but he can't be proud of me now.

The tightening in my chest got stronger and I had a hard time breathing. The before tears fighting their way to my eyes; I could feel my eyes begin to water a little bit.

_So many questions_

_But I'm talking to myself_

_I know that you can't hear me any more_

_Not anymore_

_So much to tell you_

_And most of all goodbye_

_But I know that you can't hear me any more_

What did you have to say to me Simon? What was so important when I blew you off?

I never got a chance to say goodbye. I hate that shooter. I hate myself for not listening to Simon when he wanted me to after he was always there for me.

_It's so loud inside my head_

_With words that I should have said_

_And as I drown in my regrets_

_I can't take back the words_

I can't remember the last time I told Simon I loved him, or if I ever did. He was my best friend, and I should have let him know how much he meant to be. I'll never be able to tell him how important he was to me now. I just have to live with the regret that I'm never going to be able to tell him how much he meant to me.

I swallowed my tears, looked outside and kept singing.

_The longer I stand here_

_The louder the silence_

_I know that you're gone but sometimes I swear that I hear_

_Your voice when the wind blows_

_So I talk to the shadows_

_Hoping you might be listening 'cos I want you to know_

The silence will never be filled. Simon's gone and I still can't manage to wrap my head around that small fact.

I remember when he died I thought I would hear him talking, and I would talk back thinking maybe he was still here. Maybe he was listening and I could tell him how I felt.

It was a childish fantasy of mine though because I know he's gone. There's nothing I can do to let him know now. I'm never going to tell him I love him, or that he meant the world to me. Never will I see his smile again. Never will I hear his laugh. Never will I hug him.

I had one more verse to go, but I couldn't do it. The tears started streaming down my face and I ran out of class leaving my bag, not thinking about where I was going.

I ran out the front doors of the building and into the parking lot. I still had no idea where I was going, just that I needed to get out of there. I needed to numb the pain.

I didn't have any razors with me though.

I was full out sobbing now as I walked around the parking lot kicking the ground. There was so much anger and pain pent up inside of my chest, and I had no idea what to do. I needed to get myself under control.

I walked up to a tree that was growing on the edge of the parking lot and started punching the shit out of it.

I think I just caused more damage to my hand though.

By the time I pulled my fists away from the tree my knuckles were bruised and bloodied.

Sinking down to the ground, leaning against the tree, I let numbness take over my body.

I shouldn't have sung that song. I knew it would bring up emotions that I didn't want to deal with. It was also the only song I wanted to sing though. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the tree letting my tears stream down my face.

* * *

JPOV

I left class a little early because I didn't want to try and escape the mob of kids trying to push through the hallways. I also just wanted to get some fresh air and clear my head.

What Clary said this morning hurt. I was hoping that maybe she wouldn't be so repulsed by the idea of dating me, but it turns out she absolutely hates the idea.

Sighing I just walked aimlessly around the parking lot. I could always just go ahead and leave now. I'm not sure when Izzy's date is, so I have to wait for her and Clary to get home to tell me.

I continued walking when I spotted Clary leaning against a tree at the edge of the parking lot.

I started walking over to her and then picked up the pace turning it into a steady jog.

Her eyes were closed and she was softly breathing. Dry tears were crusted to her face, and her knuckles were bruised and bloodied.

I noticed she didn't have her bag.

Gently, I lifted her and carried her to my car. I set her down in my backseat on her back in a position so she was lying down.

I believe she has music seventh period. It's almost eighth period. I hurried back into the school and waited outside the music room for seventh period to end.

Once it was over I rushed inside, grabbed Clary's backpack, and headed back to my car.

When I reached my car and opened the back door Clary was still lying there like I left her.

I set her bag on the floor and crawled into the backseat by her head.

Gingerly, I lifted her head and rested it on my lap. I looked down at her pale face and ran my hand through her messy hair.

It hurts me to know that she's in so much pain and I can't do anything about it. Hell, maybe I make her pain worse.

That thought immediately makes my stomach clench. I don't want to bring her anymore pain than she's already in.

I ran my left hand through her hair and gently set my right hand on her stomach.

Under her lids her eyes were moving fast. I wish I knew what she was dreaming about. I wish I knew what made her run out here and cry, in the first place. I wish she'd take her walls down. I wish I could take her walls down and set her free.

I pressed a soft kiss to the crown of her head and leaned my head back against the seat. I'm going to help Clary. I'm not going to hurt her; I'm going to help her.

I closed my eyes waiting for her to wake up.

* * *

A little while later I felt Clary stirring in my arms and opened my eyes to see her beginning to awaken.

She put her hand on top of the hand I had resting lightly on her stomach.

When she opened her eyes I leaned forward, in a way that put my face above hers.

I placed a gentle kiss on the tip of her nose, "Hey there."

She looked up at me blank faced, "Hi."

"What's wrong?" I asked frowning.

She frowned herself, "Why am I in your car?" She tilted her head a little.

"I found you passed out under a tree after seventh period, and I brought you in here so you could sleep, and I could make sure you were okay." Her face lost the confused look. "Are your hands okay?"

"Yeah, they're fine." She closed her eyes again, breathing softly.

"Hey, hey, are you sure you're okay?" I put a hand on her face. I didn't want her passing out.

She opened her eyes, "Yeah, just emotionally drained." She shrugged her shoulders giving me a tight smile.

"Why are you emotionally drained?" I asked softly going back to running my hand through her hair.

"Music." She said simply.

Clary started sitting up and my hand dropped from her stomach. She started to scoot away from me.

"No." I said grabbing her arm lightly. I pulled her over to me and picked up her light frame. I set her on my lap and wrapped my arms around her waist, pulling her into my chest.

"We're going to talk about this. I was worried when I saw you. Please talk to me, Clary." I set my chin on her shoulder and kissed her soft cheek.

I listened intently as Clary told me the story of what happened in her music class; about how she felt like she was a bad friend and how she'd never be able to tell Simon she loved him. When she said that my arms involuntarily tightened around her and she flinched a little. I loosened my hold, but felt slightly jealous of that geek.

Once she finished her story I kissed her cheek again. I don't know exactly what happened that day. There weren't many people when the shooting happened, just a few kids who were still there for whatever reason after school was over. I think Simon was driving Clary home, and then there were the few kids who were injured.

"Simon knows how much you cared about him." I murmured softly.

"No he doesn't." Her voice cracked on the last word and I knew she was trying not to cry again.

"You don't have to be strong all the time Clary. Everybody cries at some point in their lives, and everyone needs someone to hold them when they're upset every once in a while. It's okay to feel emotions, Clary. That's what makes you human, makes everyone human, is that we feel things." I said softly into her ear.

She turned her head to look at me. Her eyes were red rimmed and bright with unshed tears.

She fisted my shirt into her small hands and set her head on my shoulder, "I miss him so fucking much." She whispered hoarsely.

"I know." I said rubbing her back, "I know." I kissed her head, holding her while she cried into my shirt. Not once did I let go of this petite redhead who I have started feeling things for, and I never want to let her go.

* * *

**Here it is you guys! An actually good chapter! This is longer than my usual ones, so I hope this makes it up to you guys for being shitty lately. I hope you like it.**

**Review. It encourages me to write. **


	19. Chapter 19

**To the guest who was saying they used to self harm: I know a lot of people who have self harmed over time. It's a serious matter and it's different for each person who goes through it. It is roughly the same intentions for people, it's a way of self control and releasing pain, but everyone has their different reasons for why they need that release. Cutting is a serious thing, and I'm pretty good at talking about it with people. **

**If anybody ever wants to talk to me about something like that I'll always listen I can promise you that. I'm good at helping people with this sort of thing. **

* * *

CPOV

After I finally regained my composure and put my mask back on I pulled away from Jace. I'm not sure why I told him anything. Why I let him hold me…. But it kind of felt good to have someone act like they care even if they "cared" only for a minute.

Jace was looking down at me. His hands had stilled on my back and it looked like he was waiting for me to say something.

"I'm sorry." I whispered, moving to get off of him.

His grip on me tightened immediately and kept me where I was, "Don't be sorry Clare. You didn't do anything wrong."

I laughed bitterly, "I had a moment of weakness. I shouldn't burden you with my problems. They're my own issues and not yours." I told him.

"Everyone has moments of weakness Clary. You're not burdening me, I would love to help you if you'd just let me in." He sounded almost sincere.

"Whatever." I didn't want to fight right now. I knew that I should just keep my problems to myself.

"I'm always here for you Clary, don't you ever forget that. Just because you have feelings it doesn't make you weak. It makes you a real person. People will tell you that having feelings is bad, but as soon as you stop caring you're an emotionless bitch. Don't let them get to you. It's okay to need someone."

He pulled me to him in a hug. After a few awkward seconds I hesitantly wrapped my arms around him.

Jace slowly pulled away and kissed my forehead.

"You ready to go get ready with Isabelle? School's almost over, and it'd be pretty pointless for us to go back to class." Jace said.

"I don't-"

"You're bag's right here." He interrupted me picking my bag up off the floor.

I shrugged my shoulders, "Okay."

Jace smiled at me before opening the door to go to the front.

I followed him slowly out of the backseat and up to the passenger seat.

"Am I still not allowed to call this a date?" Jace asked me once he started the car.

"Why do you want to call it a date so badly?" I asked skeptically.

"Because that is what this is."

"I don't wanna." I groaned banging my head on the seat.

Jace just laughed at me. After a moment he got serious again, "What happened that day of the shooting?" He asked glancing at me as we drove down the road.

I bit my lip looking out my window, "I don't want to talk about it right now." I said softly.

"Maybe talking about it will help you, Clare."

"I just don't want to re-live it just yet. I already re-lived that awful week before."

He looked at me in sympathy.

I slammed my hands on my thighs, wincing a little, "Don't you dare give me that damn sympathetic look. I will cut you."

"I didn't give you a sympathetic look!" He yelled.

"Bullshit." I muttered.

"Will you at least tell me sometime? What about on our helping a friend project, or whatever you want us to call it?" He asked seriously.

I glanced at him again before looking out my window, "All right." I agreed reluctantly.

I didn't want to live through that again. Jace is just going to keep pushing it though until he gets his answers. Sighing I leaned my head against the window, effectively ignoring Jace for the rest of the ride to his home.

* * *

JPOV

Once we got to my house I invited Clary into my room, but she denied saying she'd rather go sit in Isabelle's room and wait for her to get home.

Now I was lying in my bed staring at the ceiling waiting until I needed to start getting ready for our date. It wasn't until six and it was now only four.

Isabelle and Clary were getting ready up until the minute we had to leave. I don't know why girls need to take so long to get ready. It's only going to take me ten minutes at most.

I wonder what the full story with that shooting was. Clary seems pretty reluctant to tell me. Then again when is she not reluctant to tell me anything?

Faintly I could hear Izzy and Clary talking about something. At least _they_ sounded like they were having a good time.

I can only imagine how awkward this date is going to be. Sebastian apparently wanted to go to Taki's and we were supposed to meet him there at six.

Classy, he can't even find the decency to pick up his date. I rolled my eyes. At least I know how to treat women right.

Not that that matters any more. I only like Clary. I wish she would just open her eyes and see that I care about her!

I understand that it's hard to stop cutting, and I'm not expecting her to stop it as soon as I try to help her. I at least expect her to get better though. She's not. I'm never sure what's crossing the boundaries with her.

I don't know why I care so much about her, but I do. For the longest time she was just Izzy's friend and now I want to be there for her.

Feelings confuse me….

Running a hand down my face I glanced over at my clock. It was now only five.

I decided to go take a long shower just to pass time quicker.

I took my time washing my body and hair. When I got out of the shower it was now five-thirty.

I slipped on a pair of dark jeans and a black button up shirt. I towel dried my hair and headed out into the living room to wait for Clary and Izzy.

They were going to need to finish soon if they wanted to get there on time.

About six minutes later I heard Izzy and Clary talking as they slowly made their way to the living room.

Izzy was wearing a short white dress that was sleeveless. Her hair was up in a fancy bun and her make-up was light.

Clary looked absolutely breathtaking. I stared at her as they entered the living room. Her normally unruly curly hair was now in perfect curls, she was wearing a green dress that went down just past her knees. She had on a pair of black leggings, and simple black flats. Unlike Izzy Clary wasn't wearing any make-up which was surprising. I guess she really protested against Izzy.

Clary must have caught me staring because she looked down, blushing. Izzy just smirked and started to walk out the door.

I offered Clary my arm, which she hesitantly took, and we walked out to the car together.

* * *

Once we got to the restaurant we went inside to find Sebastian sitting at a table for two.

"Pleasant date, Iz. Did you tell him Clary and I were coming too?" I said sarcastically. She probably hadn't and had set this whole damn thing up.

I internally face palmed.

Izzy bit her lip looking up at me, "Well he did know you two were coming, but then we talked about it and agreed that you and Clary should have a seat by yourselves." There was a hint of worry in Isabelle's voice.

"Thanks for not telling us, Iz." I growled at her.

Clary had just stood there silently the whole time watching us talk. After we had finished I walked over to her.

"We're sitting by ourselves." I said lightly, watching her reaction.

"Oh…. Alright?" She seemed unsure of herself.

I grabbed Clary's hand, which needless to say she took back immediately, and led her to a booth not too far away from Izzy and Sebastian.

After we had both ordered we sat in silence for a few moments. I watched her as she played with her hands in her lap, not once glancing at me. Finally I decided to break the silence.

"Will you tell me the full story now?" I asked her abruptly.

Her head snapped up to me, "What?"

"What happened with Simon. Why were you and Simon there after school when everyone else left?"

Clary took in a breath and a clouded look passed over her face. I didn't say anything. She must be thinking about that day.

The waitress brought our food and left quickly, all the while Clary sat lost in her own thoughts.

After another minute or so she looked at me clearly focused. "Will you tell me?"

"Well, there's not much to tell. Like I told you in your car earlier…. Simon had been trying to talk to me all week. I kept blowing him off, saying we'd talk later… I didn't know later would be too late though…"

Clary looked down at her lap, unshed tears shining bright in her eyes. I could tell it was taking her best effort to not cry.

She took in a shaky breath, "Valentine had been gone for longer than usual and I was worried about what could have happened to him. I never wanted to talk to Simon on the phone in fear that Valentine would call and I would miss. I didn't want Simon over because Valentine wouldn't have been happy with that when he showed up."

She got a pained expression on her face as she looked down at her hands.

Finally she lifted her gaze back up to mine, "On the last day of school I had agreed to talk to Simon. He insisted that we talk after school. I reluctantly agreed, he would give me a ride home after we were done. I'm not sure why we couldn't just ride in his car and talk, but whatever."

Clary's eyes were flashing emotions of regret, and she was worrying away at her bottom lip. I wanted to go over and hold her while she told the story, but refrained.

After another ragged breath she continued, "We were waiting for most the people to clear out before we started talking. We just standing out there and I was so lost in my thoughts that I never noticed the car slowly driving by…."

She hesitated for a moment before continuing. You could see the battle going on in her mind if she should say this or not, "Simon hugged me and told me he loved me. His actions confused me at first, it was so sudden. His whole attitude had changed quickly. He kissed my head and then pushed me behind him and onto the ground as the first gunshot sounded."

Clary bit her lip again as a single tear escaped out of her eye. "He saved me and it's my fault that he's dead." She whispered.

The tone of her voice broke my heart. She can't seriously be blaming herself for Simon's death. There's no way she could have possibly known that would have happened!

Her face was contorted with grief and pain as she put her head in her hands. Silent sobs racking through her body.

I got up and walked over to her side of the table and sat down wrapping my arms around her slender form. I murmured into her ear as she slowly stopped crying.

"I don't want to talk about it anymore." She told me, her voice hoarse from crying.

"We don't have to." I said softly. I kissed the top of her head, "Thank you."

"For what?" She asked thoroughly confused.

I smiled slightly at her, "For talking to me." I went back to my side across from her.

For the rest of the "date" we made small talk and I finally got her to smile again.

CPOV

After I had told Jace what happened that day I looked over to where Izzy and Sebastian were sitting. She looked so happy and I couldn't fathom why.

Her boyfriend _died_ not that long ago. How was she able to just move on like that? I couldn't find any remorse on her face.

How?

I feel like she betrayed Simon. I'm going to talk to her about it when we get back to the house.

* * *

I was sitting on Izzy's bed as she brushed her hair at the vanity table; neither of us had said anything to the other since the date, and you could feel the tension rising between us.

Finally I couldn't take it any longer, "How could you?" I yelled at her.

She looked at me surprise evident on her face, "How could I what?" She narrowed her eyes at me.

"How could you just go on a fucking date and have no goddamn remorse about Simon?" I yelled throwing my hands in the air, making wild gestures with them.

"Don't you dare tell me what I feel!" Izzy yelled back at me.

"I saw you! I fucking saw you Isabelle! You were happy to be on that damn date!" I shouted furious, she was betraying Simon. How could she do that to him?

"Don't! You're the one who told me that you thought it would be best if we both moved on that first day of school!" She screamed, standing now.

"I didn't mean go off and fucking date someone else, Iz, damn!"

"I'm just doing what you told me to, Clary! You can get the hell over it that I, un-like you, can actually enjoy myself and move on from the goddamn past!"

"What's that supposed to mean." I retorted crossing my arms over my chest.

"You can't let it go! You're always playing the 'I'm fine' card and then being a moody bitch later!" She continued shouting, "It's not my fault you don't understand that Simon is gone! He's not coming back no matter what! You just have to live with that, just like I do! Excuse me if I want to get on with my life when you obviously do not!"

"Don't tell me what I want." I said deathly quiet.

"You told me to move on."

"I never said _date_ you fucking betrayed him Izzy! You betrayed Simon! He never did anything to deserve having you going off to date someone else! You fucking betrayed me! You left me when he died because you didn't even bother to think about me! You fucking left us both!" I yelled once more. "You betrayed him! He didn't do anything to you!"

"He. Is. Dead." Izzy said.

"Why are you so blatantly throwing that around?" I screamed, "Do you want him to be dead? Are you fucking happy that you can now date someone else?" I yelled. I couldn't take this anymore. She couldn't just do that to him!

Izzy opened her mouth to say something when the door suddenly burst open. Jace and Alec ran inside the room looking scared.

Jace leaned over to whisper something into Alec's hair and he nodded his face solemnly.

"You're such a bitch! I can't believe you would say that!" Izzy yelled at me bringing my attention back towards her.

"I'm not the one who fucking betrayed him!" I took a step closer to her.

Next thing I know Jace is picking me up while I'm screaming and hitting his arms; yelling at him to put me down, that Simon deserved better than this, that he didn't deserve to be forgotten. I yelled until I couldn't yell anymore and I just limply fell in Jace's arms.

I don't know where he was taking me and I didn't really care. I just wanted to die. I wanted Simon, _my _Simon. I missed him and needed him to come back to me.

Life fucking sucked without him.

Jace was saying something to me. I couldn't hear him, all I could hear was the blood pounding in my ears.

I was trying to focus on Jace's voice, or his concerned face, anything really, but it was no use. The world slowly started ebbing away. My vision got fuzzy and everything blurred together before everything went black.

Maybe I'm dying, I thought vaguely, hoping I'd see Simon now that I was slipping from my world.

* * *

**You're guys's reviews always put a smile on my face, especially when I have been having a shitty day, so thank you. :)**

**Also, I have things going on in my life right now, so I won't be updating as much. I will update as often as possible though, I promise you that. **

**I didn't spell check this, so forgive me for any mistakes. I just wanted to get this out here for you guys, and I am exhausted from preseason so my apologies for the mistakes.**

**I hope you enjoy this chapter. Sorry if it sucks. :/**


	20. Chapter 20

**I know, I know, we all wanted Clary to bitch slap Izzy. I'll make it up to you guys somehow. Eventually… When I feel like it and think of a way…. Until then, here's your chapter.**

* * *

IPOV

While Jace grabbed Clary, Alec grabbed me by my waist making sure I stayed in my room.

I was in too much shock to do anything though.

Clary was acting like a lunatic! As Jace was carrying her she was screaming nonsense. She was yelling at me about how Simon didn't deserve what I was doing to him, and how I left her, and she wanted Jace to put her down.

She was struggling hard against him. She was kicking her legs everywhere and slapping him.

"He didn't deserve this! Put me down! I hate you! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!" She was just screaming.

Her face was bright red and tears were streaming down her face. Jace seemed to be having a hard time to get a good grip on her small wriggling form.

"You betrayed him! How could you? We thought you loved him!" Clary was still yelling hysterically, her voice cracking now.

Jace finally got a good grip on Clary and started taking her somewhere. I don't know where, and I wish I could do something to help.

"Why did you do this? I thought you fucking cared! You're a bitch! I fucking hate you!" She was still screeching. I could hear her sobs coming down the hallway.

As Jace continued to take her wherever her voice got quieter, her yells less prominent.

"Why? Why would you do that? You betrayed him!"

I stood there in shock. I couldn't move. Clary just fucking lost it. I don't even know why I yelled back at her in the first place. I didn't want to hear what a bad person I was I guess, but Clary….

She's gone crazy!

I felt tears running down my face. Clary, my best friend, was left by me. She was right, I did leave her. I didn't think about her.

I was stunned. I never thought Clary could flip that bad. I would have never thought Clary would go so damn mental.

Alec picked me up and carried me over to my bed. He laid me down and tucked me in.

"Just go to sleep, Iz." He patted my shoulder and left.

I don't think I'm going to sleep tonight, not with what just happened.

So I just lay in shock on my bed waiting to see how Clary's going to be.

JPOV

When I saw Izzy and Clary I was shocked. I never thought I would see them at each other like that.

Izzy's face was bright red from anger. Clary was trembling uncontrollably. She looked like she was about to lose her head.

I told Alec to grab Izzy and I'd take care of Clary.

While Clary was screaming I tried to get a hold on her. I didn't want to put too much pressure on her cuts which made it incredibly hard to get a hold on her, let alone a good one.

Isabelle's face was shocked and horrified. She didn't make a move to get out of Alec's grasp, while Clary was doing everything in her power to escape mine.

She kept yelling at Izzy, and telling me to let her go.

Clary was hysterical! I've never seen her this bad before. Her face was flushed, her body trembling, and tears were just streaming down her face in an endless run.

I didn't know what to do, but I had to get her out of the house before she woke up everyone else, or at least take or to my room where she couldn't disturb anyone.

I finally got a good hold on her and started carrying her out of Izzy's room.

She was still struggling, but she was getting weaker.

Her voice was hoarse and it got to the point where she was no longer capable of yelling.

Once her struggles were practically nonexistent I got worried.

"Clary, Clary?" I asked worriedly.

Her eyes were facing me, but her mind was somewhere else. She wasn't focused on me.

"Clary!" I yelled.

There was no point she blacked out.

I quickly carried her to my room and lay her gently on my bed. I was freaking out. I started pacing the room trying to think of what I should do.

I ran into my bathroom, grabbed a washcloth, dampened it, and brought it back to my bed, laying it on Clary's head.

I guess I'll just have to wait until she wakes up. I pulled my desk chair over to my bed and sat down watching Clary.

What caused her to lose her head so much?

Did Isabelle say anything?

Was it because I made her talk about Simon?

Sighing I ran a hand down my face leaning back in the chair. I grabbed her hand lightly entwining our fingers.

Her hand is so small and pale compared to my large tanned one.

What am I supposed to do?

She was in hysterics, she was crazy! The look on Izzy's face showed she didn't know what was going on. Alec just grimaced while Clary shouted at us.

Clary, angel, what upset you so much that you got so crazed?

I won't know that answer until she wakes up. I don't know how long that will take, so all I can do is just sit here and wait for her to wake up.

Slowly, I started moving my thumb in small circles over her knuckles.

I felt sleep start to take its toll on me. I tried to fight it. I tried so hard, but my eyes slowly started drooping against my will and I was enveloped in the haze of sleep.

* * *

I was jolted from my sleep when Clary started thrashing around in my bed. She had dropped my hand at some point while I slept, or maybe I dropped hers, but as of now she was jerking and rolling sideways as if she were having a nightmare.

Her breathing increased rapidly in pace.

Clary bolted up all of a sudden it startled me and made me move back a little in shock.

"She betrayed him!" She croaked out.

This thing really seemed to upset her. She must not have been over Simon as much as we all thought she was.

She started holding her head in her hands bringing her knees up to her chest.

"I need my razors." She said through her labored breaths.

"What?" I was hoping I hadn't heard her correctly.

"I need my razors, I need my razors, I need my razors!" She started yelling again and I tried to calm her down.

"I can't let you do that Clary." I told her soothingly pushing her back to a lying down position on my bed.

"Please?" She begged me. Her eyes were pleading and her tone was so desperate, it was hard to say no.

"Clary, I can't let you hurt yourself like that."

"I need my razors!" She started screaming again.

I watched as she bolted out of my bed and downstairs. I'm not sure where she thinks she's going so slowly I followed her, still slightly drowsy from sleep.

I looked in the bathroom downstairs, but she wasn't in there. Frowning I thought of where else she could have gone.

I really doubt that she ran to Izzy's room. Maybe she went to the kitchen?

What I saw woke me up when I got into the kitchen entrance.

Clary was holding a knife to her arm and slicing away at it.

"Clary!" I yelled.

Obviously startled she jerked the knife harder and she winced. I winced too knowing I did that.

I ran over to her and grabbed the knife out of her hand. "Clary no." I said sternly.

Looking down at her arm I could see the jagged cut that I contributed to and five other shallower ones.

Why couldn't she just listen to me? Damn!

Scowling at Clary I picked her back up, throwing her over my shoulder.

Blood was starting to run down her arm by the time I got her back to my bedroom. I took her into the bathroom and stuck her arm under the sink to wash away the blood.

She winced at first, but her muscles relaxed soon after the initial shock. Her face impassive.

She must be used to this, I thought. She would cut herself worse than this and then have to take a shower.

"I need my razor." She mumbled.

"No, Clare. You don't. You're going to come back to bed after I bandage you up and you're going to be okay."

She started breathing harder again, "Jace I need my razor!" She yelled.

I clamped a hand over her mouth and her eyes got wide. "Shh." I crooned, "You'll be okay. You have me. You don't need the razors when you have me right beside you."

She glared at me.

"I'm not going to let you kill yourself, dammit, Clary!" I snapped my tone suddenly harsh. She didn't understand when I was gentle with her, so maybe being harsh would get through to her.

She got tears in her eyes, and said something that came out muffled and unintelligible because of my hand covering her mouth.

"What was that, Clare?" I asked her quietly.

"I _need _my razors." She pleaded with me. I don't understand why she was so desperate for them.

I just shook my head slowly. I pulled out a wash cloth and dried of her arm.

I didn't bother to bandage it because it wouldn't make a difference.

I grabbed her hand, which to my surprise she didn't yank away causing me to smile slightly, and led her to my bed.

Clary lay down on her side, and I lay down just behind her.

She had her arms in front of her looking at her arms. I wrapped my arms around her body and grabbed her hands, pulling them to her chest to get her to stop looking at her scars.

Her body started shaking with silent sobs and I pulled her closer to me.

All of a sudden she turned around in the circle of my arms and wrapped hers around my neck. Her face was pressed in the crook of my neck.

It shocked me. She probably wasn't even aware of what she was doing. That didn't stop me from pulling her petite frame closer to me though.

I smiled, kissing the top of her head.

Her body was so warm, and it fit perfectly against mine. I wish I could always be able to hold her like this. I doubt I will again after this though. The thought of that made me grimace.

Sighing I nuzzled my head into her hair feeling content and peaceful.

I kissed the top of her head one more time before drifting off into a peaceful sleep.

* * *

When I woke up Clary was still asleep.

I started rubbing her back gently while she slept.

I don't understand why she's so upset. Surely she couldn't have been that upset over the date? Maybe she was.

Maybe Izzy said something.

Maybe she just missed Simon too much and didn't realize what she was saying.

I don't know what caused it, but I never want to see her lose her mind like that again. It was terrifying to see her so hysterical.

I'm not sure how long I was awake before Clary began to stir.

I kissed her head, "Good morning. How are you feeling?" I asked softly.

She hadn't opened her eyes yet and she just shrugged.

Clary sighed before rolling away from me. She didn't get very far though because of my arms around her waist. I smiled smugly at that.

"Where you going Clare?" I asked teasingly.

"Away from you." She mumbled.

After a few seconds of silence Clary spoke up once more, "Why am I here?"

"Here as in my room, or here as in my house? Or as in this world? There are many here's. There's this galaxy-"

She groaned, "Shut the fuck up, Jace."

"Make me." I taunted her.

She rolled around in my arms again to glare at me. I smiled at her sweetly.

"You're here because you and Izzy got into a fight yesterday after her date." I said quietly, watching for signs of reaction. Her face remained blank.

"You were hysterical and I brought you in here so you wouldn't wake anybody up." I finished explaining.

She nodded her head once, "Thanks. I'll just go home now."

She started to get up, but then stopped.

"I'd appreciate it if you got your arms off of me so I could leave." She said annoyed.

"Hmm, I don't wanna." I pulled her closer to me and nuzzled my head into the crook of her neck as she lye there stiffly.

"I told you I don't like cuddling." She reminded me impatiently.

"Yeah, but I like to." I tightened my arms around her again pulling her even closer.

Sometimes she just needs someone to make her smile and I think now is one of those times. I kissed her shoulder where my head was.

"Jace, no." Clary told me firmly, trying to shove me off of her.

I just laughed at her attempts.

"I want to leave. "She whined.

"Can I come with you?" I asked her looking at her face.

She looked back at me, "No. I want to be alone."

"That's not going to happen." I scoffed burying my face back into the crook of her neck.

"Why not?" She snapped exasperated.

"Because I need to make sure you're safe!" I yelled at her, picking my head up and looking down at her.

"I can take care of myself." Clary muttered.

"You're actions last night proved otherwise." I retorted.

"Why do you care? You're the biggest player and most popular person in our school! You obviously aren't using me to get to Izzy like Sebastian did, and you have no reason to talk to me. So why. Do. You. Care?" She yelled as best she could, her voice still hoarse.

I looked down at her and slowly brought my face closer to hers.

* * *

**So this is happening…. Don't know whether Jace will get away with it or not… What are you guys thinking?**

**Hmmm, questions. **

**Could we like get me to ninety reviews? I think that'd be cool. It'd put a smile on my face…. But do whatever you want. It won't affect my updating.**

**I can't believe I'm at chapter twenty. This just kinda blew my goddamned mind. I wasn't expecting even this much response. Thanks guys. **


	21. Chapter 21

CPOV

I don't know what Jace thought he was doing. I was pissed. I was pissed at him, at Izzy. Jace didn't let me finish my own fight, and now he doesn't even fucking trust me enough to believe that I won't cut! Prick…

As his face neared mine my heart started beating faster and I got nervous. I was trapped under him and couldn't really move past him.

Just as his mouth was right above mine Izzy slammed the door open.

Jace shot off of me and I bolted off of his bed taking his pillow and throwing it at his head with a look on my face that I hoped said 'Don't try that again.'

After glancing at me he looked back at Isabelle.

Her face turned red and she looked at the ground, "Sorry, I'll…. Be back later…" Just as she was leaving I swear she muttered 'hypocrite' under her breath.

"What'd you just say?" I challenged her.

"Nothing." She hurried off.

"Bitch." I yelled.

I looked at Jace who was already looking back at me. I rolled my eyes and started walking out of his room.

He wasn't about to let me leave though, he grabbed my arm and turned me around.

"Clary, where are you going?" He asked.

"Home, now that I'm not trapped by you forcing me to stay here." I snapped yanking my arm out of his grasp.

"Can I at least drive you home?" He questioned me quietly, his eyes pleading with mine.

I sighed, "Fine."

Jace's face radiated happiness at that one uttered word, and I rolled my eyes at how happy that could make him.

Jace slipped on his shoes, grabbed his keys, and walked by me grabbing my hand as he did so.

I pulled my hand out of his grasp, "No." I told him sternly.

He looked defeated and just kept walking down the stairs and out of his house to his car.

Once we were both inside his car he put the key in the ignition, started the car, and we pulled out of his driveway without a single word said.

You could feel the tension in the car, at least I could, maybe it was just me who felt it. Jace did look pretty neutral; however, the air just felt thicker to me.

After what felt like forever of our silent car ride we arrived at my home.

"Thank you for the ride home, Jace." I said quietly with my head down.

I waited him to respond before I opened my door, "No problem Clary."

I got out of the car quickly and headed up to my house. Jace didn't pull out of the driveway until I was safely inside my house.

I didn't see or hear Valentine when I walked into the house.

I shrugged it off and headed upstairs to my bedroom.

Once in my room I closed my door and just stood in the middle of my bedroom. I wasn't sure what to do.

I wish I could talk to Simon… I miss him so much.

Sighing I pulled out my sketchbook, sat on the floor leaning against my bed, and started to draw. I wasn't really focused on what I was drawing and just let my hand glide across the paper. I could have sat there for hours, or minutes.

All I know is that when my drawing was done it was of Simon. I had capture the way his eyes lit up when he smiled his goofy smile. His glasses on his face slipping off slightly.

The picture hurt to look at. I quickly closed it and shoved it away from me. I stood up off the floor and headed down stairs.

I didn't have breakfast this morning, so I guess I should do that. I took a pill and looked for something to eat. I decided on eating a bowl of Apple Jacks.

Just as I was finishing up my breakfast Valentine walked into the house.

He didn't spare me a look as he walked down the hall to his room.

Putting the bowl in the sink, I headed back to my bedroom quietly.

Once inside I just sat on the bed not sure what to do with myself now. I could draw some more, but I didn't feel like doing that. I could… I don't know what I could or couldn't do. I didn't want to do anything really, but I also didn't want to be bored out of my mind.

Maybe I should take a nap. My head hurts from yesterday, and I didn't get that much sleep.

Content with that decision I rolled over onto my side pulling my blankets up and fell into a peaceful sleep.

* * *

When I woke up it was about seven p.m.

"Shit." I muttered hastily running out of my bedroom to go out to the kitchen and make dinner for Valentine.

When I got to the fridge though there was a note on it from Valentine it read:

_Clary,_

_I'm going out again tonight. I won't be home for a while because I don't feel like dealing with you and your useless self. You better do well in school, and not eat too much. Keep the house clean, it better look nice when I get home. _

_ -Valentine_

What the fuck was with Valentine and notes anyways? He always leaves them. What's wrong with a damn call or text every now and then? Whatever, it doesn't matter.

I'll just have a peanut butter sandwich for dinner! I'm too lazy to really make anything else for myself.

After making and eating my sandwich I took a pill and headed to my bedroom.

Checking my phone I saw that I had a new text from Jace.

_Hey, want to hang out? –J_

_I guess….? –C _I was bored so why not? It wouldn't make a difference.

_Cool! You want me to come over now? –J_

_Only if you want. –C_

_I'll be there in a few! ;) –J_

_Just so you know, I'm rolling my eyes at you. –C_

_I would expect nothing less of you, my dear Clarissa. –J_

_Call me 'Clarissa' one more time Jonathon. –C_

… _I'm done now. –J_

_That's what I thought. –C _I smirked at my phone.

_I'm leaving now. I'll be there soon. –J_

_Whatever. –C_

I guess there was nothing to do now, but wait for Jace to come over.

I put on a pair of yoga pants and a tank top, slipping my jacket on over it. I don't care if Jace knows I cut or not it's still uncomfortable to have my cuts open revealing to him what I've done. I've seen him stare at my cuts when he thinks I'm not looking.

True to his word a few minutes later he was knocking on my door.

I took my time walking to the front door opening it slowly.

"Well, what do you want?" I asked teasing him.

"I thought you said we could hang out." He told me.

I rolled my eyes and opened the door for him.

We walked over and sat down on the couch; him in the middle, me by the arm rest.

"Can I see your arms?" He asked almost as soon as we sat down.

"Are you serious?" I snapped, pissed off, "Is that the only reason you wanted to come over?" I shouted at him. I stood up snaking my arms across my chest glaring at him. What the fuck, he only wants to see if I had cut. I don't even know why he fucking cares so goddamn much! He can just piss off!

Jace quickly stood up too, "No! I mean, yes I'm serious, no that's not the only reason why I wanted to come over! I wanted.. I just, I want you to be okay, but I also want to hang out with you…" He trailed off _and_ stuttered. This was very un-Jace like for him.

"Why are you stuttering?" I questioned.

"Um, I'm nervous?" He tried raising and eyebrow and shrugging his shoulders.

"Why?"

"I brought some movies; do you want to watch them?" He asked effectively avoiding the question. Don't think I missed that he changed the subject because I really did notice. I'll just ask him later.

"What'd you bring?" I asked tentatively walking back to my spot on the couch.

"Well I brought: The Parent Trap, Haunted Mansion, Anastasia, and Fast and Furious, just because I needed some manly movie that Isabelle didn't tell me to bring."

I laughed. "Um… how about Haunted Mansion?" I asked hesitantly.

"Okay, cool. I'll go get it out of my car. I'll be right back." Ah that explains where the movies were.

I sat on the couch and waited for Jace to come in and pop the DVD into the machine and turn the TV on.

As the movie played Jace casually put his arm on the back of the couch behind me.

I rolled my eyes.

* * *

"Clary?" Jace asked a few minutes after the movie had finished.

It was a good movie, I liked it.

"Hmm?" I hummed back looking over towards him.

"Can we go to my house so I can show you something?"

I furrowed my eyebrows at him. Why do we need to go over to his house? "Umm, I guess?" I said, but it came out as more of a question.

He let out a breath and smiled, "Okay, cool, come on." He offered me his hand, but I stood up and acted like I didn't see it.

He grabbed his movie and we drove over to his house.

"What are you showing me?" I asked after sitting in silence for a few moments.

'I can't tell you, it's a surprise."

"That's such a child's phrase." I said amused.

"Too bad." He smirked at me.

I ignored him after that.

We arrived at his house not too much later.

He led me inside and to a room on the first floor. I followed slowly.

When I got to the room he was trying to show me I noticed it was like a music room.

There were a few guitars, and a grand piano. Jace grabbed an acoustic guitar and sat down on a stool. There was another one in front of him that he nodded at indicating that I should sit down on it.

I gave him a confused look, but did sit on the stool.

Jace smiled at me before strumming a few notes.

"Okay, ready?" He asked me with a genuine smile on his face.

I smiled back at him and nodded.

This time he continued to play notes.

Then he started singing.

_Deep, deep inside of your heart_

_There is a weight that still needs to be lifted._

_You cover it up, but the pain never stops._

_Sometimes I wish that you would just listen._

_Deep, deep inside of yourself_

_There is a soul starving for some affection._

_Been waiting for years and the time passes by -_

_All you ever wanted was to fit in._

_So I wrote you this song._

_I hope that you like it_

_Cause you light up my life,_

_And I know you can fight this._

_You're the most beautiful girl in the world,_

_And I wanted you to know._

_You're constantly waiting for life_

_To start and fill up the surroundings._

_If you only looked right by your side_

_You'd find that it never had left you._

_You've lived through so much_

_And seen so many things through your eyes,_

_And I wish you could just see -_

_If it were up to me I would construct a key to your heart_

_and finally set you free._

_So I wrote you this song._

_I hope that you like it_

_Cause you light up my life_

_And I know you can fight this._

_You're the most beautiful girl in the world_

_And I wanted you to know._

_You can call me;_

_You've got no reason to hide._

_You're so lovely;_

_Built with a beautiful mind._

_You can call me;_

_You've got no reasons to hide_

_You're so lovely;_

_Built with a beautiful mind._

_You can call me;_

_You've got no reasons to hide_

_You're so lovely;_

_Built with a beautiful mind._

_Built with a beautiful mind_

_Built with a beautiful mind_

_So, I wrote you this song._

_I hope that you like it_

_Cause you light up my life,_

_And I know you can fight this._

_You're the most beautiful girl in the world,_

_And I wanted you to know._

I wasn't sure what to say. That song was beautiful and Jace was an amazing singer. I wasn't sure why he sang me that song though, so I just sat and waited for him to tell me.

"Clary, this song makes me think of you. You try to hide your pain and you do a good job, you are the most beautiful girl in the world, and you can fight this. I'm going to be here with you while you do it." He said looking at me earnestly.

"Thanks, Jace." I whispered. Nobody had ever really thought about me that much and it made me feel like someone may actually care. I felt my eyes start to water with that prospect.

He put his guitar down, but stayed on his stool. I got off of mine and walked over to him.

Wrapping my arms around him I whispered, "Thanks." One more time.

Jace simply wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head, "You're welcome." He whispered too.

"Do you want to spend the night?" Jace asked still holding me.

I thought about it for a moment then nodded my head.

Jace moved me away from him a little so he could stand up.

He grabbed my hand, and I let him, then we walked to his bedroom in silence.

Once we got in there I lay down on his bed and waited for him while he changed in the bathroom.

The whole time I had one thought running through my head: Why does he care so much? I decide to ask as soon as he gets back.

Jace came in a moment later and lay down behind me wrapping his arms around my waist, pulling me to his chest.

I turned my head to look at him, "Jace?" I asked quietly.

"Yes?" He looked at me.

"Why do you care so much?" I asked bluntly, biting my lip after asking.

Jace looked at me for a moment. He kissed my cheek then said, "Because, Clary, I really like you."

* * *

**Guys, I fucking love you. I was like "It'd be really cool to get ninety reviews" and you guys were like "We'll give you ninety-fucking-five." Thanks for that I appreciate it. It makes me smile.  
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	22. Chapter 22

JPOV

I can't believe I just told her that. I can't believe I. Just. Told. Her. That. I'm an idiot! She doesn't like me and I am a fucking idiot.

I looked at her face waiting for her to reply. Maybe she'll hit me or something, run back to her house; maybe she'll kiss me…. I shook my head; that's wistful thinking Jace, she doesn't like you! My mind screamed at me.

"What?" She croaked out looking at me; confusion plainly written on her face.

I was shocked. I wasn't expecting this kind of response from her. Something a little more…. Bold, like slapping me or running home or yelling. Not asking me 'what'.

"I- I" Sighing I started again, "I really like you Clary. I like you a lot." I told her honestly pleading with my eyes that she would just see that I actually do mean it.

Please see that I mean it Clary, I begged silently watching her face.

Her face still held the confused look on her face. She looked at me and bit her lip. Involuntarily I pulled her closer, tightening my arms around her small body. She flinched a little, but I didn't dare loosen my hold on her in case she ran away from me.

I'd have chased after her anyways.

"Why?" She whispered hoarsely looking into my eyes.

I stared back at her, taken aback once again. Taking one of my arms off her waist I gently moved a piece of hair out of her face tucking it behind her ear letting my hand trail down the curve of her neck back down to her waist where it rested once more.

"Because, you're beautiful." I kissed her cheek. She looked like she was about to protest, probably to tell me that you shouldn't like someone because they're pretty and that makes me still sound like a player, "And because you're smart." I kissed her forehead, "You're strong" I kissed her temple. "You're perfect." I kissed her nose, "You're Clary." I leaned in to kiss her lips.

She started talk before I reached them and I could feel her warm breath fanning across my mouth. "I'm not Jace." She said quietly, not looking at me, "I'm ugly, I'm worthless, I'm stupid, I'm weak, and pathetic. I'm a nobody who's just a waste of space! Why can't you get that through your head Jace? I'm a bad person; a waste of space. I bet someone a lot better than me could be on this planet if it weren't for me. I'd be better off dead." She finished bitterly still not looking at me.

I felt my heart break a little at her words. I couldn't lose her like that and she needed to understand that. I tightened my grip on her again and she cried out a little. I still didn't lessen my grip.

How could she possibly say that and think those things?

"Why would you think that, Clary?" I asked my voice soft.

She still wouldn't look at me. I felt her shrug her shoulders.

"If I wasn't a bad person Jocelyn wouldn't have left me. If I hadn't ignored Simon he'd still be alive. If I'd just been a better friend. If I was a good daughter Valentine wouldn't hate me. He wouldn't say I'm an awful person. He'd love me. If I was actually a good person then I would be loveable, but I'm not! I can't even love, let alone be loved!" Her voice started to rise and I quickly rubbed circles into her back.

"Shh, Clary, don't yell." She glared at me.

"I'm just a pointless person." She started again, softer this time, "I'm not good at anything. I'm a bad friend and daughter. I'm taking up the space of someone who could have been better. What if a child who was aborted or died during child birth or at a young age died and they could have taken my place being a better human being?" She asked sharply.

I didn't know if she was done talking yet or if she even wanted me to reply to her question. It's hard to tell the difference between rhetorical questions and actual questions sometimes. I just continued to rub soothing circles into her back. She'd yet to look up at me apart from the second she glared at me.

After a few minutes of silence I opened my mouth to answer when she started speaking again.

"I just don't understand, Jace." She whispered quietly, "Why was I even born? Why am I alive? Why am I such a goddamn fuckup?" She asked desperately.

"Why do I have to live? I should just kill myself. I already pissed Izzy off, and there's no one left who cares about me." Her hands formed into fists grabbing my shirt. "Nobody needs me. I'm a waste of fucking space."

"Clary look at me." I said gently.

She shakes her head and buries her face in my chest. I laugh a little on the inside. And she said she didn't like cuddling. I smile a little rolling my eyes.

"Come on, Clare, just look at me." I said trying to coax her out of her hiding.

She shook her head again trying bury her head even more.

I shook my head. I guess there's no other way to get her to look at me.

I flipped us over so she was on her back and I was above her. I put my weight on my forearms which were on either side of her head.

Her eyes were rimmed red and glassy. She had a few tears tricking down her face.

I held her head with both of my hands and lightly swept my thumbs over cheek bone catching her tears with the pads of my thumb.

"Don't cry Clary." I murmured leaning down to kiss her forehead.

"You're not a waste of space. You're a good person who has just had a lot of bad things happen to them Clare. You're not taking away life from someone else. Your mom left you? Well then she's missing out on having an amazing person as her daughter. Valentine hates you? Well, that's his problem. Simon loved you Clary and he wouldn't want to see you in so much pain. _I _don't want to see you in so much pain."

I kissed her nose.

"I'm not amazing." She muttered bitterly.

"You are amazing, Clary. You're perfect. Despite what you believe you're not a fuckup. You're alive because you do have a purpose. If you didn't have a purpose you wouldn't be here right now." I told her softly, yet seriously.

"Maybe my purpose is to commit suicide." She snapped out. I knew she wasn't mad. She was hurt and bitter and I could see it in her eyes.

"No." I said sternly, "You have a better purpose than that. You're going to graduate, go to college; you're going to have a family someday Clary." I told her trying to get her to see. "I need you. You think no one does, but I do."

"It's not like if I died you would." Her voice was harsh.

I decided to just ignore her and continue talking, "There couldn't be a better human being than you. You're a great human being and someday you will come to realize that I promise. You'll realize just how special you are. I know you're afraid of getting hurt. You're afraid to let anyone in because those you did left you. They left the shell of who you used to be. You can be a new Clary now though; a stronger, wiser Clary who is loved. You're an amazing artist. That's something you're good at."

She still had tears running down her face and her eyes were closed. Clary was biting her lip again.

"I just hate myself." She whispered quietly. "I wish I could just… feel something other than hate. Hate for myself, for Valentine, for Jocelyn, Simon. I want to feel _something, _anything. All I feel is numb." She mumbled.

"I hate that I'm still breathing and Simon's dead. I thought maybe singing about it would get it off my chest, but I couldn't bring myself to do it in front of all those people, Jace! All of them judging me like they know me and their skeptical faces."

"Do you think singing would help you still, if it was just me listening to you?" I asked her softly caressing her soft face with my hand. I lowered my head and kissed her cheek, leaving my head there until she answered.

She didn't say anything and I started rubbing my nose along her jaw line, closing my eyes. "Yes." She said quietly.

I pulled back. Yes? I forgot for a moment what she was talking about before I realized that she was talking about the singing thing.

"I can't sing the same song though." She whimpered quietly.

"That's okay, sweetie, you can pick a different song." I told her gently.

Reluctantly I got off of her, letting her stand on the floor.

Hesitantly I reached out to grab her hand and she let me. I smiled pulling her closer to me and back down to the music room.

* * *

CPOV

As Jace and I walked to the music room hand in hand I was thinking of another song I could sing. I couldn't sing the same one, I needed to change it.

When we got in there I walked over to the piano and Jace sat beside me after I patted the spot next to me on the piano bench.

I'm not the best player in the world, but I did learn how to play this one song.

Sighing I let my fingers fly over the keys, and then started singing.

_Stay low._

_Soft, dark, and dreamless,_

_Far beneath my nightmares and loneliness._

_I hate me,_

_For breathing without you._

_I don't want to feel any more for you._

The nightmares I had after Simon died were awful. I used to wake up in a cold sweat yelling his name. Sometimes I still do, honestly. I just miss him so much and it was a horrifying thing. I really do hate myself for breathing without him, but I don't want to feel this pain anymore.

_Grieving for you,_

_I'm not grieving for you._

_Nothing real love can't undo,_

_And though I may have lost my way,_

_All paths lead straight to you._

I'm not done grieving for him. That's a lie; I am still grieving. I have lost my way. I'm not sure where I'm going anymore, but somehow I'll find my way back to Simon. I commit suicide: I find Simon, I go do something idiotic and die: I find Simon, I die naturally: I find Simon. No matter what I will always find him.

_I long to be like you,_

_Lie cold in the ground like you._

I wished for the longest time that I was dead like Simon; wondered what it would be like to be six feet in the ground cold and forgotten. Who am I kidding? I still do wish I was like Simon.

_Halo,_

_Blinding wall between us._

_Melt away and leave us alone again._

_The humming, haunted somewhere out there._

_I believe our love can see us through in death._

Death is a pretty blinding wall isn't? The thing though is that it can't melt away.

I feel my chest tighten up again and my throat start to burn. I know that the tears are coming, but this time I don't have to be ashamed and fight them away. I let them slowly fall down my face.

_I long to be like you,_

_Lie cold in the ground like you._

_There's room inside for two and I'm not grieving for you,_

_I'm coming for you._

I wish I was dead like Simon, lying in a nice little coffin six feet underground. I can't honestly say that I'm not grieving for him though because I still am. I will get to him though, eventually, some day.

_You're not alone,_

_No matter what they told you, you're not alone._

_I'll be right beside you forevermore._

I'm always here for you Simon. I'm never going to leave you. You'll never be alone Si.

_I long to be like you, Si,_

_Lie cold in the ground like you did._

_There's room inside for two and I'm not grieving for you._

I'm not sure how long I'll grieve for you Simon, but I'll never forget you I can promise you that.

The tears started coming in a steady stream down my face now by this point.

_And as we lay in silent bliss,_

_I know you remember me._

He still remembers me, I know he does.

_I long to be like you,_

_Lie cold in the ground like you._

_There's room inside for two and I'm not grieving for you,_

_I'm coming for you._

I stopped playing and sat there staring at the piano, tears falling down my cheeks.

I'd forgotten Jace was there until he wrapped his arms around me.

"I'll help you stop grieving Clary." He whispered pressing a delicate kiss to my cheek.

I just nodded my head simply, numbly.

"Do you want to go to bed?" He asked softly.

I just nodded my head again, lost with the feeling of missing Simon. I kind of became numb, tired of grieving and feeling sad and angry. I just numbed myself. I don't know how I do it, or why I do it when I do but it keeps the pain away I suppose.

Jace stood up and waited for me to get up too, but I couldn't force my feet to move. I couldn't make myself say anything.

"Come on." Jace wrapped his arms around my waist picking me up.

After a few weird seconds of Jace positioning my motionless body he was able to carry me bridal style to his room.

Once he had me picked up and situated I buried my face into his chest wrapping my arms around his neck, sniffling a little bit.

"It's okay, sweetie." He said gently pressing a soft kiss to the top of my head.

Once we got back into his room he delicately set me on his bed before climbing in himself.

As soon as he was lying down I snuggled into his side. I knew I was having a moment of weakness, but I needed comfort…

Jace easily complied wrapping his arms around my small waist while I lay my arms in the small gap between our bodies.

"Thank you Jace." I said softly to him looking up to see his face. He was already looking down at me.

"I'd do anything for you Clary." He said just as softly looking at me, an unknown emotion in his eyes.

He leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to my lips before moving his head back up and resting it right above mine his chin pressed against the top of my head.

My lips felt slightly tingly and my head felt confused. I didn't like Jace, but Jace liked me?

_No_, Jace just wants me to be his next one night stand.

I can't like Jace. Liking people only gets you hurt.

I was to out of it for this. I'll ponder this more tomorrow after I've rested for a little bit. I snuggled further into his chest and let the blissful feel of sleep envelope me in a blanket of darkness.

* * *

**To the Guest who said they believe I could be an author: Thank you. I appreciate that. :) I'm not an author in secret. If I ever do write a story I'll let you all know I'll be like, "Yo, I have story out." Haha. **

**Ashotonschocolatemilk: Thank you for all the reviews. You kept me up until one in the fucking morning. I really do appreciate how into this story you are though. :) The details of how you felt and the feelings you put into your reviews made me smile a lot. I sent you a PM saying I'd give you a shoutout and here it is. Guys because of this reviewer I ended up finishing this chapter at two this morning because I couldn't sleep waiting for the reviews to end.**

**Being in 8th grade it sucks that you know what cutting is. Honestly I feel like no one should ever have to experience cutting, anorexia, bulimia, suicidal thoughts, any of that until they're at least eighteen. People who are eleven are cutting and suicidal now. Back when I was in sixth grade I found out what cutting was. I didn't know anyone who did it, but I found out about it. Then when I was in seventh grade my friends were sixth graders. I had one who cut all the time, she was suicidal, and anorexic. She later became bulimic. I knew what it was. I wasn't ignorant of that. I used to be up all hours of the nights talking to her trying to get her not to kill herself. Nobody should feel the burden of having to keep someone alive and okay. Nobody should know what this shit is at that age. We get our ignorance stripped away from us at a young age because of problems in the world. I know some of you reading this know someone going through this or are going through this yourself. I can't tell you how many people I've had to talk to out of it. You can talk to me if you need to let it out or want some advice, if you know someone don't ignore the signs though. **

**Sorry about my preaching rant... You guys took me from ninety-five reviews to one-hundred-eighteen. reviews. Thank you for that. My goddamn mind has been blown once more. **

**So this chapter has come out very early... I hope you enjoy...**


	23. Chapter 23

**Okay, so it has been brought to my attention that some may think my story is good, but very depressing. I'm sorry if my story upsets you but I refuse to make my story peaches and cream in the snap of a finger. In a lot of fanfics they have a depressing thing happen, Jace tells Clary he loves her, and everything's better. That's not my story. I'm not making you read my story, it's your choice. You're reading this at your own will so it's not really my fault if it depresses you. I want this to be a realistic story. Dealing with depression fucking sucks and cutting and self-hate it's a bitch to deal with too. You'll have your good days and your bad days. I'm not trying to be a bitch if that's what you got out of this, just explaining. I'm not mad at anyone either, just trying to make you all understand. Sorry, here's the chapter now.**

* * *

JPOV

I just kissed Clary Fray. Albeit it was only a peck, but I still kissed her.

I was smiling like an idiot and I knew it. I kissed the top of her head once I was sure she was asleep.

Thinking back to what she said earlier I can't believe that she would say those things about herself. I can't fathom how she'd think it.

She's perfect. Clary's not a terrible person either.

I'm going to help her get over Simon. I promised her that. If that's one of the last things that I do I'll help her to get over Simon.

I guess she needs to talk to Izzy too. They really need to make up. I guess that was just a bad night for Clary. With what happened in music class, then me making her talk about it, and the idea that Izzy isn't as broke over Simon's death as she is.

I started rubbing circles onto her back lightly.

I'm going to help you get better Clary, I promise. You're not alone anymore.

I can't imagine what it must be like to be so full of hate that you feel like you need to cause yourself more pain.

If you're already in pain why would you want to put yourself in more pain? I don't understand why anyone would want to do that, especially when it could easily kill you.

Then again, maybe that's why some people cut. I don't understand suicide either. I don't understand why you would off yourself from things getting better. How can you feel so helpless in your own life that you would do that to yourself?

I wonder if Clary's ever thought of suicide.

I look down at her small sleeping figure. I don't think she could ever think about killing herself. I never thought she'd cut either though. Earlier she was saying her purpose might be to commit suicide though.

At that thought I tightened my arms around her sleeping form. I'm never going to let her try that. I'll always be around so she'll never be able to do that to herself. I don't want her to leave me.

She said I wouldn't die if she killed herself. I'm not going to say that I would die, but I honestly have no idea what I would do if she died.

It's hard to think about. Apart from my mom and died I've never really had anyone close to me die. I knew Simon, but I didn't know him at all like Izzy and Clary did. I was mean to Simon.

He wanted to tell Clary something and now she'll never find out what he wanted to say to her. It must be awful to love someone you loved but never got the chance to say it to them, but I can't imagine how much worse it would be to know that they had something important to tell you and then never being able to know.

Clary's still fighting this though.

I'm glad that she's actually eating more now though. She ate when we went out and when I've been with her she's been eating.

She's still really bony though. I can still feel all of her ribs and that worries me. I understand that people want to be skinny and stuff, but this is a little too much, okay, a lot too much in my opinion.

I bet she barely even weighs one hundred pounds, if even that much.

I don't understand why the kids at school bully her either. They don't know anything about her and they're always picking on her for the stupidest things like her beautiful red hair. I love her hair.

I remember back when her mom left her and the school found out they used to make fun of her for that. They call her all these names. People are always say that she's a cold hearted bitch and stuff and I don't understand it.

Maybe school is where she gets these terrible ideas of herself from.

Well, I'm going to make her see that those people are wrong because she's perfect just the way she is. She's one of the nicest people ever, and she's beautiful, and smart, and they're all telling her that she's the exact opposite of those.

"I'm going to help you Clary, I promise." I whispered to her before falling asleep.

* * *

When I woke up I could feel the body heat radiating off of Clary. My arms were still wrapped around her and she was still cuddled up into me.

I smiled and kissed her head.

"Clary, sweetie, wake up." I spoke softly rubbing her back.

She stirred a little, but didn't wake up.

"Clary wake up." I said again, this time a little louder.

She mumbled something unintelligible then said, "No."

"Come on, Clary. You can't just sleep the day away."

"It wouldn't be the first time." She muttered.

I sighed. "You're already awake, so why don't you get up?" I tried.

"Because I'm comfy." She stated plainly.

I smiled at her, "I thought you didn't like cuddling." I teased.

Her head snapped up and she glared at me, "Fine then. I'm going home."

"No!" I shouted and held onto her tightly.

"Then let me sleep!" She snapped back at me.

"Somebody's not a morning person." I teased smirking at her even though she couldn't see it.

"I have a headache you dick." She growled.

"Well, I do have one yes." I continued on with my teasing.

"Jace?" She asked in an overly sweet voice.

"What?" I asked, kind of nervous.

"If you don't want me to cut you, I would suggest you shut the hell up." She looked up at me with a really sweet smile on her face.

"What if I don't want to shut up?" I shot back.

She glared at me before putting her head back on my chest.

"I'll never let you spend the night again." She told me seriously.

I just laid my head back and shut my mouth staring up at the ceiling.

"Mhm, that's what I thought." She murmured falling back asleep.

I don't know why I let myself be pushed around by her. I guess because I know she actually will leave and that I don't want that to happen.

So I waited for about another half hour before waking her up again.

This time when I woke her up she was in a bit of a better mood.

"Do you still have a headache?" I asked quietly once she looked up at me.

She nodded her head once slowly, staring at me with her bright green eyes.

"Do you want some Motrin or anything?" I asked her.

"No." She answered quietly.

I started moving my hands up and down her back, looking at her face before speaking again.

"I think you should go make up with Izzy." I told her quietly.

She deflated a little bit, "I'm not good at apologizing." She muttered.

"I'm sure Izzy will forgive you. Just tell her you were having a bad day or something." I suggested.

"I'll go apologize." She said her voice flat.

Before she could get out of my bed I kissed her cheek. "You'll be fine." I smiled at her.

Her response was to roll her eyes which didn't surprise me at all.

I sat up on my bed and watch her leave to go make amends with Izzy.

* * *

CPOV

I hesitated once I reached Izzy's bedroom door. I wasn't really sure what to tell her.

Maybe just say that I was still upset over Simon and that I'm sorry for being irrational?

I guess I'm still being irrational because I'm worried of what she'll say back to me. Maybe she'll hate me now, and tell me to fuck off. I guess it wouldn't be that bad, right?

Taking a deep breath I knocked on her door. What if she's not even awake? What time is it anyways? Why'd Jace w-

"Come in." Izzy called. Well there goes that train of thought.

I stepped in slowly shutting the door behind me.

Izzy was laying on her stomach on top of her bed looking at some magazine. She looked up once I entered the room.

I just leaned back against her door frame not sure what to say to her.

"Hey, Iz." I tried.

"Hi." She said uncertainly eyeing me.

"I'm sorry about the other night-" I started off before she cut me off.

"Whatever, it's fine." She snapped.

"It's not fine, Izzy." She went to cut me off again, but I held my hand up to silence her. "I had a bad day that day and I know I shouldn't have taken it out on you, but I did. I had a bad time in music because memories of Simon came flooding back to me, and then Jace made me talk about what happened that day with him and it just brought back all the memories of how happy you two were and how happy I was with both of you, and I guess seeing you happy with another guy…. It just hurt. I don't want you to forget Simon. I don't want him to be gone." I whispered the last part and tears started to gather in my eyes.

"Oh Clary." Izzy held out her arms, "Come here." I walked over to her bed and sat down beside Izzy and she wrapped her arms around me.

"I miss him too." She whispered, "I was so happy with him and it hurt so much when he died. I didn't know why he had to die. It's not fair! I guess we can't really change that though. I thought maybe going on a date would help me move on from Simon. I don't want to be tied down anymore Clary. I just want to move on and let go of the past. I think you need to also." She told me softly.

I didn't agree. I didn't want to move on completely. I didn't feel tied down. I mean, I do want to move on, but not yet. I don't want to let him go just yet.

I just nodded my head so I wouldn't start another argument.

"I'm going to go home." I told her softly, wiping my eyes.

"Alright, Clare. I'll see you at school, okay?"

"Yeah, I'll see you Iz." I gave her a small smile.

"Bye Clary." She kissed my cheek before I stood up.

"Bye Izzy." I said before leaving her room to head home.

IPOV

* * *

I can't believe Jace made Clary talk about it! Even I haven't heard what exactly happened that day.

I'm glad Clary and I made up, but now that I know Jace was part of the reason that she was upset? Oh hell no. Jace is about to get an ear full from me.

I do want to move on from Simon though, just like I told Clary.

I thought dating would be good for me since Simon was gone. I miss him too, don't get me wrong, but I can't let his death dictate my life.

I got off of my bed and walked over to Jace's room not bothering to knock on the door before I walked in. He was laying on his back staring at the ceiling, his arms folded under his head.

"Jonathon Lightwood!" I yelled at him.

He shot up into a sitting position looking startled.

"Jeez! What Izzy?" He yelled back at me.

"Why did you make Clary talk about what happened with Simon?" I shouted back at him.

"I found Clary asleep outside during sixth period. She was upset over Simon and so I asked her to talk to me about it while we were on that double date. I don't see what the problem is." He said bluntly.

"Well it upset her! I haven't even heard the whole story with what happened with Simon!" I snapped at him. How could Clary tell him, but not me? I was her friend longer than Jace was, "She's not your friend Jace so just leave her alone, okay? She's my friend and you can't just take her away from me." I told him.

"I'm not taking her away, Iz. I'm just being a friend to her." He told me calmly.

"I just wish she'd talk to me." I told him defeated. "I've known her longer than you and she's suddenly telling you these things that she hasn't told me? It's not fair, I've known her longer." I know I sounded childish, but why should she trust Jace and not me?

"Just give her some time Iz. She'll come around I promise." He told me sincerely.

I smiled at him and walked over to his bed.

"Thanks Jace." I said quietly while I hugged him.

He hugged me back, "No problem Izzy. You'll understand soon enough. I promise. You just have to wait first."

* * *

**Are we happy now that Izzy and Clary made up? **

**I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. I'm kind of brain dead right now, so it's a so so chapter. **

**I think I'm done with my long ass AN just so you guys don't have to worry about those anymore. This is my last one until I get all explaining about shit again. Sorry for those two. **

**Thanks for reading and reviewing guys. You all make me smile. :)**


	24. Chapter 24

CPOV

When I finally got home my headache was pretty much gone.

I'm glad Izzy and I made up now, even though I don't agree with what she said at all. I want to move on from Simon, yes, but I don't want to move on just yet. There's so much that I need to know, and I can't just let him go.

Looking around the house I realize Valentine still wasn't home yet.

I wonder when he's going to come home this time. Last time he disappeared for this long he was out getting completely shit faced. He came home plastered. He came home about two days after the school shooting. He didn't even realize that it had happened.

I walked back to my room and lay down on my bed staring at the ceiling. I remember coming home from school with Simon doing this so many times. We'd just come in here, lay on my bed staring at the ceiling, and we would talk for hours.

We'd talk about his relationship with Isabelle, Valentine being gone, my mom leaving me. I remember one day when I was younger and my mom had left about a week ago.

_-Flashback -_

_I was sitting on my bed thinking about why my mom had left me, kids at school were telling me that my mom hated me and I was a freak. Not even my mom loved me. _

_I ran home crying after school that day. _

"_Why does my mom hate me, Simon?" I yelled desperately, tears falling down my face._

_Simon was standing beside my bed looking at me. "You're mom doesn't hate you Clary. She just left, she'll be back though. She pinky promised." Simon had tried reasoning with me. _

"_The kids at school are right Simon!" I cried hopelessly, "I'm a freak and my mommy hates me! She left me with daddy and I never see him!" I wailed. Valentine wasn't home at the time. _

"_Hey, hey, calm down, Clary." Simon walked over to me and wrapped his arms around my shoulders." _

_"I want my mommy." I hiccuped to him. My face was blotchy and I had tears running down my cheeks. _

_Simon laid down on his back pulling me with him wrapping his arms around me, "She'll be back, Clare-bear, she promised she would be." He said again._

_I looked up at him, "She hates me Simon. Didn't you hear the kids at school? They all told me that she hated me because she left and they were right! I am a freak, just like they said! My mommy doesn't even love me." I cried desperately. _

"_Well, I'll always love you Clare-bear." Simon told me with a smile._

_I looked at him confused, "Really?" I asked him quietly my voice cracking from crying. _

"_Forever and always." He smiled squeezing me a little closer to him. _

"_Thank you Simon." I whispered burying my head into his chest where I continued to cry. _

"_I'll always be here for you, Clare. I promise." He whispered laying his head on top of mine, holding me while I cried over my mom. _

_-End of Flashback-_

Simon promised then he'd never leave me, I thought bitterly, but he did. He died. I should have taken the bullet instead of him.

It hit Simon though, not me.

I remember when I had wanted to start cutting because Valentine hated me and I wasn't allowed to eat, and the bullies at school, and Jocelyn leaving was all getting to me.

_-Flashback-_

_Simon and I were walking to my house after school._

"_Are you okay, Clare?" Simon asked looking at me closely as we walked, "You've been really quite and down lately." His voice was concerned as he eyed me._

_I shrugged my shoulders. _

"_C'mon Clare." He wrapped an arm around my shoulder, "What's wrong? You can always talk to me about anything!" _

"_Si?" I started out timidly as we reached my house._

_We stopped on the porch and Simon turned to look at me with his big brown eyes._

"_What is it Clary?" He asked me worriedly. _

_I sat down on the steps and stared at the lawn thinking about whether or not I actually wanted to tell Simon that I was thinking about cutting. He was my best friend so why shouldn't I? Maybe because I knew at the time he would have talked me out of it. _

"_I want to start cutting…" I said quietly, sadly._

_Simon plopped down next to me, "Have you started?" He asked me looking at me as I continued staring at the lawn. _

"_Not yet." I replied my voice flat, "But I want to." I glanced over at him before quickly glancing away._

"_You can't do that Clary, why would you want to?" _

"_Because Valentine hates me, Jocelyn left me, and everybody at school hates me!" I snapped turning to glare at him._

"_Clary" He started calmly, "I never want to see you in that much pain. You can't let people win this battle against you. You're a strong person and I know you can do it. You won't ever be alone because you have me. I promise to help you." He smiled at me wrapping his around my shoulders and pulling me close t him._

_I looked at him numbly, "I don't see what's so wrong with it…" I mumbled._

"_You'll be hurting yourself, that's what is wrong with it. You'll also be hurting me because I hate to see my best friend in so much pain. I'm not going to allow you to be in that much pain that you feel the only way to deal with it is with pain." He stated with authority. _

_I sighed defeated, "Okay, Si." I rested my head on his shoulder staring out at the yard again._

"_You have to promise me that you'll never cut okay Clary? I don't want that for you." _

_I picked my head up to look at him before nodding my head. _

"_Good." He gave me a wide grin and opened his arms wide, ready to envelope me in a hug._

_-End of Flashback-_

Well guess what Si, you and Jocelyn aren't the only people who can break promises!

You two broke your promises to me, and I can break my promises too. Promises don't mean anything. People make them so that they can break them. That's all promises are for. They're for breaking.

Sighing I rolled onto my side. I wish my parents loved me. I wish I still had Simon. I wish I didn't screw everything up.

All of a sudden the doorbell rang.

Slowly, I got off my bed and headed towards the front door taking as much time as possible assuming it was just Jace.

I stopped at the front door hesitating to open it. I wasn't really sure I wanted to deal with him right now. I can't ever get him to leave either so it'd be pretty pointless to open the door if I just wanted to tell him to leave.

Maybe if I just don't open the door then Jace will get the message and go away.

With that decided I turned away from the door about to head back to my room when the doorbell rang again.

"Hello, Miss Fray?" A voice called out.

Cautiously I turned back to the door and cracked it open, outside stood two police officers.

"Yes sir?" I opened the door a little wider nervously tugging down my sleeves.

What if they were going to stick me in a mental hospital or something?

"I'm sorry miss, but you have to come with us to the police station." The one who spoke had graying hair and brown eyes. He was tall and had a muscular frame.

The man behind him was slender and had blue eyes. His hair was a dark brown.

The one with gray hair spoke again, "I'm Officer Johnson." He told me kindly.

Officer Johnson proceeded to point to his fellow Officer and say, "This is Officer Mason."

I nodded eyeing them warily.

"How long will I be at the station?" I asked quietly looking Officer Johnson in the eye.

"You can pack a small bag if you'd like." He told me.

I nodded my head; I'll be there for a while. I silently shut the door and headed to pack a small bag. I grabbed my pills, sketchpad, pencils, iPod, and razor blades, just in case.

Once I finished I headed back to the door taking one last look at the house before joining the two officers in the car.

The ride to the station was silent; the three of us not speaking to each other.

Once we got there I sat in one of the chairs while Officer Johnson took a seat behind his desk.

He clasped his hands together setting them on the desk in front of him; he leaned forward slightly.

"Miss Fray," He started, "We found your father Valentine Morgenstern dead this morning."

I furrowed my eyebrows at him. Dead? They found Valentine dead? That's not possible! I wasn't sure how to react so I just sat there watching, waiting for him to continue.

"He died of alcohol poisoning." He said solemnly.

I started laughing. Of course he died from alcohol poisoning. Of course he didn't care enough to stay on this world with me. He hated me and now he got what he wanted: to be away from me. Now I truly am alone in this world. Simon's gone, my mother fucking left, and my dad is dead. Perfect. Just fucking perfect.

"Are you okay Miss Fray?" The Officer asked me uncertainly.

"I'm fine." I snapped reality setting in. I'm all alone.

"We did a check to see if we could find your mother, and we did." My ears perked up at this. The bitch who left me has been found? "She was in an accident last year and has passed away." He finished.

Of course, she had all these years to come and get me and she just died. Where the hell am I supposed to go now?

"She did remarry though."

"What?" I yelled at him. "She left me so she could marry someone else? What does he even have to do with anything?" I snapped.

"Well Clary, you can either go live with him or be put into the foster system since no other family members were found." He told me.

I don't even know the man! I can either go with the man that took my mother away or leave permanently. I didn't really want to leave Izzy behind. Maybe I could go live with this man and stay with the Lightwoods during the school week.

Who am I kidding; I don't know that this man would do that. Chances are though he lives closer than any foster home.

"I'll live with my step-dad." I told Officer Johnson.

"Okay, Clary. I'll give him a call and he can come and fill out paperwork to come and get you." I nodded my head and stood up to leave his office.

"Where's the bathroom?" I asked looking at him.

"It's just down this hall and on the right." He said to me.

I nodded my head and left.

Once I got into the bathroom I went into a stall door and locked it. I pulled my razors out of my bag and pulled my shirt up.

I was furious. I hated myself and the unwanted tears were starting to come to me.

I made one slice under my belly button. Valentine hates me. I cut just below that one. Jocelyn hates me. I made another one just below that. Simon left me.

There were already cuts all over my stomach; a few more wouldn't make a difference.

I kept cutting until I felt a little bit calmer.

When I was done I grabbed some toilet paper and held it to my stomach. It took a while for it to stop bleeding but once it did I flushed the toilet paper down the toilet and left the stall pulling my shirt down.

Before exiting the bathroom I splashed some cool water on my face.

I left the bathroom to go sit in the waiting room for my step-dad to come get me.

I really need to let Izzy know. I dialed her number, but it went straight to voice mail.

Maybe she's with Jace. I called him and he answered on the second ring.

JPOV

I had just gotten in my car to go for a drive when my phone started ringing. When I saw that the caller ID said it was Clary I answered immediately.

"Hey Clare, what's up?" I asked casually.

"Are you with Izzy?" She asked quietly.

"No not right now, why? Are you alright?" I asked her concerned. She sounded like she was upset.

"I just needed to tell Izzy that Valentine's dead, and I have to go move in with my step-dad." She told me softly.

"Why?" I shouted. "Where are you?"

"My mom's dead as of last year, and I'm at the police station waiting for my step-dad to come pick me up."

"I'm heading over there right now, Clary." I told her before hanging up and pulling out of the driveway.

* * *

**Just another reminder that I have school starting the 18th and won't be updating as much. I will absolutely not update on Tuesdays and Friday due to band practice and playing at the football games. I'll also be traveling a lot for competitions in band and then there's choir if I make All Region again. Just so you know why my updates may become infrequent**

**You guys wanna give me ten more reviews? I know you can do it, I've seen you all do it before. **

**I'll try to update again, but no promises. I'm lacking inspiration right now. **


	25. Chapter 25

CPOV

By the time Jace arrived I was really numb. I didn't really care about what was happening. Am I a terrible daughter because I don't feel any remorse about my parent's deaths? Probably. Should I feel something? More than likely. Should I be crying? That's what most people do, so probably.

I wasn't about to cry for two people who hated me though. If they hated me who's to say my step-dad would care about me?

If anything he'll hate me just like everyone else does. That wouldn't surprise me honestly, is that sad?

I'm just used to everyone hating me, so it wouldn't come as much of a shock.

I was looking down playing with my hands in my lap when Jace finally got to the station.

He kneeled down in front of me grabbing my chin with one hand and making me look at him, "Are you okay?" He asked concern in his voice.

"I'm fine." I told him softly. I was, I already accepted the fate that my dear old step-dad would hate me, and I'd be transferred schools. Simple as that.

"When are you leaving?" He asked staring intently into my eyes.

I shrugged my shoulders, looking down with my eyes, "Whenever step-dad gets here." I informed him.

"Wait, you don't even know his name?"

Now that I thought about it I guess I didn't, "I suppose Officer Johnson just forgot that part." I murmured.

"Do you want me to wait with you for your step-dad to show up?" He asked me.

"If you want to I guess." I said nonchalantly.

He stood up and sat next to me. Once seated next to me he went to grab my jacket sleeve.

I slapped his hand.

Hard.

The few people in here looked over at us give me weird looks. I looked down my face flushing in embarrassment.

"Not here Jace." I muttered quietly to him my head still down.

"Well did you?" He questioned me sternly.

I looked up at him, "No." I lied, as what I felt, smoothly.

"Liar." He muttered.

"Hey!" I protested giving his shoulder a playful shove.

"That's not something to lie about Clary." He snapped his gaze mad.

I furrowed my eyebrows together at him in confusion. Why was Jace suddenly angry with me? I tilted my head to the side and looked at him.

"I'm sorry, Clare." He murmured pulling me to him, "I'm just worried because you're leaving and now I won't be able to make sure you're okay. I know what it's like to have both of your parents die, and I know how you cope with things. I don't want to know you're in that much pain and that you won't want to call me and talk to me when you're upset."

I opened my mouth to protest when he continued.

"I know you're a strong girl who can take of herself, but everyone needs somebody Clary. You needed Simon and now you don't have him anymore. It's okay to not be okay all the time. We all get hurt and have weaknesses it's part of human nature-"

I cut him off, "Human nature is stupid. It'd be better if we weren't so vulnerable to pain." I scoffed. He ignored me.

"I want to be the person you lean on Clary. I want you to know that when you're fighting against everything else, I'm here for you. I can be your rock like Simon was. I want to hold you when you're crying, and I want you to talk to me when something's on your mind no matter what." He told me earnestly.

I looked him in the eye. Searching for whether he was lying to me or not. I couldn't find anything other than sincerity in his golden eyes. My eyes searched his for a moment longer. I didn't know what to say so I just hugged him. He hugged me back without hesitation.

"Thank you Jace, but I'm not ready to let go of Simon yet." I whispered my face resting on his shoulder.

"I'm not asking you too. I'm just asking you let me help you when you're ready for that."

I pulled back from him, his arms stayed around me though, and I looked him in the eye again. A few tears slipped out of my eyes because no one had ever said anything like that to me except maybe Simon.

He pulled me back to him and hugged me again.

"Thank you." I whispered one more time as he stroked my hair, holding me close.

* * *

After Jace and I had stopped hugging we sat there quietly waiting for my step-dad to arrive.

"How long until he gets here?" Jace asks me.

I glance over at him, "No clue." I tell him while shrugging my shoulders.

Jace stands up and starts stretching his back, "This chair is killing my back!" He says exasperatedly.

"You can always leave." I point out.

"I told you I'd stay with you until your step-dad got here." Jace informs me, "And you aren't getting rid of me until you are in his car."

"Why are you so damn stubborn?" I asked him.

He walked back over and sat down in the chair next to mine again, "Because, maybe it'll prove to you that I care. I'm here for you Clary and there's nothing you can do to get rid of me."

I just smiled up at him.

Jace grabbed my hand, which startled me at first, but I decided I'd let him hold my hand this once because he is so upset about my leaving.

He glanced at me in surprise. I guess he was expecting me to take my hand back, and I probably would have, but he's upset so I'll let him this one time.

I didn't turn to look at him, I just stared around the police station.

I dropped my head onto the back of the chair. I have this whole room freaking memorized. I'm not sure how long I've been here, and I'm tired.

I closed my eyes and tried to block out the noise, but I couldn't do it. Sighing I picked my head back up, Jace was staring at me.

"What?" I asked.

"Are you tired?"

I nodded my head quietly.

"You're never going to be able to sleep in that chair like that." He told me like it was an obvious fact.

I rolled my eyes, "I was just going to lie down on the floor and take a nap there instead of this nice lovely chair." I said sarcastically, I don't think Jace caught onto it though.

"Why would you want to sleep on the floor?" He asked confused his eyebrows furrowing together.

"It's called sarcasm Jace." I patted his arm smiling.

"Whatever" He mumbled, "Well here you can lean against me so you can take a nap." He offered.

I thought about it. It'd be better than no nap.

"Okay." I told him quietly.

He let go of my hand and wrapped his arm around my shoulder pulling me closer so my head rested on his side. I curled my feet up onto the chair while he grabbed my hand again with his other hand.

"Have a nice nap Clare." He kissed the top of my head, running his hand up and down my arm.

* * *

JPOV

I looked down at Clary as she slept. She looked so much happier and peaceful when she was asleep. She looked like she didn't have a problem and she seemed innocent and vulnerable, like she should.

She builds up those walls she has and she shuts everyone out. Not showing that she has emotions. I've heard kids at school call her heartless because she doesn't ever show any emotion. She does have them though. They're just harder to find.

She acts like nothing anyone says could ever hurt her, but I see the way the words affect her. I see the pain in her eyes before she masks it over.

Now she's leaving. She's leaving to live with a step-dad she's never met. Hell, she doesn't even know the man's name!

I can't say that I'm going to miss Valentine. I never met him, but Clary said that he hated her so he can't have been that great of a father.

I know she's cut, but I guess she's right. I can't really check here. We're out in public at a police station.

I probably should have told Maryse where I was going. She knew I was going out, but I wasn't going to be gone for that long. Now I'm not sure how long I'm going to be here.

Maybe I should send her a text? Yeah, I'll send her a text.

_I'm at the police station with Clary. Her dad just passed away, and she just found out her mom's dead too. We're waiting for her step-dad to show up and get her. –J _

I put my phone away and looked around the station. We'd already been here for about an hour. People have come and go and it was pretty empty now.

I felt my phone buzz and pulled it out to be greeted with a text from Maryse.

_That's terrible! Is she doing okay now? –M_

I responded quickly.

_Yeah, she was a little upset when I got here. She's taking a nap now though. –J_

_I hope everything goes well for her. She's such a sweet kid. –M_

_I hope so too, mom. –J _

She doesn't need to be in anymore pain than she already is.

Maybe Clary will at least text me when she's gone. I don't want to lose her completely. I wouldn't feel complete not having her with me. I've already started to miss her when I wake up alone in the morning.

I'm already accustomed to having her beside me, isn't that sad?

Maybe I could go drive to her house and see her every weekend. That would be nice. Maybe she won't completely shut me out of her life.

That thought put a smile on my face and I grinned down at her sleeping form.

I need to get her to talk to Izzy soon. Isabelle seems so upset that Clary doesn't tell her anything. It hurts Izzy to think that Clary doesn't completely trust her, but she trusts me.

Well, I guess Clary doesn't trust me. I forced her to tell me what was wrong. I pushed her until she did. I probably shouldn't have pushed her. Some people need pushing; others crack under the pressure of being pushed.

It's a sensitive thing I guess. I don't know why. I just know that some people need a little bit of pushing to talk and others need their space because you just _can't _push them.

Clary may keep in contact with Izzy if she leaves which is a good thing. I mean the first person she called _was_ Izzy. Where is she anyhow? Did she go out with Sebastian again? Maybe. I don't know, I don't take that much interest in what she usually does.

Maybe Izzy was just taking a shower and that's why she missed Clary's call. I really need to pay more attention to what my siblings do.

Clary doesn't really know Alec all that well. They're friendly with each other sure, but they're not close like she is with Izzy. Then I just kind of forced my way into her life.

Oh well.

Clary started to stir in my arms.

She opened her eyes drowsily and looked up at me.

"Good evening." I smiled at her. I kissed the top of her head and she closed her eyes again, "Have a good nap?" I asked her, she opened her eyes again to look at me.

"Yeah, it was fine. The chair is killing my back though." She smiled up at me.

"You want to stretch then?" I asked her.

She got a look on her face that said she was thinking about it then she said in a whiney voice, "I don't want to stand up."

"Come on I'll stretch with you. My back is killing me too." I stood up and offered her my hand.

She grabbed it and stood up to stretch. I smiled at her, "Feel better now?"

"Only a little bit." She responded.

"I'm just ready to meet my step-dad and get this over." She looked down when she said that.

I hugged her, "Are you still going to talk to me when you're with him?" I asked not letting go of her. She wrapped her arms around my waist hugging me back.

"If you want me to." She told me softly.

I scoffed, "Of course I want you to." I pushed her away from me slightly, keeping my arms around her, so I could look into her eyes.

She looked back at me, "Then I guess I'll text you." She said with a small smile.

I grinned and felt a pure amount of happiness that she wouldn't be shutting me out. She would still talk to me and maybe if she was okay with talking to me then I could go see her.

I'll be able to live through this. It'll just be a little harder to hang out with her now, but she's worth all of the trouble it could possibly take to keep in contact with her.

Clary turned around walking to take her seat once again.

I grabbed her hand rubbing my thumb in soothing circles over her knuckles.

About five minutes later a man came in with white hair and black eyes. I looked over at Clary because she tightened her grip on my hand.

"What is it?" I ask her.

"He looks similar to Valentine. It's weird." She murmured not focusing on what I was saying.

He talked to the person at the desk and walked back to the offices.

He came back out about half an hour later. He walked over to us with an officer.

"Clary, this is your step-dad: Jonathon Fairchild."

"Thank you Officer Johnson." Clary's step-dad said eyeing Clary.

Clary looked up at him with a look of confusion on her face.

"You're-" She choked a little bit, "You're my step-dad?" She asked uncertainly.

"Yes, Clarissa. Are you ready to head to your new home now?" He asked her politely.

Clary nodded her head mutely. Officer Johnson left back to his office, I'm assuming.

Clary stood up stiffly. She turned to look at me, "Bye Jace." She smiled a little bit.

I wrapped my arms around her, "Goodbye sweetie." I kissed her head and let her go to the man she was now going to leave with.

Something seemed off about him. I'm not sure what it was, but I didn't feel too good about him.

He looked at me for a second before placing his hand on the small of Clary's back to usher her out of the police station.

She turned her head to look at just as was about to exit the door. I did the gesture to "call me" with my hand winking at her.

She smiled a little before turning around again to follow Jonathon out.

My heart sank a little as I watched her head of fiery red curls disappear. This could very possibly be the last time I see her in a while. That thought caused my heart to drop.

What if she didn't call me or text me like she said she would? What if she has nothing to do with me now that she's with her step-dad.

I shook those thoughts from my head. Don't be ridiculous Jace! I scolded myself.

Clary will call.

Clary will text.

This won't be the last time that I see Clary.

I won't let it be.

* * *

**Thanks for the reviews guys. **

**Okay Jocelyn's maiden name is Fray which is what Clary started going by because she didn't want to use her dad's last name. (Just internal problems) and her step-dads name is Fairchild. Sorry I never explained her maiden name stuff. That complicated shit.**

**Question: Is it just me that kind of hates this story? I think it's kind of sucky. :\ Now it may just be my negative self kicking in. My friend is always telling me to stop being so negative about everything I do, but I kinda hate my story. Like I said I just think it sucks and it may just be me being negative. What do you guys think?**


	26. Chapter 26

**Sorry for being a total bitch guys. I wasn't home Monday and then I got sick during preseason almost puke all that fun shit, passing out. Didn't feel too great when I got home, but I think a break is really just what I needed. I'm feeling a bit better about writing again, not so brain dead now.**

* * *

CPOV

It turns out Jonathon lived only about a half hour away from where I live. Well I suppose I should say _lived_ because now that Valentine's dead I don't really live their anymore.

Jonathon let me stop by the house so I could pack up my clothes, phone charger, and art supplies that I would need at his house. I brought my bag and the school supplies I had in it too of course.

It wasn't so bad living with Jonathon. He didn't really talk to me, but that was better than being yelled at and called horrible names all the time.

I hadn't gone to school yet, Jonathon had been too busy with work to really go and get me enrolled. I was kind of dying of boredom, but hey it's not really that important I guess.

I've been with Jonathon for about five days now and we were heading over to the school to go and get me enrolled now. I'd be going to school on Monday.

The ride over there was silent; neither Jonathon nor I spoke a single word as we drove to the school.

Once he parked the car we walked silently into the school and to the office to enroll me.

It didn't take to incredibly long.

We rode back to the house in the same silence.

Jonathon told me he was going to drop me off at home and head out for a little while. I nodded my head silently as we approached his, I mean _our, _home. That's such a weird thought. I don't really consider this to be my home.

Then again I didn't consider the home I lived in with Valentine a home either. Maybe I just don't belong anywhere.

Simon belonged, Izzy belongs, and Jace belongs. Everyone but me seems to fit in somewhere. No matter what I can never fit in no matter where I go.

Sighing I looked out the window as we pulled into the driveway.

"Bye Jonathon." I said quietly as I got out of the car.

As I was closing the door he spoke and I looked at him, "Goodbye Clary. I'll be home late so don't wait up for me." He gave me a smile, but it didn't seem to reach his eyes; none of his smiles ever did.

I gave him a tight smile back and closed the door walking up the steps to the house.

It was a big house and had a nice lawn. The porch has a small porch swing on it on one side with a small table next to it. I like to go sit over there and draw during the mornings or evenings, or whenever I want to draw really.

It was a two story house and pretty big, bigger than my last one. I wasn't allowed to explore the rooms down stairs. I could go in a few of the rooms, but some of them were off limits.

Upstairs there were six rooms, I think. Mine was the farthest back and had two windows. It was a wide open space; it had a bed, desk, bookshelf, and a bathroom attached to it.

It is a nice house, and I am definitely not complaining.

I should probably call Jace or at least text him, I did promise, and I'm not one to go back on it. It's just hard to adjust to something so new and it's taking a while to get accustomed to it.

I do miss Jace a little bit. He was good company and usually put a smile on my face. It would be a lie if I said I didn't miss him at all. I do, just a little bit.

No, I'm not "in love" with Jace I just like him, as a friend that it is.

That thought brings a small smile to my lips. I'm not really a friend person, I'm just a quiet girl and I can be rude, and sarcastic. I had a few problems with retaliating at my school, old school I scolded myself, when I would retort back with insults after being insulted myself. I stopped doing that though after so long.

Nobody ever picked fist fights with me. Maybe they knew that I would fight back and not lie down like I do, _did,_ with their verbal assaults.

Jace has been texting me and calling me a lot. Telling me about what's going on in school trying to check on me and all that stuff.

I think I've talked to Isabelle once. She seemed like she was doing well, but it was kind of awkward. Isabelle's just an awkward person when you talk on the phone to her. She's not so awkward when she's texting though. I've been texting her a little bit every now and then.

Jace, on the other hand, I've just kind of been avoiding. I don't really have a reason why I just can't really bring myself to talk to him. Yes it is hard to get settled into this new life, that _is_ part of the reason, but there's another part that I'm just not sure about.

I headed upstairs to my bedroom to go and draw. That was always a good thing to do when there was nothing better to be done.

* * *

JPOV

I had been an absolute wreck without Clary. I felt so bored, so alone, without her. Normally when I had nothing else to do I could just pop by her house and go hang out with her, or at least text her, but she hasn't responded to any of my phone calls.

School had been boring. I didn't really like any of the girls there, so it wasn't fun. I always looked forward to lunch when I could at least go and _see_ Clary. I haven't seen her since she left five days ago. I think this is the longest I've gone without talking to her since we started talking.

I missed falling asleep with her, and waking up with her. She was really all that was occupying my mind lately. It's pretty bad.

Izzy told me she's been talking to Clary on and off lately which kind of stung. I guess this is how Isabelle felt when Clary told me about things that she hadn't told her. I now understand why Izzy was so upset because now _I _was the one who was upset.

God, sometimes I'm such a girl!

Kids at school had been saying God awful things since Clary left. Things like Clary drove both her parents to suicide and how it would be better if she was just the one who killed herself, her parents didn't love her, that she killed her best friend and was causing anyone close to her problems, the world would be better off without her, that they hoped her step-dad would just aband her.

It was hard to keep my mouth shut when I heard those things. I'm kind of glad that Clary wasn't here to hear those things that people were saying about her. I told her that things were going great at school, leaving her voicemail messages about absolutely nothing, just hoping that maybe she'd call back.

She hasn't though.

Iz told me that Clary was doing fine; she was just having a hard time getting settled into her new house. She's not going to be going to school with us, but at a new school close by where Jonathon lives.

Isabelle told me that Clary lived about half an hour away, but she didn't say exactly where Clary lived. I wish Clary had told her because I would have gone over to her house as soon as I was out of school when I wasn't busy, but maybe that was exactly why she hadn't told Isabelle where she lived.

Could she possibly be going back on her promise she made to me at the police station? Was it silly of me to be clinging to that one small promise?

Everyone breaks promises; maybe she said that to get me off of her back.

I couldn't stand it though and picked up my phone to call her again. I started pacing back and forth in my room while I waited to see if she would answer.

She declined my call. That meant she was with her phone. I called her again.

She still didn't answer.

I gave up after four more tries.

Sighing I laid down on my bed when my phone started ringing. I didn't bother checking the caller ID.

"Hello." I said glumly.

"Well for someone who wouldn't quit calling me you sound awfully glum when I do call you back." Clary's bright voice made my ears perk up and caused a smile to fall onto my face.

"Hey there." I said with a lot more enthusiasm.

Clary laughed slightly causing my smile to get even bigger. Why was I so happy to be talking to Clary? I've never been interested in talking really, if you understand what I mean, let alone talk to a girl _often._

"Do you want something Jace?" She asked me.

I deflated a little at her tone, "You promised to call me or at least text me. You could have at least sent me a text telling me that you were okay! I was worried about you Clary. I didn't know how you were settling into your new life and then you call and text Izzy but-" She cut me off.

"Is that jealousy I detect in the voice of THE Jace Lightwood?" She asked me smugly laughing. I could only imagine the smirk on her face.

I got defensive, "No! I just didn't want you to break your promise! You promised to talk to me and you know of all people what it's like to have promises broken and how it sucks!" I snapped embarrassed by her accusation.

I suddenly regretted saying that. I only said it because I was flustered, but the silence that consumed us was suffocating. I over stepped the line and I knew it. I shouldn't have brought her mom into this. In a way I also brought Simon into it and I regretted it.

"Don't you dare ever say anything like that to me again, you fucking prick!" Clary screamed at me.

I flinched at her words.

"I can't believe I ever told you anything! You haven't changed one bit! You're still a fucking prick, and I bet you'll never change! You'll always be a manwhore who will never care about anyone else's feelings! You can stop calling me Jace. You can stop texting me. I'm not going to be another one of your escapades! I'm not like the rest of your skanks so you can just go fuck off!" She continued yelling.

"Clary! Clary, listen to me! I didn't mean to say that I'm so-" She cut me off again.

"I don't want to hear any more of your crap Jace! Just forget it, go hook up with Aline or someone! I can't believe I let you in."

"I'm sorry I fucked up! I don't want to lose what we had Cla-" I hurried to explain only to be cut off by Clary once again.

"What we had was nothing." Her tone went from infuriated to quiet, cold, and brittle.

I felt my heart pause for a second. "What?" I spluttered.

"What we had was nothing to me. It was absolutely nothing to me." She told me coldly, her voice void of any other emotion.

"How could you say that? It meant something to me." I argued.

"Well that's nice. It's always about you isn't it? It's what you have to say and who it will affect doesn't mean anything! I wouldn't be surprised if you already told the whole fucking school about me! It wouldn't surprise me because that's exactly the type of person you are Jace! You don't feel anything, so don't tell me that it meant anything to you! How many hearts have you broken? How many girls virginity have you taken? How many people have you slept with, hooked up with?"

I didn't have an answer for her; I couldn't speak, I lost my voice feeling my heart clench at her words.

"That's what I thought." She said quietly, "Don't fucking call or text me again, Jace. I mean it."

Before I could say anything else she hung up on me. I knew this would happen. I was an idiot for saying that. It was a sensitive subject for her and I knew it was.

It scared me how her voice became so cold and emotionless in mere seconds though. Goddammit I'm an idiot!

I wasn't going to call her back though. What we had meant nothing to her.

I picked up my phone and called Aline, just like Clary suggested.

"Jace?" Aline's annoying voice came through the phone.

"Do you want to hook up at your house tonight?" I knew I shouldn't be doing this because I was mad, but Clary had her way of dealing with problems and I had mine. So what?

There was a few seconds of silence, "Wanna come over in half an hour?" She prompted.

"Yeah, I'll be there." Then I hung up and got ready.

I could feel my heart clenching as the minutes went by. This is why I never bothered with feelings. They're a bitch, and you only hurt those close to you.

I kept watching my phone waiting for Clary to call me, tell me that she didn't mean what she said, that it _did_ matter because I couldn't bear the thought of it meaning nothing to her. I wanted her to call me, so I could call it off with Aline.

She never called.

Once I was done getting ready I drove over to Aline's house.

I knocked on her door my face void of any emotion. She smiled at me once I arrived. Opening the door to let me in then took my hand leading me up to her bedroom.

She grinned even wider at me before pushing me down on her bed I smirked at her as she started to climb on top of me.

* * *

CPOV

That jackass son of a motherfucking bitch! Stupid asswipe motherfucker!

I couldn't believe he would say something like that to me! I can't believe that today I was happy just being that shithole's friend! I regret it. I regret every second I spent with him!

I was such a naïve person. Obviously he wasn't going to just change because, really, once a whore always a whore.

He's probably hooking up with someone right now, I guarantee it!

I'm never going over to their house again; I don't want to see Jace because I know it will hurt. I've lost yet another friend. I'm just a damn shitty person.

I'm never going to let Izzy come over either in fear she might tell Jace where I live. He probably wouldn't care now, but you never know.

I pulled out my phone.

_Hey, I'm not going to be going over to your house any time soon, and you won't be coming to my house. –C_

Almost instantly I got a reply from Izzy.

_What the hell? Why?! –I_

_Ask you're motherfucking dick of a brother. –C_

_What happened? –I _

_I don't want to talk about it. –C_

_Well….. Alright. Text me soon though okay? We can meet up somewhere. –I_

_Will do, bye. –C_

I put my phone away and flopped down on my bed.

I walked over to my bag and pulled out my box of razors. I rolled my pant leg up to my knee and brought my razor down on my calf.

Slicing again and again, not stopping. I let my anger, hurt, and frustration mark my skin. I couldn't stop even if I wanted. I just let it all out.

When I finally managed to stop my leg was bloody. Blood was dripping onto the floor. There were deep cuts all over my calf. I couldn't even tell you how many cuts there were but there were a lot. Crisscrossing and intersecting across my leg.

Looking at my leg I felt astonished. I can't believe I just did that. I felt so relaxed, but I've never gone that far with my cutting, ever.

Slowly I stood up walking into my bathroom.

I started the tub and stripped off all of my clothes. Once the water was warm enough and the tub was full enough I lowered myself into the bathtub, watching in fascination as the water almost immediately turned pinkish from my blood.

I leaned my head against the edge of the tub letting myself relax as the water stung my leg. It stung like a bitch, don't get me wrong, it was a beautiful type of pain.

Just like cutting.

You can only find that beautiful pain in certain things. Things like cutting, starving yourself, burning yourself, hell, even purging! The pain you bring to yourself is a beautiful blissful type of pain.

I think I was in the tub for about half an hour, maybe longer, I think I blacked out at some point, but by the time I got out the water was cold.

Chilled I wrapped a towel around my body. I walked back into my bedroom pulling out a pair of sweats and a long sleeved shirt.

_Holy shit! _

When I looked at my clock I realized it was already eleven thirty. I must have been in the bath for quite a while.

I wonder if Jonathon came home while I was passed out.

Silently I made my way downstairs. I didn't hear any other noises and decided Jonathon must not be home yet.

I lay down on my bed slowly on my back. I grabbed my iPod off the end of the bed where I had left it before Jonathon and I went into town to enroll me in school.

I turned it on, plugged my headphones in, and listened to the first song that came on.

_Circus of silence down at our feet_

_Paper cut tigers starting to bleed_

_Hang from your tightrope above the mess_

_Just say you're sorry, no more no less_

_Words you won't use, you don't feel them like I do_

_Show will be over soon_

Jace had yet to call me. I was hoping that maybe once he got his senses back he would call me and apologize. He hasn't though.

All those words he said to me I guess he didn't mean. He didn't care about me, but I did care about him. Whether I told him or not.

_It's not the curtain closing causing us to call it a day_

_I want to walk away too_

_But I want you to say you are sorry_

_I'm not the one who went and made a mistake_

_I want to walk away too_

_But I want you to say you are sorry_

Jace is the tool who fucked this up. I'm not the one who turned things he said to me against him. I don't think I'm overreacting either. I wish I could just walk away from this too, like he has, but I can't. I just want him to suck up his damn ego and say sorry.

_I used to believe that the storybook's true_

_Now I don't need it, at least not with you_

_So if you see him, the man 'neath the mask_

_Tell him I'm leaving and not looking back_

_Words are no use, you don't need them like I do_

_Show will be over soon_

I guess I should just walk away. I don't need him in my life. I've always been fine being alone.

_It's not the curtain closing causing us to call it a day_

_I want to walk away too_

_But I want you to say you are sorry_

_I'm not the one who went and made a mistake_

_I want to walk away too_

_But I want you to say you're sorry_

Why can't Jace just suck up his ego for once and apologize? It's not like it would kill him to say the two simple words "I'm sorry"! If I fucked things up I would have apologized, but I didn't!

_I want the one word that you refuse to say to me_

_You're so good at giving me responsibility_

_I wash my hands clean and let you watch me as I go_

_I'm sorry for you, just so you know_

He won't say it though and I know he won't.

_It's not the curtain closing causing us to call it a day_

_I want to walk away too_

_But I want you to say you are sorry_

_I'm not the one who went and made a mistake_

_I want to walk away too_

_But I want you to say you're sorry_

Once he says sorry to me I'll walk away too, but not a moment before that.

When the song was over I heard the door slam downstairs. My eyebrows knitted together in confusion.

Why were there doors slamming at almost midnight.

I tiptoed downstairs and looked toward the front door. Jonathon was standing there looking like he had one too many drinks.

His head snapped in my direction when I fell over. I'm such a clumsy fucking idiot!

"Clarissa." He slurred.

"Yes Jonathon?" I questioned nervously. I didn't know how Jonathon acted when he was drunk.

"Get your ass over here."

I quickly walked across the room towards him.

"Yes?" I bit my lip and looked at him.

He placed a hand on my cheek and looked into my eyes, "You look so much like you mother." He said quietly.

He rubbed his thumb back and forth across my cheek before closing his eyes and sighing. He opened his eyes, placed a kiss on the top of my head, and stumbled back towards his room.

My heart was beating fast and I looked after him as he left.

Once I heard his door close I released a breath I hadn't realized I had been holding. I wasn't sure what he was going to do, and it scared me a little.

He's a better drunk than Valentine though which is good.

I hurried up the stairs quickly and silently. Half awake, half asleep, I heard another door slam shut down stairs before I drifted into a restless sleep.

* * *

**Again, sorry for being a bitch. **

**Fangirl1233: Damn, nice review. Haha. I'm not scared. ;) I can't exactly tell you anything though because you're a guest reviewer, so I'm not sure how that would work! **

**Well thanks for the support guys, I appreciate all the reviews of encouragement I received.**

**Jonathon looks like Valentine because that's how he was described in the book, do you guys want me to come up with a different explanation for this story though? Haha. Didn't think that through because I'm a dumbass.**

**Also, I promised someone I would take a vote: Who all wants Luke to make an appearance in this story? I may or may not throw him in there somewhere. ;)**

**I love you guys.**


	27. Chapter 27

CPOV

"Clary, we need to talk." Simon told me as I was making my way to first period. Just like Simon always did he was wearing a gamer tee and pair of jeans and tennis shoes. His glasses started falling down the bridge of his nose and he pushed them up in a frustrated manner.

I laughed at him. I was wearing a dark purple t-shirt and black skinny jeans with my converse.

"How about we talk after school, Si?" I asked looking up at him.

"About time you agreed to talk to me Fray." He teased me nudging me with his shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Si. You know I've been worried and everything. I'm just being a bad friend." I said glumly looking down.

"You're not a bad friend, Fray. You're my best friend." Simon said brightly.

"Thanks, Si. I'll see you after school, okay?" I asked looking back up at him.

His eyes searched mine for a minute and then he smiled brightly and replied, "Sure thing Fray."

I smiled back at him, "Bye Si."

He hugged me quickly, "Bye Fray."

I stuck my tongue out at him and walked to English.

Classes seemed to go by forever. I wanted to know what Simon had to say to me and I was kind of nervous about it actually.

I sat through the boring lectures of English, Science, History, and Math, and sat through the seemingly endless hours of Study Hall and P.E.

Finally the bell rang dismissing us for the summer.

Just like the rest of the students I rushed out of the building and ran into the parking lot looking for Simon. At first I didn't see him, so I stood by the school entrance to wait for him.

Eventually he walked out of the building taking his leisurely time.

"What's taking so long, Lewis?" I called out to him smiling.

He rolled his eyes at me, "I prefer to not be caught in the stampede of students as they exit school." He called back walking up to me.

He wrapped an arm around my shoulder and we started walking towards the parking lot.

"What is it you wanted to talk about?" I ask abruptly. Curiosity was getting the better of me and I couldn't fight it any longer.

"Just wait until more people leave first." He told me quietly, surveying the students still milling about the school grounds.

I rolled my eyes at him. What was so important that he couldn't talk to me about it with other kids around? It's not like they're even going to be listening to us anyways, Simon and I aren't the most popular people, but we have each other so it's all good.

This is obviously important to him, but I have no idea what it could be and the curiosity is absolutely killing me!

Simon was looking down at me and I smiled brightly up at him. He looked so serious all of a sudden.

He took a step towards me and wrapped his arms around me. My brows knitted together in confusion, but I hugged him back quickly nonetheless.

"I love you, Clare-bear." He kissed my head softly and suddenly I was on the ground behind Simon.

Did he just shove me?

"Simon what are you-" My voice was cut off as gunshots filled the air.

* * *

"Clary, wake up!" I heard Jonathon yell faintly.

Suddenly I was being shaken awake.

"Clary! Are you okay?" Jonathon's face filled my vision and his voice filled my ears. I looked at him confused before I realized it was all just a dream.

But it wasn't. It wasn't a dream because Simon _did_ die. That did happen!

I felt my eyes watering and I could feel the cold sweat dripping off of my body. I looked at Jonathon wondering why he was in here. The room was spinning and I wasn't sure what was happening my head was killing me.

"What-" my voice was really hoarse as if I'd been screaming, "What are you doing in here Jonathon?" I croaked out looking up at him.

"I was getting a glass of water and some Tylenol when I heard you yelling. Is everything okay?" He asked me looking at me with concern written on his face.

I nodded my head silently watching him.

"What were you dreaming about?" He pressed.

"Nothing." I told him firmly.

"Do you want me to stay in here with you in case you get another nightmare?"

I shook my head quickly declining his offer, "I'll be fine." I whispered.

He looked hesitant to leave, but I barely knew this man and this scared me. "Alright. I'll be in my room." He whispered looking at me one last time before he left, closing my door behind him.

My heart was racing from my nightmare and I was having a hard time slowing down my breathing.

I threw the covers off of my body and walked into my bathroom. I didn't look in the mirror just headed straight to the shower and turned it on almost all the way hot.

Once it was warmed up I took my clothes off and sat in the shower letting the water hit my back steadily. I brought my knees up to my chest, my arms wrapped around my legs, and my head resting on my knees.

I haven't had a nightmare in forever.

I hate reliving that day. It was a terrible day and I wish I could just forget it.

I'm just glad I didn't have to live through what happened after the gunshot again. That was always the worst part. Jonathon woke me up before I got to it though, and for that I am thankful.

After a while the water started turning cold, so I stood up getting out of the shower and wrapping a towel around my body.

Walking back into my room I pulled out a pair of long pants and a long sleeve shirt. I felt chilled to the bone.

I slowly crawled back into my bed and tucked all the covers around me trying to find warmth, but I couldn't.

I started shivering uncontrollably. I couldn't find warmth anywhere no matter how hard I tried wrapping the sheets and blankets around me. It was like the warmth was just sucked out of the room.

I don't know what time it is and I didn't bother checking. I listened for any other sounds in the house, but I couldn't hear any. I guess Jonathon went back to bed.

Eventually I was able to fall back into a restless sleep, waking up every half hour.

* * *

JPOV

When Aline and I were done she wanted to cuddle, but I told her no and left after getting dressed. I didn't feel anything for her and I was still pissed.

I did feel slightly better now though.

I drove through the silence of the night and when I pulled up to my house all the lights were off.

Once I had turned off my car I quietly made my way inside.

I guess I wasn't as quite as I thought I was though.

When I got upstairs Izzy grabbed my shirt in her hand and shoved me into my room shutting the door behind us.

She. Looked. Pissed.

"What the fucking hell did you do to Clary, Jace?" She yelled at me. She was leaning against my door with her arms crossed over her chest with a very pissed facial expression.

I stood in the middle of the room looking at her.

"What are you talking about?" I finally asked.

"Clary told me that she's never coming over here and I can't ever go over to her house because of you!" She seethed.

My face furrowed in confusion. Did I really hurt Clary that much that she wouldn't even come over or let Izzy go over to her house? Surely this was just a heat of the moment thing.

"Are you sure it wasn't just a heat of the moment type thing?" I asked Iz skeptically.

"What the fuck did you do Jace?" She growled out.

"I… I- I" I didn't know what to say, "I fucked up Izzy."

"Well obviously. You're an idiot Jace! I can't believe you would hurt Clary so much that she wouldn't even talk to me because of you! I told you to stay away from her! I told you and now look at where you-" She broke off suddenly her eyes narrowing as she looked at me.

I stood there uncomfortably.

"Who the hell were you with Jace?" She snapped.

"What are you talking about?" The change of subject took me completely by surprise.

"Your lips are all swollen, your hair is messy, and there is lipstick on you! Who were you with? You piss off Clary, and then you go shack up with someone else? God, Jace, you're a fucking whore!" She screamed at me.

"Whore's do tend to fuck yes." I wasn't going to give Izzy any reaction she wanted, so I just slipped into my sarcastic bastard routine.

"I hate you Jace." She said quietly. She knew what I was doing and she glowered at me.

She turned quickly and left slamming the door behind her. I was tempted to follow her but decided against it.

She was pissed that's for sure. Maybe I should go apologize to her, or at least go check on her.

I walked out my door and down to Izzy's room. I stopped out the door when I heard her on the phone.

"What's wrong? You sound terrible." Izzy said.

There was a moment of silence and then Izzy started talking again, "I thought you said you had stopped having those nightmares. They came back?" Who the hell was she talking to?

There was another pause. "Are you serious? He came home drunk, said that, and then came into your room because you were screaming? Well I guess I can understand him checking on you because you do scream pretty loud when you get nightmares. Don't forget I've slept next to you when you've got them." Izzy said.

Was she talking to Clary?

"That's weird though that he came home drunk and said that to you. Did it freak you out?" I heard Iz ask.

"Oh I called because I was going to tell you that Jace is just a tool and you shouldn't worry about him. I'm pretty pissed at him right now."

Silence.

"Well…. I'll tell you whenever we meet up together. When do you want to meet? What about tomorrow at like five? We can go to the park or something." Iz suggested.

"Jonathon's working tomorrow? I could always come pic-" Iz got cut off.

"Okay, okay. I won't come pick you up, but where would be closer to you and in walking distance?"

"You want to walk somewhere and then have me come pick you up and take you to the park?"

"Okay."

"Will you be able to sleep now? You used to have a hard time falling asleep after your nightmares."

"It didn't get to the worst part? So you'll be able to sleep?"

"Alright, Clare, love you."

Then there was silence coming from Izzy's room.

I changed my mind I was just going to go back to my room. I can't believe she said that about me. And what did Jonathon say to Clary when he got home drunk? She never had nightmares when I was sleeping with her.

Sighing I lay down on my side in bed.

I didn't feel complete without Clary lying next to me, without her body heat radiating off of her. Her small frame in my arms snuggled right up next to me.

I wasn't about to call her though. She'll call me.

Or will she? Maybe she really hates me now. I was pretty rude to her.

Slowly guilt from sleeping with Aline started to seep into me. I shouldn't have slept with her. It didn't prove anything except that Clary was right: I'm a manwhore who doesn't care about anyone else's feelings.

I'm sorry Clary.

I'm sorry.

* * *

**I would like to thank ClaryH for giving me the idea that Jace go hook up with someone else. She gave me the idea a while back when I had writer's block and I appreciate it. Thank you. :)**

**So, there's a little more about what happened that fateful day, what did you guys think?**

**Do people even read Author's Notes? Haha.**

**I love you guys, and you put a smile on my face when you review. I love hearing what you guys have to say. **


	28. Chapter 28

CPOV

Today was Monday, my first day of school. Slowly I crawled out of bed to start getting ready.

Izzy seemed really happy when I saw her the other day. We walked around the park and talked for hours about pointless things. She was telling me about the talent show and all other school events I was missing out on.

I haven't talked to Jace since the fight. He didn't show up when Izzy and I were hanging out and he hasn't texted or called me. He hasn't changed one bit at all and I was an idiot for thinking that he could possibly change.

I slipped on a pair of skinny jeans, black top, my jacket, and converse, and then headed into the bathroom to brush my hair and teeth.

I threw my hair up into a ponytail, grabbed my bag, and headed downstairs.

Jonathon hasn't talked to me since that night he came home drunk. He hasn't come home drunk again either.

I was kind of surprised when he was waiting for me by the front door.

"Good morning Clary." He smiled at me, but it still didn't reach his eyes.

I gave him a small smile which I'm sure turned out to look more like a grimace, "Good morning Jonathon." I responded.

"Are you ready for school?" He asked politely.

I just nodded stopping a few feet in front of him.

He opened the door, "Well come on let's go then."

He waited for me to be out the door before walking out himself. He walked over to his car and got in. I followed.

We drove over to the school in silence.

Once we arrived Jonathon spoke up, "I'll pick you up after school, Clary, okay?"

I turned my head towards him, "Where do you want me to wait for you to pick me up?" I asked him.

"Just right here."

"Okay, thank you, bye Jonathon." I said as I opened the door.

"Bye Clary."

As soon as the door was closed he drove off.

Taking my time I walked to the office to get my schedule.

- 1st period, History; Mr. Higgins

- 2nd period, Study Hall; Mrs. Sexton

- 3rd period, Math; Mr. Brown

- 4th period, Science; Mrs. Colebee

- 5th period, Lunch

- 6th period, English; Mr. Garroway

- 7th period, P.E.; Coach Pitt

- 8th period; Music; Mrs. Golden

Great, now I just have to go and find my classes.

Slowly I began walking down the halls trying to find my History class. I wasn't paying attention to where I was going and ran straight into someone.

I stumbled backwards and looked up quickly.

"Sorry about that." I mumbled looking up at the girl I just ran into.

Damn my shortness!

She had blonde hair that was dyed black at the tips. Her eyes were blue with little flecks of yellow scattered around her pupil. She had a normal height for girls and was slender.

She was wearing a band tee, dark skinny jeans, and a leather jacket.

I was about to start walking back to my class when she spoke up, "Hey, my name's Sage. You the new kid?"

"My name's Clary." I muttered quietly.

"Do you need help trying to find your way to class?" She asked politely. Sage was staring at me expectantly.

"Yes, that'd be nice." I told her.

"Alright, let me see your class schedule then." Without waiting for me to respond she grabbed it out of my hands and began looking at it.

"We have a few classes together. I have first, fourth, fifth, sixth, and eighth period with you." She glanced up at me.

I just stared back at her blankly. Why was she even bothering to help me?

"Well are you coming or not?" She sounded impatient with her hands on her hips.

Sage was now a few feet in front of me. I quickly caught up to her muttering an apology.

This was so weird from my old school.

"Well seeing as you're the new kid you'll probably have quite a few kids talking to you. The popular kids like to scope out the new kids to decide whether or not they should allow you to 'join' their groups. You can always do what I do which is ignore them because they're all a bunch of bitches, but hey, whatever you want to do it's your reputation."

She glanced over at me as we walked down the hallway.

"I'm not a popular kid. I like to hang by myself and the pops will probably tell you that I'm the bitch. It doesn't matter because you're a person and you can make your own damn opinions on all of us. Anyways, you have your pops, then there are the normal nerds, and those of us who don't really fit into a category of either popular or nerd are just unpopular. Pretty much all the kids in sports are popular. They have their own different levels and shit too though. They're backstabbing bitches they are." Sage continued rambling on about how the pops are all bitches and I just tuned her out.

I was trying to remember the way to first period.

"Well here we are; our first class of hell." Sage said offhandedly.

"You think school is hell?" I asked looking at her casually.

She glanced back at me before walking into the doorway, "Who doesn't? Nobody likes school it's not that surprising."

"Do I just sit anywhere?" I asked looking around the classroom as kids started to walk in.

They didn't have desks in this classroom; instead they had two chairs at a table. There were a few tables in the room and I guess the tables made it easier for partnering up the students; you could just work with your fellow classmate that was sitting beside you.

"You can either sit by me or one of the grade A sluts. There's only three empty sits, so it's up to you."

Every time Sage talked her tone always held a note that said she didn't care. It was kind of confusing. Does she want me to sit with her or not?

Shrugging I sat down beside her pulling my jacket sleeves down and waiting for the teacher to come in.

* * *

All of the classes had pretty much been the same up until lunch. I walked in, found a seat, the teacher introduced me, and I got some assignments. I'd had a few kids try and talk to me, but I'm not really a friend's person. Sage seemed alright though.

In all honesty I was just waiting for the rumors to start flying around school and the bullies to start picking on me.

I saw Sage sitting by herself at one of the tables and walked over to sit across from her.

She was eating a sandwich and some chips.

As I sat down across from her Sage looked up at me, "You want some chips?" She asked offering me her bag.

I shook my head. I've been eating more since I got my weight loss pills, but I still refuse to eat in front of people.

She shrugged her shoulders at me, "Whatever."

I just sat there looking around the cafeteria as Sage ate. I didn't really have anything to say to her, so I don't know why I bothered coming over to sit with her; maybe because it was better to sit with someone than completely by yourself.

I was used to Izzy talking constantly throughout lunch so this silence was a little weird at first; however, I slowly got used to it as lunch moved on.

Sage had just finished her lunch when some girl came up to us and sat down next to me.

She was really tan and had bleach blonde hair, her eyes were brown.

"You're the new girl?" She asked in a high pitch voice.

I just nodded my head at her.

"Is it true that your parents killed themselves so they wouldn't have to deal with you anymore?" Ah, here it is the rumors that were bound to be flying around about me at one point or another.

"No they didn't kill themselves. I don't know where you heard that, but it's a lie." I said coolly.

"Did your dad? I heard your mom left you and then-"

"Amanda, would you shut the fuck up and leave? You're polluting my air with your nasty diseases." Sage cut in. She glared at the girl, Amanda, who was sitting next to me.

"Wow Sage, just the bitch you always are I see." Amanda gave Sage an overly sweet smile.

"Wow Amada, just the slut you always are I see." Sage looked pointedly at Amanda's outfit. Her shirt seemed to be too small for her and she was wearing really short shorts. Her chest was popping out of her top.

"Well, new girl, you can hang out with whoever you want but I don't see why you'd hang out with _that_." She spat vehemently.

Amanda got up and stormed off to sit at another table.

I looked over at Sage who flipped Amanda off as she turned around.

I have a feeling that I'm going to like Sage.

"She's a hoe, don't bother with her." Sage said nonchalantly turning her gaze back to me.

I just nodded my head at Sage as the bell rang signaling our next class period.

My next class I had with Sage and it was English.

She showed me the way to class and I sat next to her again ignoring everyone else as they walked into class. I noticed Amanda walking in with a boy who was tall and had dark hair. His eyes were brown and he was pretty pale.

One observation about a lot of these kids is that most of them are tan.

I'm not tan, that boy's not tan, and Skylar's not tan. I haven't seen a lot of pale people.

I was brought out of my musings of tans when the teacher, Mr. Garroway, walked into the classroom.

"Okay class, today we have a new student; Clarissa Fray will you please come up here?" Mr. Garroway had a soft but firm voice that carried well in the classroom.

I got out of my seat casually and walked to the front of the room.

Mr. Garroways eyes widened a little when he saw me, but he said nothing.

"Well, class, this is Clarissa Fray."

"I prefer Clary." I told him quietly.

"Clary Fray." He corrected himself, "You may now go back to your seat Miss Fray." He said nodding back towards my seat.

I walked a little faster to get back to my seat than I did when I walked to the front of the room.

I sat down next to Sage and class carried on.

Eventually the bell rang to dismiss us. As I was walking out with Sage Mr. Garroway called me back in.

"Yes Mr. Garroway?" I asked tentatively.

"How are you doing Clary?" He asked.

I looked at him in confusion, "What are you talking about?" I asked him.

"Well I heard about your parents, I can't imagine that being easy. Is all going well with you?" He rephrased his question.

"Yes…" I trailed off unsure why Mr. Garroway was asking me about my parents.

"Good. I like to make sure all of my students are doing well." He told me.

I just nodded my head at him, not sure what to say. After a few moments of silence I said, "May I go to my next class now?"

"Of course, have a good day Miss Fray." He said nodding his head.

I gave him a tight smile before turning around and rushing out of the classroom trying to make it to my next class before I was late.

I wasn't late.

* * *

The rest of my classes flew by pretty fast and before I knew it I was waiting outside for Jonathon to come pick me up after school.

He drove up not to long after I was out there. I'd say I was standing out there for about a minute before he pulled up.

As I was getting into the car Jonathon smiled at me.

"How was the first day of school?" He asked pulling out of the parking lot as I buckled my seatbelt.

"It was fine. It was school so there's not really anything to say." I told him.

He looked like he wanted to say something else but decided against it.

We ended up riding back home in silence just like we did this morning. As we were nearing the house he spoke up again though, "Do you want to order pizza for dinner?" He asked glancing at me.

"Sure that'd be nice." I said smiling at him.

"Cool, you go ahead and order it and I'll be home later. There's some money on the table to buy it with." Jonathon said.

I got out of the car and walked up to the front door as Jonathon drove away.

I wonder where he goes when he isn't home because he disappears a lot.

Turning around I walked inside and picked up the phone. There were a few numbers on a notepad beside the phone and one of them was for a pizza place. I dialed the number ordered a large pepperoni pizza and walked into the living room to wait.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket to see if Izzy had texted me. She hadn't.

I wonder what kids over there were saying about me. It had to be way worse than what people were saying about me here.

What if the kids here were right? What if Valentine did kill himself to get away from me? I already know that he hated me. Jocelyn hated me that was a well-known fact. If she hadn't hated me she wouldn't have left me with Valentine. Simon died because I was a terrible friend.

Jace hates me. Isabelle… I don't know how she feels about me, but if I died it probably wouldn't even make that big of a difference to her.

Maybe I would just be better off dead. Nobody needs me. Nobody wants me.

I'm a waste of space. Even my new school has theories about what happened to my parents. Who's to say that they're not right? Who's to say that I'm not the reason why people close to me died?

It wouldn't make a difference whether I live or not. I may as well just go and die.

Tears started running down my face as my chest constricted. I'm a giant fuckup. I can't ever do anything right. I mess up everything. I messed up my friendship with Jace, I messed up Simon's life, I made Jocelyn leave and ruined my parents' marriage, and I'm probably ruining Jonathon's life right now too.

Nobody needs me. I'm a waste of space. I'm taking up air that I don't need.

Nobody would miss me when I'm gone. I probably wouldn't even have a funeral because no one would care that I'm dead.

I'm a waste of space.

I'm worthless.

I bet kids back at school are probably saying that I need to kill myself and they're right. I do need to kill myself. All I do is mess things up.

Just then my phone went off signaling that I had a text. It was from Jace.

When I opened it I made up my mind.

_Clary, you're a pathetic child. The world would be so much better without you. -J _

I put my phone down.

The world would be better without me so why not do it a favor?

* * *

**Sorry I didn't update yesterday. I fully intended to, but my brother was leaving to go to another state and I felt sick and slept after he left. Sorry about that. **

**Well, I hope you like this chapter I'm kinda eh about it. Not really that proud. **


	29. Chapter 29

**So guys, I almost forgot to update today because I'm a fucking idiot! I've been on here reading and then I got a review and I was like "Oh hey. let's look at that!" And then I still didn't realize I needed to update and then I just now realized... I'm an idiot! **

* * *

JPOV

I hate going to school. I hate going and knowing that Clary won't be there. I hate that I haven't called her yet and apologized, but I want her to call first.

When Izzy went out to meet up with Clary I was really tempted to follow her. I decided against it though.

I hadn't exactly stopped sleeping with girls since Clary left though. I kept thinking that maybe it would help me forget about her, and for a time it did.

I was back to the heartbreaker Jace. I don't get tied down to anyone.

I've been going out every night since the fight between me and Clary. Sometimes Izzy would catch me sneaking into the house and she'd get pissed, but whatever. It doesn't matter, right?

I don't see why it would matter where I go, or who I was with.

Rolling out of bed I walked to my closet to grab my clothes for today. I just threw on a black tee and some jeans, and then headed out to my car to head to school.

Today will probably be like every other day. I'll hear people talking about Clary and I'll have some of the sluts approach me.

When I got to the school and got out of my car the popular kids immediately called out to me, and I walked over to them. Some of them slapped my back once I got there and they continued on talking.

I wasn't really listening to what they were saying because I didn't care, but then I heard them bring Clary up.

"Dude, that little bitch caused her parents to die. I don't understand why she hasn't just killed herself yet. Maybe we should tell her." One of the guys called out. A few people started snickering.

"She's fucking weird! She didn't even talk to anyone other than Simon and the hottie who for whatever reason dated the geek. Then when that nerd died Clary became even more of a freak!" Someone else shouted.

"Her mom new she was a freak and that's why she left when she got the chance." A girl chimed in.

"Valentine, her dad, couldn't stand her; that's why he went out and got drunk every night. I heard he used to go home plastered all the time! He drank himself to death because he couldn't stand her anymore." Another girl added.

"I feel sorry for whoever got the little bitch." Aline called out.

"I heard it was step-daddy who got her. She didn't even know her mom remarried. She's a pathetic little piece of shit!" Sebastian called out.

What the fuck? Sebastian was talking to Clary the other day and being all friendly with her. Why would he even bother if he didn't like her?

"Maybe her step-dad will just dump her somewhere so she can get mugged, or raped, or murdered." A boy shouted.

Why would people even think these things? These are God awful things to say about anyone, I don't care who it is!

"Well she's a bitch and she's no longer here so that's all that matters. All we can hope for now is that she just kills herself, she'd be doing the world a favor if she did." Aline said.

Other kids nodded or shouted their agreement.

This was sick. I can't believe people would say things like that.

I turned abruptly on my heel and left them without saying anything. I wasn't going to be a part of it.

Sebastian was being friendly to Clary the first weeks of school, what the hell was up with him? I can't believe Izzy thinks that ass is nice.

Maybe he was just using Clary to get closer to Izzy. A lot of girls used to do that with Izzy. They would get nice and friendly with her so they could get closer to me.

People can be so damn pathetic!

On my way to my locker I passed Izzy and grabbed her arm to stop her from wherever she was going.

"The guy you think is so nice is a complete ass." I told her dropping her arm.

She looked at me, "What are you talking about?" She popped a hip out and glared at me.

"Sebastian is being a complete ass." I grumbled glaring at her.

"What did he say, Jace?" She asked me seemingly bored.

"Well, kids were talking about Clary this morning and Seb said, and I quote, 'I heard it was step-daddy who got her. She didn't even know her mom remarried. She's a pathetic little piece of shit!'." I told her.

"If he thinks that then why did he talk to her?" She shot back at me, "Are you sure it wasn't someone else?"

"I'm not a fucking idiot Izzy! I can tell when people say things." I said raising my voice.

"I know that!" She retorted.

I gave her one last glare before getting back on track to go to my locker to grab my books for first period.

Once I got my books out of my locker I slammed the door shut causing a few kids to jump and look at me. I just ignored them and walked towards my class.

I was the first kid in the room since everyone else was out gossiping and shit. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and went to Clary's contact.

Maybe I should text her first. I was the one who took what she told me against her, but I don't want to be the one to break the silence. I wanted to know that she cared enough to try and contact me first.

Hell, who am I kidding she won't even let Izzy go over to her house because of me; there's no way she wants to talk to me.

If I text her though maybe she'll respond.

There are so many things to say to her and I can't even text her to check in on her. The only way I know remotely how she's doing is by listening to Izzy's conversations with Clary.

Even then I vaguely have an idea and it's not like she's going to tell Izzy if something's upsetting her.

So far the only disturbing thing that I know of going on with Clary is Jonathon came home drunk one night and Clary had a nightmare. I just know so much about what's going on in her life.

I think I will text her.

Just as I was getting ready to text Clary the bell rang and the teacher came in and told us all to put our phones away.

Sighing I slipped my phone back into my pocket to listen to my teacher.

* * *

At lunch time I went and sat at my usual table with the popular kids. I think they were done talking about Clary for the time. At the moment they were talking about one of the upcoming football games.

As soon as I sat down at the table Kaelie came over and sat on my lap.

I didn't move just looked at her.

Kaelie trailed one of her painted fingers down my chest, "Hi Jacey." She said watching her finger move down my chest.

"My name is Jace not Jacey." I told her.

She looked into my eyes after I said that and leaned forward to whisper into my ear, "Do you want to hook up tonight?" She bit my earlobe and looked at me waiting for my answer.

"Yeah, sure." I said not really caring.

It's just one more hookup and Kaelie has slept with almost everyone at school, so it's not going to really make a difference to me.

It'll make a difference to Izzy though; when I get home she'll be pissed.

Maybe the way Izzy feels about me hooking up with other people is the way Clary felt about her dating Sebastian. Now Izzy can understand the way Clary felt.

Snapping out of my thoughts for a moment I looked at Kaelie who was kissing up and down my neck running her hands over my chest, "What time do you want me to come over?" I asked her.

She looked up at me from what she was doing and said, "How about six?"

I nodded and went back to ignoring her. It was kind of hard to ignore someone who was sitting in your lap and kissing you, but you kind of get used to it so it becomes easier to ignore.

The rest of the school day went by in a blur and before I knew it I was over at Kaelie's house.

When I got to the front door I knocked and waited for someone to come answer.

After about a minute Kaelie answered and smiled seductively at me.

I smirked back at her and followed her upstairs to her bedroom. As I walked over and sat on her bed she closed her door.

* * *

After we were done Kaelie and I just lay there on her bed in silence, not having a single thing to say to the other.

I don't know what time it was, but it was probably getting late. I didn't exactly feel like going home to deal with Izzy's wrath, but I knew I'd have to face it at some point.

That some point would come later though and not right now.

I got up off of Kaelie's bed and told her that I was going to go to the bathroom.

She mumbled something, but I wasn't really listening.

When I came out of the bathroom Kaelie was putting my phone back down on her nightstand and smiled at me.

"Do you need to go home, or do you wanna go again?" She asked looking at me seductively.

I didn't particularly feel like doing it again, "I have to head home."

"Bye Jacey." She smiled at me, and I smirked back.

I pulled on my clothes, grabbed my phone, and walked out to my car.

The drive back to my house was boring and silent. When I got home Izzy, surprisingly, wasn't awake; that or she wasn't home, whichever.

I hurried up the stairs to my bedroom and flopped down on my bed.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and threw it on the nightstand by my bed.

Oh wait!

I meant to text Clary earlier, but I completely forgot about it after first period.

Maybe she'll text me back and we can meet up and I can see her again sometime soon.

Quickly I grabbed my phone and pulled up my messages with Clary to send her one when I saw something that caught my eye.

_Clary, you're a pathetic child. The world would do so much better without you. –J_

I never sent that to Clary! I would never even think of saying those things to her.

That must have been what Kaelie was doing with my phone!

I pulled her number up and called it. She answered on the first ring.

"Miss me already Jace?" She questioned casually.

"Why the hell did you text Clary off of my phone?" I snapped at her.

"Why wouldn't I?" She retorted.

"Dammit Kaelie why?" I yelled.

"Because we all know how close she got to you. Didn't you hear us talking this morning about how she needs to go kill herself? We figured that if you told her to do it she might actually listen for once." Kaelie said offhandedly.

"What the fuck? You're all terrible people!" I shouted and hung up.

I didn't know how to get a hold of Clary. She probably wasn't going to answer her phone, but I guess it was worth a shot.

I called five times and she still didn't answer.

Dammit! I wish I knew where she lived!

Maybe she'll go back to her old house? Something, I don't know! Damn!

I ran out of my house and started driving around in my car. I drove over to Clary's house and she wasn't there. I don't know where she could be, so I just drove around hoping to find her.

* * *

**Sorry for any spelling mistakes... I didn't exactly feel like re-reading it to check it. My apologies.**

**So, it's Sunday. Tomorrow is my first day of school. I may not update tomorrow depending on if I, as in the band, have to play at kickoff because if so I am not going to come home more than likely. Plus homework all that shit. **

**I will not update on Tuesday. Just to remind you guys. I will also not write on Fridays. It looks like I may also be having flute sectionals on Thursdays, so I may or may not write on them, depending on how late they are. **

**I'll also be in a different city almost every other weekend. I will not be updating on those weekends because I won't be getting home until midnight. I'm a bitch when I'm tired. **

**Anyways sorry for that. Just throwing it out there one more time. I hope you all enjoy. I'll see you... Wednesday at latest...? Maybe. Not set in stone. **

**I hope you enjoy this chapter! :) Your reviews make me smile, so thank you for them!**


	30. Chapter 30

CPOV

My head was spinning and my heart was beating fast. Looking around the room I got really dizzy. I was going to do it; I was actually going to do it.

I shouldn't here though. Jonathon hasn't been anything but kind to me since he took me in. I'm already burdening him enough he doesn't deserve to have to find my body too.

I must say, I'm not really sure how I plan on killing myself, but I know I'm going to do it. I just have to figure out the details.

The odd thing about this is, there are no tears on my face. I didn't feel the need to cry. I just felt my heartbeat racing and that's about it.

I ran out of the house, my phone in my pocket thinking over and over again about what Jace texted me.

It was a stupid idea to actually feel like I could trust him and I knew it! I knew I shouldn't have started letting him into my heart because you only get hurt when that happens!

God, I'm such an idiot for thinking a player like Jace may actually care about me, ever. I knew he was just toying with my emotions and fucking up the thoughts in my head.

I hope he's happy now. I hope he's happy when they discover my body, _if_ they discover my body.

Maybe if I jump in a river they won't find me. I'll just be lost and forgotten like many suicide victims. Maybe I want someone to find me though. Just so they can know that they did this to me.

People always want to blame society for suicide, but it's not society's fault. People add to the pain of others around them without even realizing it. They don't understand they _are _the ones who drive us over the edge.

Classmates tell us how awful we are, family tells us how fat we are, friends lie to us to make us feel better.

Society isn't the ones who fuck us up it's the people who know us! They just blame "society" so they don't have to live with the guilt knowing that they contributed to somebody's suicide.

_Assholes._

I was running around blindly not really sure where I was going or where I should go. I could always hang myself from a tree, tie myself to a rock and drown, shoot myself, bleed out. So many possibilities and I honestly don't know which would be least painful.

It kind of scares me of how painful it might be. Maybe it would have been better if I grabbed some pills from Jonathon's house before leaving, or grabbing a bottle of bleach, something.

Maybe there are still some at Valentine's house that I could use. I really doubt it though because it's been a while and they might've gotten everything out of the house, not that there was much.

I stopped running and stopped walking all together. I need to figure out where I am going before I get hit by a car! That wouldn't be such a bad thing though would it? It'd still be death and I'd be gone.

That could be really painful though…

I'll go check Valentine's house and see if there's anything th-

All of a sudden my thoughts are cut off by my phone ringing in my pocket. I take my phone out and look at it. The caller ID reads _Jace. _I don't want to hear any more about how awful a person I am and how I should die.

I'm working on it okay!

Sighing, I slip the phone back into my pocket and begin the long walk towards my house.

I'm shutting down again. I'm not upset anymore, I don't feel anything anymore. My senses one by one begin to shut down until I can no longer feel anything. My emotions are no present and I can think more clearly now.

Going to Valentine's house would be the best idea I could have as of right now.

Now that I was thinking clearly again it became easier to slowly devise up a plan to use. If there wasn't anything at Valentine's house anymore I could just go to a tree (I'm sure I can find rope relatively close by) and I could go hang myself in an area covered in trees.

I wouldn't be found for a while, but I've heard choking is an awful way to go. I would think drowning is too. Holding your breath or breathing in water. Eh.

Pills are my most favorable option right now.

I would pussy out if I tried to shoot myself, it wouldn't be possible.

With these thoughts circulating around in my head I felt a small smile form on my face as I continued walking towards Valentine's home.

My phone started ringing once again and once more I checked the caller ID to see that it was Jace calling me.

Rolling my eyes I put my phone back in my pocket and walked.

He called me three more times and each time I ignored it.

I wasn't in the mood to really listen to how shitty I was and how the world would be better off with me because like I said before: I get it.

There's no need for me to hear it anymore if I already know, right? Plus, I'd like my last moments to be a little more memorable, such as these peacefulness that has enveloped me.

The soothing calm I feel as of now walking to my certain death. It's not really anything that I'm afraid of. Is that bad?

I guess I truly am a terrible person. Then again, I always knew that I was.

Looks like I'm not learning anything new about myself today!

I wonder what Jonathon will think after he realizes his step-daughter killed herself. Will he be happy? Will he be upset? Will he care? Does it even matter to him whether I'm there or not?

What will Isabelle think? Will Izzy be sad? Will Izzy move on quickly like she did with Simon? Will Iz be happy that I'm gone and now she doesn't have to deal with me?

Jace will probably be happy because he just told me that I should kill myself. I really doubt he'd feel any remorse if I were to kill myself. That's just a thought, but more than likely it's true.

I can't wait to see Simon though. It's been so long since I've seen him and I just miss him so much; his smell, his smile, his hugs. I always loved hugs from Simon because…. I don't know they were just always the best, that's something I can't really describe.

He would always get so animated when he talked about video games and anime. Simon was a perfect person and he didn't deserve what happened to him. It should have been me instead of Simon who got shot.

I'll never get to know what Simon wanted to tell me, except, maybe now I can. When I die I can go and find Simon and ask him what he wanted to tell me. That would be an amazing thing to find out. It's something that I've never been able to understand.

This year I've felt so guilty because Simon died. He died because I was a shitty friend and wouldn't hear him out because I was to selfish to realized he needed to tell me something. He was always so patient and kind with me and now he's gone.

I no longer have my Simon.

* * *

After a long walk my muscles were sore and I was bone-ass-tired; however, when I looked at Valentine's house I felt triumphant because I made it.

I wonder if Jonathon realizes that I'm missing yet. I'm not sure what time he was supposed to be getting home, but I can't imagine it being too much longer from now.

Looking up at the home I used to live in brought back memories of hanging out with Simon, Valentine telling me I wasn't good enough, Jace spending the night; all thoughts that soon wouldn't matter because I would be gone.

Should I have written a suicide note before leaving Jonathon's house? Isn't that what most suicide victims do?

I walked into the house and went straight to the kitchen to look for pills.

I guess we never really kept that much medicine in the house. Looking in the cabinets I could only find two bottles of Motrin.

Opening them I saw that one had only two pills while the other was completely full.

Sighing I looked around.

I guess I should leave a suicide note in case anyone cares, not that that's likely.

Taking my time I walked back to my old room to grab a sheet of paper. After I got it I grabbed a pen and took them back to the kitchen.

I sat down at the table and took about ten minutes to think of what to say, whom to say it to, and why. After having that decided I folded the piece of paper multiple times until it was able to fit into my pocket.

My heart started beating faster as I got a glass of tap water.

Did I really want to do this? Was I really ready to end it in this world? I think I was ready, but now I was second guessing myself.

Even Jace wants you dead! My mind yelled at me trying to get me to see that I wasn't really helping anyone by staying here.

I was just a mistake that was never supposed to be born. Valentine didn't want me and neither did Jocelyn. Hell, Jonathon probably didn't want me either.

Tears began to form in my eyes as my chest squeezed tighter. I could feel the tears flowing down my face now and my hands began to shake as this reality set in.

I, Clarissa Adele Fray, am about to leave this cruel world behind to go find my Simon. I'm about to leave all the people who hate me.

The people who have wanted me to die since my mom left. Everyone thought that I never heard them joking about how I should kill myself, but I did.

Joking about how everyone hated me. They always claimed them to be jokes, but I think they truly honestly meant what they said.

There is no doubt in my mind that those things my classmates said were there true feelings and no joke.

All these years I've been tormented and made fun of. I've been told how worthless I am and how fat and ugly and stupid I am. I've been told countless times that I need to die.

Now I will.

Trying to swallow the rest of my tears down I picked up my glass with a very shaky hand.

I threw it back and quickly grabbed the pills to try and take them.

I tipped the container back into my mouth, filled with water, and watched as the orange pills slid into my mouth.

I couldn't take them all though and soon had to drop the Motrin bottle back down, swallowing what was already in my mouth.

I filled my glass up again and repeated.

Again, I was unable to get all of them into my mouth.

Refilling the glass try again I stopped feeling dizzy. My stomach got queasy and I felt like I was about to puke.

The world in front of me started spinning and I fell down onto my knees.

I started coughing and covered my mouth with my hand. Once I pulled my hand away it was covered in blood.

The pills are beginning to work. Realization slowly set in on me as I continued coughing up my blood.

I lie down on my side on the floor of the kitchen and watch as the tiles in front of me turn red with my blood.

So this is what it feels like to die.

Slowly, I began to feel the darkness creeping in on me and I happily welcomed it.

* * *

**School has been hectic guys. I didn't get home until seven-thirty with band yesterday. I had an essay today which took up my juices so sorry the shitty quality of this chapter.**

**I just wanted to get something out to you guys because you all are so supportive of me and I love that I can at least make you all happy. **

**Your reviews really put smiles on my face and you kept them coming until today. I was like "DAMNNN" because I got reviews everyday since the seventeenth. **

**Sorry that I can't update as much. All Pre-AP classes suck dick guys. Along with band and choir.**

**Speaking of choir I've been practicing for auditions for our musical, so I have that going on for me too. Sorry I can't update daily now. I can't even update every weekend. :\**

**Thanks guys. I really appreciate you.**


	31. Chapter 31

JPOV

Where was Clary?

I could feel the franticness building up inside of me. I hadn't seen her and I had been driving out for about half an hour. I had no idea where she could be or if she would even be around here for that matter.

For all I know she was at her new home hanging from a ceiling without a breath of life in her right now.

I shuddered at that thought.

Her eyes open a rope around her neck and her swinging slowly back and forth, kind of like a pendulum, cold to the touch.

I don't want that to happen to her. I swear I will kill Kaelie if that happened to Clary.

Maybe she'll be back at her old house? It was worth another shot to try and look for her there.

I sped off and headed towards her house once more.

When I pulled up into the driveway I noticed that her front door was open.

My heart lifted a little at the sight and I threw my door open and ran up the steps into her house.

My eyes scanned her living room and kitchen frantically. I didn't see her body hanging from the ceiling which was a little bit reassuring.

Quickly, I ran into her bedroom to see if she was hanging in there.

Pausing for a moment at her door, bracing myself for the worst, I barged in only to find it empty.

I could feel my heart and hope deflating. Maybe she wasn't here after all. Maybe she just came by and visited and I missed her.

My heart started picking it's rate up again in panic. I rushed over to her bathroom to see if she was in there.

To my disappointment the bathroom was spotless.

All I could feel was hopelessness. With my head hung low I slowly walked out of her bathroom back down the hallway.

I stopped in the living room and looked around, this time looking at the floor, in hopes of finding Clary.

I can feel that she's hear, I just know she is!

I slowly walked to the kitchen expecting to find the same thing I found in the living room: just a messy floor with no Clary.

What I saw picked my heart rate up a little more. On the floor was Clary sprawled out on her stomach with blood by her head, which confused me because there weren't any gashes on her head.

I stood paralyzed staring at her. Her read hair splayed out behind her, her knees bent, eyes closed, and pale.

My head was beginning to reel at the sight of my beautiful read head lying on the floor, more than likely cold.

I can't believe I let that happen to Clary. She never deserved to have any of the things she did happen to her.

She was a beautiful, sweet, loving person, full of life, and now looking at her she seemed so lifeless and limp.

I couldn't move to get to her, no matter how hard I tried. All I wanted was to hold her one more time. Kiss her cheek, and nose, and forehead, to hold her, and hear her laugh.

I wonder if that's how she felt about Simon, if this feeling of torment and grief is what has been raging on inside of her since he passed on.

I stood there for a few more minutes just staring at her pale figure before I was finally able to push myself to walk over to her.

Taking slow careful steps I made my way over to her hesitantly. Once I reached her I got down on my knees in front of her and reached out to hold her hand.

To my surprise her hand still felt warm. It wasn't cold at all like I expected it to be.

I looked at her with wide eyes. Maybe she wasn't dead after all.

Gently I picked up her wrist to try and check her pulse. I couldn't find it so I moved my fingers to her neck to try and take her pulse there. I found it, but it was very faint.

Slowly, the realization hit me. My Clary was alive, she was alive and breathing!

I grabbed her shoulders and started shaking her trying to get her to wake up. I was full of hope and I wasn't going to let her slip through my fingers this time!

As I continued to shake her my hope started to die again. What did Clary even do to herself? There wasn't a rope, there were no new cuts on her or blood on the floor, no…. There was a bottle of Motrin on the counter.

Cursing I looked back down at Clary. Maybe I should move her to her bed so she'll be comfortable I _when _she wakes up.

There's no chance that she won't wake up, I'm positive that she will wake up. I believe that she will.

I carefully rolled her over so she was lying on her back that way I could pick her up better.

Then, just as carefully, I slipped one of my arms under her knees and the other around her shoulders hugging her close to my body.

I wasn't going to take any chances with her leaving me, or slipping through my fingers.

There was no way in hell that I was letting Clary get away from me again. I swear to do a better job to protect this small little angel.

I slowly walked to her bed and set her down gently, tucking the covers around her small frail body. I sat down on the edge next to her and rubbed her hair before leaning forward to place a soft gentle kiss on her forehead.

I leaned back and looked at her before standing up and walking out of the room.

I can't believe I almost lost her like that!

I'm a fucking idiot!

Running my hands through my hair harshly I pulled at the ends and hit my head against the wall closest to me.

I went to go fuck someone else because I was feeling sorry for myself and Clary almost died because of it!

The thought settled into my stomach, and ran through my head like a mantra: _Clary almost died because of me. _

The anger started boiling up inside of my chest.

Just because I had to feel sorry for myself because Clary hadn't talked to me she almost killed herself.

It was my fault that she wasn't talking to me.

Maybe if I had just owned up to making a mistake in the first place Clary wouldn't be lying in her bed faint, or unconscious for all I know, and I would be talking to her, hearing her laugh again.

The anger and shame were sweeping through my veins and I didn't know what to do. I punched the wall two times before turning and pressing my back against it sliding down.

I brought my knees up to my chest and rested my head on my knees. My hand was red and there was a little bit of blood on my knuckles, but not a lot.

Sighing I brought my head back against the wall staring blankly across from me.

I shouldn't have slept around after the fight with Clary. I just did it to spite her, but it ended up coming back and biting me in the ass.

I closed my eyes breathing in through my mouth trying to calm myself down.

Clary will hopefully wake up soon and everything will be okay. She'll let me hold her and kiss her cheeks again, and we'll be able to cuddle once more.

A sense of longing swept over me and all I wanted was for her to open her eyes so I could she her brilliantly, radiant, beautiful, emerald, green eyes.

I put my hands on the floor and pushed myself up to walk back into her room to check on her.

She was lying just as I had left her, but I could see her chest rising and falling more definitely now which was a good thing.

I smiled sadly down at her form. I missed her so much at school and now I can't even truly be with her because she's not here.

I sat down next to her once more and grabbed her hand.

"Hey Clary." I started speaking softly to her, "I don't know where you are, but I really miss you right now. You mean a lot to me and I don't want to lose you. I'm sorry I fucked up Clary. I'm sorry I did all those things to you. I just wish you would open your eyes so I can see them." I rambled on not sure what to say.

I kissed her forehead softly and crawled into bed beside her.

Slipping under the covers I wrapped my arms around her when I felt something poking out of her left side pocket.

I pulled it out and brought it out from under the covers so I could see it.

The thing was a small piece of paper.

Furrowing my eyebrows I unfolded it.

_Dear Izzy,_

_You were a good friend to me for a while. You abandoned me when Simon died and that stung like a bitch. We were good friends before you and Simon started dating and it made me happy to see how happy the two of you made each other. He loved you a lot. The last day of his life he wanted to talk to me, but never got the chance. I know you won't get the chance to say a proper goodbye and I'm sorry for that, but this is something I have to do. The bullying at our school was too much, and Jace joined them. _

_ If you want to know what happened to me since Simon died you can ask Jace. He's probably already told the school though and rumors are probably flying around about me, but it doesn't matter now does it? It's over and this cruel game is done with, finally. I'll miss you, but I know that you'll be able to move on without me. You'll find new friends, and find another guy who you'll love just like Simon loved you. I love you Izzy._

_Dear Jonathon,_

_Thank you for taking me in after Valentine died. I didn't really know you that well, but I wanted to thank you for taking me in and not forcing me into the foster care system. My death won't affect you that much, and I don't really know what else to say to you. All I can honestly say to you is thank you._

_Dear Maryse, _

_You're such a kind wonderful woman. I appreciate how you've always been so happy and comforting whenever I was over. It was nice to be in a stress free environment every once in a while, so thank you for giving me that chance._

_Dear Jace,_

_I honestly don't know what to say to you. You were the first person I talked to other than Simon. I don't know what we were, but it obviously meant nothing to you. You probably hate me just like everyone else does. I don't know what I did to you to get you to treat me this way, but I hope you're happy and have a good life. I liked being your friend, I liked the thought of being your friend, but the feelings weren't reciprocated. I understand that I guess. I think I liked you, Jace. I'm not sure whether I did or not, but I don't anymore. I hope you're glad I'm gone after that text you sent me. You hurt me, a lot. I just want you to know that and no matter how much I wish I could hate you I can't. You still meant something to me at one point and it's something that I am unable to let go of. _

_ I'm doing what you wanted me too. I hope you're happy I'm gone._

_Sage,_

_I'm not sure if you liked me or not, but you seemed like a cool person and I'm glad that I met you and had all of one day to get to know you. Thanks for being my guide. _

_ Thank you all of you, I love you,_

_ Clary Fray._

By the time I finished her suicide letter tears were slowly falling down my face. Clary liked me and I through that away. I through so much away and she thought that I hated her.

I folded the letter back up and stuck it in my pocket. I turned back to Clary's still form and pulled her even closer to me, holding her tight.

"I'll never let you go again." I swore softly to her kissing her face.

I don't know how much later, but Clary started stirring in my arms and slowly opened her eyes.

Her eyes were unfocused and she was looking around the room slowly, cringing a little bit.

Finally her beautiful eyes rested on me, "Hey Clary." I whispered softly, pressing a gentle kiss to her cheek.

* * *

**Sorry for the wait guys. School's been a bitch, and honestly so have the people. I haven't really been feeling it for this story. **

**I think it's close to being done. A couple more chapters. I'd say ten at most. **

**I'm not really sure what to say to you all right now. Not really in the mood for Author's Notes, so I hope you liked the chapter if not fine, whatever. I don't really care anymore. Have a great rest of the week guys.**

**You guys can also PM me reviews or whatever. I usually respond if you don't feel like leaving a review in the review section.**


	32. Chapter 32

CPOV

Everything was dark. Maybe death wasn't so bad after all.

Then I opened my eyes. It was really bright and I didn't know where I was. I was staring up at a ceiling.

Confusion swept over me. My head was killing me and so was my throat. It hurt really bad, I don't think cutting has ever hurt this bad.

I looked around in pain for a moment. This looks exactly like my room at Valentine's house.

My eyes continued there slow process of taking in where I was when I looked over and saw Jace.

My eyes squinted at him in confusion. Where the hell am I?

"Hey Clary." He whispered softly kissing me on the cheek.

Why is Jace with me?

Where the fuck am I? Last time I checked Jace was very much so alive.

That's when realization hit me. Hit me hard like a fucking semi-truck.

My suicide attempt failed.

My suicide attempt failed.

My suicide attempt failed.

My. Suicide. Attempt. Failed.

How did it fail? How could I not be dead? I should've just jumped into a damned river, or pond, or off a cliff!

Goddamn I'm an idiot!

Wait a minute, why is Jace here?

Jace was lying beside me, in my bed, staring at me.

"Why-" I stopped myself from asking the question because it hurt like a bitch to talk.

"Shh. We'll talk later Clary." He whispered running his hand through my hair.

I opened my mouth to try and speak again, but he wouldn't have it.

"We'll talk. Later, I promise Clary. Just close your eyes and try to rest, okay?" His voice was becoming hoarse and scratchy.

When I looked up at his face, it was red and his eyes were glistening like he was about to cry.

All of a sudden he pulled me tight against him. His arms held me tight like I would disappear the second he let go of me.

With his arms now wrapped tightly around me he laid his head on top of mine.

One of his hands was running up and down my back as if to reassure me that I was okay, but I think it was to reassure _him _that I was still here.

"I could've lost you." He whispered to me.

"I almost lost you, Clary. I almost lost you. You almost died." He said quietly.

Then I felt wetness on the top of my head.

Was Jace crying?

I would have looked up at him to confirm, but his death grip on me kept me from doing so.

"I can't lose you Clary." He continued, "Why would you try and kill yourself?" He sounded desperate, and started clutching me tighter, whether he meant to or not I am unsure.

"I'm such a dumbfuck Clary. Please forgive me. I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have let you go so easily. I promise I'll protect you from now on, but you can't just shut me out. I shouldn't have let Kaelie take my phone. I should have known-" That's when I cut him off having enough of this.

I couldn't pull back so I just talked where I was pressed against his chest, "What the fuck are you talking about Jace?" I asked hoarsely.

He shouldn't have done that? What did he do? Why is Kaelie suddenly a part of this?

"I'm so sorry Clary." Jace whispered.

"Jace." I looked him in the eye with questions racing through my pounding head, "What the fucking hell are you blabbering on about, and could you be a little quieter?" I asked quietly.

Jace just looked at me blankly.

I stared back at him urging him with my eyes to tell me what he was talking about.

When Jace didn't say anything I rolled over to go back to sleep.

His hand shot out and gripped my shoulder really hard. He turned me back around to face him really fast and it hurt my head to move that fast.

His eyes were wide and alert while he stared at me.

"What are you doing Clary?" He snapped out his voice sound anxious.

I narrowed my eyes, "Going to sleep. What else would I be doing, dumbass?" I snapped back annoyed that I couldn't just have a damn nap.

His eyes lost their frightened look slightly, and he sighed softly.

Then he pulled me into his chest, "Don't scare me like that again Clary." He whispered.

"So now you're talking to me?" I asked him sarcastically, trying to push him away. I want to know what he meant earlier when he was flipping tits on me!

"Clary…" Jace sighed looking at me sadly.

"Jace…" I mimicked giving him a cold glare.

He looked everywhere, but at me for a minute before his eyes locked with mine.

"I was really pissed after our phone call-" He started only to be cut off by me.

"You were pissed?" I scoffed, "You're the fucking prick who turned what I said against me." I spat out at him with as much venom as I could.

He just continued like I hadn't said anything, "I was pissed that I would do that to you, but I was being juvenile and I was also pissed at you…" He trailed off looking down again.

Jace sucked in a breath and looked at me again, not directly in the eyes this time though, "I went and slept with Aline just like you told me too." He confessed softly.

I stared at him taken aback. I was shocked. I wasn't expecting that, but maybe somewhere deep down I was.

He continued hesitantly, "I started sleeping with more girls again, like I used to, because I wanted you to call or text me and say that you missed me, something. After I screwed Kaelie she took my phone and she sent you that text from me. It wasn't me Clary. I swear! I don't want you to do that; I want you here by my side. You have such a bright future ahead of you, and you'll do such amazing things…" He trailed off again looking at me.

I just stared at him blankly.

What was I supposed to feel when he said that?

Well, considering it's me, I didn't feel. I just shut down.

I stared at Jace just waiting for him to say something, but apparently he was waiting for me to break this tense silence.

"Say something Clary." He whispered hoarsely, staring intensely trying to find something, _anything_, to indicate how I feel.

He was wasting his time.

I perfected my mask, so he would never figure out what I feel.

Honestly, I'm not sure how I feel though.

I'm hurt. He was so sweet and caring and gentle and I thought maybe he actually liked me.

I think I actually liked him too….

Pissed. I was pissed that he thought that it was okay to go and fuck everyone he saw!

Once a whore always a whore though, right?

That was actually in a Paramore song. Misery Business: Once a whore you're nothing more I'm sorry that'll never change.

This is a perfect fucking example of that because Jace used to be a whore, we had a fight, and he went and fucked up, literally fucked.

He was joking right? The Jace he turned out to be surely wouldn't do that!

Then again, there's no way he would lie about it either.

"Clary." Jace whispered shaking me a little, "Say something Clary, please." His eyes were desperate as he continued to gage my reaction.

I didn't know what to say. It hurts to know that he would do that to me.

"Get out." I whispered softly.

His eyes shattered right there. They lost all emotion except for guiltiness.

"Clary. I'm so sorry! I was upset and I wasn't thinking clearly. I thought you hated me, but when I found out Kaelie sent you that text and found you on the floor it scared the shit out of me to know I could lose you! I can't lose you Clary, please. I'm sorry I fucked up, but I didn't mean it."

Jace continued rambling on, but I wasn't listening anymore. My eyes started drifting closed and I couldn't keep them open for much longer.

"Clary!" Jace yelled pushing me.

I bolted right up scared shitless.

"What?" I asked breathlessly.

"I don't want you to go to sleep. What if you fall asleep and then don't wake up again?" He was staring at me anxiously.

I shrugged at him. "I'm fine Jace. See?" I said holding out an arm.

"Will you please just go? Don't talk to me for a while." I told him softly.

You could visibly see him deflate.

"I'm so sorry Clare." He said sadly, looking down.

"I need to think about it." I whispered softly.

Jace just nodded his head accepting what I said.

I slowly started to sit up in bed. I needed to get back to Jonathon's house.

What if he was worrying about me? What if he was trying to find me?

These thoughts made me rush to leave. When I stood up; however, a wave of dizziness took over me and I stumbled to the side slightly.

Jace caught my arm. When was he so close to me?

"Can I at least drive you to where you're staying?" Jace asked, his golden eyes pleading with me for this one thing.

"Only if you promise not to come and visit." I told him seriously. I really don't want to walk home with the way I'm feeling, so getting a ride from Jace couldn't be all _that_ bad, right?

"I promise. Only if you text, or call, and ask me to." He replied just as seriously.

I nodded and started walking out of my old bedroom. My head still kind of hurt.

"Jace?" I asked looking up at him as we walked down the hall.

"Mm?" He hummed looking at me.

"Can I have some Motrin or Tylenol or something? My head is killing me." I pleaded.

Jace was shaking his head _no_ before I even finished my sentence.

"Why not?" I asked stubbornly, pouting at him.

"Because you just fucking overdosed on Motrin!" He yelled at me.

I cringed away at how loud his voice was. Also, it startled me because he's been so calm about it up until this point.

He ran a hand down his face. "I'm sorry, Clare, I'm just worried about you. I almost lost you today and it's not easy to deal with." Jace said quietly as he stared at the ground between us.

"I'm sorry." I whispered. I am not one hundred percent sure why I'm apologizing, but it seems like the right thing to do at the moment.

Jace looked at me. "Do you want a glass of water before we go?" He asked gently.

I shook my head, staring at him.

"Alright, let us go then." He smiled a small, sad, smile before wrapping one of his arms around my shoulder pulling me close to his body.

I let him.

We walked to his car in silence. On the way there we didn't do a lot of talking either just the occasional turn left here, turn right.

When we got to where I was now living with my step-dad Jace turned in his seat to look at me.

"I know you may not want to talk to me, but please promise me you won't try to kill yourself again." Jace begged. He grabbed hold of one of my hands as his sad eyes stared into my lifeless ones.

"I'll try not to." I muttered bitterly looking away from him.

He shook my hands and grasped them tighter, "No, Clary! Promise me you won't!" He said his voice rising higher in desperation.

"I don't make promises that I'm unsure of whether I can keep them or not." I told him darkly still looking away.

He sighed and rested his head against our hands. "You promise to try not to?" He asked picking his head up and looking at me.

"That is what I said." I remarked.

"I can't lose you Clary." He said quietly.

I glanced at him, not sure what to say.

"Maybe I'll see you soon Clary." Jace said staring at my face.

Then he leaned in and kissed my cheek delicately before moving backwards and unlocking the doors.

"Thanks for the ride Jace." I said softly.

"My pleasure Clary." He smiled one last small, sad, smile at me as I got out of the car and headed up to Jonathon's house.

Once inside I closed the door and leaned against it.

My head was killing me, but I probably shouldn't take any kind of medicine for it because it might just kill me.

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and pushed myself off the door to head up to my room.

"Clarissa!" Jonathon yelled.

I cringed at the loud noise, but walked around until I found him in the kitchen.

He was glaring at me.

"Yes sir?" I asked quietly.

"What the hell do you think you were doing?" He snapped.

"I just… I had some problems and a friend…. I did something stupid." I settled on after a little trailing off.

"What kind of problems?" Jonathon sneered.

Why was he acting like this? He's seemed so nice until now.

That's when I noticed that his breath smelled like liquor and his words were beginning to slur.

Oh great. He's drunk.

I might as well tell the truth because he won't remember it anyways.

"I… I tried to kill myself." I murmured.

"No! You can't just fucking do that! Jocelyn would have wanted better for you!" He slammed his hand down on the table. "You're so much like her with your looks." He said, softer now.

I just nodded my head unsure of what to say.

"Jocelyn I've missed you." He slurred looking straight at me.

* * *

**Sorry for the wait. I have been busy lately getting ready for the first football game and starting school. **

**I will be staying and school pretty much every day except Friday after school until the play is over (I made it in the musical) and then I may not even be getting home until midnight on Fridays depending on how far away the football games all that shit is. **

**School. -_-**

**Sorry for the wait. I hope you enjoy this chapter. I didn't proof read because I'm bone ass tired and I said I'd get it out sooner than that last one, so hear it is.**

**So, I've been tossing around quite a few ideas for a new story. Would anyone be interested in reading another story by me once this one's done.**

**Also, I've had an idea for a song fic, is that still a thing or not? Would that interest any of you at all?**

**Your reviews make me happy and I appreciate all of you. Thanks guys.**


	33. Chapter 33

CPOV

"What?" I choked out staring at Jonathon with a look that told him he was crazy. How drunk was he?

"You can't just continue leaving me Jocelyn!" He roared slamming his hand down on the table.

I jumped.

"Jonathon, I'm not Jocelyn, I'm Clary; you're step daughter." I told him rushing.

"Don't lie to me Jocelyn." He stood up pushing his chair back as he did so.

"Jonathon! Knock it off! You're fucking drunk!" I shouted at him as he started walking closer to me.

Now he was a few feet away from me.

Jonathon reached out a hand and rested it softly against my cheek.

"I've missed you Jocelyn. I've missed you so much." He said softly, staring into my eyes.

I just looked at him with a deer in the headlights look as he started to rub his thumb back and forth across my cheek.

He pulled me into his chest and hugged me tight.

Jonathon started mumbling things incoherently and kissed the top of my head.

I was in a daze. I didn't know what was going on or what to do. He was drunk.

Jonathon's a nice person, but I've seen him drunk only once.

Jonathon misses Jocelyn.

Jonathon thinks I'm Jocelyn…?

I didn't know what to do so I just stood there frozen as he hugged me.

After a while he pulled away and looked at me.

He put both his hands on my cheeks, holding me in my place. He was staring into my eyes, and I was getting antsy.

Then he leaned in and kissed me on the mouth.

I made a startled noise, and pushed him away from me.

Pushing him was a lot easier than I expected it would be but it was probably because he was drunk.

My heart started racing and my eyes grew wide in alarm. I stared at Jonathon as he stumbled backwards away from me.

"Jocelyn, don't be like that." He slurred looking at me.

He started to approach me again and I didn't hesitate to turn and run out of the door, back the way I came.

I turned swiftly on my heel and bolted to the door flinging it open. I didn't bother shutting it, just kept running.

I heard Jonathon yelling behind me, "Jocelyn! Get back here! Goddammit Jocelyn!"

How fucking drunk was he?

I continued running.

My heart was beating wildly in my chest.

If I had stayed there what would he have done to me? I don't know, but I sure as hell do not want to find out.

As I continued running blindly my heart rate began to decrease ever so slowly.

I couldn't tell you how long I'd been running, but I was out of breath and red cheeked. My breaths came out as pants and I slowed to a jog, walk, and then stop. I placed my hands on my thighs and bent of slightly to try and catch my breath.

I have nowhere to go.

That realization dawned on me as I stood panting.

I didn't want to go back to Jonathon.

I slowly lowered myself to the ground so that I could sit.

Once sitting I pulled my knees up to my chest and placed my hand on my knees.

Going to Valentine's house was something that I didn't want to do, but that may be my only option.

Sure, I could always call Izzy and ask her, but that would lead to the fact that I might see Jace which is something that I didn't want to do.

I wasn't going back to Jonathon's now.

Jonathon.

What if he is right on my trail and running after me?

I bolted up from my sitting position into a standing run, looked behind me, and took off running again.

I had slightly caught my breath, but it soon left me as I ran.

Jonathon finding me was not something that I wanted to happen.

He knew where Valentine lived though. What if he went there to look for me?

Would he even come after me?

He was really shitfaced after all. Maybe he's passed out at the table.

That's not a chance I'm willing to risk though. I don't want to go back to deal with _that_again.

I slowed my run to a jog.

Maybe I should call Izzy.

Just because I go over to her house doesn't mean that I'm going to run into Jace right?

Well, it's not a lot of reassurance, but I suppose it is better than taking the risk of Jonathon finding me back in Valentine's house.

I slowed my jog to a walk and pulled my phone out of my pocket.

I flicked through my contacts until I found Izzy's.

After hitting the call button I pressed my phone to my ear as I continued my speed walk.

It went straight to her voicemail.

Great. Just great.

I can call Jace and go to his house, sleep on the side of the road and risk being killed out here, or go to Valentine's and risk being caught by Jonathon.

Which of the three would be the best option?

Even though I'm pissed at Jace I guess that would be a better option than being killed, or found by Jonathon.

Sighing I called Jace.

Surprisingly he picked up on the first ring.

"Clary?" He asked quickly.

"No, I'm Satan." I said dryly.

He chuckled a little bit, "Are you talking to me again?" He asked me sounding hopeful.

"Look Jace, as much as it pains me to say this, I need your help." I said quietly.

I hate admitting that I need help. It makes me sound weak and vulnerable.

He quieted for a minute.

"What do you need help with Clary?"

"Could you come pick me up? I just need somewhere to stay right now." I told him quietly.

Noticing that my walking has slowed I pick it back up into a speed walk.

"Did Jonathon kick you out?" Jace questions immediately.

"No, Jonathon didn't kick me out… It's just… " I trail off not really sure how to explain the situation with Jonathon.

I can't really just be like, 'Oh yeah, my step-dad think's I'm my mom back from the dead is all and is completely wasted.'

That probably wouldn't end to well.

"It's just what Clary?" Jace pushed.

Sighing I said, "I'll tell you later. Will you please come get me?"

"Of course I will. Just tell me where you are."

"I don't know where I am." God I'm such an idiot. I didn't pay any attention to the street signs or where I was going.

Maybe, hopefully my subconscious kept me on the path that leads to Valentine's house.

"I can't come get you if I don't know where you are." He said quietly.

"I think I'm between Jonathon's house and Valentine's. Could you at least drive the way between their houses and see if you find me? Please?" I pleaded.

"Okay." He answered.

"Thank you, Jace." I said quietly.

"No problem Clare. If I can't find you I'll call you back, okay?"

I nodded and then realized that he couldn't see my head moving and answered, "Okay."

Jace hung up and kept my speed walk up until I started to see some familiar land marks that proved that I was indeed on the right path to Valentine's house.

A little bit later Jace's car pulled up on the side of the road next to me.

He pushed open the door and patted the passenger seat inviting me to sit down.

I sat down and closed the door.

He started driving and we rode in a slightly awkward silence.

Jace kept glancing over at me as he drove. He didn't really say anything.

I guess the silence finally got to him because he cracked, "What happened with Jonathon, Clary?" He asked abruptly, looking at me.

"Just… things." I reply vaguely, looking out my window.

"Clary. It can't have been 'things' if you wanted me to come pick you up." Jace said sounding annoyed.

"I don't know how to explain it."

"Well maybe just explaining what happened would be a good start." He responded dryly.

"Jonathon was drunk when I got home. He was sitting at the kitchen table and, I guess he thought I was Jocelyn. He started yelling at me about how I couldn't leave him again-" Jace cut me off.

"What do you mean 'you couldn't leave him again'?" He asked sharply glancing at me before turning his attention back to the road.

"Well, he asked me where I was and I told him that I tried to kill myself, he's drunk so he won't remember anyways, and then he started yelling." I informed him quickly.

Jace just glanced at me with an eyebrow raised without saying anything.

I took that as my cue to continue what happened.

"He told me that Jocelyn would have wanted better for me and then he started yelling that I couldn't leave him again. He thought I was _Jocelyn._" I could feel my heart begin to race at the thought of what happened next.

"He walked up to me and hugged me." I said, my voice getting a lot softer, "Then he started mumbling things, I couldn't understand them. I tried telling him that I wasn't Jocelyn. I tried to tell him that I was his step-daughter, but I don't think he heard me. Then he-" I stopped as tears started to run down my face.

I don't know why I was crying over this. Crying is such a stupid thing to do. Especially now. Crying is a sign of weakness, and right now I'm letting my weakness show.

I hiccupped a little and tried to stop my crying.

Jace looked at me and put his hand on my cheek. I pulled away from him.

He sighed and looked back out at the road, "It's okay to cry Clary." Jace said softly, "Crying's a natural thing and it shows that you're not a stone cold person. It shows that you have feelings. It's not a weakness."

I just nodded allowing the tears to flow down my face. I bit my lip.

I took a deep breath and continued telling Jace what happened, "He cupped my face with his hands and he just stared at me. Then he leaned in and he…" I trail off looking out the window.

I look over to Jace and see that he's looking at me, but turns his gaze back to the road.

"He kissed me." I finished quietly. "I shoved him away from me and then he told me not to be like that and tried to come closer to me again. I ran out of the house after that and he started yelling at me. Told me not to leave him again." I finish in a rush.

"He kissed you?" Jace asked calmly.

"Yes." I looked over at him and saw that his knuckles were beginning to turn white from his grip on the steering wheel.

"What the fuck?" He shouted turning his gaze quickly to me. The car swerved and he immediately focused his attention back on the road.

"He was drunk, Jace." I don't even know why I'm trying to defend him. I barely know the man and he's gotten weird both times that I've seen him drunk.

"Has this happened before?" Jace asks angrily.

"No." I reply calmly. He didn't do this last time. He just woke me up from my nightmare and asked me if I wanted him to stay with me.

I shook my head to get rid of those thoughts.

"So this is the first time?" Jace pressed.

I just nodded my head. I didn't particularly want to tell him about the first time Jonathon was drunk.

"We're here now." Jace said looking out the windshield at his house.

I got out of the car and closed the door softly, then waited for Jace to start walking up to the house.

He walked over to me and we started walking up to the house together.

"Why didn't you call Izzy?" He asked curiously looking over at me.

"Her phone was off." I told him.

"Well, she did go out tonight so I guess that makes sense." Jace mused.

"Where'd she go?" I ask looking up at him.

We were now in front of the door and he just smiled at me, "Some party that someone from school was throwing." He answered.

"Why didn't you go?" Jace never stays home when someone's throwing a party.

"No one would have been there that I wanted to hang out with." He answered shrugging.

We walked upstairs and into the hallway before Jace spoke again, "Do you want a shower?" He asked me.

I nodded my head. I felt all sweaty from what happened today. It was an eventful day. I guess two days.

"Well you know where the bathroom is. You can sleep in Izzy's room if you want. If not I can show you somewhere else to sleep." Jace told me.

"Thank you." I said before walking to the bathroom.

I got out a towel, locked the door, and started a really hot shower.

* * *

JPOV

I walked to my room after Clary entered the bathroom. I heard her lock the door.

I was so excited when Clary called me. I thought that maybe she wasn't mad at me anymore, but she did have every right to still be upset.

I walked over to my closet and pulled out a pair of basketball pants and boxers.

I put them on and walked over to my bed.

I lay down on my bed and stared up at the ceiling.

When I picked her up her hair was a mess and she was completely red faced and sweaty.

When I saw Jonathon he didn't seem like the type of guy that would do that. I guess looks really do deceive though don't they?

It shocked me that he kissed Clary. How drunk was that guy?

Also, I get the feeling that Clary wasn't completely telling the truth about how many times she's seen him drunk. It just felt like she was holding something back if it wasn't the drunk thing.

She's here now though, and I can watch out for her.

She'll probably go sleep in Isabelle's room. She usually does.

I got off my bed and went to turn my light out. Once the light was off I walked back to my bed and got under the covers.

I closed my eyes, but couldn't fall asleep. I was tired, but sleep was evading me.

Sleep's just a bitch. It always leaves us once we lay down to go to bed.

I rolled over to see if a different position would help me and laid like that for a few minutes.

After a while I rolled over to see if a new position would help.

Then I heard a knock on my door.

"Come in!" I yelled.

I heard the door open slowly and looked to see who it was.

I couldn't see though because my room was to dark.

"Turn on the light." I said.

The blinding yellow light came on and I covered my eyes with my hands. After my eyes adjusted I looked to see who it was. It was Clary.

She was holding a small pile of clothes folded up neatly in her hands.

"Hey." I said sitting up.

She smiled a small smile at me, "Can I borrow some clothes? I don't like Izzy's clothes and I don't want to sleep in these…" She held up her pile of clothes and trailed off. She looked down at the floor, shifting on her feet.

"Yeah, sure." I told her getting out of bed and walking over to my closet.

I pulled out a small shirt and pair of shorts to give to her.

I walked over to her and handed them over. "Here you go." I smiled a little at her.

"Thanks." She said quietly and went back to the bathroom.

I shut my door, turned off my lights, and went back to lie on my bed.

Eventually I fell asleep.

* * *

I woke up in the middle of the night to hear someone screaming.

It was a desperate sort of scream that made you think someone was in trouble and made your blood run cold.

I shot upright in my bed and listened.

The person screaming sounded like a girl. I assumed Izzy would have crashed at someone else's place. She rarely came home after parties.

The only other girl in the house would be Clary.

Her screaming continued and I shot out of bed.

* * *

**So, I was right. I had our first football game yesterday and didn't get home until midnight. **

**Sorry if this chapter sucks. **

**Thanks for the reviews in the last chapter, they made me happy. **

**I have no idea what to say, so I hope you like it.**


	34. Chapter 34

JPOV

As I neared Izzy's room the screams got louder.

I ran into Izzy's room without bothering to knock.

The lights were off and the screams were really loud now. I stumbled amid Izzy's clutter to get to her light switch.

When I turned the light on I looked immediately toward Izzy's bed.

Clary was laying there thrashing and screaming at the top of her lungs.

Does Clary get nightmares often? She never really had one when I stayed with her.

I carefully, yet hurriedly, made my way over to Izzy's bed to get to Clary.

Once I was close enough I got on the bed and scooted into the middle so I was closer to Clary.

The sheets were wrapped around her small body, tangled in her legs. Her, _my_, shirt had ridden up on her and I could see the cuts that danced along the pale, sensitive, skin on her stomach. I could also see he cuts on her arms and legs.

I reached a hand over and set it on her shoulder and tried to shake her awake.

She pulled away from my hand and continued screaming.

"Simon!" Clary yelled. I looked at her to see if she had woken up. To this point all of her screams were just out of fear or anger, or something.

This time though she screamed 'Simon'. So her nightmare was about him.

I got up on my knees and moved over to her. I put both my hands on her shoulders and moved so that I was straddling her waist.

I held her down so she'd stop thrashing and started shaking her shoulders gently.

"Clary! Clary, wake up! You're having a nightmare!" I called out to her, hoping to wake her up from her dream.

She stilled for a minute, but then started struggling to get out from under me and screaming again.

"Clary! Wake up!" I yelled again.

Her eyes flew open and she tried to sit up, but because I was on top of her she couldn't sit up all that well.

Her beautiful green eyes were wide with alarm and alert. They darted around the room and then rested on me.

"Jace?" She croaked out.

I assumed her throat was dry from all the screaming that she's been doing.

"Hey." I said softly, looking at her, "Are you okay?" I asked gently.

"Yeah, I'm fine." She said hoarsely, her green eyes guarded.

"What was your nightmare about?" I asked carefully.

"You wanna get off of me?" She asked narrowing her eyes at me.

"Nah." I said teasingly, smirking at her a little bit.

Clary rolled her eyes at me. "Can I have a glass of water?" She asked.

"Is that you way of trying to get me off of you?" I asked her tauntingly.

"Oh my God, Jace. You're so fucking annoying." She snapped.

"Somebody's moody after nightmares." I grumbled getting off of her to go get a glass of water.

I'm glad that she's okay. It made me pretty scared when I woke up to hear her screaming like that. That's one thing that is not very pleasant to wake up to.

I got some water and headed back up to Izzy's room.

When I got up there the lights were off again. My brows furrowed in confusion. I turned the lights back on and realized that Clary wasn't in here anymore.

Where'd she go?

I turned the light back off, closed Izzy's door, and walked to my room.

Clary was in there sitting on the edge of my bed fiddling with her hands in her lap.

I walked over to Clary and sat down beside her.

"Hey, what are you doing in here?" I asked her quietly holding the glass of water out to her.

"I don't want to be in Isabelle's room anymore." She mumbled still looking at her hands.

"So… You want to sleep in here?" I asked hesitantly.

She nodded her head slightly and took a sip of water out of the glass.

"Why isn't Isabelle here?" Clary glanced at me before she quickly turned her head back to her hands.

"She probably crashed at a friend's house for the night. She usually doesn't come home after parties." I told her.

We sat on the edge of my bed in silence. Me looking at Clary and Clary staring at her hands in her lap, her hair falling around her face blocking her from me.

After a while Clary spoke up again, "I miss Simon, Jace." She whispered hoarsely.

Her voice was thick like she was either holding tears back or was crying.

I wasn't sure what to say to her. What were you supposed to say when someone with so many walls to protect themselves finally took a few off to admit that they were in pain? I don't know how to comfort a girl. I don't do well with that.

Yet, here's Clary ready to cry and confessing to me that she actually _is_ hurting and I have no idea what to say to her.

"I just... I just miss him so much. He was the only person in my life who solidly stayed by me. Jocelyn left me with the promise that she'd come back, but she never did." Clary started talking again, "Valentine drank himself to death. He hated me so much that he went off and killed himself. I'm pretty sure the only reason Jonathon took me in was out of pity." Clary hiccupped and sniffled and brought one of her hands up to rub her face.

"Simon was there for me the whole time. When Jocelyn left he would talk to me and encourage me to hold on, that she would come back. I told him. I told him Jace, a while ago, I told him that I wanted to start cutting. Jace, I told him I wouldn't do it. I promised not to, Jace. I broke that. Simon was the only person that I felt completely safe with. I-" Clary broke off crying.

She wrapped her arms around herself and her small body began shaking with her sobs.

I don't like seeing girls cry. I usually just turn the other cheek, but Clary only had one person there when she needed to cry. It hurt, it was a gut wrenching pain, to see Clary sitting here on my bed, scars visible, looking so broken.

Clary, strong, brave, tough, independent, Clary is breaking down to the world; admitting that she is feeling pain.

I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her to my chest. She turned and grabbed my shirt and started sobbing.

I could feel her tears soaking through my shirt as she continued to cry.

Hesitantly, I started rubbing my hands up and down her back slowly.

Telling her that everything would be okay would be an idiotic thing for me to do. It doesn't matter what it's going to be in the future. She's been clinging onto the past and Simon told her to just hold on for the future.

Clary's in pain though. She doesn't need to hold on to the future. She needs to let go of the past.

I laid my cheek on top of her head as I continued to run my hands up and down her back.

Her body was shaking with sobs and she'd hiccup every now and then.

"I miss him so goddamn much Jace. I want to hate him. I want to hate him for leaving me, Jace. I wish I could, but I can't. Simon was my rock. Simon was my solid in life the one thing I could hold onto and now he's gone and so is my sanity. Sometimes I think that when Simon died my sanity left too." Clary broke off as she hiccupped again and gripped my shirt tighter.

"Feelings used to mean so much to me, but when Simon died I.. I- I- I didn't want to- to feel the.. the pain of Simon's d-death." Her words began to get chopper and she started sobbing even harder, "I.. I don't know why I went back on my- my p-p-promise, but I-I did it. I cut. It took my- my pain away Ja- Jace. It made me feel better! It- it numbed the pa- pain of everything I- I didn't want to- to feel, and it.. it made me think th- that pain wasn't that bad." She stopped talking again and quieted down for a minute.

"It helped me to not feel the pain I didn't want to deal with." She whispered, "Cutting took the pain away I- I thought that it was making me a better person. I thou- thought that maybe if I was a bet- better person then no one would leave me anymore. That I wouldn't be so- so damaged."

"I'm a fucked up person, Jace! What person would do this to themselves?" She yelled at me pulling away and indicating all of her scars.

"If I was better maybe my parents would have stayed with me, maybe- maybe-" She broke off again as she fell back into my chest and began sobbing uncontrollably.

I tightened my arms around her and picked her up and sat her in my lap rubbing her back softly.

What was I supposed to say to this? Clary, unbreakable Clary, just admitted to me that she's completely broken.

"Clary," I started, "You can't blame yourself for Valentine and Jocelyn leaving you. You're not perfect Clary, no one is, but you're an amazing person. No matter what life throws at you you've managed to always pick your head up and smile for the sake of others." I told her softly.

Her small frame was still shaking in my arms, but her cries had begun to soften a little bit.

"You need to start thinking of yourself though, Clary. It's not a weakness to show that you have feelings. I understand now that cutting was your way of hiding those feelings, but feelings are what make a person. Simon wouldn't have wanted this for you Clary. I know he wanted you to hold onto hope of the future, but you need to let go of the past. You can't keep tormenting yourself over the 'what-ifs' of life because it will tear you apart from the inside. People won't pick on you because you have feelings. The kids at our school are a bunch of assholes. You're not damaged Clary. You just strayed off the road a little and lost yourself. But now you can make yourself an even better Clary. You'll be stronger now that you've gone through all of this."

She stilled in my arms, but her iron tight grip remained on my shirt.

"You're an amazing person Clary. I'm glad that I got to know you, I'm glad that you trust me enough to tell me these things. You're beautiful Clary. You don't need to be skinnier, Valentine lied to you, your weight is fine. If anything you could stand to gain a little more weight. You have an amazing personality. You're strong, intelligent, brave, honest, all in all amazing. You don't need to change yourself for anyone. If anyone says you're not good enough they can go fuck themselves. Nobody should have to feel as much self-hate as you do Clary. You need to let go of it." I told her softly.

She started speaking almost as soon as I'd stopped talking, "How? I can't just let go of it. Look at me Jace! When I see myself I feel disgusted. Nobody could ever love someone with scars all over their body. Who in their right mind could? Who could love me when I can't even love myself?" She choked out.

"I'm messed up. All I can see when I look at myself is a weak girl who couldn't stand the world and fucked up her body because it's what people wanted. I'm disgusted when I see myself. It's no wonder why Valentine and Jocelyn left when they got the chance. They didn't love me because of how messed up I am. You can't even look at me without seeing how fucking damaged I am!" Clary started crying again and buried her face farther into my chest.

"People will love you for who you are inside Clary. Not what's on the outside. You are very much so lovable Clary. I love you. Jocelyn and Valentine missed out on having an amazing daughter in their lives if they were too naïve to see how amazing you are. I promise to help you see how amazing you are Clary. I won't let anyone hurt you anymore. I want you to see yourself how I see you." I told her honestly. I was telling Clary my heart-felt opinion and she was pouring her heart out to me.

"I don't want to be broken anymore Jace." Clary whispered hoarsely to me.

She picked her head up and looked at me. Her doe eyes were full of an innocence that wanted to be there.

Her eyes were glistening and red rimmed. She had tears falling down her face which was now red and very puffy.

I gingerly cupped her soft face with my hands and wiped the tears away from her eyes gently, staring back at her.

"I want to let go, Jace. I want to be better. I don't want to be damaged anymore." She whispered to me.

"I'll help you. I promise that. Every day, Clary, I will show you how much you mean to me and how amazing you are. I'll help you let go of Simon. I'll help you." I swore to her.

Clary looked at me and sniffled a little, then slightly nodded her head.

We sat like that for a few minutes.

That's when it all settled in for me.

The indestructible Clary just admitted to me how she honestly felt.

Clary who built up wall after wall after wall after being hurt so much just stripped them all away and poured her heart out to me.

The one girl people thought could never break was broken for so long and hid it so well and no one ever noticed.

Sweet, innocent, Clary, had all these deep dark emotions pent up inside of her.

She was screaming silently for help. Pleading for someone to realize that she's in pain so she could open up, but no one ever noticed.

She laid her head back down wrapping her arms around my torso and began talking softly again, "When Simon first died, I tried so hard to build up the nerve to kill myself. I was too weak to do it though." She muttered bitterly.

"I wanted so desperately to be with him. Nothing else seemed to matter to me. Everyone at school hates me. Valentine hated me. Isabelle abandoned me. I was truly alone when Simon died. I thought I would be doing the world a favor if I just offed myself." She continued.

"But you wouldn't-" I started to protest, but she kept talking like I hadn't even started talking.

"Then I got that text from you and I thought it was truly over. I felt so happy and peaceful when that darkness enveloped me. All I could think was 'Simon I'm finally going to be with you again.' Death wasn't as bad as I imagined it would be. It didn't hurt that much. It was kind of peaceful."

As Clary started talking I felt my own eyes begin to water as she told this dark story.

"Death seemed like my only friend. Death was waiting, calling to me, with open arms just waiting for me. I was on the edge of the cliff and I could either step off into the arms of death and explore the unknown and find Simon, or stay here. I was teetering on the edge."

She took a deep breath, "I went to make that jump yesterday, Jace. I was so happy. I felt that maybe I could fix everything here I messed up if I died. It's what everyone wanted me to do, so why not give it to them?" She shrugged a little.

Tears started falling down my face slowly as she said this.

"I felt so calm when I thought it was over. I just kept thinking that I had finally done it and the battle was over. I wanted so desperately for it to be over, Jace, so desperately." She whispered.

She looked up at me and tears were streaming down her face again. Her eyes got a confused look when she saw that I was crying.

I grabbed her face gently. "Don't ever say anything like that again, Clary. I couldn't imagine losing you now. I don't want you to ever feel that way again. That's a terrifying thing for you to say you felt like. I don't want to lose you." I told her hoarsely.

"I'm just another person taking up space that somebody better could have." She muttered angrily looking down.

"Look at me, Clary." I commanded softly she looked up at me through her lashes, "Nobody better than you could have taken your place. You're on this planet for a reason Clary. Clary, I'm too selfish to let you go. You can't leave me; it would break me to lose you to the ways of the world." I told her with a lot f force to my voice.

"I'm sorry." She whispered biting her lip as tears continued falling down her now red face.

I just hugged her tightly to me. Her chin rested against my shoulder and her arms wrapped around my neck.

I wrapped my arms around her waist holding her tightly in fear that if I let her go she would vanish.

After a long time of sitting like that I finally released her.

She had stopped crying a while ago, but she was still sniffling softly every now and then.

When I pulled away I looked at her face.

Now I could read her eyes and see all the pain she had hidden there, tucked away from the world, and I realized just how high her walls were built up.

Clary was hurt beyond words, and she protected that better than anyone could have.

All that pain was right there on the surface for me to see now.

"Are you ready for bed?" I asked quietly.

Clary nodded her head once and I crawled up to the covers and got under them.

Clary followed my path and got under the covers also.

She pulled my blanket up to her chin and scooted backwards, closer to me.

Her back was pressed up against my chest now.

After she didn't move away, I hesitantly wrapped one of my arms around her waist.

When she didn't shrug me off I tightened my grip and pulled her closer to me.

Having Clary this close to me without fighting me felt right.

It made me feel whole.

I smiled in the darkness of my room and rested my head above Clary's.

I kissed her cheek and then returned my head to its spot above Clary's.

One of her small hands came up and covered the one I had laying across her stomach.

Her small hand was cold, but I liked this feeling.

She laced her hand through mine and then stilled.

I could only hope that when she wakes up tomorrow she won't regret anything. That may be my biggest fear as of the moment.

After a few moments of silence from Clary I closed my eyes.

Then I whispered into the darkness before drifting off to sleep.

"I love you."

* * *

**So, I procrastinated my math homework for you guys. I hope your happy.**

**I didn't proof read because I have math homework, so I apologize now in advance for my mistakes. **

**Would anyone be interested in collaborating on a story with me? I think that would be a fun thing to do. If that interests you send me a PM. It just sounds like it would be fun to me, but whatever.**

**I may not update for a while. Play practice, band practice, and I am now sick. So basically: Not getting home until 6:30, doing homework, then sleeping to get better. **

**I apologize for this. **

**If I don't update until Saturday I hope you all have a wonderful week. **


	35. Chapter 35

**Okay, so for anyone else who was confused it was Jace who said "I love you" at the end of the last chapter. **

JPOV

"Sometimes I just don't know what to believe in." Clary murmured sleepily. "I used too. I used to know exactly what I believed in, but now I'm not sure what to believe. Do I believe Valentine, or you? Do I believe people at school or Simon?" She asked turning her head to look up at me.

I looked down at her, "You believe me. I'll tell you the truth no matter what Clary." I whispered.

I bent my head down and kissed her nose softly before pulling away.

Her eyes were still a little glossy, she had a nightmare and now it was five in the morning.

I wrapped my arms around her tighter pulling her small body closer to mine.

This was something that I could get used to; having Clary in my arms being honest with me.

"I just don't want to hurt anymore, Jace. I don't want to believe something. I don't want to feel anything." She said quietly.

"Everybody feels something Clary, like I've told you multiple times before: us feeling things make us human." I told her just as quietly. "Nobody wants to get hurt, Clary. Nobody wants to deal with pain, but some things are worth hurting for. You just need to realize that." I whispered rubbing her shoulder gently.

Clary pulled away from me and sat on the edge of the bed. I sat up and scooted across to her.

"But I don't want to hurt." She choked out, "All those days I would go home and listen to Valentine tell me what a shitty person I am. Kids at school telling me that I'm terrible; I can only imagine what they're saying now that both my parents are dead. I bet that they're all blaming me, or saying that it's understandable that they're dead." Clary said bitterly.

I wrapped an arm around her shoulder and pulled her closer to me.

She was right, people were saying terrible things about her and her almost committing suicide proves it. Clary's smart, so there's really no point in lying to her about it.

She'd know I was lying.

"It doesn't matter what those people say to you Clare. What matters is the people who care about you. People who spread hate only feel hate themselves. You just can't listen to them. What Valentine said about you doesn't matter. He was an idiot for not see what an amazing person you are Clary."

I started rubbing my hand absent mindedly up and down her arm and kissed the top of her head.

"It's hard not to." She choked out staring at the wall in front of her.

"I know that it's hard, and I promise I'll do everything I can to show you what an amazing person you are." I swore to her.

"Hah. Good luck with that. I'm more stubborn than you are!" She looked up at me with a small smile on her face that vanished quickly.

"We'll just see about that Clary, we'll see." I said.

We sat in a comfortable silence after that.

Clary fiddled with her hands, which seems to be her nervous habit I've noticed, and I rubbed my hand up and down her arm soothingly.

"Jace?" Clary asked quietly.

"Mm?" I hummed back to her.

"How am I supposed to forget Simon?" She looked up at me with her eyes red-rimmed and now glossy.

"No one expects you to forget Simon, Clare. You don't have to. He's your friend and you're supposed to remember him; however, you do need to let him go. You can't keep holding onto how he used to be your rock and how he used to always be there." I took a breath collecting my thoughts and what she needed to hear at this moment and continued, "You need to find someone else you can trust Clary. You can't hold on to him to be your rock. No matter how much you loved him that won't bring him back. Let me be your rock Clary. I want to be able to hold you when you cry. I want you to come and talk to me whenever you're feeling upset. I want you to know that you can lean on me. I want you to be able to trust me." I told her honestly.

"I can't, Jace. I can't let go of Simon. I can't place my burdens on you anymore than I already am. Why should you have to deal with my problems? You shouldn't. It's a burden for you to have to act like you care and to listen." Clary argued.

"I honestly do care about you Clary. It's not a burden to me. I want to help you. I really want to help you and I would be honored if you would start coming to me when you're upset. I know it'll be hard for you to let go of Simon, and I want to help you with that. I want to be your support system. I honestly do."

Clary was silent for a moment and then turned her head to look at me.

"You honestly want to help me?" She asked quietly biting her lip.

"I would be honored to help you Clary. You're my friend and I care about you. I care about you so much and if you would I would be honored to help you move on." I answered honestly staring back at her.

Her eyes flicked down to the ground for a moment before flicking back up to meet mine again, "I'd like that." She said so softly that I barely heard her.

I felt my heart swell with hopes at what could happen if she let me help her. Maybe she'd finally put her walls down and we could become something more and she would start trusting me more.

"I'd love that." I whispered back to her.

She smiled one of her small smiles at me before looking away again.

"Are you feeling better now?" I asked her, referring to the nightmare she had.

"Yeah, I'm feeling fine now, thanks." She replied meekly.

"Do you want to go back to bed now?" I asked.

"Yeah, I guess." She answered simply.

I went and laid back down and waited for Clary to do the same. Once she was lying down and moved closer towards her and wrapped an arm around her waist pulling her closer to my chest.

"Sweet dreams, Clary." I whispered softly kissing the top of her head.

"Yeah right." She scoffed before her breathing evened out and she fell asleep again.

Clary agreed to let me be her support system. Clary wants me to help her from now on.

I couldn't fight off the small smile on my face as I fell asleep with Clary in my arms.

**-Page Break-**

"Jace." I heard my name being called softly from a sweet, angelic, voice.

"Jace, wake up." The voice called again softly.

I tightened my arms around whatever I was holding and smiled.

"Jace, wake the fuck up!" The voice yelled and my eyes flashed open.

Sunlight was pouring in through the window and Clary was scowling at me.

"What?" I asked her confused.

I looked over at the clock to see that it was only eight in the morning.

"I need to go to the bathroom and you grip on me keeps tightening. Seriously every time I went to get up your arms tightened a little bit more." She huffs out annoyed, still scowling at me.

"Sorry." I smirk at her and let her go.

She quickly scurries off my bed and into the bathroom down the hall, slamming the door to let me know she was annoyed at me.

I started laughing at her face when I woke up. She wasn't that intimidating when her walls were down. She didn't have that front of pent up anger in her eyes and she looked cute when you could tell she's just annoyed.

Clary's always cute, but hey, being annoyed was especially cute.

She came back into my bedroom a few minutes later.

I was still lying in bed when she walked over and sat hesitantly on the edge of my bed biting her lip.

"Hey what's wrong?" I asked her, genuinely concerned. I sat up and watched her where she sat as she began fiddling with her hands.

"I think I should tell Izzy…." Clary trailed off, very focused on what her hands were doing.

I got off the bed and kneeled in front of Clary covering her hands up with one of mine and using the other to lift her head up to meet my eyes.

"What do you want to tell Izzy?" I ask softly.

Her eyes darted around the room not focusing on anything.

"I want to tell her about… what I've done…" She trailed off settling her gaze on a wall off to the side.

"You don't have to if you don't want to Clary." I told her softly. If she was this nervous thinking about it how the hell could she tell Isabelle?

"She deserves to know…" Clary trailed off unsure of her own words.

"I'll stand by you whether you tell her or not." I told her firmly.

"I don't want to do it anymore Jace. I'm done with cutting. I don't want to hurt anymore. I want to be a whole person now, and not a broken person, and Izzy's my friend she has a right to know what happened to me…" She stated firmly.

I nodded my head silently agreeing to stand beside her while she told Iz.

"When do you want to tell her?" I ask softly.

"Whenever she gets home." Clary responded.

"Okay, let's tell her then when she's back." I agreed.

I stood up and offered my hand to Clary not really expecting her to accept it, but much to my surprise she took my hand and stood up.

Once she was standing I didn't let go of her hand and led her out of my bedroom.

"Would you like some breakfast?" I asked, looking back at Clary.

She was staring at her feet as she walked.

"No thanks." She mumbled.

"Come on, Clary. You have to eat something." I urged.

"I left my pills at Jonathon's though." She grumbled.

I dropped her hand and stopped walking. What pills was she talking about?

Clary, still only looking at her feet, didn't notice me stop so she walked straight into me bumping back.

She looked up quickly to see that I had actually stopped.

I just gave her a blank look. When did she start taking pills, and what were they for? What did those pills have to do with breakfast?

Her eyebrows drew together as she looked at me.

"What?" She asked, confused.

"What pills?" My tone was harsher than I meant it to be.

"For eating… Valentine said that if I took those pills then I could eat, but if I continued to gain weight then I would just go back to not eating…" She trailed off staring at the ground once more. She started twisting her foot around uncomfortably.

I was about to say something when she continued speaking, "I suggested them though. I didn't want to be that freak of a girl who doesn't eat lunch, so I asked him if I could so I could eat and you'd stop hounding me." She explains quietly.

"Valentine's gone Clary. You're underweight. You honestly need to eat something. I promise that I'll tell you when you're at a healthy weight. Right now though you're just skin and bones and could really use food." I told her honestly, wishing she'd just see herself the way I did.

She looked up at me and then looked back down at her feet without saying anything.

"Come on, you're going to at least eat something. Will an apple be okay?" I asked grabbing her hand and walking again.

She nodded her head in consent and followed me into the kitchen.

Once in there I grabbed an apple from the fruit basket, washed it off, and handed it over to her.

Clary walked over and sat down at the table with her hands folded on top of the table.

Clary took the apple silently and slowly began to eat it.

I grabbed myself a bowl of Cheerios and started eating myself.

We both ate in silence and once I was finished I stood up and put my bowl in the sink.

I returned to the table to wait with Clary while she finished her apple.

After a few more minutes she finished and stood up to throw away her apple core.

She washed her hands off to get the stickiness off and then dried her hands on the towel.

When she turned around to face me she asked, leaning back against the kitchen counter, "When do you think Izzy will be back?"

"She could be home any time." I answer standing up out of my chair and pushing it in.

I could tell that Clary was beginning to get nervous. Just her appearance screamed that she was scared.

I walked over to her and wrapped an arm around her shoulder pulling her small frame into me.

Kissing the top of her head I whispered into her ear, "I'll be right here for you the whole time. Don't worry."

She gave me a small smile and nodded her head.

I grabbed her hand to take her back to my room to just hang out when the front door slammed shut.

Izzy was home.

I dropped Clary's hand and we walked towards the living room to see her.

She looked tired as hell, but her appearance was stunning as she usually was.

"Clary, what are you doing here?" Izzy asked looking shocked as she saw Clary follow me out of the kitchen.

"Izzy…" Clary started hesitantly, fidgeting with her hands but looking at Izzy, "I need to talk to you." She said quietly.

Izzy looked between us questioningly.

"Holy fuck, you're not pregnant with _his_ child are you?" She asked with a horrified expression on her face.

"Oh God no!" Clary rushed out blowing a breath, "God no. I'm not pregnant with _anyone's _child Izzy."

"Shit, guys, don't scare me like that again." Iz gave a small chuckle, "So what's up you two?" She asked casually as she walked over to the couch and sat down.

Clary and I followed.

When Clary sat down I sat down next to her and kept my hand in between us so she could grab it whenever she wanted to.

"Izzy… I don't want you to hate me after I tell you this. I also don't want you to interrupt me, and I want us to still be friends. I don't want you to ignore me after this okay?" Clary took a deep breath.

"Geez, it can't be that bad, but sure." Izzy said nonchalantly as she sat back on the couch across from us.

Clary leaned forward slightly.

"Well…" She began, "Before Simon died, but after my mom left, I started to really hate everything. You know kids at school and everything bullying me. I felt unloved by my mom. Kids at school made it worse. The person who made it suck the most though was Valentine. He would tell me what a shitty person I am, how I'm too fat, how I'm worthless. Just all this negative stuff towards me and after a few years I started believing it. I mean, if kids at school were saying words like that and then my own dad was who was to say they were wrong, right?" Clary gave a nervous laugh wiping her hands on her legs. "Well Simon was always my rock. I'd talk to him about everything and then when he died you were the only other person I had, but you left too. You didn't talk to me all summer. I wasn't sure what to do and Valentine was being just as horrid as ever. I started cutting, Iz."

I could see Izzy stiffen when Clary said this. Clary froze herself, but continued talking anyways.

"I got really depressed. I stopped eating, at first it was due to depression, but I started to realize that I was getting thinner and I liked it. All those times Valentine called me fat seemed to make sense then. At first I was fighting the depression, but then I just caved. I had wanted to start cutting and Simon knew it. Simon made me promise him not to do it, but I broke after everyone I had left me. I started cutting all the time. It was my way of dealing with everything going on. I could numb the pain for a while and that's all I wanted: was to be numb. Nobody noticed and it just kind of encouraged me. If no one noticed then no one cared obviously. I just kept doing it. Then Valentine died, and I had to move in with Jonathon. Everything was just so hectic and the bullies at school, my emotions just spiked up really bad and have been on a rampage. I can't really explain the turmoil. I can't make you see how I felt, but it was a terrible feeling to have been left by both of your best friends, and your parents. It hurt and cutting was my way of coping with the pain." Clary finished her story.

At some point while Clary was talking she had grabbed my hand and begun to squeeze it tighter and tighter until she was finished resulting in the death grip she now had on my hand. I returned the grip to her hand, rubbing my thumb in soothing circles over her knuckles.

We sat in silence waiting for Izzy to reply.

Clary's face remained blank the whole time she spoke. It was emotionless, the way she usually has it. She didn't break down and cry during her story, just kept her walls up. It made me realize how good at hiding her feelings she was.

I'll never take for granted her showing me how she feels because I could never know when she'd be lying.

Izzy's face was also impassive.

I could feel Clary very tense next to me, waiting for Izzy to speak up and say something.

What Izzy said surprised both of us.

* * *

**Okay, wow, it's been a while, hasn't it? Sorry about that. **

**I may not even be able to post every weekend now guys, sorry. Math is a bitch. **

**So, I was actually going to update this earlier, but I re-read and deleted all but one page of content and had to spend most the day re-writting it. Sorry it took so long. **

**I hope you guys like the chapter. See you guys next time, I suppose.**


	36. Chapter 36

CPOV

At some point while I was telling Izzy what happened to me I had grabbed onto Jace's hand and I was now clutching it.

Izzy didn't say anything. She kept a blank face as she looked at me and it made me nervous.

Jace began rubbing his thumb in a circle over my knuckles in what I assume was to be a soothing gesture, but it did nothing to calm my nerves down.

I sat in apprehension as Izzy looked at us.

Just as I was about to ask her to say something she spoke up.

"Get out." She said coolly.

There was this weird calm to her demeanor. I'm not sure what exactly she's feeling, but I don't like the way she's acting.

"What? What do you mean 'get out.'"? I spluttered.

Where was I supposed to go? Just get up and leave and walk back to Jonathon's? I don't really want to go back to his house.

"Is this some sort of sick joke you two thought would be funny to play on me?" She snapped angrily her eyes darting to Jace.

She stood up swiftly and crossed her arms over her chest, "I miss Simon too! Don't you just fucking bring him up and tell me some shit that you think would make me feel bad for you Clary!" She yelled at me throwing her arms around.

"I'm not lying Izzy." I said quietly looking down at my lap.

I rolled up the sleeves of my jacket and showed my arms to her.

She looked at my arms and her face paled.

"Just get the fuck out Clary." She whispered turning around and walking away.

What did I do? How could this make her feel that bad?

If I thought I had fucked up before I was more wrong than I could have been. Not only had I lost Simon, but now I've lost Izzy too. I've lost two of the only people to care about me.

I stood up numbly, releasing Jace's hand, and began walking towards the door.

"Clary, wait up!" Jace called out to me catching up with me as I laid my hand on the doorknob.

He grabbed my arm and turned me around.

"Hey, just let me go talk to Izzy, okay? Try to calm her down. Do you want me to give you a ride home?"

Home. Yeah, Jonathon's house is totally my home.

"It's not home." I muttered bitterly, "But no, I don't need you to drive me to Jonathon's."

I've never had a home. Not since I was younger. Maybe when Jocelyn was alive I could consider Valentine's house my home, but I couldn't when it was just the two of us.

I can't consider Jonathon's place my home either. He's not my dad, and he's only taking me in because of pity. It's not a home.

A home is supposed to be full of love, compassion, joy, anything other than pity or hate.

"I'm taking you home." Jace said firmly.

"Well if you weren't giving me a choice you shouldn't have fucking asked!" I snapped at him.

I wasn't directly mad at Jace. I was just nervous and frustrated.

Maybe telling Izzy wasn't the best idea I had.

Goddamn! I'm such a fucking idiot!

I turned around and banged my head on the door. Hard.

"Hey, hey!" Jace yelled grabbing the tops of my arms and turning me around again. "Don't do that!"

I just looked up at him blankly.

He sighed, "Let me go get my keys, and then I'll drive you to Jonathon's okay?"

"Yeah, whatever." I responded.

I have now chased off the only other person that was my friend. How can one person be so stupid?

God, I'm an idiot!

I guess I do have Jace now though.

Jace is my friend now, and he wants to help me get better. He wants to be like Simon.

The thought brought small smile to my face.

Having someone who I could feel comfortable with talking to, a person who would actually care about me and not just pity me.

Except, I've lost Izzy.

I scared her off because I'm a damn idiot!

Why did she react like that though? That seems pretty… wack even for her.

I didn't think that she'd just blow up in my face about it.

I thought that maybe she'd be more understanding. Not pity me, God I fucking hate pity, she knows that so I have no idea why that was what she thought I wanted.

I could hear Jace running down the stairs.

"Okay, ready to go?" He asked once he got to where I was standing.

I nodded my head.

Jace grabbed my hand and opened the door walking beside me to his car.

His hand was so large compared to mine, but my small, pale, hand fit perfectly in his large, tan, calloused hand.

When we got to his car he opened my door for me.

Once I was inside he shut my door and walked around to the driver's side.

Once he started the car he reached over and grabbed my hand again.

"Why do you keep grabbing my hand?" I questioned him.

"Because I feel like if I let you go you'll shut me out again, and I want to enjoy being able to be close to you while I can." Jace said sincerely, looking at me for a moment before pulling out of the driveway.

I smiled a little.

Maybe Jace really did care about me. He sure acted like he did.

I gazed out the window most of the way to Jonathon's house.

I didn't really know what to say to Jace and I was worried about what may be waiting for me once I got inside the house.

"I'll talk to Izzy when I get back home." Jace said suddenly, breaking me from my thoughts.

"Alright." I responded, not really sure what else to say.

What if Jonathon was passed out drunk?

What if when I got inside he was really pissed off at me and went ape shit crazy?

What if he kicked me out?

I'd have nowhere to go and then I'd be in the foster care system.

The Lightwoods wouldn't take me in because Izzy hates me now, I have no other family, and I'd just be in the system until I'm eighteen.

Who wants to adopt a child that they're only going to have for two years? Nobody.

Only little kids get adopted. Nobody wants an older child.

"This'll all blow over you know. I think you just shocked her is all." Jace said, once again breaking me from my thoughts.

He squeezed my hand reassuringly as we pulled up into Jonathon's driveway.

I stared at the house as it loomed in front of us with so many "what-ifs".

"Thanks for bringing me back to Jonathon's." I murmured as I opened the car door.

Jace let go of my hand.

I hesitated before getting out of the car.

I sat back down and leaned over, wrapping my arms around Jace's neck in a hug.

He hesitated a moment, but then wrapped his arms securely around my waist, pulling me closer to him.

"Any time Clary, any time." He said softly in my ear.

I pulled away from his warm embrace and gave him one last look before getting out of his car.

Jace waited until I opened the front door to start pulling out of the driveway.

As he was pulling out he looked up at me and gave me the "call me" sign.

I'm assuming that he wanted to make sure that everything was okay with Jonathon and then he'd tell me what happened with Izzy.

Taking a deep breath I opened the door and walked into the house, shutting the door softly behind me.

* * *

JPOV

When I got back to my house I headed immediately towards Izzy's room.

The way she reacted to Clary really surprised me.

How can you tell your best friend to get the fuck out of your house when you hear something like that?

Maybe she's just overwhelmed, but I honestly do believe that this will all blow over once Izzy has calmed down.

I got to Izzy's room and knocked on her door.

When she didn't reply, I walked just walked in.

Izzy was laying on her bed with tears running down her face.

"Hey, Iz, what's wrong?" I asked moving through the clutter on her floor to sit next to her on her bed.

Izzy shrugged her shoulders and let out a loud sob.

"Something's the matter, what is it?" I asked as gently as I could.

Izzy looked at me, her face red, and tear streaked.

"How could I not notice?" She wailed throwing her hands in the air and letting them fall limply by her sides.

"She was right! I did fucking leave her when Simon died!" She yelled at me.

She sat up, but didn't move any closer to me.

I stayed silent, figuring it best to probably just let her get out the anger she was feeling.

"When Simon died I didn't even think about Clary! All I thought about was how much I was hurt! You and Alec were always there though to keep me up and happy when I got sad about his passing on!"

I remember the countless nights when either Alec or I would be woken up by Izzy's sobs echoing in the house and we'd come in here and just sit with her while she cried.

None of us got a lot of sleep most of those nights.

"Who the fuck did Clary have?" She continued yelling, throwing her hands up again.

"Clary didn't have anyone! You heard her! Her dad hated her Jace! Her dad fucking hated her and she didn't have anyone to lean on when Simon passed away!" Izzy screamed at me.

She was right. Clary didn't have anyone.

"How could I have been such a fucking horrible friend?" She wailed desperately.

So this is what it came down to.

Izzy wasn't upset that Clary was cutting. She was upset because she let it happen. Izzy was upset that she never noticed the pain Clary was feeling.

She can't really blame herself though because Clary was pretty damn good at hiding how she felt.

"I just don't understand how she could've been in that much pain and not even tried to talk about it with me. Why didn't she trust me?" Izzy yelled at me.

She quieted for a minute to blow her nose.

Where she got tissues from? I have no fucking idea.

"How long have you known?" Izzy questioned me harshly.

"I've known for a while." I admitted, "I didn't really give her an option about telling me though. I just kind of figured it out."

"Why didn't she come to me and tell me?" Izzy whined desperately. "I feel like a terrible friend."

"It doesn't matter what happened then, Iz. What matters now is that you be there for her when she needs you now. You just kind of kicked her out without an explanation."

"No! I don't want to talk about it with her! It hurts to know that a friend could fucking do that and see nothing wrong with it!" Izzy yelled.

"Why can't we just act like it never happened?" Iz questioned.

"Okay, Izzy. If you don't want to talk about it with her then don't." I sighed, "Just calm down for a little bit okay?" I ran a hand down my face.

Girls crying make no sense to me, they get so emotional.

Izzy ignoring it, will only make it worse for Clary. I can guarantee that now.

She'll probably think that Izzy doesn't care.

"When you calm down, at least send her a text, alright Iz?" I asked standing up getting ready to leave.

"Yeah, okay." Izzy sniffled as I left her room.

I closed her door quietly and went back to my own room remembering the night before.

Having Clary so close to me was really nice. It made me wish that we could be like that every night.

Her letting me comfort her when she has a nightmare, openly talking to me, holding her while we sleep knowing she wouldn't blow up on me in the morning, it was a nice feeling.

With a smile on my face I lay down on my bed and pulled out my phone to call Clary.

It rang four times before going to her voicemail.

Maybe Jonathon's having a talk with her right now about running out?

I sent her a quick text to have her call me when she wasn't busy and closed my eyes waiting for her to call me back.

* * *

**Wow. This kind of fucking short... Sorry for that. This chapter's just all mleh. **

**I may get to update tomorrow! I actually get to be home before six in the fucking afternoon! :) So happy. **

**Thanks for the reviews guys. They make me smile, but could you please stop just saying "Can't wait update soon!" Or things along the extent of that? I feel kind of bad when I'm to busy to update and I get a shit ton of reviews saying "update soon." **

**Thursday I have play practice and Friday I have t go to another football game. (That's not unusual.) **

**Have a great rest of the week guys! :)**


	37. Chapter 37

CPOV

I didn't see Jonathon anywhere when I got into the house. Maybe he really was passed out drunk.

What if he wasn't?

What if he was super pissed off at me?

What if he kicked me out of the house for being disrespectful and running away?

What if he stuck me in the foster care system?

Those were a few of the questions running through my head and I had so many more what-ifs, so many possibilities of what could possibly happen.

I could feel my heart beginning to race at the possibilities of what could happen.

Maybe I wouldn't have to deal with Jonathon tonight and I could just sleep and see what happens in the morning.

Quickly and silently I scurried to my bedroom before, if he was awake, Jonathon came down.

When I opened my door; however, I found him.

He was lying on my bed on his stomach his face turned away from the door. He was sprawled out and appeared to be asleep.

Silently I backed out of my bedroom and headed back to the living room.

Why was Jonathon sleeping in my bed?

I walked over to the couch and sat down.

So Jonathon is sleeping in my bed, I guess I could always sleep on the couch. Jonathon never really has any people over, so I wouldn't have to worry about random people being in the living room while I'm sleeping.

I could also set an alarm on my phone that way I could wake up at like five in the morning just to make sure I'm awake just in case he does have someone sleeping over.

Nah, he won't have anyone over.

I quietly got off the couch and headed back to the room I was staying to grab a tank top and pair of shorts to sleep in.

Jonathon looked exactly the same when I got into the room and I made my way to the dresser swiftly to grab my sleeping clothes.

I silently shut my dresser and hurried into the bathroom to get out of the bedroom.

Once in the bathroom I quickly changed out of my clothes and put them in the dirty clothes hamper.

I grabbed my phone and headed back to the living room to go back to sleep.

Almost as soon as I laid down I fell asleep.

**-PAGE BREAK-**

When I woke up I was slightly dizzy and couldn't find it in myself to open my eyes.

If I opened my eyes I felt like I would fall.

From what I could tell through my closed lids though it was still dark outside. Being in the living room I think I would know whether the sun was shining yet or not.

That's when I noticed that there was something on my waist.

My eyes snapped open while the rest of my body remained still.

I looked down to what was on my waist and realized it was an arm.

I turned my head around and saw that it was Jonathon. I also noticed that I was now on my bed even though I had fallen asleep on the couch.

My heart started to beat faster.

Why was I in my bed with Jonathon?

I started to panic. I barely know this man, and he's been acting really weird lately, and now I somehow end up in the room he's allowing me to stay in with him.

"Jon… Jonathon?" I asked nervously hoping to wake him up.

He didn't stir, but he did tighten his arm around me.

Why the hell was I back in my bed?

I don't sleepwalk. I've never had that problem, so I obviously didn't sleep walk in here.

The only other reason that I can think of for possibly being in here is that Jonathon brought me in here while I was sleeping.

I am a pretty heavy sleeper.

"Jonathon?" I yelled, trying to wake him up.

What if he was drunk and had a bad hangover and got super pissed off at me for yelling?

I laid there tensely for a few moments before Jonathon finally opened his eyes.

At first they were unfocused, but soon were.

"Wh-" He started talking, but I cut him off immediately not wanting to know what he had to say.

"Why are you in my bed?" I asked sharply.

"Last I recall I was here before you were." He retorted.

"I fell asleep on the couch last night because you were in here and then I wake up to find myself in my bed with you! And would you get your arm off of me?" I shouted at him.

"You fucking ran out last night, Clarissa! What the hell was that about?" He shouted back at me, completely ignoring all that I had said.

I huffed and tried to remove his arm from me, but he tightened it and held me closer to him.

I could smell the alcohol in his breath.

"Where did you go last night?" He demanded giving me a hard stare.

"I went to talk to a friend!" I yelled at him.

Suddenly he was shoving me off the bed and I fell on the floor landing on my stomach, hard.

The breath was knocked out of me and I was momentarily dazed.

After I re-gained my composer I stood up and stared at him.

He was standing on the other side of the bed and was gazing back at me expectantly.

"I had every right to leave last night! You're not my dad." I said defiantly, crossing my arms over my chest.

"No, but I am your guardian. I am you step-dad. You didn't have any right to leave last night." He replied evenly.

"You were completely wasted!" I shouted throwing my arms in the air and glaring, "You thought I was Jocelyn, I had every right to leave!"

I started to walk past him when he grabbed my arm roughly.

"Don't you dare talk back to me Clarissa." He growled at me, his grip tightening.

Jonathon is strong, that's for sure.

I glared at him not sure what to say.

"Well maybe you shouldn't go and get shit-faced and then mistake me for you dead wife and kiss me!"

Jonathon blanched, but continued to give me a hard look.

"Don't you fucking say things like that girl." He growled releasing my arms.

He pushed me backwards, not hard enough to make me fall, but hard enough for me to stumble backwards.

"I'm not lying." I said calmly, giving him a steady look.

"I said don't fucking lie to me." He growled louder shoving me a little harder.

"Oh, not too be confronted with the truth huh? Tell me Jonathon how many times did Jocelyn leave you? Did she leave you because you have a drinking problem? Were you this much of an ass to her too?" I challenged.

He shoved me roughly and I fell backwards, all my bravado disappearing.

I stayed on the floor staring up at him.

"Don't act like you know shit, Clarissa." He snapped. "You don't know anything about my relationship with your mother!" He shouted, "Me being an ass? Is that what you call me taking you when you were alone? Face it Clary, nobody would have wanted you. You don't have any family and nobody would have wanted you in the foster care system. You would have just ended up starving to death on the street." He spat.

Jonathon was right about the last part. Nobody would have wanted me in the foster care system, I was saying so myself earlier.

But he was being an ass right now.

I pushed myself up off the ground and walked up to him, feeling a little of my grandiosity coming back to me. "You call pushing me around nice Jonathon?" I challenged, raising my eyebrows.

I went on, "When you mistook me for Jocelyn last night you told me I couldn't just keep leaving you. So Jocelyn kept leaving you huh? I may not know a lot, but I'm smart enough to put the pieces together." I shoot back.

Then he did something that I wouldn't think he would do.

He slapped me in the face.

Hard.

The force of the blow made me stumble backwards and had tears welling in my eyes from the shock of it.

Numbly, I put my hand up to my cheek and stared at Jonathon in shock.

"Don't you fucking sass me, girl!" He roared, advancing towards me again.

I cowered back a little, looking up at him through my lashes.

He didn't seem to notice.

"Don't you fucking tell me that I'm an ass, Clarissa." He growled.

My heart was racing, pounding thunderously, in my chest; my adrenaline levels sky rocketed.

"You know nothing, you hear me?" He snapped grabbing my hair in one of his hands.

I had one last enervated retort, "Did you do this to Jocelyn too? That's why she left you repeatedly." My voice sounded weak, even to my own ears.

He released my hair and hit me once more, this time harder.

I could feel my cheek tingling as I fell down.

My cheek hurt and there were now tears in my eyes from force of impact.

Jonathon was breathing heavily.

When I looked up at him he had this facial expression of pure shock and horror, almost as if he couldn't believe that he had done what he did.

"Clary." He said softly, his eyes and voice losing the hardness it just had.

He dropped down onto his knees next to me and I flinched away from him.

"Clary, I'm sorry…" He trailed off looking at me.

I started scooting backwards across the floor away from him.

I needed to get out of here. I wasn't sure where I needed to go, but I needed out. I needed air.

"Clary, come back here." He said softly, yet with authority, as I stood up shakily.

I ignored him and continued to stand up.

"Clarissa!" He snapped.

I stopped immediately, fearful that he would hit me again.

My heart was pounding uncontrollably and I could hear the blood rushing in my ears. I wasn't feeling to hot.

I was terrified.

He stood up and walked over to me.

It took everything in me to not cower back or run.

Not even Valentine had hit me before. He was verbally abusive, but I can't think of a time he's really hit me.

Never was I this terrified of Valentine.

What happened with Jonathon? Was he just acting so I got comfortable with him? Was this his plan all along?

Was he like this to Jocelyn?

Now he was standing right in front of me.

Gingerly he placed his hand on the cheek he had hit twice.

"I'm sorry, Clary." He murmured softly.

His eyes were sad as he looked at my cheek which I assumed was as red as my hair.

He tenderly rubbed his thumb back and forth across my cheek.

My heart was racing even more than it was moments earlier.

Surely it's not good for your health condition to have your heart beating this fast so consistently, right?

"I'm so, so sorry, Clary." He whispered quietly, his alcoholic breath fanning across my face.

"Jonathon, I – I- I nee- need t- to go." My voice was shaking with nerves and my palms were now sweating.

He gave me a hard look before removing his hand.

"You better be home before eight." He said sternly.

I swallowed hard and nodded my head once, slowly.

"Don't tell anyone about this either, got it?" He snapped, his attitude changing once more.

"Nobody better find out." He growled, placing his hand on my cheek.

I nodded my head vigorously.

I turned to leave when he gripped my arm hard, once more.

My body began to shake in fear.

His grip was right on some cuts I had and it stung like a bitch. It took a lot to not cry out in fear and pain.

My nerves were really getting to me right now.

I just needed to get out so I could calm myself down, then I wouldn't be so jumpy.

"Go put some makeup over that." He said sternly.

"Yes sir." I answered meekly, as he released my arm.

I hurried to the bathroom and put some concealer on my cheek which was indeed a very bright red.

Whether it'll bruise or not, I'm not sure.

I ran back into my room once the makeup was gone.

To my relief Jonathon was no longer occupying my room.

I quickly grabbed some random clothes out of my drawers not even paying attention to what I was wearing before heading out; however, I did make sure that I had my jacket on securely.

When I got outside I pulled the hood up over my head and began walking, paying no attention to where I'm going.

I left my phone at Jonathon's, so I have no way to know what time it is. I didn't even bother to check it before I left.

Sighing, I pulled my jacket tighter around my body suddenly cold.

I walked for God knows how long just trying to calm myself down before I finally reached the Lightwood's.

Maybe Izzy will talk to me now that she's had time to cool off.

I hesitantly knocked on the door and waited for a few minutes.

When nobody answered I lowered my head and began walking away slowly.

Hopefully I'm not breaking my curfew and I'll make it back to Jonathon's before eight.

As I was walking away I heard my name being called out.

"Clary?" I stopped walking, but didn't turn around.

I don't know why I came here it was stupid of me. It took a hell of a long time, and now I would probably miss curfew and piss Jonathon off even more.

Maybe he's just upset because he got wasted last night and was now hung over.

I don't know, I'm not even going to try and understand him.

I decided to keep walking.

Footsteps were crunching behind me as the person who answered the door ran to catch up to me.

The person got behind me and grabbed my arms.

I cowered away quickly turning around.

The fear must've been evident in my eyes because Jace looked at me worriedly.

"Clary, what's wrong?" Jace asked softly.

"Just a bad morning." I answered softly.

Jace slowly walked up to me and hugged me.

I stiffened up at first; I guess my nerves were still jumpy, but soon melted into his embrace.

"You want to talk about?" He asked concern lacing his voice.

I shook my head no wrapping my arms around his waist.

"What happened with Izzy?" I asked softly, my face buried into his chest.

"Let's talk about that later."

Ah. Izzy was still pissed at me.

We stood there for a few moments in a comfortable silence.

I finally broke it, "What time is it?"

"It's seven." Jace pulled away and looked down at me, "Do you have somewhere to go?"

"Can you drive me back to Jonathon's?" I asked weakly.

Jace nodded the affirmative once and disappeared inside to grab his car keys.

I hesitantly walked over to his car and waited on the passenger side.

Jace came running back outside and unlocked the car.

I got in slowly, while he got in and started the car.

We drove in silence for half the way before he finally asked me what happened yesterday.

"It's not so much as yesterday as it was today." I muttered, keeping my head pointed down at my lap.

I was fiddling with my fingers when Jace reached over with one of his hands and grabbed one of mine.

"Well?" He asked, turning his gaze to me expectantly for a moment.

"Jonathon was pissed." I murmured.

Jace glanced at me out of the corner of his eye and tightened his grip on my hand.

"He… he hit me Jace." I said so softly that I'm surprised he heard it.

* * *

**So... I'm not really sure what to say. **

**No, Jonathon isn't going to become abusive. I just want to clarify that before anyone asks. **

**Like I said earlier I'm ending this story soon, and it wouldn't make sense if right before the end Jonathon became abusive, so no that's not what's going on. **


	38. Chapter 38

JPOV

My hands involuntarily tightened on the steering wheel and Clary's hand, turning my knuckles white.

I clenched my jaw as I kept my focus on the road, so we didn't get into an accident.

That prick hit her? Why the hell would he do that?

I glanced at Clary who was staring down at her lap.

There were no indications of being hit. I couldn't see any bruises on her and it made me wonder where he hit her.

"Where'd that prick hit you?" I growled out between clenched teeth.

With the hand that wasn't holding mine she pointed to her cheek.

"Did you put makeup on it?" I asked, looking back out at the road.

She didn't say anything, but nodded her head once.

"Jonathon said I had to put makeup on before I left the house." She said quietly, looking up at me.

I nodded my head solemnly.

There were a thousand thoughts running through my mind right now, but I couldn't find myself saying any of them, so I just sat there glaring at the road ahead of me as I drove.

Clary's hand started moving in mine, but I didn't let her hand go; she was probably just going to start twiddling with her fingers again.

We sat there in silence as I continued to drive. I knew that if I opened my mouth to say something I'd explode.

Why the hell is she going back there?

Why the fuck does that prick think he can do that?

Most importantly, how does Clary feel about that?

I didn't want to say something I'd end up regretting later.

After a few minutes I couldn't take the deafening silence any longer.

Just as I was about to speak Clary spoke up, "Did I deserve it?" She whispered, staring blankly at her lap.

"Why would you think that?" I asked hoarsely. Why would he possibly consider the thought that she deserved this? She hadn't done anything, she didn't deserve that, nobody did.

"Well, you aren't talking about it… I talked back to Jonathon. He told me not to sass him and I kept sassing him anyways. I brought Jocelyn into it and I know nothing about the woman, and I was disrespectful…" She trailed off, picking her head up to gaze out the window.

"There's no way in hell that you deserved that Clary. You don't, nobody does."

"Valentine didn't like me either. He always told me I wasn't good enough, so maybe I did deserve it." She whispered brokenly.

"No, Clary. Don't start thinking like that, okay?"

"I shouldn't have antagonized him though." She turned her head to look at me and her eyes were glossy with tears she had yet to release.

"You deserve so much better than that Clary. I promise you." I said softly, dropping her hand and wrapping my arm around her shoulder.

I rubbed my hand up and down her arm as she turned her gaze back out the window to stare at the world passing us.

A single tear slipped down her cheek and she rubbed it away roughly.

"He was drunk last night." She said quietly.

"Do you think he was just hungover then?" I asked quietly.

"Jace… He was in my bed when I got home yesterday." My stomach clenched at the thought of where this was going, "I just grabbed clothes and went down to the living room and fell asleep on the couch, but when I woke up this morning I was in my bed… Jonathon was too…." Clary trailed off biting her lip glancing at me before looking back out the window.

I could feel my anger rising again.

"Why the hell were you and Jonathon in your bed, Clary?" I snapped.

She jumped a little at my tone and quickly looked at me.

"I don't know Jace, I don't fucking know! That's how the fight started!" She yelled at me.

I just grunted not saying anything else. I didn't know what to say to her.

But if that bastard pulled something he's as good as dead.

We reached Clary's house faster than I thought we would. I glanced over at her after I was parked in the driveway.

She bit her lip as she looked at the house.

"Could you get your arm off me?" She asked quietly, not looking at me.

I didn't comply.

Instead I pulled her small frame closer to my body and wrapped my arms around her.

At first she stiffened at the contact, but soon melted into my embrace.

I breathed in the smell of her hair, which smelled like strawberries, and took comfort in having her here in my arms; at least for the moment.

Reluctantly I pulled away from her.

She gave me a small genuine smile, my arms still circled around her.

I loved this girl.

This girl who had suffered through so much silently never letting on to the hell that was going on through her mind; her inner nightmares never resting, always was struggling to get back to her feet, yet always ready to help anyone who needed it.

The girl who was consistently bullied at school, and verbally abused at home, who never knew her mom and lost her best friend. Whose personality could be as fiery as her hair and her eyes like beautiful emeralds.

I was in love with the girl who couldn't see how much beauty she held, and who couldn't find any worth in herself.

The girl who held her head high no matter what.

I was always wary of love, but looking into the eyes of this beautiful girl in my arms who is so strong, I can't believe that I was ever wary of this feeling.

She could break my heart, but I was willing to take that risk if it meant that I had a chance to have her. She meant so much to me and she didn't even realize it.

"Why are you staring at me like that?" She asked softly, her cheeks a nice rosy pink.

"I was just thinking about how amazing, strong, and beautiful you are." I whispered back, not wanting to ruin the moment.

She blushed and looked down, her fiery curls shielding her from my sight.

I gently cupped her chin and tilted her head back up so she would meet my gaze.

"Don't ever hide from me." I whispered.

She smiled a little.

"I need to go." She said quietly.

I leaned forward and kissed her cheek lovingly.

"Call me, okay? Please?" I begged her.

"Okay."

I gave her one last gentle squeeze before letting her go.

I watched as she slowly walked up the porch and opened the door.

Before she opened the door she turned around and gave me one last weak smile and then walked inside.

* * *

CPOV

Hesitantly I opened the door and walked inside.

Jonathon wasn't in the living room, but my phone was.

I quickly walked over to the coffee table and grabbed my phone.

When I turned around to start heading up to the room I was staying in I saw Jonathon sitting at the kitchen table with a mug full of a steaming liquid.

He was looking at me, and I got worried that I had broken curfew.

I hadn't it wasn't that late.

"Why don't you come have a seat so we can talk?" The way he said it was more of a command than a question.

Reluctantly I walked into the kitchen and took a seat across from him.

"How's your cheek?" He asked softly.

"It's fine." I replied harshly.

"Clary… Listen, about this morning-"

"I don't want to hear your excuses!" I snapped.

"Clary, just hear me out. If you decide you don't want to live here anymore I understand that. I'll take you to the police so they can place you somewhere else, but I just ask that you listen to me first."

Jonathon's eyes were begging with mine, and it was hard to say no.

I grudgingly closed my mouth and waited for him to go on.

He didn't speak for a minute, I guess he was gauging my actions: seeing if I was going to stay and listen or not.

Once he deemed it okay to start talking he began.

"You're mother and I loved each other Clary. Valentine wasn't right to her. He wasn't the nicest person and would verbally abuse her. They married almost as soon as they had graduated. The spark had just kind of worn off after a while. She wanted to stay because of you and she did for a while. They filed for a divorce and Valentine go custody over you. I'm not sure really all the details between them, but we met at a diner near here and we talked for hours. It went on for a few months and then after about a year we decided to get married. Clary, I'm bipolar. I used to forget to take my meds and something like this morning would happen and Jocelyn would leave me. She wouldn't look back and it would piss me off. She always came back though. I had been doing better with taking my meds lately. Right before she died she wanted to go back and get you. She had told me that she wanted to go back and get you; that she had made you a promise a while ago that she'd be back for you. After she died I started drinking more and stopped taking my meds."

He stopped to take a breath and I immediately cut in, "Well, this is a nice story and all, but why the hell were we both in my bed this morning?" I snapped.

"You look so much like her." He said softly.

I scrunched my face up in confusion.

"I guess that I thought you were Jocelyn when I came out here and took you back to the room. Sometimes it's hard to believe that you're not her." He said quietly.

"That's fucking sick!" I yelled at him.

"What do you want me to fucking say Clary?" He snapped out at me, "I was drunk, Clary. I'm sorry! I'm done drinking though. Jocelyn wouldn't have wanted me to do this! I took you in because I thought it would be good for you!"

"I can't help addictions Clary, but I'm trying okay?" He slammed his hand down on the table.

"I'm going to bed." I muttered, pushing my chair back and standing up.

"I'll drive you to school tomorrow." He mumbled standing up as well.

I nodded my head grimly and went upstairs to my room.

Once in there I checked my phone.

I had a missed call from Jace and a text from yesterday.

Sighing I dialed his number and listened to it ring as I waited for him to pick up.

He answered after the third ring.

"How'd it go?" He asked.

"He's bipolar." I said quietly.

So it wasn't technically Jonathon's fault that he had hit me.

He did it because he's bipolar.

Jocelyn used to leave when he forgot his meds.

Maybe I just wanted another reason to hate myself. If Jonathon had him me there should have been a reason for me to hate myself, but he's the one with the problem, not me.

Jace was right, I didn't deserve to be hit, and I don't know how I could have possibly thought that.

"Are you sure you want to stay with him, Clare?" Jace asked quietly after a moment.

"Yeah, Jace, at least for now." I answered honestly.

There was silence for a while. Neither one of us were really sure what to say I guess.

"Jace? Are you still there?" I asked after a while.

"Yeah, I'm here Clary."

"I think I'm going to go to bed. I need some sleep before school tomorrow." I told him.

"Yeah, I guess there's school tomorrow, huh?" His voice sounded sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked tentatively.

He sighed, "Nothing… It's just… nothing."

"It's something." I accused.

"I just hate going to school and not being able to see you. I hate hearing everybody talking shit about you." He answered.

"It's nothing new, they've always done that." I responded.

"Yeah, but you're not here to defend yourself, and I want to see you at school."

"Well we can hang out outside of school, and they can talk shit all they want. I don't have to hear it from them anymore."

"Are you bullied at your new school?" He asked quietly.

"Not yet."

"So you think you will be?"

"Eh. It doesn't matter either way." I shrugged even though he couldn't see it.

"Really, I'm going to bed now." I said before he could start arguing with me.

He sighed again, "Alright, I'll talk to you later then."

I hung up the phone and plugged it up to my charger before changing and crawling into bed.

* * *

I woke up at six-thirty and quickly got ready for school not making many noises while I prepared.

Once I was ready I grabbed my bag and headed down stairs to wait on the couch.

Much to my surprise Jonathon was already there at the door waiting for me somewhat impatiently.

I walked up to him without saying a word and he just turned walking out the door.

When I was outside I turned and locked the door behind me following Jonathon to his car.

I have no idea why I don't have my damn license yet. I really need to get it.

There was a tense silence the whole way to school.

We couldn't have reached school fast enough. As soon as he pulled into the parking lot I unbuckled and hopped out of his car.

Nobody paid any attention to me.

I found Sage in the hallway on my locker and she glanced at me before turning back to her own locker.

"Hey." I said quietly once I reached her.

"Hi." She said in her tone that told me she didn't care.

She eyed me up and down before speaking up again, "You look like shit." She said nonchalantly, "You have bags under your eyes and you look lifeless." She shrugged and looked back into her locker.

Did I really look that bad? I guess it was a fucking eventful weekend.

"That's what happens you try suicide." I muttered under breath too low for her to hear.

I jumped, startled, when she slammed her locker and stared at me, actually it was more like glared.

"What'd you say?" She asked suspiciously.

"Nothing." I said quietly.

She rolled her eyes before walking to first period with me following silently behind her.

That's how it went up until lunch: me following her to my classes silently.

By the time lunch came around I was feeling lightheaded and nauseous.

"You know, you look even worse now than you did this morning." Sage said with a thoughtful look.

"I don't feel too well." I told her honestly.

"Mmm. That does tend to happen when you don't eat." She said with her uncaring tone.

My attention snapped to her with that one sentence and my face scrunched up in confusion.

"It's pretty obvious, dumbass. Now would you get that 'the hell you talkin bout' look off your face and eat these damn chips," She slid me a small bag of Doritos and I eyed them suspiciously as she continued speaking, "You really didn't expect me to just not notice that you aren't eating food at lunch? I'm not blind. If people at your old school let it slip it's not because they didn't notice, it's because they just didn't give a shit."

Did that mean Sage cared about me?

I hesitantly opened the bag of chips and slowly began to eat them.

Once I finished the bag she passed me half of her peanut butter sandwich.

"Are you feeling better now?" She asked once I had finished.

I smiled a little, "Yeah actually I am, thanks."

The rest of the school day went by fairly quickly after lunch and before I knew it I was back in the tense silence of Jonathon's car.

He stared out at the road ahead of us while I watched the scenery pass out my window.

* * *

**Are guy surprised I updated today? I am. Haha.**

**So... the end is like the next two chapters. Maybe three. It was hard to not just go ahead and finish it now. I'm tired of this story and I'm ready for it to be over. **

**Thanks for continuing to read my story guys. :)**


	39. Chapter 39

CPOV

I was sitting on the couch doing absolutely nothing when my phone began to ring.

Checking the caller ID it read Izzy. She hasn't talked to me in about two weeks.

Two weeks ago I told her I was cutting.

I thought she hated me, and I gave up on trying to talk to her when she wanted nothing to do with me.

Hesitantly I accepted her call.

"Hello?" I asked.

"Hey, Clary…" Izzy trailed off.

"What is it?" I prompted. I didn't want to just sit here wasting my time. She walked out on me again.

"I wanted to apologize for acting like such a bitch. I know it wasn't right of me to act the way I did when you told me about all that… it's just such a horrible thing to do and I don't know why you would find it acceptable to do."

I interrupted her quietly, "I found it acceptable because I was alone. Nobody loved me and it was my way of keeping others from hurting. I let myself feel pain while I kept from hurting everyone else."

"That's not right Clary!" Izzy yelled at me, "Damn! It's not okay to do that!" She screeched.

I pulled my phone away from my ear.

"What the hell did you want me to do, Iz? I had no one! Do you understand that? I had no one! You were grieving and didn't need to deal with my problems. I couldn't talk to Simon because he was fucking dead!" Isabelle gasped, I suppose at the fact I blatantly said 'dead', well that is the truth and it's not my problem, "I didn't have parents to go to! I did what I could, Iz!" I yelled back at her.

"Don't you dare blame this on me." She snapped.

"I wasn't trying to." I answered quietly, "I was trying to get you to understand that I was alone and did what I needed to do. You wanted to know why I see it as acceptable and I told you. Don't you dare get pissed at me for being honest when you asked." I spoke quietly, but with a certain authority.

Isabelle was quite for a moment, "Can we just stop fighting?"

I didn't know what to say. When we couldn't see eye to eye was it possible for us to see eye to eye, or would it be more pain than it was worth.

"I don't know Iz." I told her honestly.

"Come on, this weekend let's get together and just hang out. I'll come pick you up."

She hung up without giving me an option, typical Izzy.

Sighing, I dropped my phone on the couch beside me and sank down lower on to the couch.

I haven't been clean for this last two weeks. I made slip ups and I cut.

It's a lot harder to stop than I expected it to be honestly.

I suppose I just figured it would be easy to stop, but it's not.

Cutting is like drugs, drinking, or anything else you can find addicting.

I never thought of cutting as an addiction until I started to try and stop.

It's hard as hell to try and do.

So maybe I let my anger get the better of me every now and then, and I slipped up, but I was trying my hardest to stop.

Jace has been trying really hard to help me stop too.

I don't understand why he wants to talk to me.

Why he didn't just run away that day that he found out what I was doing.

Why would anybody want to talk to someone as fucked up as I am?

There are more cuts and scars on me than actual skin.

How could he say he loves me? He could say it because he pities me.

I'm an unlovable person, and sometimes I don't think I can be forgiven for the things that I have done to myself.

If I can't forgive myself how can someone else forgive me?

Hell, I can't even love myself. How can he supposedly love me?

He can't.

Sometimes I swear that he only talks to me out of pity.

I don't think that I could ever find love though when I have scars up and down my body.

Who could possibly love someone so ugly?

Someone who hated themselves so much that they would do this to themselves?

Nobody would, nobody could.

Looking down at my arms and legs I look at all the cuts and scars scattered.

There are thin white lines, there are dark brown cuts that are still fading, there are fiery red cuts from recently, and there are puffy thick lines from ones where the scabs came off which I'm not sure will fade or not.

All I can see is lines crisscrossing every which way. That's just my legs and arms.

There's still my stomach.

There's no way I can be forgiven for what I've done to myself.

I'm not sure I can stop either.

At least I can't stop fast. It'll take a long time before I'm fully healed.

My phone started ringing again and I answered; not bothering to check the caller ID I assumed it was Izzy.

"Look, I'm not really sure I want to hang out. You hung up on me without giving me an option, and I don't really want to. Maybe another time okay?" I said hastily.

I heard a low chuckle on the other end, "Well, who don't you want to hang out with Clary?" Jace asked teasingly.

"You're sister." I muttered.

Jace became serious quickly, "Izzy called you?"

"Yes. She told me she doesn't want to fight and that she wants to hang out and blah blah blah blah blah." I told him.

"Why don't you want to hang out with her?" Jace asked genuinely confused.

"Because Jace, she wants to just drop a part of my life and act like it never happened. If she can't accept what I've done and who I am how can we be friends? You can't just ignore the bad parts of someone because you don't want to deal with it, Jace. It's who I am and she doesn't want to accept that." I told him honestly.

"Clary, what you did and who you are aren't the same thing. Who you are is who you became after going through life. You cut, that doesn't mean that that's who you are because you're not. You made mistakes Clare, everyone has, so don't beat yourself up over it. We all do stupid things that we'll regret later, but don't ever mix up who you are with what you've done, okay?"

"Then who am I Jace?" I asked quietly, unsure of who I was.

"You're who you want yourself to be. Do you want to be a cutter?" He asked.

I hesitated a moment before replying, "No."

"Then you're not a cutter. You have overcome cutting, but that isn't who you are. You're addictions don't define you, Clary. They show what you've gone through."

"They are me though. An alcoholic is still an alcoholic is he not? Just because he doesn't drink as often as he used to doesn't mean that he's not an alcoholic anymore." I replied defiantly.

It's not that I wanted to be a cutter because I didn't. It's just that I'm having a hard time believing Jace right now.

"Clary, you're addiction isn't who you are. You're trying to stop it, and you're breaking free of it. You're addiction is just what chains you down and holds onto you. You're who you are after you overcome that addiction and right now you are over coming it. You're not you're addiction. You just need to get that idea through your head, Clare." Jace told me quietly.

I guess it'll take me time to believe that because right now I don't believe it, but I also don't want to argue any more.

I'll let it go for now, and then maybe one day in the future I'll be able to believe that I'm not my addiction.

"You want to hang out?" Jace asked bringing me out of my reverie.

"Sure, sounds like fun." I answered with a little bit of enthusiasm.

"I'll be there in like ten to pick you up."

"Ten? That seems a little soon for leaving from your house." I stated. I live half an hour away from him.

"So maybe I was already on my way to come pick you up, but I knew you wouldn't say no and I just went ahead and left. Got a problem?"

I chuckled a little bit, "No problem here, Jace."

"That's what I thought. I'll be there soon."

"Bye." I said.

"Bye Clary." He replied.

Hanging up I went upstairs to change real quick before Jace got here.

I threw on a pair of dark skinny jeans and a nice green shirt. I pulled on my jacket and converse, and then headed back down stairs just as there was a knock on the door.

I picked up my pace a little and answered the door.

"Hey Jace." I said a little breathlessly.

"What were you doing? Running? Why are you so out of breath?" He smirked at me.

"I'm not that out of breath!" I huffed at him defiantly, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Whatever, you're so out of shape!" He teased me.

I just scowled at him, not amused with his comment.

I exercised plenty, thank you Mr. Jackass!

"Aww, Clary, I didn't mean to offend you. I'm sorry I know you don't like when people make fun of your body. Would ice cream make it better?" He asked me, placing one of his hands on my shoulder.

I shrugged him off, "No, I need to run on the track because I'm out of shape." I retorted.

"It's on me." He offered.

Despite me best efforts a grin broke out across my face, and I took off to his car which was still running.

I got in and shut the door then waited for Jace to make his way over here.

Rolling down the window I yelled at Jace who was taking his leisurely time to get to the car, "Hurry your ass up!"

He smiled at me and shook his head; nevertheless, he did indeed pick up his pace.

When he got into the car I asked, "Was it your plan all along to go out and get ice cream? I mean you didn't even turn off your car!"

"I knew you wouldn't refuse ice cream." He winked at me before backing out of the driveway.

"So how's everything going with Jonathon?" Jace asked as we drove to wherever he was taking us.

Jonathon had stopped drinking, at least for a little bit. He hasn't hit me since that first day. Usually once he started drinking again I would go out and just walk around. Often I would sit by myself and listen to music while I waited until ten to go back home where I'd then sleep on the couch.

Jonathon was a good person, but he would forget to take his meds, or he would refuse to take them and then things would get a little nerve wracking.

Whenever he forgot or refused I was very wary of him, and just locked myself in my room while I listened to him downstairs.

Every now and then he'd come up to my room and bang on my door demanding I open it and other times he'd punch walls, then he'd start crying over Jocelyn, or I don't even know what he'd do after that. I usually tried my best just to go to sleep on those days.

Those days weren't often, but they still happened.

"Things have been going well." I answered. It wasn't a lie, but I didn't really want to explain everything with Jonathon's moodiness right now.

Jace just looked at me skeptically before returning his gaze to the road.

Jace sighed and I looked at him quizzically.

"What?" I asked curiously.

"I'm just so happy that I get to see you smile now, and that you're getting happy. I'm glad that you no longer blame yourself for everything, and that you'll actually come and talk to me when you're upset. You just don't know how happy it makes me Clary." Jace smiled at me before grabbing my hand with a firm grip.

I smiled at him unsure of what to say.

I could feel the color rising in my cheeks and ducked my head.

"You're so cute when you blush Clary, and you're have a gorgeous smile." Jace brought my hand up to his lips and placed a soft kiss on my knuckles as we continued driving.

This made me blush even more and I just stared at my lap for a few minutes.

"We're here." Jace announced dropping my hand.

I looked up and realized that we were at Braum's, because where else would you go for ice cream?

Smiling I got out of the car and met Jace by the door.

He opened it for me and followed me in.

"What would you like Clary?" He asked walking up behind me in the back of the line.

There weren't a lot of people there, but there were still a few here and there.

"Chocolate ice cream!" I announced excitedly.

I really fucking loved chocolate ice cream, and you think Jace would know this by now!

"Seriously? Out of all the ice cream choices you just want normal chocolate ice cream?" Jace questioned in disbelief.

"What? You're probably going to get cookies n' cream, so you're not getting anything that interesting either!"

Jace just grinned at me and moved up in line to the now open cash register.

"Hi, I'd like a chocolate ice cream and cookies n' cream on waffle cones." Jace said easily.

"For here or to go?" The guy working the cash register asked.

"For here." Jace answered.

The man gave him the price which Jace paid and then we got our ice cream.

We walked over to a seat by a window and sat down to enjoy our ice cream.

"Thanks Jace." I said devouring my ice cream.

Did I mention I really fucking love chocolate ice cream?

"Damn Clary! How can you eat so fast!"

I glared at him over my ice cream.

"I like chocolate ice cream! Deal with it!" Being the mature person that I am I stuck my tongue out at him as I continued to eat my ice cream, this time at a slower pace.

We ate our ice cream in a comfortable silence, and soon we were heading back to Jonathon's house.

"Will you at least try to make up with Iz?" Jace asked me once we were in the drive way, "For me?"

I looked at him skeptically, but relented and nodded my head yes. He was giving me the cutest puppy dog face and it was hard to say no to.

Jace smiled at me before I opened the door.

As I was getting out Jace did too, and walked me to the front door.

"You didn't have to walk with me all the way up here you know." I told him, rocking back and forth on the balls of my feet.

"I know, but I wanted to."

"That was so fucking cheesy." I gave a small laugh and smiled at him.

He just smiled at me.

We just stared at each other for a moment before I decided to break the silence and go in.

"Well, thanks for the ice cream Jace. I'll see you later."

I waved at him as I turned to go in.

Jace; however, reached out and grabbed my arm again pulling me into him for a bone crushing hug.

He kissed the top of my head and ran his hands up and down my back soothingly.

"Goodnight Clary." He murmured.

I pulled away from him and smiled, "Goodnight Jace."

He reached out and tucked a girl behind my ear before leaning down and kissing my cheek softly, then he was gone.

I waited until he got into his car before turning around and going inside.

When I went in Jonathon was sitting on the couch and appeared as though he was waiting for me.

"Clary," He stood up and gestured to the spot next to him on the couch, "Come sit down, we need to talk about something."

Nervously I made my way over to sit next to Jonathon.

Keeping space in between us I sat down facing him and waited, "Well what is it?"

I started fiddling with my hands in my lap nervously.

"Clary, I think I need to go to rehab to help me with my bipolar and drinking problem. I haven't exactly been getting better and I don't want to hurt you again. Jocelyn wouldn't have wanted that and I'm sure we could find someone who would want to take you in. This may sound selfish to you Clary, but I need to do this for me." Jonathon's eyes were pleading with mine to understand him.

And I did understand Jonathon. I understood why he needed to do this.

"It's okay Jonathon I understand." I told him.

"I'm sorry Clary, but I need to do this."

I nodded my head.

"I'm going to go to bed now." I said awkwardly. What are we supposed to say to each other? I sure as hell don't know.

Walking into my room I pulled out my phone and called Jace.

"Hey?" Jace asked answering on the first ring.

I sat down on my bed and sighed, "Jonathon is going to go into rehab. What do you think'll happen to me now?" I asked hopelessly.

"I could ask Maryse if she'd take you in." Jace offered.

Without waiting for me to respond I could faintly hear him yelling for her.

"What is it Jace?" Her voice sounded distant.

"Can Clary come and live with us?"

"Jace, I'm not sure about that. I love Clary, but I don't think Robert would approve of us taking her in."

"Why not?"

"Just, it's Robert dear, I'm sorry."

Jace huffed as he picked his phone back up and started talking to me, "Sorry Clary, it's a no."

"I heard." I told him softly.

So I'd be moving again. Great. Just fucking great.

I'm not mad at Jonathon. I can't blame him really.

I'm just upset that I'm going to be alone again.

"I- I gotta go. I'll talk to you later Jace." I said hurriedly.

"Don't be a stranger." Was Jace's only reply.

Sighing I laid down on my bed, not bothering to change, and let tears form in my eyes.

I'm really going to be alone again, huh?

* * *

**So I know some of you are upset, but every story comes to an end. Plus I'll be writing something again... maybe soon? I don't know when, but sometime.**

**Just to make sure I cover every point if there are specific questions that you want answered in the next chapter, let me know. This next one is it. Last chapter guys.**


	40. Chapter 40

CPOV

I sat nervously in Taki's while I waited for Isabelle to arrive. I promised this for Jace. I promised him that I would try and mend things with Isabelle.

Whether it was her who was being unreasonable or me, I wasn't sure.

I had texted Isabelle and told her that I didn't want her to come pick me up, I ended up asking Jonathon to drive me.

In all honesty I was worried about seeing Isabelle.

My heart was already beating faster with my nerves and I was getting uncomfortable.

What were we supposed to talk about?

Were we just supposed to go on with life like I was never depressed?

The bell above the door dinged and I turned around in my seat to see who was coming through the door.

Of course it was none other than Isabelle looking gorgeous like always.

Her hair was up in a French braid, she was wearing designer jeans, a nice blouse, and pair of black heels.

She smiled and made her way over to me once she saw me.

"Clary! How are you?" She walked right up to me and hugged me.

I stiffened up at first, and then hesitantly, wrapped my arms around her before she pulled away taking the seat across from me.

"I'm… fine, how are you?" I asked quietly, not looking up to meet her gaze.

"I'm great! How's school going for you? Are there any cute boys you're crushing on?" Isabelle rushed on with topics like she was afraid of what the silence would bring should we stop talking.

Internally I was hitting my head, of course this was how it would be.

"There's really no one that I'm crushing on at school. I did make a new friend. How are you and Sebastian doing?" I asked politely.

"Oh we're doing fine. We've been on a few more dates…" Isabelle started droning on about her and Sebastian's relationship.

I guess those two were really a couple now and Isabelle wouldn't stop on my account.

How could she move on so fast though?

I mean, I guess it wasn't that fast for her, but to me it is. It hasn't even been a year since Simon fucking died!

How the hell does she feel so little remorse that she's dating someone else?

Maybe I need to let go of the past…

Does my holding onto Simon keep me depressed?

I remember Jace saying I need to let go, not forget, but to let go of Simon's hand and open up to others.

Jace wants to be that other that I open up to.

Not really in the mood for pointless chatter I let Izzy drone on for about an hour before I finally said I had to go.

I'm sure over time we'll be able to talk, but not yet. It's too early for us to move on from something unacknowledged.

"Alright, bye Clary! It was good to see you again." Isabelle smiled brightly at me as she gave me a hug.

I hugged her right back and then left.

Once outside I texted Jonathon to come and pick me up, he arrived not too incredibly long after and we went back to his house where I locked myself up in his room and stayed for the rest of the night.

* * *

I kept my head down as I walked to my classes.

Sage didn't say anything to me; just silently walked beside me.

That's one thing that I've come to love about Sage. She doesn't push me to talk, when she sees that I just need space she'll stand beside me. I guess kind of like a silent way of saying "I'm here for you", but not pressuring me to talk either.

Soon Jonathon would be going to rehab and I'd be put into the system.

I stopped walking right outside the classroom and banged my head on the wall.

"Hey stop that!" Sage shouted at me.

I just picked my head up and did it again.

"The fuck, Clary? Knock that shit off!" She yelled.

I hit my head one more time for good measure and then turned around.

I didn't want to be alone.

Why couldn't anyone love me enough to keep me with them?

Sighing I slid down the wall and onto the floor.

Sage's yells brought Mr. Garroway out to come and check on us.

"Is everything okay girls?" He asked concernedly looking between Sage, who was standing with her arms crossed over her chest glaring at me, and I sitting on the floor.

"I'm fine, Mr. Garroway." Sage answered indifferently.

"Sage, would you mind going into class for a moment?' Mr. Garroway asked politely while he surveyed the two of us.

The tardy bell was getting ready to ring and the hallways of the school were thinning out quickly as kids were darting to the classes to avoid a tardy.

Sage huffed but didn't say anything, just turned on her heel and went into the classroom.

Mr. Garroway proceeded to bend down into a couch and place his hand on the wall to maintain his balance.

"Is everything alright Ms. Fray?"

I started to nod my head yes, but he said, "Don't lie to me Clary. It's perfectly okay, to not be okay."

I looked at him blankly before sighing and leaning my head back against the wall.

"That sounds like something my friend has told me." I mumbled.

"Well, your friend is a smart one Clary. What's bothering you?"

The tardy bell rang, and the hallway was now eerily quiet as Mr. Garroway and I sat here.

Should I tell him what's going on in my personal life? He'll probably figure it out if I have to transfer schools so it wouldn't make that much of a difference.

It's not like I'd have to tell him everything either.

Sighing I opened my mouth and said, "My step-dad is going to rehab soon. I'm going to be put into the foster care system and I'm not ready for that yet. I'm not ready to move again."

Mr. Garroway looked at me thoughtfully before saying, "Good things will come out of this Clary. You just have to believe in that. I'm sure something will work out for you." He gave me a small reassuring smile.

I nodded my head mutely.

"Well, let's get to class. Shall we?" He asked standing up and offering me a hand to help me get up as well.

I accepted it and we walked into class.

When I got to my seat Sage leaned over and whispered furiously, "Don't do that shit again Clary! Damn! It's like you just went fucking mental, take care of yourself and take your goddamn meds!"

Now that may have sounded a bit, okay really, bitchy but it was Sage. That was her way of saying she was worried, but I refuse to say it to you.

I gave her an apologetic smile, "Sorry, I ran out of pills this morning."

Sage turned around to face the front and muttered under her breath, "Bitch."

I smiled a little bit.

Sage was different that's for sure, but I appreciate her.

* * *

I asked Jonathon if this weekend I could go over and hang out with Jace for a little bit since it might be the last time in a while that I get to see him.

Jonathon agreed.

That's how I am now at the door of the Lightwood house waiting for Jace to hurry his ass up and get downstairs.

Once the door was opened, Jace smiled at me and invited me inside.

"How's school been going?" Jace asked as we walked up to his bedroom.

"School is school. I still don't have many friends. How about you?" I asked as I took a seat gingerly on the edge of his bed.

"People aren't talking crap about you so much anymore." Jace smiled at me as he sat down next to me.

"How have you been doing, Clary?" He asked seriously.

I rolled my eyes at him, "I'm fine Jace." I muttered.

He got way to overprotective over me with this whole cutting thing.

I promised him I'd call him when I got upset, didn't I? Wasn't that enough for him?

Sighing I rolled my jacket sleeves up and held my arms out to him.

I still hated looking down at my body and seeing the signs. I hated seeing how ugly I looked and knowing that nobody could love me because of what I've done to myself.

It was an impossible task for anyone to possibly love me.

I'm not sure I'll ever be ready to fully move on from cutting.

I've slipped up every now and then, left myself a new scratch here and there.

Jace was initially disappointed when he found out about it, but he was happy that I was in fact getting better.

Addictions are a tough thing to break.

If you've ever had an addiction that's what cutting is. Addictions are all practically the same just with different substances.

Jace gingerly took hold of my arms and brushed his thumbs over my cuts.

I looked away from him in shame of myself for doing such terrible things to my body.

I was even more ashamed knowing that I might not be able to completely stop myself too.

"You're still beautiful." Jace murmured softly.

I looked up at him quickly, and was surprised to see that he was already gazing back at me.

"You know there's a quote that I think you need to hear" Jace said and proceeded to enlighten me, "'I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become.' Carl Jung. These scars don't define you Clary. All they are is a sign of how strong you are." Jace looked at me with sincerity written clearly over his facial features.

I didn't believe him. I couldn't believe him just yet. Maybe one day I'll be able to look back and confidently say that this was just a trial, but today's not that day.

I'm not a happy person yet, I'm still a pessimist.

Maybe that'll never change, but I'm no longer as depressed.

Do alcoholics ever truly get over their addictions? They still have a drink every now and then, right?

Do drug addicts ever truly stop doing drugs? Surely they still go out and get high with their buddies for shits and giggles every once in a while.

"I'm not sure I can ever stop cutting Jace." I admit softly, looking away from him.

I couldn't bear to meet his gaze knowing that this would hurt him.

He wants me to be whole and perfect, but that's not going to happen. I just can't be a perfect person.

"I'm here to help you stop." He replied just as quietly as I had spoken.

I looked at him hoping my eyes conveyed to him just what I meant.

My eyes were pleading with him to understand that I just couldn't stop.

How he had so much faith in me that I could I have no idea.

"Don't give me that look Clary. You need to have faith in yourself."

There was no point in arguing with Jace. He wouldn't just give up and drop it, so I just shook my head at him.

"I'm not sure I can." I murmured softly.

He rubbed his hand in a circle on my back reassuringly.

"We'll pull you out of this Clary. You're not alone anymore you have me now. You and I can do this together." Jace said confidently.

"What if I can't fucking stop Jace?" I yelled at him, my fears finally surfacing, "What if I can't stop? You'll leave me then right? You'll leave because who the fuck would want to be associated with a goddamn broken person who did this" I thrust my arms out at him with tears starting to well in my eyes, "to themselves? Nobody would! Nobody would because I'm fucking mental Jace! I'm unlovable! Nobody will want anything to do with me because of it! Hell, your own sister wouldn't even fucking acknowledge it!" I cried in despair.

Tears were now freely running down my face.

My anxieties were now put on the line and Jace just looked at me a moment before acting.

He wrapped his arms around me, and pulled me to his chest where I bunched his shirt up in my hands and cried more.

"Shh. You can stop Clare. Don't worry about the other stuff. I'll never leave you, I promise you that Clary. I'm with you from now on until the day one of us dies. I love you because you are lovable. Don't think that because of what you went through makes you less lovable as a person. You're not mental, and you just need to find the right people. Izzy will grow up. She's just in a state of denial right now is all."

Jace laid his cheek on top of my head as he continued to rub circles on my back.

We sat like that for a while: me crying while Jace just held me.

He didn't push me to talk and for that I was grateful.

Jace could usually tell when and when not to question me for more answers than I give.

I don't know how, but he got really good at reading me.

My eyes slowly started to droop shut after a while, and I guess Jace noticed because he moved us up on the bed and tucked the blankets around us.

"Goodnight Clary, I love you." I heard faintly before sleep overtook me.

* * *

_Three Months Later_

"Good morning Luke." I greeted cheerfully as I made my way downstairs.

"Morning Clary. Did you sleep well last night?" Luke asked kindly as he continued to cook some waffles.

"I slept just fine, how about you?" I asked sitting down at the table.

"I slept well. Are you hungry?" He looked over at me.

I began to shake my head no when he said, "You're still eating a waffle. Just one, but you have to eat something otherwise you can't go out with your friends today." Luke told me with authority.

I rolled my eyes, but smiled at him.

Luke ended up taking me in when Jonathon went to rehab.

While Luke doesn't know everything about me, he is still very overbearing and protecting. He's the closest thing to a father figure that I've had.

"Yes sir." I gave him a mock salute as he set my plate down in front of me.

I was shocked when Luke came up to me the next day and told me he wanted me to move in with him.

It wasn't something that I had expected, but Jonathon agreed to it and signed the papers.

At first I was weary of moving in with him. I wasn't ready to move in with yet another man whom I didn't know very well.

I got a pleasant surprise when I arrived here.

He doesn't give me any special treatment at school and I still have to call him Mr. Garroway, but when we're home he's so much of a father to me and I appreciate it.

I've never had someone to call a father before and now I do because I can actually consider Luke my father.

'Family isn't always blood. It's the people in your life who want you in theirs. The ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what.'

It's a quote of seen somewhere, but I'm not sure who by.

Also moving in with Luke I can now say that I've had a home.

Never before have I felt at home living in a house with someone. I wouldn't call Valentine's and Jonathon's houses my home. They were more like a stop in the road just a place to stay until I found mine.

Living with Luke I now have a home; I consider this house my home.

The thought put a small smile on my face as I picked up my fork to get a bite of waffle.

"What's got you smiling?" Luke asked kindly as he took a seat across from me.

"This is my home." I said quietly still smiling.

Luke just smiled at me. I'd told him of the verbal abuse Valentine had given me, and I told him of Jonathon's bipolar condition and the one time he hit me.

Luke had understood just fine that I didn't feel those two places my home.

What I appreciated was the fact that he didn't look at me in pity because of it.

He picked up on my lack of eating himself and had taken it as his duty to make sure I ate enough. He never pushed me to eat until I puked though which I was also thankful for.

I still didn't eat a lot because my stomach couldn't handle it, but I ate more than I used to which pleased Luke a great deal.

I still hadn't told him about the cutting yet, but I planned to in the very near future. I just wasn't ready yet to deal with his reaction on that subject.

Finishing my pancake I asked Luke if I could now go and hang out with a friend.

He said I could and told me to be back before ten.

Luke gave me a reasonable curfew which I understood perfectly fine.

Still smiling I walked outside and dialed Jace's number.

He had told me last night that we needed to talk because he had something really important to tell me.

When I asked him why he couldn't just say on the phone he said it was to special, and he asked if we could hang out today instead.

I agreed.

"Hey?" Jace's voice answered.

"Wake your ass up. You said you wanted to hang." I teased him lightly.

It was eight in the morning.

Jace grumbled something that I didn't catch then speaking in a clearer tone said, "I'll be there in half an hour."

"See you then." I said brightly before hanging up.

Sage and I had become better friends. She was more open and more talkative with me as the school year progressed.

Sage was one of those people who liked to observe people and test waters. That's why she always acted like a scary bitch, she was just testing people to see if they would leave or stay.

She told me it was her way of keeping herself from being hurt too much which I could understand.

I pulled my iPod out of my jacket pocket and turned on my music to pass the time as I waited for Jace to show up.

The songs just shuffled through as I got lost in my thoughts.

Isabelle and Sebastian were apparently getting serious now.

Izzy and I talked, but every now and then there was a tense silence that would take over.

She didn't talk nearly as much as she did when we first met up after what I told her.

Thank God for that because I would have punched her if she didn't shut the hell up.

Those tense silences didn't happen often, but when they did it got really awkward fast and we'd both quickly dismiss ourselves to avoid the uncomfortableness.

Izzy liked to inform me on her and Seb's relationship. I still didn't exactly approve, but hey, whatever.

I was pulled out of my thoughts by the next song that came on.

In this farewell

There's no blood

There's no alibi

'Cause I've drawn regret

From the truth

Of a thousand lies

_So let mercy come_

_And wash away_

_What I've done_

What I've done? I've done a lot of things. I got my best friend killed. I cut myself and starved myself. Could mercy really wash that away?

_I'll face myself_

_To cross out what I've become_

_Erase myself_

_And let go of what I've done_

Jace keeps telling me that I'm not my addiction. I'm who I became afterwards.

Letting go of what I've done isn't going to be easy. I've had my drawbacks. Those really bad days causing me to cut every now and then again.

Depression isn't just going to up and leave me, it's a process that'll take time to heal.

_Put to rest_

_What you thought of me_

_While I clean this slate_

_With the hands of uncertainty_

_For what I've done_

_I start again_

_And whatever pain may come_

_Today this ends_

_I'm forgiving what I've done!_

_What I've done_

_Forgiving what I've done_

Maybe it's time I start forgiving myself. It's time to start forgiving what I've done and I need to start again.

As the song was finishing Jace pulled up into the driveway.

I turned my iPod off and put it in my pocket standing up as Jace walked over towards me.

He walked up to me and gave me a hug.

I smiled up at him after he let me go.

"Are you ready to go?" He asked.

"I don't suppose you'll tell me where we're going would you?"

"Not a chance, Clary, not a chance." Jace grinned at me as we began walking to his car.

I groaned as I got in.

Once Jace got into the driver's seat and pulled out of the driveway he grabbed onto my hand.

"Is it really necessary to hold onto my hand?" I gave him a skeptical look, "You don't still think I'm going to disappear if you let go of me do you?" I questioned in disbelief.

Jace just looked at me and tightened his hold on my hand as we continued to drive.

A comfortable silence fell upon us as I waited to see where we were going.

Jace began to rub his thumb in small circles over my knuckles as he drove.

I wonder if he notices that he does that, or if it's a subconscious thing that he doesn't realize he's doing.

I stared out the window as we drove to our destination.

"Why do we have to go somewhere for you to tell me this oh so important secret?" I questioned turning my gaze onto Jace.

"Because, Clary. We just do that's why." He said firmly. He glanced over at me and smiled.

The ride the rest of the way there was silent.

I just stared out the window as Jace drove not once lessening his grip on my hand.

When we arrived I looked out the windshield and noticed that we were at a park.

"Is this where you wanted to bring us?" I asked.

"Yup." Jace answered popping the 'p', dropping my hand, and getting out of the car.

I followed after him and then we started strolling around.

There weren't too many people at the park.

There were a few couples taking strolls, some my age, some older.

They all looked like such happy people and like they were happy to be with their significant other.

Jace grabbed my hand pulling my attention away from people watching and led us to an oak tree away from everyone else.

When we got there he didn't let go of my hand and just looked down at me.

I gazed back up at him waiting for him to speak up and say something.

We stood there for a few moments with Jace just gazing at me.

"What is it Jace?" I asked softly, confused as to why he had brought us out here just to not say anything at all.

"Clary…" Jace started out hesitantly, "I know you've gone through a hard time and that you're still depressed. I know that you've had issues trusting people and learning to love yourself. I know that you've been trying hard, Clary. I've seen the way you look at yourself with contempt. I know that you find yourself unlovable, but Clary I love you. I don't see you as weak or imperfect. I find you as a beautiful, strong willed, amazing, kind, loving, perfect girl. And while perfect is supposedly unreachable, I believe that you are perfect in all ways. You're perfect to me and that's what matters" Once he started talking the words just continued to pour from him, "I love you Clary. I love every little flaw marring your skin. I love you for who you are. I know that you'll need time to fully recover and I want to be here for you every step of the way. I want to be able to call you mine and hold you. I want to be able to tell people that you're my girlfriend Clary." He took a deep breath and continued, "So, will you go out with me Clary?"

I gazed at him with tears in my eyes. Nobody has ever cared about me that much. I've never heard someone say something so passionate to me.

Did I want to go out with Jace? Yes, but I was afraid of the heartbreak that could come from it. I was afraid of it. How could I survive that?

I stared at him for a minute before he started fidgeting. That's when I realized that I had yet to answer him.

"Yes." I whispered.

Jace's grin was huge and it mirrored how I felt on the inside, "Jace… I think I love you too, but I'm afraid." I told him honestly, looking down.

"We'll just take it day by day. You have no idea how happy you've made me Clary." Jace picked my chin up and held my head, so I met his gaze.

His smile got even wider which I didn't think was even possible.

Suddenly he picked me up smashing me to his chest and spinning us around.

I let out a peal of laughter before lightly slapping his arm and telling him to put me down.

Once I was back on my own two feet, we stared at each other.

Then, Jace began to lean in and wrapped his arms around my waist pulling me closer to him.

I leaned in as well wrapping my arms around his neck.

His lips were soft and gentle against mine as he kissed me passionately.

His arms tightened around me fractionally, and I pulled on the ends of his hair.

When we pulled away we were both breathless.

"I love you Clary." He whispered kissing me forehead tenderly.

"And I think I love you Jace." I whispered back.

He grinned at me before leaning in to kiss me again.

* * *

**That was the end guys. I hope you liked it. **

**Thank you to all of you who kept me encouraged enough to continue writing this story. **

**You guys all mean a lot to me. **

**I'll put the songs I used up later on tonight. **

**Well, until next time. :)**


	41. Songs

Songs Used In "Breaking Down Walls"

Tourniquet- Evanescence

Satellite Call- Sara Bareilles

Iridescent- Linkin Park

Everybody's Fool- Evanescence

Words- Skylar Grey

Humans- The Scene Aesthetic

Like You- Evanescence

Say You're Sorry- Sara Bareilles

What I've Done- Linkin Park

* * *

**I know I said I'd have the songs up three days ago, but school picked up and then after homecoming last night my cousin didn't give me a choice about spending the night. **

**I'm pretty sure these are all the songs. They're in order by chapter.**

**Damn guys, three-hundred and three reviews? Blew my mind when I got on here this afternoon.**

**Thank you for all the support with this story. **


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